Swallow a mouthful, wait five minutes, then pee in the bucket. If the pee has the same bouquet as the wine, your kidneys aren't working.

If you want to impress your companion you need to order a wine at least three times as expensive at that one.

If Sir doesn't make his bleedin' mind up, Sir will find a corkscrew has numerous uses.

I have to say that this Champagne goes particularly well with a pack of Mentoes.

The best thing for removing red wine stains, sir, is somellier urine.

Oops! that should be *sommelier*

Of course the French praise their wine. Anything tastes good after eating that much garlic.

---

May I suggest a new occupation to target? A relationship counsellor

If I were you I'd dump the bastard.

Huh! You think you've got problems?

Come straight in, and sit down please. No talking. Face the front, I said No Talking! it's no good looking at me like that me laddie, me boy, I saw that, right! arms folded both of you. Now!

Hm, actually, you're both pretty fit. How about a threesome?

"Today we will explore role reversal in the bedroom and in preparation I have procured costumes for each of you. I would like for you madame to strap on this cumbrous prosthetic appendage, and for you sir I have a maidenform mangina. In addition, if neither of you will object I would like to tape this session for quality purposes." ............. i know i know i'm outa here already!"

So stay together or split already. Next!

You've got a cracking pair of tits.

OK, you call - heads you stay together, tails you split up.

If you're here, your relationship's broken down. So you already know what to do next, don't you? If you're looking for advice on splitting the assets, don't ask me, see a lawyer.

Well, as we know, most relationship problems are invariably the woman's fault...

Have you been seeing another counsellor behind my back?

In any relationship, one person has to be in charge. So just decide which of you wears the collar and which holds the leash.

Wherever you are, that's exactly where you want to be, or you wouldn't be there. Whatever you're doing is exactly what you want to be doing, otherwise you wouldn't be doing it. There is nothing to fix and no problem to solve. That will be £300.