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Good News / Bad News
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Right, another chance to alternately build our spirits up and then disappoint them. I can't be bothered to change the winning move so it's still Mornington Crescent.
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Good news
The mighty ocean is indifferent to their suffering, and its products.
Bad News
The fish who live in it, though, are none too thrilled.
Good News
They'll eat anything.
Bad News
We have to eat them.
Good News
I'm a proper vegetarian so I don't eat fish. Only Linda McCartney.
Bad News
Rab's a proper vegetarian so he doesn't eat fish, only Linda McCartney
Good News
Linda McCartney is ready to help with my liver.
Bad News
There must be another Linda McCartney.
Good News
Paul McCartney's a knight. His staff put him on his charger each morning. Who said he couldn't cut it with AC/DC?
Bad News
Paul has blown a fuse because Heather has a short in one leg.
Good News
The Beatles are planning a comeback. (?!)
Bad News
All four of them will be on the tour.
Good News
They'll be playing open air venues [Dujon & plump]heheheeh :o)
Bad News
...in Chittagong during monsoon season. (If Paul & Heather are dancing, and he spins her around on the wrong leg, does she get taller?)
Good News
[Dr Q - ewwwwwwwwww!] Paul McCartney's become a new dad
That's old news. But it means there may be yet another McCartney telling us what to eat/wear/do/sing/etc
(I like doing it this way!)*changing the subject* The new Lord of the Rings movie is out!
Bad news
The film buffs have already found 33 mistakes in it, and those aren't the ones related to the book!
Good News
Most people didn't notice and had a thoroughly enjoyable time watching an exciting movie.
Bad News
We'll all have to hear over and over again how much it draws from box-office receipts.
Good News
If it draws enough, Peter Jackson will get to film The Hobbit.
Bad News
Michael Jackson already has. Allegedly.
Good News
Michael Jackson has a lot of 'Allegedlys' pending right now. Maybe one or two of them will stick and we won't be subjected to any more of his t*ss.
Bad News
Not until after his UK visit though.
Good News
He couldn't do anything questionable on Christmas....
Bad News
In the US legal system, you can get aay with murger if you are rich and prominent enough, as it seems.
Good News
"Murger" is the offence of owning a horse and carriage while having less than three barrels of tobacco to one's name.
Bad News
Three barrely of tobacco are unaffordable - unless you buy them in France.
Good News
I don't smoke.
Bad News
At least I didn't until I caught my sleeve in a passing campfire
Good News
Fortunately the Fire brigade were quick in their response.
Bad News
The Imperial Leather adverts don't work in real life.
good news
There are plenty more soaps on the TV.
Bad News
But they don't work either - or if they do, you'll end up with an unsightly rash.
Good news
Sudocrem is good for rashes and babies!
Bad News
Its not a good substitute for whipped cream.
Good News
Nothing like a good whipping.
Bad News
They eat whippets in Korea.
Good News
Whippets are down due to a new, non-high-forming gas they're putting in the cream containers.
Bad News
If you re arrange the letters in Korea you get an orange drink that brings me out in boils!
Good News
At least they're better than the bubos I had last week
Bad News
If you rearrange the letters in Korea their tyrannical Post Office will have you summarily executed.
Good News
That's only in North Korea. In South Korea they will read out the entire text.
Bad news
Without a translation!
Good News
Only Koreans have to be present.
Bad News
Everyone else misses out on the inevitable hilarity which ensues.
Good News
Thus deprived I consoled myself with a Chic Corea CD. What a pianist!
Bad News
I'm tone deaf (but I do like the cover)
Good News
At least I can look intellectual
Bad News
But only in the dark!
Good News
You could thus make friends with Michael Howard, according to la Widdecombe.
Bad News
You would then be in the bad books of Miss Widdecombe.
Good News
It's better than being in her little black book.
Bad News
I hear her little black box is now blonde too
[momus] ohhh yuk!
