| i) Ensemble Celebrity Commentary non-theatrical component of previous furcation K | Since Tuj atomised the celeb commentary by including it in a play, it looks like the only way to resolve the impasse is to have a different commentator for each move. To that end, this move's celebrity commentary will be provided by ... the characters from Little Britain | Tom Baker (VO): But what is the people of Little Britain? Who be they? What strategies do they employ in overcomplicated games of Mornington Crescent? | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| ii) Six Film and Crescent Styles in Search of a Chairman in which the theatrical elements of previous furcations A, C, E, G, I and K are crudely welded together | [All suddenly find themselves on a featureless white plain -- or possibly in a featureless white room, it is impossible to tell] Graziela (Euripidean version): Aye, King Syze, I am here, to take away the life you hold so dear! Graziela (Pinterian version): Well, I'm fucking well here as well. But where the buggery is here? Graziela (Orton version): Not a clue, but I do know where the buggery is. Graziela (Sheridan version): This utterly unanticipated turn of events leaves me distressingly discombobulated! Graziela (Williams version): Ah jest don' have the faintest idea what's goin' on. Graziela (Molière trans. Bartlett version): Events indeed are at a pretty pass/when stranded in limbo is this 'ere lass! King Syze: Oh, do stop talking to yourself, Graziela! Someone tell me what the hell's going on here! Azulejo: Sire, it appears that we have become trapped inside a game of Film and Crescent Styles. Lady Thick: Well, in that case shouldn't there be someone in charge? King Syze: (coughs loudly) Lady Thick: Erm, not that you're not, of course, my dear King Syze. King Syze: Yes, thank you. But you speak the truth; we needs must find a chairman. Meediam: Perhaps Clive Anderson is nearby. Boleti: What about Nicholas Parsons? Graziela: (all six of whom have unified into one being while we weren't looking) Or maybe Nigel Rees? King Syze: Control yourself, Graziela! There's no need for such desperation yet. Azulejo: Sire! I dimply perceive, by some preternatural sense, that beyond this game is another, of which this one we now inhabit is but a fraction; games upon games stretching into infinity like -- Humph: (wakes, startled; honks his rubber trumpet thing) Right, that's quite enough of that metafictional round. The next style is Gilbert and Sullivan. | Vicky Pollard: Yeah, but no, but yeah; I mean, I know I was supposed to learn the lines for the school play but Tanya -- not Tanya who was going out with Michael but dumped him for David because she said he was better at snoggin' -- not her, the ugly Tanya who I think's a lezzer but she says she ain't -- she told me that the play had been cancelled so I didn't think I 'ad to, did I?, and I know Michaela says it was 'cos I was getting off with Michael what Tanya had just dumped -- not ugly Tanya, the other one, of course it couldn't have been ugly Tanya, 'cos she's a lezzer, in't she, so how could she have dumped him? durr! -- and by the way, David is better at snoggin' than him, but of course Tanya -- not ugly Tanya -- doesn't know I know that, and you mus'n't tell her, but anyway, it's not 'cos I was snoggin' him that I didn't learn the lines, and you shouldn't listen to Michaela anyway 'cos she's cross-eyed in both eyes. Don't give me evils! | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| iii) Spanklines the continuation of B | Start up the stuffing removal machine. What's black and white and red all over? | Des Kaye: My jokes were much better than that when I was on the telly. Wikki Woo! Des can't hear you! Wikki WOO!! | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| iv) Carpe Diem the furtherance of furcation D | Only a schmuck sets lights to his farts in a diesel vehicle Veni, vidi, vici | Dame Sally Markham: Are you getting all this down, Grace? "He looked into her eyes and said, 'Have you ever read Caesar's commentaries on the Gallic Wars, my dear? I find them quite inspiring. Let me read them to you!' He took the book from the shelf and opened it. '"All Gaul is divided into three parts, one of which the Belgae inhabit ..."'" You can find the rest on the shelf, Grace. