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... so help me God.
help
I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...
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I carry a convenient portable ATM with me everywhere. It issues notes and advice slips. The most recent advice it gave me was to polish my shoes before an important interview.
Artichokes can smell fear.
Yes, it smells like butterscotch.
The Food Nutrition Standards Agency has just announced the findings of a study to identify the healthiest possible breakfast. This consists of a cold cup of coffee with blobs of Mercury stirred in as well as croutons.
Croutons are the sub-atomic particle propagating the action of cabbage.
Whereas coupons are the sub-atomic particles propagating the action of revolution.
We've run out of lies.
I kissed a frog today and it turned into a handsome fridge. So we will have lots of deep frozen truths to defrost and use in this game.
It is only safe to keep truths frozen for six days at a time, otherwise they become poisonous.
Whereas lies have a shelf-life measured in æons. If you encounter one that has passed its "use by" date, you are automatically entitled to petition God to be re-evolved -- with a 75% chance of success! (All divine decisions are made probabilistically -- contrary to popular belief, God not only rolls dice, but bets compulsively on the outcome. He is also a sore loser and has been barred from most of the major Las Vegas casinos.)
I am a professional fairy princess.
My wife is a freelance goblin.
Terminator 3 is not a disappointing waste of time. I can't wait until it comes out on video so that I can see it all over again.
I'm looking forward to seeing T3 on DVD so I can watch it entirely in reverse.
If you listen to the soundtrack of T3 backwards, you hear a script of Sailor Moon as read by Lloyd Grossman.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is a keen player of "Stations Revenge". You often hear him say "I'll be Bank".
Now I have broadband, my internet activities will take only a fraction of the time they used to.
Talking of internet activities, the Obcure Vault 99 will now filter off all cryptochat, therefore, I will spend considerably less time in this site.
It's easy to learn another language. Try Mandarin, or Arabic, for starters.
I have recently evolved and am now classified as Even Homoier Sapiens
I am really displeased to note that Thos has darkened our door once again.
This means the puns will not be flowing like the diarrhea I haven't been having lately. You all needed to know that as well.
Dr Q knows how to spell diarrhoea. (sorry Dr Q, my spelling is notoriously bad, but that's a word I can spell!)
Dr Q speaks British English.
I have a really good grasp of the British and the American forms of English. It never confuses me.
[rab] Bloody right, mate.
[Dr Q] Too, right cobber.
Placement of commas is irrelevant. You will be punctuated.
I ran over a semi-colon in my car today. I got a punctuation in a tyre.
The Angel of the North has just been headhunted and will now be the Angel of the South South East.
The Angle of The North is π/2 radians.
- Which is exactly opposite to Hells Angles.
Most Hells' Angles have excellent degrees
Hells' Angles ride protractors.
[Btd] I always enjoy watching the Hells' Angles compass our town.
[Dr Q] Do they hang around in the set square? Or just make acute remarks?
A right angle always boils at 90 degrees, no matter how high the altitude or length of hypotenuse.
[Dunx] I've heard they just make obtuse observations.
They are called Hells' Angles because they like sin. Or am I going off a tangent?
The Hell's Angles tend to overstate their doings, though - it's all hyperbolic sin.
And although most of the Hell's Angles are completely helical on something most of the time, their ruler is completely straight.
[Projoy] That's just a reflex.
I recently invented the antitractor as the best way of measuring angles inaccurately.
[Thos] My Aunty drives a tractor inaccurately as well.
[Thos] Actually, the opposite of a protractor is a contractor. </lie>Come to think of it...<lie>
A process that is contracted is the opposite of a protracted process.
I have a neutractor, which reserves its opinion on how big an angle is.
And I've got a brand new combine harvester. I'm hanging onto the key though. Sorry.
I can see through all the walls in my office building.
My office building has no walls. We have to take it in turns to stand at the corners to hold the roof up.
Surely a doddle for a fully-qualified fairy princess?
Cilla Black lives in the bins out the back of the London Astoria.
It is illegal to download photographic material off the internet.
Gawd this game depresses me...
There are no real flowers in the whole of Aberdeen.
A smartie once told me the answer, but I forgot it.
I'm allergic to smarties. That's why I work around physicists.
Enrico Fermi was an idiot -- he just guessed correctly several thousand times.
There are as many pebbles on the shore as there are atoms in the universe.
.sdrawkcab emit hguorht gnillevart ma I
Punting down the River Styx at this time of year is so charming
"Punting down the River Styx" is a euphemism for a gynecological exam.
"Sticking your hand up the birth canal" is a euphemism for holidaying on a narrowboat.
Gynecology is now the third most popular GCSE.
[Projoy] No I haven't
The second most popular GCSE subject is Hotwiring
There is in fact only one slip 'twixt cup and lip, and it's a silk one.
Cheese is self-aware
Random surrealism is an adequate substitute for wit anyday.
