Saddam Hussein was recently given a colonic irrigation. The old-school members of the US Dept. of Defense still cling to the ideaology that "The enema of our enemy is our friend".
Durham cricketers Graham Onions and Philip Mustard are forming a rock band called "The Condiments". Early reviews claim that listening to them is "like wearing a mentholated prophylactic".
Actually, Harris and Nader have only pursued seperate careers since the breakup of their soft roots-rock due Rolf 'n' Ralph in the late 1970s. They never really survived the ill-advised decision to go electric.
Mentholated prophylactic was going to be the name of my bands first album but we were persuaded not to use that title by our PR team, who chose the title Dreams of Pain! Needless to say we only sold 3 copies and now make a living writing jingles for Radio Omsk..........
Alvin Toffler is about to release a new book. In a change of direction he has penned the tome as advice to those Germans who are considering starting a vineyard from scratch. It will be called "Future Hock"
MRSA makes a great sandwich filling and is freely available both in the community and in hospital. Its a much tastier treat than Sudamonas and smells less too!
"Forgive me Madam, but i must refute the assumption that i was ogling you. It is a guarded secret that i possess x-ray vision in my lazy eye and being a man of secular science devoted to the fairer sex i was alarmed at a small malignancy within your upper torso, although it turns out it was the second button of your blouse. Rest assured, the low level of radiation you were exposed to by my roving orb is well below the accepted standards and, aside from a momentary flush of color to your epidermal layer, it is essentially harmless provided you quickly drink this glass of elixir i have summoned from yonder bartender."
"Did i ever tell you why I give up manual labor? I was hauling freight up from Darby one afternoon in the most Hellacious drouth this country has ever seen, why it was so hot my wagons wheels were glowing red and the nails soon melted outen my horses shoes, matter of fact my lead horse Milo throwed his sole remaining shoe and it landed in the draw ahead of us where it fairly upset a poor chap of a field mouse whom was attempting to hang himself from a thistle to escape the climate, the said mouse then tried to flee across the asphalt but when at the center of the highway his feet caught fire and before he'd got to the other side he was engulfed in a conflagration of flames that straightway careened into the ditch and bounced out into a hayfield where it sparked a brush fire that was burning so infernal hot that it [by it i mean the brush fire-not the mouse, as i am afeared the mouse was consumed in the conflagration] promptly [dropped and rolled] and near smothered itself out before I could get there to assist it in climbing up onto my wagons bed to be transported to the Haliburton Burn Clinic where a team of burn specialists began treating it around the clock with cold packs and icicle drips and antibiotics to bring the blisters back down and make it burn with less intensity as a proper flame should. Well after that incident i could never take the sun again and the doc told me to stay indoors and imbibe lots of liquids and i ain't one to go against no man of science, however, there was this other occasion....."
The story of Ali Baba in fact features far more than forty thieves, but the other four hundred and sixteen were not credited just to keep the titles short enough.
"Gorgon" was in fact a cleaning product designed specifically to clean up bloodstains. The formula is now lost, however, which is why you just don't get the same class of clean cut (and above all blood spatter-free) heroes these days.
Donald Rumsfeld speaks fourteen languages, a feat surpassed only by Robin Cook's mastery of twenty six distinct tongues. However, Rummy has the advantage of knowing languages that other people speak.
The first big wheel was made from old bronze spears captured during the Punic Wars. The gods prevented it from being called a ferris wheel because it was not made of iron.
J K Rowling's elfin character Dobby is to be joined in the next book by another elf called Dubby whose sole aim in life is to ensure boots and shoes are thoroughly cleaned and waterproofed. He becomes Harry Potter's enemy when the protowizard starts wearing new fangled training shoes made from artifical fabrics which do not require Dubby's leather-nourishing attentions.
The film "Total Recall" is a complex allegory of the political system of Uzbekistan, where the Upper Uzbeks hold life and death control over the majority of the population there. The analogy between corporate control of air and water in the film and the Upper Uzbeks' stranglehold on the supply of retsina and marshmallow is plain to see. One day the Lower Uzbeks will gain easy access to those rich deposits in the Ramalamadingdong Range...
'Breakfast' and 'lunch' are marketing terms designed to loosen your wallet stud. 'Tea' on the other hand is a euphemism for 'Over the yard arm'. An invitation to 'Dinner' means 'We're having a piss-up, would you like to come?'
I once received an invitation, which I accepted, to some sort of 'do' organised to recognise the contributions made by the Scots and Irish - along with a salute to the 'Little General' - to current world economics. Unfortunately the only thing that I can remember about the whole episode was waking in a hospital bed.
Have you ever seen the bronzed warriors, sometimes known as 'iron men', with muscles on their gut? They are the ones who have never learned how to use a ring-pull.
when TROLLing a slight twist of the forearm as you swing your CLUB will send the head sailing a good fathom farther also, a slight follow through of the shoulder will increase your drive by threefold and when taken by complete surprise the wind, escaping through the gaping cavern of the poet's astonished maw, makes a lovely SCREAMing sound as the dented cranium careens over the castle gate and it makes quite the impression when it lands
all TROLLing ventures must must meet unanimous approval by the FAMILY [as per hunting season and number of tags issued via maturity and specie of poet/ess] however, i must impose a 3 cent tariff on all bullyings, beheadings, bludgeonings, and abductions conducted within my ceremonial stomping grounds [payable direct or collectible by my goon squad] GRUNT! GRUNT! SLOBBER! GRUNT! and DROOL! ~TROLL †
Postmans Knock is a type off illness.........Raw knuckles and swollen knee joints are good indicators of Postmans knock. It should be treated with a pint of ice cold Guiness and a meat pie therapy.........