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| v) Just a Late Review F meets the non-theatrical components of A | Mark Lawson: I'd like to start tonight's show by reading a brief statement prepared by the BBC's lawyers. It was wrong of me to unleash a bear on Germaine Greer on last week's edition of the show, and I apologise whole-heartedly to for any suffering and distress that may have been caused both to Germaine and any viewers at home of a nervous disposition. Further, please do not copy my example at home; I am a trained bear handler and unleasher. Germaine Greer: Thank you, Mark. Don't worry, I won't hold it against you; it was just all that testosterone in your bloodstream. Male humans really are much more worthwhile individuals they get taken over by their hormones, you know. In fact I've recently written a book about that very subject-- Tom Paulin: Here, if she's allowed to plug her book, I should get a chance to promote my epic poem about World War Two. Mark Lawson: Except that I haven't tried to kill you recently, Tom. Tom Paulin: Oh, right so. Mark Lawson: Moving on to tonight's programme, first we look at the film version of the long-running musical Chicago. Tom, what did you think? Tom Paulin: That Catherine Zeta Jones is a bit of all right, isn't she? Renee Zellweger, not so much, but you would, wouldn't you? Mark Lawson: Thank you, Tom. Germaine? Germaine Greer: I really liked it actually. My favourite bit was the opening sequence in the club, when Catherine Zeta Jones sang that number that went a little something like this: [Germaine unexpectedly stands up, revealing that she is wearing a short skirt, suspenders and dancing shoes. To the visible surprise of Mark and Tom, she mounts the table and begins to sing] C'mon babe Why don't we paint the town? And all that jazz I'm gonna rouge my knees And roll my stockings down And the totality of the aforementioned musical form Start the car I know a whoopee spot Where the gin is cold But the piano's hot It's just a noisy hall Where there's a nightly brawl And each improvised melody! Oh, you will see thy sheba Shimmy shake And large quantities of syncopated rhythms Oh, she's destined to shimmy till her garters break And excessive amounts of freeform tunes Show her where to park her girdle Oh, her mother's blood'd curdle If she'd hear Her baby's queer For the entirety of the tunes played by Louis Armstrong and similar performers! No, I'm no one's wife But, oh I love this life And the sum total of the music which originated in the southern United States in the late 19th/early 20th century! [Germaine sits back down] Tom Paulin: Well, of course, pen would never say that to Blob, even in reverse. Mark Lawson: Quite. | Jason: (mouth hangs open speechlessly watching Germaine's performance) Gary's Nan: What is it, dear? | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| vi) Two Bakers not Colin and Tom, but rather the application of Tuj's preparation H | Pass Damn! | Bernard Chumley: Well, of course I played Holmes once, you know. After a fashion. Basil Rathbone was ill and I stood in for him in a long shot. Kitty has one of those videos of it, she's very fond of showing people that sequence ... I didn't kill her, you know. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| vii) 101 tasteless uses for a Black & Decker workmate the remnants of E bolted onto J | FUNCTION THE FOURTH: Interrogation/Torture device. Need I say more? | Marjorie Dawes: Hands up who can tell me what the dieter's best friend is. Anyone? No? It's tastelessness. T-A-I-S-T-L-I-S-N-I-S, tastelessness. If something is tasteless, you don't want to eat very much of it. Ryvita, for example. That tastes of cardboard. Not like choklit. Oooh, I love a bit of choklit. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| viii) Straight Bollocks the dangly bits left over from I attached to L | Erect ... Bollards | Emily Howard: No, I don't have any of those. You see, I'm a lady! | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| ix) A fly on the wall of the Let Me Chekov my Oats interface asks stupid questions the remains of C buzz into M | [Graziela, Boleti et al sit in the charred ruins of their house. A fly buzzes overhead.] Fly: 'Ere, what happened to the fields? Graziela: Burnt. Burnt to ashes, each last one, alas. And brave Prince Charming perished attempting to spread porridge on the fields. Fly: And the fire caught the village too? Boleti: It did, indeed. And yet we are mysteriously unharmed despite being caught in the conflagration. Fly: That was going to be my next question. Is it a metaphor? [Bert enters, now utterly shoeless] Bert: I assume so. My pursuit by the bear indicated my flight from my own destiny, so the burning fields must be the destruction of all our hopes and dreams, and the talking fly -- wait a second, what does the talking fly represent? Fly: Erm, Jeff Goldblum's willingness to do the film? [Exit fly, pursued by a metaphor] | Lou: I want those oats. Andy: These ones? But you don't like these ones. You said they had a texture like sandpaper. Lou: Yeah, I know. I want those ones. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| x) Vanilla MC furcation N continues on its merry way | Marble Arch, if only to avoid ending up knee-deep in strick. | Ray McCooney: Well, maybe I'm in strick and maybe I'm not, aye ... (plays panpipes) | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| xi) Gallifrey Crescent a new furcation, splitting off from x) | In honour of the new series, straddles to other programmes written by Russell T Davies or starring Christopher Eccleston are wild (thus making The Second Coming doubly wild, which could make for interesting paratheological play). Marb Station, perhaps not the most logical of places to preserve civilisation for the rest of eternity but never mind. | Myfannwy: Oh look, Daffyd, there's a Doctor Who convention in the village hall this weekend ... | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| xii) Oh Yes It Is A Cartier Bracelet! (only £1999.99+P&P) O, furcation O! | Dragon: Well, thank Mark Lawson's Bears 'R' Us for that. Prince Charming: Prepare to die, Dragon, as I draw my Wilkinson Sword! Mrs Dragon: Not a pork sword? Prince Charming: This is all getting very inter-furcational. Mrs Dragon: Oh no, I can't believe it's not butter! Prince Charming: Oh yes, it is available at this low low price for one week only at your local Tesco. Dragon: Shut up, you two. You can't slay me with a razor, however well manufactured, you silly prince! I'll burn you alive with my fiery breath! Mrs Dragon: That's very unhealthy, dear; you should let me use my George Foreman Lean Mean Grilling Machine on him. Though, you know, love, you could do with a shave ... Dragon: (strokes his chin) I suppose you're right. There's enough Whiskas here to feed an army of even the choosiest cats. Tell you what, prince boy, you give me a shave and I'll promise to lay off pillaging the kingdom for at least a decade. There's plenty of wild sheep and goats in the Eastern Mountains I could eat. Prince Charming: But that's a ridiculous plan! What will everyone back at the castle think when I tell them? Mrs Dragon: Oh, Prince Charming, ridicule is nothing -- [Curtain comes down as fast as possible to avert impending musical number] | Dennis Waterman: Pantomime? Jeremy Rent: Yes, Dennis, pantomime. Dennis Waterman: Not telly then? Jeremy Rent: No. Dennis Waterman: Are they going to have a theme toon for the pantomime? Is that why they want me? Write the theme toon, sing the theme toon ... | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| xiii) Sound charaded any good films lately? the previous P wedded to the non-theatrical elements of G | [Martha] Is your sound charade To Kill a (Tequila) Mockingbird? Or something else to do with spirits? [Tuj] I was disappointed by Reloaded, to the extent that I haven't even bothered to see Revolutions, though I'm sure I'll catch it eventually. (Your embedded sound charade is Ben Hur, I take it?) Tell you what, though, I'm looking forward to seeing this film (four words) when it comes out in a few weeks: Minotaur: Hi Medusa! You're looking stunning, at least as far as I can tell from my mirror. Medusa: Thanks! You're looking fairly horny yourself. But if I'm looking good, it's probably because I've just been to see Polyphemus. Minotaur: Oh, yes, he's set himself up in business as a hairdresser since that unfortunate business with Odysseus, hasn't he? Medusa: He's remarkably good at it considering his blindness, but of course that suits me. Anyway, my hair had been floppy and lifeless, and it turned out to be because most of the snakes had snuffed it. But he chopped them all off and the remaining ones look much healthier. Minotaur: So you're saying you've been ...? | April: Mental block? Extra strong mint! Neville: Er, I don't think extra strong mints can help with sound charades ... | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| xiv) Jet Set Willy I'll try to bring this furcation back in one piece, Q | The Banyan Tree | Daffyd: Jet Set Willy? What's that supposed to mean, eh? We don't want your sort around here! Everyone knows I am the only gay in Llandewi Brefi. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| xv) Small Hypearthquakes previous furcation R, now with added recap |
| Sebastian: The Pope seems to be taking most of the heat from the papers today, Prime Minister! That must be a relief, they're so awful to you normally. I think you're wonderful, though, Prime Minister. The best Prime Minister ever! |
It's also just become clear how difficult Small Hypearthquakes is to finish...
