(Just to get things started so other people can do someting better and wittier...) Nine companions (of various species) want to destroy a really evil ring. They manage... eventually. The End.

I had something along the lines of, a bunch of guys get obsessed with jewellery, and try to shove this one bit of it in the crack of some guy who lives in a tower with a giant eye. Three of them are really short, and one of the others does magic and stuff. They're also being followed by a skinny, naked midget with a speech impediment, who wants to wear the jewellery, but they set fire to him at the end.

America (again) decides to have a war. However on this occasion a woman gets involved. Lots and lots of 'stuffing' before she finally gets told to piss off.

Rich Londoners go to a lot of weddings. Then one of them dies and they all go to his funeral. And one of them falls for an American woman but is too much of a wuss to do anything about it until right at the end. Oh, and they all swear quite a lot.

The main character is dead when the film begins. What more do you need to know?

A minor character is dead when the film begins. A miserly old scrooge called Scrooge... bah Humbug... Gets spooked three times. Merry christmas everyone. (I ran out of steam a bit; I only wanted to do the first line, then I thought it looked lonely.)

Think of the last time you blew your nose. Think of the noise it made, and that's the soundtrack. Think of what came out of your nose, and that's what the main character's baby looks like. Think of what you did to what came out of your nose, and that's essentially what he does to the baby.

A girl and a boy fall in love, a couple of people get killed... yeah.

An engaged couple break down in their car, so they go to this house they've never been to before and sing, dance and have sex with pretty much everybody there. Aliens make the house disappear. The end.

For anyone who ever said "I'm going to tear up the washstand and pitch it through a window." Nobody falls in love.

Barbara Windsor gets her tits out. That's about it.

A comedy about administrative mistakes and their hilarious consequences.

A hard winter hits New York.

A shark eats people. Well, what do you expect, that's what sharks do.

A story about someone's life that starts with his funeral. Once you've seen someone buried you don't need to know the rest.

Romantic tragi-comedy set against the backdrop of the American Civil War about a woman who makes the mistake of marrying the wrong person, three times. Contains some mild swearing.

Kid in a small town has some psychological problems, which makes him think he travels through time. Except the ending makes no sense because it seems to suggest he actually can.

A man is brutally murdered in a city street. He is so in love with his girlfriend that his ghost tries to make contact with her. Except that the ending makes no sense because it seems to suggest that he actually succeeds. Contains some sexual references.

A man is so bored with his life he makes up an imaginary friend to blow up his appartment, have sex with his crush, teach him to make soap, get a friend killed, and overthrow all governments.

A policeman embarks on a bloodbath after getting trapped in a tower block. At no point does this seriously ring true to life.

A computer crashes while a big black cuboid floats around for no apparent reason. At this point, the entire concept of storytelling completely breaks down and the movie degenerates into a son et lumière show.

A bar owner bets that the most wanted man in the western world can get out of town. He then gives the guy a plane ticket and starts a "beautiful friendship" with a frenchman.

Ugly troll wins beautiful princess, who turns out to be an ugly troll, and the two live happily ever after, thus saying something deep and meaningful about conventional standards of beauty, a message fatally undercut by the fact that the bad guy is also portrayed as physically defective.

Loosely based on the original television series, but with none of the excitement. At the start of the film all the characters have aged about twenty years. An hour into the film, so has the audience. At that point, the entire concept of storytelling completely breaks down and the movie degenerates into a son et lumière show lasting even longer than 2001: A Space Odyssey.

A film about a young man and his mother. Except that his mother's dead. No wonder they couldn't afford colour with a premise like that.

Scottish policeman mislead into thinking a crime has been committed - it hadn't.

Jane Fonda searches for 80's popular beat combo whilst wearing entirely inadequate spacesuit.

9 hours in which they find a ring, then lose the ring. Lots of battles, but few of any intrinsic relevance to the ring thing. Some people fall in love, but very implausibly, and the main characters are all gay.

Most people are gay in this too. Nobody falls in love, really. Nobody dies.

Ambitious nobleman gets the top job, but handles it badly, but the whole plot is revealed anyway early on by some witches, so only worth watching until Act IV Scene i. Lots of people die.

Basically, this is just the whole "he woke up and it was all a dream" ending, except the ending comes at the start.

Boy meets girl on a ship which later sinks.

Early attempt at European Integration runs into bureaucratic problems

Er, I think the "message" is, like, don't cook people and serve them to their relatives in pastry. Well, duh.

A moderately successful pop singer becomes a successful actress when someone on the internet starts killing people who don't like her.

Bangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbang$$!!