...Chutney, Walnut and Grasshopper. Infuriated at its failure to mention me at any point, I threw the encyclopaedia across the cell, and it struck the guard on the side of the...

custody desk, knocking his tea over onto the charge sheet and thus obscuring the reason for my arrest - I was free to go! Well, after all that adventure, you can imagine I was ready for ...

... a meaningless sexual encounter. Not surprisingly, I failed to achieve that, so immediately turned my thoughts towards a potential money-spinning project which entailed matching B-List celebrities and their favourite soft furnishings for yet another reality TV show. Well, I'd got as far as Dale Winton coupling with a Tyrolean sheepskin rug, when .....

... I found Graham Norton underneath the rug. Needless to say, the two were most pleased with the occurrence, but the producers ....

...felt that Mr. Norton's presence tarnished the wholesome image of their show. I was taken into...

a small room and served Scotch and peanut butter cookies. I least I think they were peanut butter cookies, but there was just a hint...

of something herbal about them. Anyway, after a stern talking to from the producers, I felt a bit squiffy and went home for a ...

bout an hour, exhausted as I was. I decided to have a nap but as I went up the stairs...

...they turned into a giant talking banana, so I chatted with him for a few minutes before losing consciousness completely. When I woke up, I discovered that I was, in fact, in...

...a banana plantation in Fiji, completely naked. Enquiring of a passing farmer, I discovered...

I was near a slave labour camp where all the inmates were kept naked. Naturally, not wanting to appear out of the ordinary...

...the farmer also removed his clothes. I personally found all this quite disgusting and resolved to write a letter about it to...

the agricultural department. I mean, after all, the person who processes you corn should...

...be full aware of the consequences and hazards when operating agriculural equipment au naturale. However, when looking for a pen, I...

s..s...stuttered, realising that the farmer had divested ladies knickers, a kind of Freudian slip I supposed. Remembering I'd brought my 80-litre capacity handbag with me, I...

...drank a few litres of the gin I keep in it for Dutch courage. I also dressed myself with the spare set of clothes I carry in my...

...fake breast implant. Things have been so much easier since the operation and...

... the little demons find them really comfortable. Realising I stole that part of the plot from an episode of 'Strange', I decided to get on with and legged it across the plantation, pursued by...

...three alarmingly large men and an enormous buffalo. Suddenly I skidded to a sudden stop, incredibly handy as I had just reached the edge of a cliff. There was nothing I could do but...

jump, to what I thought would be my untimely death! As luck would have it 3 elfin like creatures had placed a large...

..time machine at the top of the ravine and as I jumped I found myself spinning dizzily through time only to emerge at a point where...