<table> starts a table, <tr> starts a row of a table and <td> starts an individual cell. As with most other tags inserting a slash in the appropriate place closes them off again. So a basic 2 row, 3 column table would be generated by:<table>
<tr>
<td>Cell 1</td><td>Cell 2</td><td>Cell 3</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td>Cell 4</td><td>Cell 5</td><td>Cell 6</td>
</tr>
</table>
which produces:| Cell 1 | Cell 2 | Cell 3 |
| Cell 4 | Cell 5 | Cell 6 |
<table> tag can include attributes like border, cellpadding and so on, which produce various different effects; these are the same sort of things as color=red in a font tag. Also of note are the colspan and rowspan attributes which can be applied to the td tag -- eg <td colspan=2> would make the cell it applied to double size. You can specify a bgcolor, one of the mainstays of this game, and the width attribute which says how much of the table each column should take up -- I think percentages are best from the point of view of cross-browser compatibility. And finally, this is the HTMLHelp.com entry on tables where they probably explain everything much better than I can.| 1 | Well, Brendan's attempt to unify so many massive games at once just led to a build-up of pressure in the Thalian ducts, leading to an explosion of film & crescent styles to contend with. Hence the wholesale takeover of the commentary by Characters from Under Milk Wood | ||||
| Theatrical Celebrity Commentary | |||||
| Continuing the timely revival of game 1 | First Voice: To begin at the beginning. It is summer, black moonless night as the dim, dark villagers scuttle in their coal-dark hovels this June 26th, the blue lilting lapping sea plashes across the tied-up trawlers, hauling the souls of four-fifty men each night from dark to dusk. The village between the wooded hill and the wine-dark sea settles into its nightly routine, bothered by unquiet thoughts of games beyond their ken | ||||
| 2 |
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| Gilbert & Sullivan | |||||
| as requested, a spin-off from Euripdes | Organ Morgan: Praise the Lord, we are a musical nation! Oh Bach fach, Bach every time for me, and then Palestrina, unless Polly Garter's singing at the Sailors Arms, which are always open for young Polly... | ||||
| 3 |
Michael Jackson when he got busted in his hotel room. (But hey, Busted were pretty embarrassed too) How do you worry a flock of sheep? |
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| Tasteless Spanklines | |||||
| unifying 3&7 | Mrs Organ Morgan: You haven't heard a word I've been saying, have you Morgan? It's organ organ all the time with you... [bursts into a midden of salty howling, spearing a doorstep of lamb and mint sauce and burying it whole] | ||||
| 4 |
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| Euripedes | |||||
| Continuing the Euripedean section of 2 | Gossamer Beynon: At last, my love! What else to do, standing in the wine-dark slaughterhouse, but dream of the cloudy future, waist-deep in entrails and chicken hearts? Long, long time to long for loose-limbed lovers, wasting away in the prison cage of Llaregyb [sighs like an aged cat] | ||||
| 5 | - Yaaargh! Is it the pig? | ||||
| Reverse Squeak Piggy Squeak! | |||||
| New furcation | Mr Waldo: In Pembroke City ere I was big/ My work was poor and meek/ I had to climb on top of a pig/ And force it then to squeak/ And when it squoke the other boys/ All tried to guess if I/ Would guess who, by the horrible noise,/ Had stuck his thumb in its eye | ||||
| 6 |
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| Pinter | |||||
| Pinterian section of 2 | Sinbad Sailors: Here's to me, Sinbad, resting his sea-weary legs in the Sailors Arms, the clock stopped at half-past eleven, the cock stopped from crowing by Gossamer Beynon. Thinking of flies attacking bears attacking people down in England where these things happen as all the fishermen say. Time I had a jar | ||||
| 7 | This is a concept of breathtaking simplicity, so what happens is this. Imagine you're in a car travelling at the speed of light, and out of the window you see a footballer breaking the offside rule because the Higgs Boson is between him and the opposing team's goal. Well, obviously you'd slam on the brakes, which in this case can be referred to as Tune 1(a), the car representing Song 1 in its entirety. Then, and this is the clever bit... | ||||
| Describing One Song to the Tune of Another | |||||
| New furcation | Captain Cat: My blind eyes look out on a scene of confusion and fright, but never such confusion and fright as the floods that swamped the decks of the SS Kidwelly, the roaring seas that robbed and dismasted me, stole away young Jonah Jarvis, Curly Bevan, and Alfred Pomeroy Jones... | ||||
