Is everyone here for the editorial meeting? Ok, good. Heavy news week this week, so only the best stories are going to get space. We'll start with Cheddar Headlines. Ten words max, and the headline can be self-explanatory as in 'The Independent', or horrendously convoluted, as in, erm, The Cheesy Headline Game. Once the headline is finished, I'd like a few words containing the story in a news style, please. Subs, clear your desks, and let's get the presses rolling. Spike it once we reach the usual back page move.
The Serbian and Croatian Legislatures, in a rare act of cooperation, have simultaneously and unanimously passed new legislation banning TV in cars as part of a broader campaign to curb all types of pollution affecting Serbian and Croatian children. "The proliferation of programs such as Sponge Bob Square Pants and The Simpsons on TV has led to the mental pollution of our nations' youth" commmented Irma Veriprim-Prudic, Speaker of the Serbian House, in Belgrade. "It is enough that our children watch these shows at home; we don't want them to suffer even more mental assaults by watching TV in cars while being driven to and from school, or while stuck in traffic jams", she added.
A startling turn of events led to the collapse yesterday of Faria the Foxhound, on the stage at the annual convention of Canines without Borders, being held at the Hydrant Hotel. Faria, President of the organization, who was voted Top Dog at last year's convention, was apparently very alarmed to hear the statistics on the global feline population explosion presented by conventioneer Salma Saluki. In his comments following Saluki's presentation, Faria commented, "Make no bones about it, these felines threaten us and are the bane of our existence! What is more, they think they're the cat's meow. And what is even worse, we don't have the necessary funds in our kitty to combat this global menace. No, I'm not barking up the wrong tree by thinking so. This is no time for us to pussyfoot around the issue!". Faria got so worked up that he finally fainted from the stress. He was revived and helped to his paws by convention delegates Carlos Chihuahua and Boris Borzoi.
Women have been mincing around in his hot couture heels since the '70s, but it wasn't until the '90s that Manolo Blahnik really hit his stride, thanks in part to "Sex and the City" and Sarah Jessica Parker's shoe-obsessed character. A contemporary of Andy Warhol, Blahnik was happy to send his best wishes along with a shoe drawing for the auction at the Andy Warhol Museum's 10th Anniversary Party Saturday, April 9th at the South Side Works. The dinner is sold out, but tickets to the dance party starting at 9 p.m. are still available. (true story!)
The Walt Disney corporation has revealed that the plot for 'The Incredibles' was based on a real story. A family with amazing powers did in fact save virtually the entire planet from destruction before retreating back into obscurity. The real-life culminating battle resulted in the laying waste and destruction of a large portion of a town centre. However as the real town concerned was Slough in Berkshire, no-one actually noticed.
The notorious and inane booty hunter, Mr. Serge Wigglinbotham, has finally uncovered evidence to suggest that the buttocks of famous actress and pop star Jennifer Tropez are indeed (as many have suspected) false. Rooting around in a discarded suitcase he found in a garbage dumpster within the actress' sprawling Florida estate, Serge discovered the suitcase had a false bottom. Within that fake interior he found a discarded pair of women's underwear with built-in padding, mimicking grossly enlarged glutei maximi. Wigglinbotham reported his scoop in an interview and picture spread featured in this week's tabloid rag, The Exploiter.
John Travolta, the aging darling of the silver screen, is currently filming a new musical in Australia based on the traditional Aussie song "Waltzing Matilda". However, the star refused to strut his stuff in front of the camera until he received fresh crisp white pants from the wardrobe department. "You can't expect me to troll around the set in these tramps trousers," he fumed, "what'll do to my image?" The film is though to be somewhat stilted by this demand from the leading man. The film's producer, who prefered to remain anonymous, said: "One just can't imagine a swagman strolling through the bush dressed like a 1920's tennis player, but, hell, its only a movie." Travolta is 51.
Woman Finds Vision Of Jesus On Meat Pie Anchorage, Alaska -- Bidding is now over $700 for a pie that some say has a vision of Jesus Christ on it. The Jones family that owns it says they found it on Easter and it was too good to eat, so they put the blessed pastry in a shrine in there garage bult specially for it. During an interview with Mrs. jones the facts are revealed: “ well it was Easter morning and I was flipping pastries john was at the table, and after flipping the pasrty I saw that it was burnt in the shape of a face, so I screamed and my husband jumped up and said its jesus in our frying pan! We were so glad to have received such a revalation that we walked through our neiboorhood visiting every house and letting them see our divine pastery. Its been three weeks since the incident and we still have it , jesus is starting to mould but we don’t think it right to desecrate the face of god”that concludes the news flash for today tune in next time for U.S nightly news.
A news report has reached the Times from the Toscano province in Italy about a situation that developed when poet Robert Browning was composing his newest poem, Home Thoughts, from Abroad in Italy, . It all started when the bard and his spouse were reminiscing about all things English. Bob fondly recalled the taste and texture of good old-fashioned English treacle, whereupon Elizabeth Barret revealed she had one last jar they had brought with them from England stashed away in her lingerie drawer. As they sampled the sticky, viscous delicacy together, their amorous whimsy took over and they were seen running through the fields of Tuscany smearing one another with that gooey goody and licking it off each other. Eyewitnesses described the scene when the amorous duo, escorted to the local police station by the vilage constable were observed still in passionate embrace, treacle running down both their legs.