[blamelewis] That one slip dropped an easy catch, tho.
There is nothing that shouldn't be done more often.
I just looked out of the window, and saw Omar Sharif riding a camel towards me.
Mirages only occur in warm desserts.
My doppelganger looks nothing like me.
[Thos] Same as me, and his doppleganger doesn't look like him or me, but his doppleganger looks exactly like me (but not the other two).
The Red Dragon that follows me around doesn't have a doppelganger. That makes us both proud to be Welsh.
I'm not stealing any of Projoy's material.
Projoy's material is 90% polyester.
I'm not hiding from customers right now, and certainly not listening to Just A Minute.
Projoy appeared on Just A Minute in 1998 as a late booking after Paul Merton caught Anthrax.
Sorry, that should have read "Paul Merton caught Anthrax Whirl of PantsMC."
Paul Merton chose his surname by throwing a dart at a map of Greater London. He threw a second one after getting only porno roles with his first name "Paul Cockfosters".
Zoë Ball had a love child with Tony Hawks.
That's utter Ball-Hawks.
Camp America is a fairly accurate description.
Camp America is the worlds largest importer of tentpoles.
Camp America is a euphemism for a field hospital set up to treat those troops with R.S.I. in the wrist.
The buns in my kitchen are plotting against the loaves in the freezer.
Kate Adie has been despatched to report on the coup d'toast in Ibid's kitchen.
I have just invented a cheese magnet which can attract pickle
However, I have ruined my own invention by also creating the all-soap ploughman's lunch.
My jars of pickle all just flew off my desk, politely waited until someone opened the door, then made off down the corridor.
[Thos] Ah. Nostalgia! My father was an All-Soap Ploughman.
The word "shallot" is too selfish to pass the sugar when asked.
My brother's trampoline has been knighted for services to raspberries.
I have a brother.
None of the Brothers of whom I have heard are considered to be 'one of the lads'
My broom is my best friend.
Lost X-rated Shakespeare scripts include Price of Denmark II - More Gore at Elsinore, The Merry ****s of Windsor (in which Fellatio returns from Venice, Bottom reappears and the messenger has a big part) and Bagpuss.
I was driving from Oslo to Stavanger, and was tailgated by a large lobster the entire way.
Our Chief Executive has been replaced by an Executive Chief, complete with feathery headdress, totem pole and attaché case.
The Attaché Indians are famed for their collection of scalps from cowboy builders.
I was a cowboy builder until I ran out of spurs & stetsons
I used to build coyboys, initially out of lego, and later on out of meccano. Several of them were extras in Westworld
You can get at least three coyboys for the price of a cowboy.
I have been mistaken for a coy boy many times - but not since I became a lady boy.
Jethro Tull's Aqualung is much misunderstood.
It sucks, too, and should be bought by no-one.
George Gershwin started the second world war with Porgy and Bess.
"Courgette" is an intrinsically funny word, as is "Spain".
Whereas the words "pineapple, "turd" and "lobster" have no humorous content whatsoever.
"Moist" is the most unfunny word ever.
My workplace sent us all home this afternoon, owing to an unexpected plague of locusts on the fifth floor.
The sand from Weymouth's beaches makes an excellent lubricant.
Sales of KY jelly are falling everywhere in the world as tubes of Weymouth sand eat up its market share.
I have done all the floors in my house as replicas of the Giant's Causeway in Co. Antrim.
Quibbling has been outlawed for many years in Co. Galway due to the excessive amounts of KY Jelly required. Ardent quibblers are optimistic that with the plentiful supplies of Weymouth Sand coming onto the market that their quibbling days may not be over!
Civilisation fell at 4:17pm GMT today.
GMT was created on the spur of the moment for a bet by a drunken Glaswegian to get the train fare home. As trains hadn't been invented yet, it didn't do him any good. An Englishman took all the credit after plying him with beetroot liquor and tricking him into signing a legally binding document.
[snorgle] That was in 1980, and that unfortunate Scotsman was our very own Watty. Rumours that the Englishman was Jeffrey Archer are unsubstaniated.
Joseph had to have some alterations made to his coat of many colours and lost all the orange bits in the process. It should actually be known as the coat of several colours but there was some faulty translation in the King James version of the Bible.
The orange bits were eventually found and recycled to form the coating on David Dickinson.
Misha Baryshnikov chose my bathroom for me and also came with me to pick out colours for the garage door.
The Canadian Dollar bill is made out of leather.
The EU Parliament generally consumes six tons of Belgian chocolate every single time it convenes.
When nobody is looking, cod prefer to swim about a metre above the surface of the water.
When nobody is looking, codpieces hover about a metre above the kilt of Watty.
Prince William weighs seventeen stone, but conceals it with clever use of makeup.
Envelopes are permitted to vote.
Music teachers all have special retractible mandibles that enable them to play big chords on the piano.
The Royal Shakespeare Company has recently run out of Shakespeares.
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