| 8 |
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| Ionesco | |||||
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Ba | Mary Ann Sailors: Call me Dolores like they do in the stories. Seems everyone gets married but me, I care for sailors up in my room but I can't pin em down like old Rosie Probert. 34 Duck Lane in the spring of my old age. Come on up boys, I'm dead | ||||
| 9 |
Row, paddle, scull your boat Gently down the stream Merrily happily jovially laughingly Life is but a dream
I dreamt a hallucination of two fine mousies,
Cut water, pull, run rapids in thy craft
Nevertheless, a single mus musculus said, "Let's leave these shores
Punt, stir the waters, attack the waves with the vessel belonging to yourself,
Those creatures drove and pulled without a care
Bing, bang, bongle, bump
The tiny mammals picked up their bodies from the awful fall
Heave, drag, draw the canoe belonging to the second person grammatically
The traditional laboratory experiments searched the dishes and tried to spot em,
Close, shut, stop one's nose,
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| Just a Minim meets Bagpuss | |||||
| Portions of 5 meet an all-new nostalgic feline | Ocky Milkman: Pouring out the gallons of curdified milk into the river Stream, think of the mice chewing poor old Mrs Cherry Owen's sheets to ribbons, where's that pink tortoiseshell cat got to, saw it lapping up the guts outside Butcher Beynon's one evening, never seen him since | ||||
| 10 |
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| Orton | |||||
| Ortonesque continuation of 2 | Rosie Probert: What man did you see / Tom Cat, Tom Cat / When you looked at the King / Long long ago? / What manner was he / Tom Cat, Tom Cat / Was he able to sing / With lute and bow? / Was he small as a pea / Tom Cat, Tom Cat / Did he marry a queen / Or don't you know? | ||||
| 11 |
And the next word is *DING* - Bollocks. Three definitions, only one of which is correct... [1.] Come with me if you will to the 17th century, when the cotton industry was in its infancy. Whole communities grew up and died depending on the yearly cotton crop, and superstitions were rife thoughout those villages. Often nothing could be gleaned from a whole field but a few useless strands, and the culprit was universally claimed to be the boll weevil - in fact the strands he left behind were taken to be his hairs. Hence the expression "we haven't got any cotton mate, all we've got is a load of boll-locks." [2.] Curiously, an American term adopted by English soldiers during the Revolution. They were given the task of imposing curfew within their captured territories to prevent the formation of militias, and were obliged to clear the parks, lock up the theatres and close the pubs. They did this last of all, as the villagers' billards matches, darts tournaments etc. could go on for ever, and they always got violent if they were broken up already. Which gave rise to the expression - "close all the theatres etc. but never mind the bar-larks" [3.] Early in the 20th century, Hilaire Belloc teamed up with Jackson Pollock to paint pictures of bullocks, and one or two molluscs. Along with little-known Austrian painter Paul Ochs, they played cricket with wooden balls, known as Bowl-Oaks, which led to the extinction of the Giant Auk - the last were called Ball-Auks. When these events were first reported, someone said "Oi! What a load of bollocks!" and the name stuck, mainly because there isn't a punchline
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| Call My Bluff | |||||
| New furcation meets game 8 | Jack Black: Ach y fi! Ach y fi! Oh I dream of picking the boll weevils out the cotton rows with Myfanwy Price at my side, then chasing her through the gooseberried double bed of the wood, dragging mw from the spitpenny hops of my nightmares... | ||||
| 12 |
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| Ibsen | |||||
| Sprung like a wild duck from the loins of Orton | Bessie Bighead: I am a footnote to the great irony of life, born in a pauper's grave, milking the cows with brown, oaky hands, burning old muxical instruments to keep myself from death each night, waiting, waiting for the Reverend Eli Jenkins to notice me one night at the back of the pew, where I have a blanket and Bible out ready for him | ||||
| 13 |
[Brendan] 3 words out of 4 right, very good! (This was much easier when I set it last year - you just need a synonym for "children" really). Is yours "Shaun of the Dead"? [Tuj] I thought Reloaded sucked, but then I wasn't too impressed with the first film either. Revolutions is a complete waste of time all round. If you want a good war film, go see Troy while it's still here. (And I know matt's likely to play next...)
