Do your car bumpers keep on getting scuffed and bent when parking in cramped spaces? Are you afraid to ram the idiot in front of you in case you mess up their finish? Then you need BumperWrap bumper defenders. These easily-fitted accessories provide an extra six solid inches of rigid foam protection. You can drive with confidence that your car will shrug off all minor knocks and scrapes, and you can simply pop them off and stow them in the boot when you need to impress a date with your car's pristine condition. You'd use a knuckleduster to hit someone in the jaw: doesn't your car deserve the same?

What would I do with a Black Titanium XT?

What do they use Blue Hydrocrete for?

Oops, I only meant to put in one of those. Answer whichever you like.

I'll take the Blue Hydrocrete as I am tired of carrying around tubes of glue that get my pockets all sticky. Not any more thanks to Blue Hydrocrete^TM. It's a solid inert lump until you just add water. Then it magically turns into the stickiest substance on earth, so strong it can hold shelves to walls, rail carriages together and even has a number of uses in emergency medical procedures. Comes in various shades from cool azure to harsh cobalt.

This seems to be drawing a little inspiration from the Innovations Catalogue (RIP).

However, I'll leave the Black Titanium XT at home if that's ok. Can anyone explain?

I thought everybody knew the Black Titanium XT!

For those of you who have not been educated in magic, it is a form of jet, usually attached to a sore part of the body (and particularly sought after by ladies with large, err, accoutrements) which vibrates at 4.77MHz.

Now (Yes, I realise this is early days) my new home has a brand new/refurbished/rebuilt-after-the-fire kitchen, but the man said I had to use a pantechnicon. What is it?

Do you watch that BBC series Rogue Traders Dujon? If so, you'll know what I mean when I tell you your man should definitely be featured. The pantechnicon was a fifties item used supposedly to facilitate the installing of new pipes, it consisted of three large ball bearings hanging from a piece of string. Supposedly this would help level said pipes. This was of course complete rubbish as none of the pantechnicons produced were quite the right size. They're no longer produced today so your man is obviously after collecting one of these instruments as they are now quite highly sought after. Save your purse the grief and get rid of him.

I heard tell the other day of the Austrian Clutch, could someone enlighten me?

This is a board game inspired by Hitler's rise to power. The players play heads of state of various European countries, and see who can most effectively use bluff, threats, coups, betrayal, and sudden overwhelming invasions to take over the whole of Europe without actually declaring war.

Visual Eyeglasses for Windows sounds rather tautological -- what is it/are they?

Just to slightly amplify my last, the title suffered in translation, the original German being Anschlu&sslig;! (with the exclamation mark).

Ahem. That's Anschluß!

Visual Eyeglasses for Windows, or VE for short, is simply another programming tool from Microsoft forming part of its Visual Studio series. VE provides an integrated development environment for programming the next generation of mobile eyeglasses. As well as providing the usual focusing and sun-shading functions, these glasses will be able to access the Internet (albeit a subset called EAP), play Java games, and emit a user-definable piercing tone whenever the forehead reaches a certain temperature. The more advanced models will even provide an auto-shutdown of the cranium when the brain is not in use, as an energy-saving measure.

Visual Eyeglasses for Windows 1.0 will be available in the UK from February 2004, the price probably somewhere in the £50 for the Home edition up to £3000 for the Enterprise edition.

Meanwhile, I've been curious about the Facial Stylus for Men. Anyone seen one?

This is for men who want to enhance their manly looks by augmenting their beard. You use the device to first pluck a hair from your scalp, nose, ears, or anywhere else you have hair to spare, and then implant it into your face. Repeat 10,000 times.

The Furnace-Cast High-Sintered CrackStop ProShield sounds very effective at whatever it's for...is it?

This piece of equpitment was banned from field hockey recently. Basically its goal-keeper's kit, but the idea of the ProSheild was that it was so large it obscuered the whole goal, making it impossible for the opposition to score. The drawback was that it was furnace-cast from iron, so agility of any form was severly limited.

I've heard of super Delux Clock Cream but it has slipped my mind what the primary use for this is. Enlighten me please!