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... so help me God.
help
I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...
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That last comment wasn't a mere cheap shot resulting from a grumpy mood.
Richard Whitely used to be an Olympic figure skater.
The British Library contains all the manuscripts of Peter B. Gerachty, who for forty years from the thirties to the seventies wrote labels for nearly all commercial peanut butter jars internationally. Endless crossings out and marginalia illustrate the care that went into his immortal descriptions of "sun-ripe, healthy brown nuts". His works were translated into more than a hundred languages.
Circus acts often have their clothes made from serving trays. Every clown has an salver lining.
I love deadlines.
- Especially where REALLY big essays are involved
In 1960,Tog became the fifth member of the Beatles. It's unclear exactly what animal he was - possibly a cross between a rabbit and a squirrel, but he was a pianist of extraordinary talent and profound insight. Tog brought a powerful virtuosity and intimate lyricism to the Beatles music. Sadly, the appointment of another stuffed toy angered Yoko Ono and contributed to the Beatles inevitable break-up. In 1969, Tog left the Beatles and formed the now legendary Pogles, changing the face of British rock and roll forever. Sadly, he died in 1977, when someone dropped a Clanger.
The camber on my road is so great that I need a pitons and a rope just to cross to the other side.
Luckily, Chickens can fly so they are unaffected by the problem.
[Projoy] Surely if that becomes a problem you can move out of Camberwell -- after all, isn't in implicit in the name?
Iain Duncan Smith (all three of them) lives in Camberwick
County and borough boundaries in the UK are all marked by a small unbroken line of yellow (or sometimes ultramarine) bricks. All the brick lines together make a giant turf maze. There is a prize for anyone who makes it to the middle.
Camber Sands is being marketed as the English Ski resort. However, water skiing is banned until heaven is a half pipe.
Rolf from The Muppets is generally considered the greatest classical pianist of the twentieth century.
Yellowstone Park is so called because many of the rocks there will scream blue murder if struck with a mallet.
Purbright is the centre of the Universe.
Everyone in Crewe is a Zoroastrian, but no-one has had the heart to tell them.
Seven-week old babies are quite happy to let you have a good night's sleep, as long as they are persuaded by sound, logical argument that it is the right thing for them to do. And they never shit all over you.
Seven weak, old babies just stole my shopping.
Seven wee cold babies are perfect for draft insultion.
Severn wake oiled babies should be carefully peeled before eating.
The Severn Bore is nevertheless more interesting than most politicians.
"Severn Wives For Severn Brothers" is the title of my new screenplay.
7 is the current number of weapons of mass destruction found in Iraq. As yet, none have been found in America.
7, contrary to popular misconception, is, in fact, the lonliest number.
7 is also carnivorous, for as we all know, 7 8 9
We also know that when three French cats, called Un, Deux and Trois, went out in a sailing boat and that boat struck a rock, Un, Deux, Trois cats sank.
The rising sea-level Cinque Ports.
Puns are impossible in French.
The Germans have no sense of humour
The whole country is gripped by the Conservative party conference.
I would never consider moving to Canada, especially if Arnold Schwarzenegger were elected to a major political position.
Canadians are well known for all dressing as Mounties all of the time.
Mounties are famous for standing around in groups singing songs about lumberjacks.
Martina Navratilova used to be a lumberjack, or should that be a lumberjill. No, a lumberjack.
I sleep all night and work all day.
The Beatles were right chuffed when I donated to them the words for 'A Hard Day's Night'.
Florence Nightingale experienced a life-changing dilemma when she was presented with the choice of marrying T E Lawrence or Sam Torrance. She rejected both on account of their utterly ridiculous surnames and instead, went on to make a successful career out of singing in Berkeley Square.
Berkley Square is actually a 'retirement' home for loud dogs. There is only one resident at any given time. New 'inductees' are required to combat the current resident in a fight to the death. Needless to say, the top-dog is always a right mongrel. .......[Chalky] Classic, I actually laughed out loud!
