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Missive Trellis
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Well, slap my jammy badger its a communal round robin. Finish off the last sentence and start the next in the manner of your choosing.
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something to do with What Chutney? magazine and they all encouraged me to go. As it turned out ...
..the photographer was a Franciscan Monk who had just returned from a sebatical in Rome. He had never seen a ....
...pickle that size before and promptly fainted. He was resusscitated by...
...the charity worker from Help the Aged, who was in attendance because...
... rumour has it that chutney can be used as a substitute for coal. On a lighter note, I'm looking forward to....
...going carolling with the poor monk next Thursday. We're starting off our rounds by...
..singing outside the Dog and Duck, opposite the police station where that nice PC Plod will supply us with mince pies and mulled cocoa, and then we will...
...beat him senseless before scarpering. Later, we'll drop round to the vicarage for a...
...nice glass of our homemade walnut and grasshopper wine we gave Rev Shore last Christmas. Odd how...
...his head feels so leathery to the touch. I then intend to present some chutney to the Franciscan in the vicar's presence, who I trust will provide us with...
a copy of a Haynes manual for my 1975 Cortina, but failing that any...
...one who has a copy going spare can send me details of where to send a cheque. I need to replace...
...both the axles, as I had to remove them to fit to my device for making walnut and grasshopper chutney. I intend to...
...get chutney into that monk if it's the last thing I do! I think the reason for all this is, several months ago, I went to...
..Vanuatu. The weather was lovely, not at all like North Wales. I particularly liked the volcanos. We have something similar in Blaenau Ffestiniog, although it doesn't smoke..
my herring as well as the one in Vanuatu. If anyone wants to try my smoked herring and radish relish just...
...piss off. I always feel somewhat violated when...
I see someone open one of my relish jars and just stick their...
..stamps on the label and post it to..
me in North Wales. On a happier note, March brought with it...
a nice gift from someone called Ann Summers. Imagine my delight upon opening the package to find...
... the replacement axles for the clapped-out Cortina. So, fully re-axled and relax-ed [geddit?], we opted for a spring holiday motoring around ...
...the rainforests of Central America. Imagine my surprise when...
..the axles got infested with termites. We had to jack-up the car and remove the..
assylum seekers who had fixed themselves to the axles with...
...walnut and grasshopper chutney. After we'd done that, I discovered, to my astonishment, that I was able to use the jack on my...
tent pegs to hammer them into the ground. Things were going really well putting up the tent until.....
The asylum seekers demanded that tea...
...should be served with walnut and grasshopper chutney. Well, seeing as they'd used the last of our supplies to stick themselves to our car, we had no recourse but to...
...dash right into the rainforest and hide in an ancient Mayan temple until they'd all gone away. Little did we know (da-da-da-dumm!) that the temple was...
actually in Doncaster so i was't a rainforest at all but...
...an elaborate set built by a 'reality' TV production company that they were using to stage a programme, mostly about...
...the Doncaster and District Chrysanthemum Society. I went into the diary room and spent a good three hours talking to...
a rather strange lady who introduced herself as Mrs Trellis. She had an odd accent for Doncaster but said that she was visiting from...
...an undisclosed loaction somewhere in Wales but if she were to reveal the exact location she would have to...
..refer to a detailed ordinance survey map because it is a very remote and rather unknown place somewhere in the...
...copyright statement. I must say I was rather surprised by all this, because, as you know, I've always thought of myself as Mrs Trellis, but suddenly I realised she was my...
own reflection in a mirror-fronted office complex. Silly me. Still I had a good half hours worth of
...violence from the director of this reality TV show when he, and a few heavies, burst onto the set demanding why I was messing up his Chrysanthemum show. I managed to escape by...
...offering my sexual service to all six of them, and then when they collapsed into an exhausted heap, I took the director's car keys and drove away in...
..his Lamborghini. I was very impressed by the gear shift although the engine pinked a bit when I was driving down the M6 at 20 mph. I noticed that I had spilt some chutney on the white leather seats and while I was trying to clean it off I ran into the back of..
beyond, somewhere near Mansfield. I stopped at a red light and suddenly...
...hired a prostitute (I'm still not sure why). At any rate, having no other use for her, I've been paying her to wash my...
mouth out with soap for even considering stopping for her. I was only going to ask directions when suddenly...
...I was arrested for loitering. In the jail cell, I met a gentleman called Cyril, who offered to...
...provide me with a complete set of the Encyclopaedia Brittanica for only £10. Unfortunately, all I had on me at the time was...
my underwear, but it was clean, untorn and fairly new, so after he thought a while and scratched his...
lottery scratch card (which, miraculously (or, at the very least, fortuitously) gave him an instant win of £10,000) he, no long needing to sell me his set of encyclopaedias, very generously gave them to me for nothing. I opened a volume at random and was amazed when my eye lighted on the entry titled...
...Chutney, Walnut and Grasshopper. Infuriated at its failure to mention me at any point, I threw the encyclopaedia across the cell, and it struck the guard on the side of the...
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