As a bizarre consequence of a change in the earths magentic field, wolves in Canada's Alberta province are starving to death. Scientists from the University of Manitoba today released research which shows that the migration path of the Caribou, staple diet of the Alberto wolves has changed dramatically in the last few years. The scientists blame a divertion of the earth's magnetic field which the caribou use to delineate their path through the frozen wastes of Northern Alberta for this change. The only solution say the scientists is for the wolves to be fitted with magnetic compasses which should allow them to realign themselves with the caribou's new found pathways through the wilderness. However animal rights activists from the CPS (Caribou Preservation Society) say that's just the wolves tough luck and it should be left to nature to sort ti out.
Calvin Klein's new scent, Unction For Men, was today blamed for one of the worst derailments in history. A small group of unmarried vestal virgins, escaping a plane load of sex-mad car mechanics from Canada, had gathered together on platform 8 at Birmingham New Street station to perform an experiment. Their aim was to mask their scent through the excessive use of Unction, thus covering their tracks. Sadly, they covered the wrong tracks... Observers said they used far too much perfume, thus creating a small flood which soon coated the rails in a slimy residue. As a result a Virgin train derailed in such an extravagent fashion that passengers were spread across a six mile radius.
The Church of England Times: In a sermon last Sunday, the Rev. Wibley of Deeping St. Mary-in-the-Fields criticised Mornington Crescent as "pointless". "I don't believe there are really any rules to the games these people play," he said, "and visiting the station itself is just an unhealthy excuse to spend all afternoon in a pub. What shall it profit a man if he half-twist to Lancaster Gate, yet lose his own soul?"
In a bizarre series of events Parliament was cleared yesterday afternoon by the Speaker as he had been warned by security staff that a terrorist attack had been launched. All parlimentarians retired to the Members dining room where an imprumptu high tea was served by overworked catering staff. Meanwhile, security forces swept the House searching for terrorist devices. As Members sipped tea and munched scones and jam it was reported that trained suicide marmosets with rucksacks had been discovered hiding under the front benches. They were destroyed in a controlled explosion in Parliament Square by members of the bomb squad. A Cabinet spokesman said: "These Al Queda chappies will have to get up earlier in the morning if they think they can make monkies out of us."
Following the recent terrorist attacks against bathroom installations, engineers responsible for dealing with sewerage have unanimously elected to crap themselves against union rules. "I know the regulations stipulate that we should crap into the toilets, but since the toilets have started blowing up, we've decided it's much safer to crap into our own pants."
A government spokesman responded, "We understand the workers' concerns, but we do not believe the pants are able to take this much load, and intend to launch a full public enquiry into their contents."
Full-colour pictures on pages 10, 12-15 and 30-105. Ask your newsagent for your free Scratch-n-Sniff card!
Angora farmers have found themselves in the crosshairs of a radical [*redundancy noted*] branch of PETA who call themselves 'The Coat Hooks' who claim the animals are not being properly clothed after being sheared and suffer irreparably due to their prolonged nakedness. "It is indecent!" said Mildred Mocks, spokeswoman for the group. "At least allow me to cover their coddles with a fox skin or my priceless mink stole."
In other news, a Devonshire man has been served to appear in court by order of the Department of Transportation [DOT] for collection of back revenue, in a suit challenging that one Mr. Bartholomew Bundy over a noticable period has been operating in the capacity of a motor vehicle without the acquisition of the proper tag in that he has used the turnpike to transport his sheep to the shearer's and then back to the fold again on foot while carrying the said animal on his shoulders. On Sunday, October 2nd, Mr. Bundy was detained and questioned as he attempted to bypass an agricultural weigh point [carrying a woolly Dorset on his back] without pulling onto the scales for the customary inspection. "This is no animal I am hauling," protested Mr. Bundy, "but a wool fleece I am wearing. For I am a pedestrian using the thoroughfare as is my native right." Unable to disprove his claim the inspections agent let him continue. Some short while later, Mr. Bundy again passed the weigh station walking in the opposite direction carrying what appeared to be a sheared Dorset. "I assure you," said Mr. Bundy, "this is not the same fleece, but a smooth one I have exchanged the former one for, as the weather is humid and the woolly fleece proved too insulatory." The jig was up, however, when the fleece jacket jumped from his shoulder and retreated into the center of the roadway where it halted traffic for hours by refusing to move aside. The DOT seeks an unspecified amount in unpaid highway taxes and tag revenue as per fines and penalties. Mr. Bundy proclaims his innocense, stating: "I'll not be the scapegoat here." He is countersuing for the loss of one wool fleece which was never recovered and presumed escaped.
Fred Hoyle Chair of the Guensey Neighbourhood Watch described to your reporter his annoyance and fury with the authorities that have allowed the pirate radio station Radio Salad to continue to broadcast from the islands. According to Mr Hoyle the islands youth were being corrupted by not only Radio Salad's illegal playing of pop music but the announcers did not ever use proper Queens English. He also said the station has no repect of authority and their attacks on him personalied by distribution of Radio Salad bumper stickers "I Love Hoyle"
There was controversy again at the end of last night's X Furrow as one of the favourites Duster Lustre was voted off and sent home by the casting vote of judge Keenan Gareth who let through his own tractor Butter Bird. In retaliation for last weeks sillage incident outside Mornington Crescent, Duster Lustre's mentor Simple Cowbell released several wombats among the audience. Simple insisted that Duster was the better tractor in appearance and style and could pull Keenan's Bird anytime.