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... so help me God.
help
I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...
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I was a weather forecaster for a while, but left under a cloud.
I used to be really good at this game before we started discussing our career history.
I used to be a display waterskier, but they cut me loose.
When I realised my job on an old-fashioned railway wasn't for me, I left under my own steam.
I tried dairy farming for a while, but after a drought, I left for greener pastures.
I also tried being an attendant on the QE2, but I missed the boat.
I switched then to selling face make up, but the work was so stressful, I took a powder.
My boyfriend ran into some trouble with the law and took a job on a sheep farm. He finally left because he didn't want them to know he was on the lam.
Then he worked bottling apertifs, but was terminated for excessive absinthe.
I used to work as a flaggelator, necrophiliac and bestialist, until I realised I was just flogging a dead horse.
I then became an army bandsman, but they let me go because (they said) I was marching to the beat of a different drum.
I also tried being a tyre salesman, but now I'm on the skids.
I used to sell DIY equipment, but I throw a spanner in the works by getting hammered, completely plastered. It was a wrench to leave. I felt I was left on the shelf. I saw myself being screwed by the job market. Luckily I got a new job and can paint myself a better future.
I thought I would do well in the undertaking business, but I was passed over for promotion.
I once owned a shoe store. Since I couldn't really give myself the boot, I decided it'd be best if I just soled out.
I had a job installing traffic calming measures but eventually I got the hump.
I had a job on a wind farm but I blew it.
I used to be in charge of the hairdryers at the local salon, but I sucked.
I was Jonny Wilkinson's stunt double, but when I got injured my dreams were kicked into touch.
I so have not run out of puns for this game.
I worked for a while in a chemist's shop, but they dispensed with my services.
I spent a little time as a jobbing artist, until I drew my last pay packet.
I bought a veterinarian practice, but closed it down when I found I'd been sold a pup.
Moving on I became an orchardist, but that turned out to be a lemon.
Later, I tried cleaning toilets, but I didn't have the proper skills - the other staff pissed all over me.
I did try a similar position in another council, but I left there too, I was crap.
At one time I tried being an optician, but they said I was not focussed enough.
When I was younger I worked for a shortwhile in the Catering Corps, but they let me go when I got into a mess.
Once I had a temporary job with a concern which made barometers, but the pressure got to me.
For a while after that I worked for a company making Scotch, but I just didn't blend in.
I had a job designing tumblers for a while - they said my ideas were all great in theory, but wouldn't hold water.
I snagged a job with a 'bus company once - I even took their various I.Q. test over a few months - but when I gave them my report they said I queued too much. OK, I'm half tickled ...
Like Dr Q+ I worked for a company which produces a generic ViagraTM product, but it was just too hard.
I once was a fill-in worker at a company that manufactured pails but left when the owner kicked the bucket.
I joined the professional chess tour...to meet women, of course. I quit after failing to find a mate.
Afterwards, I joined the professional poker tour. Let's just say I folded after pulling the Queen of Clubs.
Later on, I was consultant to the dairy industry. However, most of my clientele dropped off after one of the Big Cheeses said I was milking them for everything they were worth....
I used to work in a mirror manufacturors, but they said my appearance reflected badly on the company.
I tried setting up a low budget airline but it never got off the ground.
So I tried to persuade the London authorities to let me run a privatised Underground system, but that went down the tubes.
As for my poultry farm - well, let's just say it was a cock-up.
With all the talk on nanotechnology these days, I thought there would be a niche for sub-micron fluid holders, but it pailed into insignificance.
I got a job in jungle clearance, but I couldn't hack it.
I tried to design and market a kitched implement for preparing pungent seeds of certain cruciferous plants, but it didn't cut the mustard.
...and my careless typo in the last one shows why I only worked on a dictionary for a short spell.
I started working for an excavation company, but didn't dig it.
I worked for a photographer until I snapped.
My time in the entomology department at our local museum bugged me.
I was quite successful as a font designer, although it was rather against type.
Then I had a job installing blackboards, but gave it up because I was always wiped.
I had a job installing venetian blinds, but then the soft furnishing company next door took over and it was curtains for me.
I can think of many more ideas, all of them better than any of the preceding
I worked down at the Heinz Plant, but was eventually canned for always being pickled.
I was hired by Jonathan Ross to write for him some David Letterman-style Top 10 lists....but was fired for w[here's your coat. -- ed]
I used to work in my local Harvester, but they threw me out when I got into a stew. Then I was really in the soup.
I then worked in a hippy nudist beach community for a while as a lobster-fisherman. They threw me out - I caught crabs.
Then I was Donny Osmond's tour manager for a while a few years back, but I got arrested for making puppy love. ([AP] His educational career began, interestingly enough, in agricultural school, where he majored in animal husbandry, until they caught him at it one day)
I worked in an athletic shoe factory when one day I was terminated for a slip of the tongue.
Indeed, Tina; I used to be a script writer, but the boss gave me the hard word.
At one stage I was an 'illumination' technician, but I wasn't bright enough.
In my youth, I joined a hip acting company, but I couldn't make the scene.
Gimmie, gimme, gimme a man after midnight.
At midnight every night I turn into a goat for 5 seconds. This explains the cheese in my shoes in the morning.
</lie> [ZK] Ah - another Tom Lehrer fan? <lie>
I worked in a music shop until I was drummed out.
[DrQ] I once shot a man by mistake, believing him to be a large, flesh-coloured squirrel.

< /l i e>Was someone going to make a separate game for the Job Pun thing? I thought I read that somewhere.
[ZK] Yes, I was. I did it last week.
There is nothing I enjoy more, and indeed all the world seems in tune, when I'm poisoning pigeons in the park.
When it's Fiesta time in old Guadalahhckhhckhhckhhckhhara...then I long to be back in old Mehhckhhckico.
I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips.
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