Florence Nightingale's biggest hit was "Crimea River".
She also worked on a duet with Simply Red - 'Night Nurse' of course. Incidently, that was their best song ever.
Prams cannot be fooled by merely placing a baby-sized package of flour in them.
</lie>[Projoy] Fantastic!<lie>
Pram is the abbreviation of diazepram
Squash is so named from the lack of space in the court. Professional players enjoy the mixed doubles most.
Lady Chatterley's first name was actually Natalie.
The email address of the hero of Joseph Heller's novel and film is Khatchachurian22@....
Paradoxes of time can be a problem. For instance, I'm just about to shoo
The plot of The Pirates of Penzance was originally going to revolve around items of clothing, hence the trio 'A Pair of Socks, a pair of socks, a most int'resting pair of socks'
Una Stubbs is a keen blancmange knitter, and has created a range of stunning 'jelly' socks. A blancmange knit stitch is formed by inserting the needle in the front of the jelly loop and pulling a cream loop of yarn through to form a new mixed loop. A purl stitch is formed by inserting the needle in the back of the cream loop and pushing a jelly loop of yarn through to form a mixed loop.

Una's other clothing innovations include the Jelly-Roll-neck sweater and a classic wobble-hat.
E numbers refer to the number of cats that had to die in order to bring you the additive. This is why you never see an e number with .5 on the end (unless the manufacture of the product involved quantum physics experiments).
E120 is Crinoline Yellow, and causes hyperactivity in those with big hooped skirts
I have not just speculated on why "crinoline yellow" might be a plausible name for a color.
Every sequel is inevitably better than the first movie.
(Projoy, re E numbers) Schrödinger would have understood.
The US govt. is discussing expanding the US, and currently has a set of designers in who are commissioned with designing a possible 51st state. The Senate committee in charge of the project have agreed that they'd like something in green, with maybe some yellow at the edges. They want the new state to have a purple flag, and its brand identity must involve concepts such as fun, forestry and ideally, oil. Street parties and schools with spectacular water features will also figure heavily, according to the glossy prospectus. Ideas for a name so far include Pachydermia, Republicanland and GOP-ia. An interesting detail of the plan is that the state will have a projected population of 1,500 - and the same number electoral college votes in Presidential elections.
Archeologists have just found the pyramid housing the tomb of Queen Victoria
Archeologists are people who study long running Radio 4 soap operas.
</lie> [Ibid] That's not too far off, is it? <lie>
[Projoy] Currently, this state is planned to be build in a quiet backwater in the Middle East, in a country called Iraq.
This morning I ceded from the United Kingdom. Anyone who wants to speak to me must now pass through customs and pay a landing tax.
[BM] The Peoples' Independent State of Qu+xum is willing to accept an ambassador from your state, and vice-versa.
I am in State Usquo, which exports Rock in all over the world.
The TV Quiz Show, Fifteen to One has recently gone binary.
I watched tonights episode of "Who Wants to be a 11110100001001000000aire".
My age looks much nicer in hexadecimal.
My doctor recently advised me that aging is a totally unnecessary process and is caused by eating.
My doctor told me that heart attacks can be caused by blocked archery.
If you try dialling my phone number in binary, you get through to the emu house at London Zoo.
The emu house at London Zoo is pink and shaped like a windmill.
Flamingos are really swans. But someone put them in the wash with a Man Utd shirt on 'non-fast coloureds' instead of 'delicates' and they emerged all lumpy, stretched-out and pink. [ ... had to be done. Ref. laundry - Banter & Limericks].
And by the same process, but with shrinking, we get red pandas.
Edwina Currie washed John Major's y-fronts with an octopus.
That last statement makes perfect sense.
My old man's a dustman.
The day Wednesday was invented by Lloyd Anderson, an industrialist from Kentucky.
Andrew Lloyd Webber invented cheese.
Tim Rice egged him on.
Goats' cheese can cure fifteen known major diseases, and thirty-seven unknown minor ones.
