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So the Danish guy dies
help
Well, we've all seen those promising trailers that make the worst films seem like the next Oscar winner - how about writing a description that makes a classic sound absolutely dire? e.g. So there's this teenager and he hates his mother and his stepdad and there's loads of drugs and gore and they all die. Only better, hopefully. And without Mel Gibson.
Lord of the Rings
(Just to get things started so other people can do someting better and wittier...) Nine companions (of various species) want to destroy a really evil ring. They manage... eventually. The End.
Lord of the Rings
I had something along the lines of, a bunch of guys get obsessed with jewellery, and try to shove this one bit of it in the crack of some guy who lives in a tower with a giant eye. Three of them are really short, and one of the others does magic and stuff. They're also being followed by a skinny, naked midget with a speech impediment, who wants to wear the jewellery, but they set fire to him at the end.
Gone With the Wind
America (again) decides to have a war. However on this occasion a woman gets involved. Lots and lots of 'stuffing' before she finally gets told to piss off.
Four weddings and a funeral
Rich Londoners go to a lot of weddings. Then one of them dies and they all go to his funeral. And one of them falls for an American woman but is too much of a wuss to do anything about it until right at the end. Oh, and they all swear quite a lot.
Citizen Kane
The main character is dead when the film begins. What more do you need to know?
Any version of 'The Christmas Carol'
A minor character is dead when the film begins. A miserly old scrooge called Scrooge... bah Humbug... Gets spooked three times. Merry christmas everyone. (I ran out of steam a bit; I only wanted to do the first line, then I thought it looked lonely.)
Eraserhead
Think of the last time you blew your nose. Think of the noise it made, and that's the soundtrack. Think of what came out of your nose, and that's what the main character's baby looks like. Think of what you did to what came out of your nose, and that's essentially what he does to the baby.
West Side Story
A girl and a boy fall in love, a couple of people get killed... yeah.
The Rocky Horror Picture Show
An engaged couple break down in their car, so they go to this house they've never been to before and sing, dance and have sex with pretty much everybody there. Aliens make the house disappear. The end.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest
For anyone who ever said "I'm going to tear up the washstand and pitch it through a window." Nobody falls in love.
Carry on Camping
Barbara Windsor gets her tits out. That's about it.
Brazil
A comedy about administrative mistakes and their hilarious consequences.
The Day After Tomorrow
A hard winter hits New York.
Jaws
A shark eats people. Well, what do you expect, that's what sharks do.
Ghandi
A story about someone's life that starts with his funeral. Once you've seen someone buried you don't need to know the rest.
Gone With the Wind (PG)
Romantic tragi-comedy set against the backdrop of the American Civil War about a woman who makes the mistake of marrying the wrong person, three times. Contains some mild swearing.
Donnie Darko
Kid in a small town has some psychological problems, which makes him think he travels through time. Except the ending makes no sense because it seems to suggest he actually can.
Ghost (15)
A man is brutally murdered in a city street. He is so in love with his girlfriend that his ghost tries to make contact with her. Except that the ending makes no sense because it seems to suggest that he actually succeeds. Contains some sexual references.
Fight Club
A man is so bored with his life he makes up an imaginary friend to blow up his appartment, have sex with his crush, teach him to make soap, get a friend killed, and overthrow all governments.
Die Hard
A policeman embarks on a bloodbath after getting trapped in a tower block. At no point does this seriously ring true to life.
2001: A Space Odyssey
A computer crashes while a big black cuboid floats around for no apparent reason. At this point, the entire concept of storytelling completely breaks down and the movie degenerates into a son et lumière show.
Casablanca
A bar owner bets that the most wanted man in the western world can get out of town. He then gives the guy a plane ticket and starts a "beautiful friendship" with a frenchman.
Shrek
Ugly troll wins beautiful princess, who turns out to be an ugly troll, and the two live happily ever after, thus saying something deep and meaningful about conventional standards of beauty, a message fatally undercut by the fact that the bad guy is also portrayed as physically defective.
Star Trek: The Motion Picture
Loosely based on the original television series, but with none of the excitement. At the start of the film all the characters have aged about twenty years. An hour into the film, so has the audience. At that point, the entire concept of storytelling completely breaks down and the movie degenerates into a son et lumière show lasting even longer than 2001: A Space Odyssey.
Psycho
A film about a young man and his mother. Except that his mother's dead. No wonder they couldn't afford colour with a premise like that.
The Wicker Man
Scottish policeman mislead into thinking a crime has been committed - it hadn't.
Barbarella
Jane Fonda searches for 80's popular beat combo whilst wearing entirely inadequate spacesuit.
The Lord of the Rings
9 hours in which they find a ring, then lose the ring. Lots of battles, but few of any intrinsic relevance to the ring thing. Some people fall in love, but very implausibly, and the main characters are all gay.
Parting Glances
Most people are gay in this too. Nobody falls in love, really. Nobody dies.
Macbeth
Ambitious nobleman gets the top job, but handles it badly, but the whole plot is revealed anyway early on by some witches, so only worth watching until Act IV Scene i. Lots of people die.
The Matrix
Basically, this is just the whole "he woke up and it was all a dream" ending, except the ending comes at the start.
Titanic
Boy meets girl on a ship which later sinks.
Passport to Pimlico
Early attempt at European Integration runs into bureaucratic problems
Titus Andronicus
Er, I think the "message" is, like, don't cook people and serve them to their relatives in pastry. Well, duh.
Perfect Blue
A moderately successful pop singer becomes a successful actress when someone on the internet starts killing people who don't like her.
For a Fistful of Dollars
Bangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbang$$!!
The Merchant of Venice
A rich merchant who loses his fortune gets out of debt by hiring a smart lawyer to prove that black is white and seize all the assets of the moneylender he's in hock to.
Moby Dick
A whaler goes on a long hunt for a whale. After a long time, he finds it.
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
King Arthur assembles his Knights of the Round Table, and together they embark on a quest to seek the Holy Grail. They fail, utterly, in almost every sense.
The Full Monty
A group of not-terribly-attractive men decide to take their clothes off in public. The final shot is a freeze-frame of their bare arses.
This is Spinal Tap
A group of stupid, obnoxious, non-terribly-attractive men travel the USA, shouting and generally making a racket. Nobody likes them. In the middle of the film, even *they* don't like them. When it finishes, everything is still exactly as it was at the start.
U2: Rattle & Hum
See "This is Spinal Tap." (nb. As an admitted U2 fan I must now go away and self-flagellate for my sins. Sorry.)
Ghostbusters
Some scientists set out to save the city from ghosts. They destroy the ghosts. And the city. And, for that matter, their own business, too.
Apocalypse Now
A soldier goes on a long hunt for another soldier. After a long time, he finds him.
The Godfather
Crime pays, but it has its downside, too.
Star Wars; The Empire Strikes Back; Return of the Jedi
(1) Some wars in the stars. (2) The empire strikes back. (3) The Jedi return.
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