"Ooh, can I see your truncheon?" and on that piece of unadulterated smut, can I suggest a change of topic?
Worst Things to Hear From Your Doctor
/optician/dentist/opthamologist/gynaecologist/acupuncturist/whatever takes your fancy, in this smorgasbord of medical options we find ourselves faced with these days.
Congratulations, Mr. Murphy! A picture of the nethermost regions of your sigmoid colon will soon appear in the International Journal of Proctology. I have never seen one as intriguing as yours.
Well, we did the genetic testing to find a suitable marrow donor and we have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that your cousin Sheila is a match, the bad news is that your dad absolutely does not match you genetically and is therefore NOT your biological father. Don't look at ME like that! Ask your Mom what happened.
We've found out what's wrong with you, Mr. Moynihan. I'll try to put in very simple terms for you: There's an inflammatory fistula in the anteriomedial segment of your submandibular parotid sinus, which is now compressing the seventh cranial nerve ganglion plexus, but which fortunately bypasses the thyroglossal duct by a millimeter. However, its proximity to the posterior parathyroid segmental cannulus will necessitate the initial removal of the fibrocystic uvulolaryngeal abcess that's draining into your pneumothorax causing the clonic paroxysmal spasms of your bronchiolar fundus.
Did I ever tell you I'm a medical history buff? I collect 17th century surgical instruments and like to perform procedures as practised in that era. In fact I plan to repair your hernia using the exact technique of abdominal surgery I found yesterday in an old 1638 surgical manuscript. But first we'll have to draw blood for some tests. Don't worry, you'll just feel a slight pinching sensation as this leech latches on.
Hi, I'm the new optometrist here. Don't worry if you can't read the eyechart too good. I can't either. I'm horribly dyslexic, you see. So if you see a "C" and I see it as a "G", I'll just take your word for it.
"If you look closely at the screen you will notice two prominent appendages on the head .... yes ... they are horns. That is why, Mrs. Johnson, I said a natural childbirth is out of the question."
Your foot? I'm not too good at feet. I've got a nice, 19th century edition of Gray's Anatomy here; shall we look it up together?Not hilarious but, on the other hand, true.
Well, yes, the standard procedure would be a referral to a specialist with a view to surgery, but let's face facts, shall we? You've certainly not got half your life ahead of you any more, and operations are pretty expensive. What say we cut our losses here and ask Jesus for salvation?
Let me consult my copy of Chi's Anatomy to find the correct pressure point, Mr. Johnson. When I inserted this acupuncture needle into your left ankle, it was supposed to get your bile flowing again, not cause you to have an erection.