...Chutney, Walnut and Grasshopper. Infuriated at its failure to mention me at any point, I threw the encyclopaedia across the cell, and it struck the guard on the side of the...
custody desk, knocking his tea over onto the charge sheet and thus obscuring the reason for my arrest - I was free to go! Well, after all that adventure, you can imagine I was ready for ...
... a meaningless sexual encounter. Not surprisingly, I failed to achieve that, so immediately turned my thoughts towards a potential money-spinning project which entailed matching B-List celebrities and their favourite soft furnishings for yet another reality TV show. Well, I'd got as far as Dale Winton coupling with a Tyrolean sheepskin rug, when .....
...they turned into a giant talking banana, so I chatted with him for a few minutes before losing consciousness completely. When I woke up, I discovered that I was, in fact, in...
s..s...stuttered, realising that the farmer had divested ladies knickers, a kind of Freudian slip I supposed. Remembering I'd brought my 80-litre capacity handbag with me, I...
... the little demons find them really comfortable. Realising I stole that part of the plot from an episode of 'Strange', I decided to get on with and legged it across the plantation, pursued by...
...three alarmingly large men and an enormous buffalo. Suddenly I skidded to a sudden stop, incredibly handy as I had just reached the edge of a cliff. There was nothing I could do but...
diplodocus, who wasn't having any of that! I thought I was surely doomed, and my life started to flash before my eyes. It made me wonder at the amount of Walnut and Grasshopper chutney in...
...existence throughout history, and whether if you drew a graph of it there would be some sort of trend I could exploit and make money from. Anyway, meanwhile the diplodocus...
...having now forgotten my existence, proceeded to emerge onto dry land. Disembarking, I found myself on a wild, verdant beach and so with nothing better to do, I set off hoping to find something useful to engineer my return. It was not long after that I stumbled across a laboratory rat of some kind; tied to its back was...
... CONGRATUALTIONS!!! YOU HAVE WON SIXTY MILLION BILLION QUID!!!!!! To claim your prize phone 0898 69 69 69, Calls charged at £9.99 per second and last for at least ten hours.. Well I wasn't silly enough to fall for that ploy so instead I......
realised that the rat was clearly from the future so I ran after it quickly. Everything started to look odd..the sun seemed to move faster and it rapidly became cold and dark. Moonrise occurred even more swiftly and day followed on again, until all around me was a blur. I felt so dizzy that I fell and...
...crashed out of the temporal slipstream tunnel (for that is what my good friend Prof Hawking later said that it was) and hit my head against something stone. When I came to, I found that I was now in...
..a card shop, there was bound to be one somewhere, every high street is crammed with them from end to end. What a price birthday cards are, €732.99. I looked up at the clock in the shop and realized that I had fallen through the temporal warp and emerged in the future. It was 2005 and everything in the shop was marked in prices in a strange currency. I ...
...decided to look around and find out as much as possible to use when I went back to my own time so that I could make a fortune. I found a library down a dingy backstreet and...
...was rather perturbed to meet a large uniformed man holding a machine gun. "Your papers!" he demanded, so I gave him a copy of the Daily Mail which I happened to have handy (so absorbent!), but it obviously didn't fool him because he...
...none other than Tony Blair. The sudden realisation that not only was I in the future but in an alternate future brought me out in a cold sweat. But then, it dawned on me that...
...it wasn't an alternative future at all, the Labour party had just changed their name to fit their image. Reading further, I saw that the Conservative party now seemed to be called Cassandra, now they were out of the closet, which seemed fair enough. Realising that I had all the information about the future that I needed in the handy Saturday magazine insert "History of wagers you wished you'd made if you'd only known the future for the last 2 years", or something like that. It also had Jade Goody nude, unfortunately which made me...
...throw up into a nearby container which just happened to be a passing bill-posters bucket. He was not at all amused and started to swear at me in words which I had never heard before. I decided to leg-it and ran into...
...a telephone box which brought me back to the present day, outside Corrals the Bookmakers. As there was still plenty of time before I needeed to buy Samantha her present, I walked...
...walking like an Egyptian for several minutes for my own amusement and that of a few puzzled passers by. I then had a sudden craving for a ham sandwich with lashings of chestnut and grasshopper chutney, so I...
... a mountain of debt, which is why I've sent you this begging thinly-disguised-as-a-round-robin-seasonal-journal letter. It seems ages since I had a decent ...
..bolster the Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch village hall roof repair fund. It is such a shame that such a lovely building, made out of antracite slag, should be in such disrepair. I hope that you will all dig deep into your pockets. The vicar says that he...
...has an injunction against me coming with 200 metres of him or the church, since the unfortunate Walnut and Grasshopper Chutney incident. I think that it was a complete over-reaction, myself, I mean all I did was...
... the start of Autumn with the leaves falling from the trees and I found, to my horror, that not only was I short of cash, but also experiencing an alarming vocabulary deficiency. This shortage of vocabulary forced me to ...