Good News
momus to dry clean his mind
Bad News
Dry-cleaning solvents have marked anaesthetic properties.
Good News
An open gateway into self dentistry and the pulling of ones own teeth
Bad News
They haven't found a way to wake you up again
Good News
They have found a way of waking you up again, by dangling you, in an infantile manner, over a crocadile
Bad News
You can hear an ominous ticking from this crocodile.
Good News
Maybe it's just a harmless clockodile.
Bad News
Yeah, but that's brown trousers time if you're a pirate.
Good News
That's more than offset by the fact that you get to say things like "Arrrr! Splice the mizzen! Avast behind! Arrrrr!" etc.
Bad News
But only once a year.
Good News
At Chrismas time, on a big stage, with lots of B status type celebs, from crap soaps and you get paid to do it!!!
Bad News
There are numerous category D type celebs present too, including Ainsley Harriot (to whom you owe a sexual favour), plus you are getting paid in pigs trotters, which are no longer legal tender in your tent.
Good News
At least you don't owe sexual favours to Anthony Worrel Thompson or Keith Floyd
Bad News
But unfortunately they owe you.
Good News
Their `debt' can be exchanged for points, and what do points mean?
Bad News
The loss of my driving licence.....sigh!!
Good News
You ghe chance to get lots of healthy walking exercise, during which you can reflect edifyingly on the transgressions which led you to this sorry pass.
Bad News
As you stumlbe across the sodden Heath you realise that these boots weren't made for walking.
Good News
But the reinforced steel stillettos are perfect for collecting paper and trash, thus performing a good deed for the environment.
Bad News
A heel's just come off.
Good News
You won't get back pain in later life from walking in flat shoes.
Bad News
You'll get it anyway, to judge from my contemporaries.
Good News
You'll have a good excuse to lie down a lot and have things done for you.
Bad News
You don't really get to choose who you get.
Good News
Martin Shaw is one of the volunteers
Bad News
I asked, but got Sandie Shaw.
Good News
At least you didn't get Harold Shipman.
Bad News
you have an unexplicable desire to write to all his victims families , to try and undo all the bad that's been done, in a rather clumsy and invasive manner.
Good News
Your computer crashes just before you print off all the letters, you realise you cant be bothered typing it all out again, so give up on the idea.
Bad News
You've been using M$ Word, so the AutoRecovery Wizard kicks in and brings the text back onto your screen.
Good News
The AutoRecovery text looks like this:- $%hTg "_Fu^k228697 /E 100172 /N 2 /T 227739 >> endobj :-(
Bad News
You see a message from God in it.
Good News
It doesn't contradict the message you heard from Satan whilst playing your Smiths LP's backwards.
Bad News
However it does instruct you to go forth and seek a trade promoting yoghurt.
Good News
You are deprived, and have never heard of yoghurt, and so do not blow all your money on a pointless enterprise.
Bad News
What little money you do have left, is taken by the government as tax for the new "Yoghurt for all" initative
good news
poverty focuses your mind on your addictions..you decline that glass of Pinot Gris proferred by Gordon Brown on the Underground at Midnight
Bad News
You accept a swig from the bottle in the brown paper bag from the tramp sitting next to him.
Good News
Hey maaan, it's marijuana vodka.
Bad News
Gordon Brown is sitting next to David Blunkett.
marijuana vodka? don't play with me - where is it?
Good News
They don't see you as they are both stoned
Bad News
Gordon Brown took your number and promised to call
Good News
You gave him the number of a sex line.
Bad News
It is YOUR sex line.
Good News
Your sex line brings in several thousand pounds a month!
Bad News
Bad News
Bad News
Your sex-line is about to be closed down by the new fearsome OFCOM. (I think I have spilt too much tea in my keyboard :-( )
Good News
Spilt tea in the keyboard of the computer controlling the sex-line telephone exchange puts paid to the enterprise before OFCOM can paste a closure notice on it and issue you with a warrant. Phew!