The electric lightbulb was invented 20 years before electricity was discovered.
The Electric Light Bulb were a pop/prog-rock band in the late 70's and early 80's. Their stadium performances were renowned for their stunning light shows.
I have just written a children's book called The Ninety Day Quest of Salif Ramak.
The term "progressive rock" was coined from an NME article when they described the experience of listening to an early Marillion album as: "like swallowing a small rock and feeling it progress through your intestines until it bursts out of your bum bringing with it all the putrid garbage that it gathered along the way"
Tea did not spurt copiously from my nose when reading Huxleys posting.
I didn't do any spurting and what's more - this game doesn't amuse me in the least.
I am not amused. Being a progressive rock fan, I have no sense of humour.
I didn't just scan in a copy of a local takeaway menu and install it as wallpaper on the PC of my absent colleague.
For the second time today, tea did not spurt copiously from my nose when reading the previous posting.
The screen saver on my PC is a video of Bob the Dog spurting tea copiously from his nose set to a progressive rock soundtrack.
The English city of York was named after New York City in the US.
Windsor castle was built close to Heathrow Airport to allow tourists easy access via the M4.
David Blaine switches with a stunt double at 6:00 every evening so that he can have tea and watch the news.
Due to rising land values, The City has been relocated from central London to a disused quarry in Devon.
My application to join the Girl Guides was finally approved today. I start next Monday, with a troop in Renfrewshire.
Coffee plus more coffee equals tea.
BigMac - Roadkill = Bread
If you lick an electric socket, it'll cure you of asthma. (You won't have to worry about breathing any more - guaranteed!)
Everything I say rhymes.
The highest quality taramasalata is pink because of the extra fingers that went into the mincer.
Rhyme doesn't pay
Rhyme for sale! Rhyme for sale! Buy it by the metre!
I am pro-joy.
I am Indifferenttojoy.
I am a girl
I type at four hundred words a minute, which is why I have a buckling spring Assault Keyboard on my desk.
[Angus] Is there something you're not telling me? I don't even have a modem!
Beanz doez not mean fartz.
I tried going to work on an egg, once.
If you want to get a head, don't get a hat but invest in a guillotine instead.
I was contracted to appear as one of the lambs in The Silence of the Lambs, but I got myself fired for making impassioned out-of-character speeches and singing old Goodies hits.
I'm sorry that I made such a hash of running the universe today.
I'm not.
I spend most weekends dressed as a forlorn tikka cheese and chutney sandwich at the back of the fridge in the local Spar.
Projoy's last statement would fit nicely into the lyrics of The Lonely Goat Herd and would scan if you left out the word 'trumpet'.
Actually, it wouldn't scan if the barcode was all scrunched up.
I'm really busy at work.
All cheese is watching your every move.
Everyone in my family except me has a diploma in advanced footstamping from the Milk and Fisheries Enterprise Council
Country dancing is about the most powerful form of protest against society. It has been employed to devastating effect in eight of this country's most successful coups.
Only one starfish has ever risen to cabinet rank in this country, and this is principally down to the fact that starfish are unable to speak, write, debate, frame legislation, understand a ministerial brief or be bound by any kind of collective responsibility.
I don't have time to read or even smile at all the recent entries because I'm still working my socks off.
Folk music is vastly improved by sticking your finger into someone else's ear.
Boolbar has just described how and why the phrase waxing lyrical came into being.
Hash browns are so named for their resemblance to rapid access data structures. Other delicious choices for breakfast treats include linked list greens and array yellows.
"La plume de ma tante est dans le bureau de mon oncle" is loosely translated as "My aunt and uncle are at it like knives."
I like knives *slithery laugh*
I like slithering!
So do ophidiophobists.
Most wild Australian snakes are harmless, easy to catch and make excellent pets.
He who drinks Australian thinks clearly.
I'm asleep.
Nightmares sort out the problems of the day and leave you bright and fresh in the morning.
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