Bad news
Your computer is broke, and so are you. I can speak english, really.
Good News
Your weary history of insomnia enables you to win first prize in the mind numbingly awful Channel FourTV 'show' "Shattered".
Bad News
Your so tired you don't really care and neither does the single member of the viewing public who botherd to tune in (by mistake)!
Bad News
The History of Insomnia is the provisional title of a new documentary from David Attenborough.
Damn!
That was supposed to read Good News
Bad News
If Attenborough's gone that far down the pan that's the end of civilisation as we know it.
Good News
Ah ha! But if this project comes to fruition insomnia is cured.
Bad News
For the makers of Zopiclone and other such sedatives/night sedation!
Good News
Civilization as we know it has ended so now we can all return to "Reality TV" and Eastenders.
Bad News
You're appearing in the next reality show, in which you have to be a stuntman for an episode of Eastenders.
Good News
The latest incident in Eastenders involves Alfie drowning in a vat of beer.
Bad News
It's KwikSave's own-label lager-style beer, which retails at 20p per pint.
Good News
Everyone mourns Alfie so much that they end Eastenders. Forever.
Bad News
It's replaced by Westenders, a soap opera set among the theatre-going chattering classes.
Good News
At least it won't take six of them to make a brain.
Bad News
It will take seven.
Good News
Seven is the scriptwriter's luck number, so he will gamble everything he has on roulette.
Bad News
The roulette wheel is made out of swiss roll shaped french cheese, the casino is really a front for some bent butchers money laundering scam and you are accused of interfering with a dozen disabled dolphins by your unworthy peers.
Good News
The unworthy peer is Lord Archer. Oblig.
Bad News
Your DNA was found on one of the aforementioned porpoise, a pork pie is located in your make up drawer and thats Port Salut in your hair!
Good News
The pork pie tasted really nice with that slice of wild garden pickle (see other game!)
Bad News
The pickle was really a slug with the face of James Dean!
good news
The Silver Spider Porche 505 never crashed ..it merely nudged a bollard on the A14
Bad News
the nudged bollard threw the contraflow system out of alignment and the resulting traffic confusion and congestion snaked back towards the M6 to the west and Ipswich to the east, preventing thousands of families from arriving on time for their holdays on the Norfolk Broads.
Good News
It was raining, so they wouldn't have enjoyed them anyway.
Bad News
It was acid rain and 50% of them melted!
Good News
The Litmus paper states that the acid is benign, almost alkaline, and Morrissey walks into your living room with the acetate of his new LP "You are the Quarry"...you get a taxi to Bermondsey to celebrate.*champagne pops*
Bad news
Your taxi gets caught in the nation-wide gridlock caused by problems on the M6, and you have no food.
Good News
The term gridlock as it applies to the alimentary system has finally been allowed the official term ridlock
Bad news
You are in a hotel room in Soho with Morrissey and there are a dozen taxi's outside..you hail one and forget to blow him
Good News
You also stole his hearing aid, so he is no longer able to make mind numbing solo albums!
Bad News
You forgot you were his agent - now you're skint. (This is getting very silly)
Good News
Liberated from possessions, you go away and sit in a cave for ten years, and so find enlightenment.
Bad News
You now have a very sore arse, intolerance to light, loss of all social niceties and have no clothes.
Good News
You are, therefore, ideally suited to a position in local government. you make stacks of money by awarding contracts to huge faceless corporations that bung you some tax-free cash in exchange. (oh just read the bath chronicle you'll see what I mean...)
Bad News
Those faceless corporations are Halliburton, Parmalat, and Enron.
Good News
You are therefore untouchable, and can rest soundly knowing they will never even attempt to prosecute you.
Bad News
They do, however, prosecute your cat, your mother and anyone else who ever remotely knew you.
Good News
Your conscience having withered years back through your suspect business practices, you simply couldn't care less.
Bad News
Everything else about your person has also withered
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