[Purser's office, on a slow boat to China] |
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| Stupid questions, but sound charades | |||||
| Continuation of 13 and 9 | Mrs Pugh: What's that you're reading Mr Pugh? Are you reading at table again? Is that not what a pig does? Are you a pig Mr Pugh? Did you know Willy Nilly brought you a parcel this morning? Was it a trough? Will you go to Heaven if you read at table Mr Pugh? | ||||
| 14 |
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| Sheridanian Review of Sound Charades | |||||
| Dash of 2, squeeze of 5 | Mr Pugh: I will go to Heaven Mrs Pugh, as I'm reading the Lives of the Great Saints. I will shortly be adding my name to the book, as I intend to slaughter Tom Paulin with a meat cleaver. I would do the same to Mark Lawson but he's cameoing in some other game at present. And pigs can't read, my dear |
| 15 | I've come to watch pornography Quis condat legitime statuta in civitate | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Carpe Diem | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Continuing 4 | Curly Bevan: It was me who watched Nogood Boyo and Miss Price in Watkins' barn, auntie, and I pawned the ormolu clock before I set sail that night... | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 16 |
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| Tennessee Williams | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The bits of 2 that aren't anything else | Gwennie: Boys boys boys, kiss Gwennie where she says, or give me a penny. Prince Charming can kiss me under the dragon at the hacienda. Unless he's a cowardy custard. And if he hasn't got a penny I'll have his bollocks for a pincushion | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 17 |
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| Late (very late) Review of Just a Minim | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| refurcation of 5 and, er, 5 | Polly Garter: I loved a man whose name was Mark / His hair was slick and his clothes were dark / Two yards long, like a bee he kissed / And his favourite film was The Exorcist / He argued loud and he had no fear / Of scary Germaine or Bonnie Greer / But the one I loved best awake or asleep / Was little Tom Paulin and he's six feet deep | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 18 |
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| Congreve | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Being an offshoot of the Williams | Lily Smalls: Where'd you get those bollocks Lily? Got em from Prince Charming, silly! Got em from a hairy beary, super strong and very scary. Give em to my two white mice. Paint spots on em to use as dice. Squeeze em till I hear em yell. Then give em back to southern Belle | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 19 | North Greenwich | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Two Bakers | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The straightforward advance of 6 | Mog Edwards: Miss Price, I love you more than all the stars visible from the North Greenwich observatory as I've been told. More than flanelette and calico, candlewick, crash and merino. I'll take you to London I love you so much, and the tills of Harrods shall ring for our wedding | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 20 |
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| A Chekhovian interface with a Cartier bracelet | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Eye of 9 and tongue of 12 | Butcher Beynon: Bess, that'd never happen to us. Not for us the rigours of starvation. All Llaregyb is sated with the blood of the butcher's and never asks where it all comes from. And now I'm off to feed the corgies, with my little cleaver... | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 21 | Heathrow Terminal 4, using the Tissue Compression Eliminator to cut young master Tuj down to size, and decreasing Tardis Velocity in a dimensional trap | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Vanilla Gallifrey Crescent | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 10 simmered with the juice of 11 | Mrs Beynon: Oh Mr Beynon! Next you'll be telling me we're eating miniaturised aunts from the vice-dens of London! Oh I fear for this village indeed I do | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 22 |
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| Berkoff | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Not to be confused with Chekhov | Mrs Ogmore-Pritchard: Cwrw, the young of the day, what they need is the voice of the vacuum and the fume of polish. My virtuous polar sheets and iceberg-white teeth stand testimony to the goodness of self-discipline. Now Mr Ogmore Linoleum and Mr Pritchard, other one, give me your tasks in order | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 23 | Straightening... Bollocks | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 101 tasteless uses for a Black & Decker workmate | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| A crude welding of 7&8 | Mr Ogmore: I must straighten my bollocks in the drawer marked 'Bollocks.' I must mend the Black&Decker which has a hole down the centre. I must take my balsam which makes everything tasteless. I must remove the 101 fleas on the dachshund by combing which is good for the dog. I must tell the workmate I will be delayed | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 24 |
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| Moliere (still the pisspoor Bartlett sacrilege) | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The merest smidgen of what's left of 2 | Mr Pritchard: I must use the French polish on the grime-caked stair-rods. I must put on rubber gloves and repent of my misanthropic tendencies. I must attend the school for husbands which is good for me. I must drag the artistes down to the coal-hole | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 25 | Teleporting from Deserted Isle to Beam Me Down Spotty, to avoid the Attic attack | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Jet Set and his Willy | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I couldn't get out of it | Mrs Dai Bread Two: I see an orangery. And now it's vanished. Ach, the mean old clouds. I see a master bedroom and a hat-bearing little man with big pink lips. He hums an air of Grieg. Now he is dying seven times in furious pain in the priest's hole. He has a wall-eye | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 26 |
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| Japanese No drama | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Hurtling off from the strains of Moliere | Nogood Boyo: Would you like this stream-bedraggled kimono Mrs Dai Bread Two? It was I caught all day in the fast-flighting stream, politely writhing under my fishing tackle. Oh Mrs Bread. I want to be good Boyo, but nobody'll let me. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 27 | The frinting light beswam the trees As morning brought the brestling breeze When Stan the Brunter crocked his skin And saw the ranxing Tharl come in | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Kandra Woods | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| New furcation | Willy Nilly: There's a letter come all the way from Kandra, Mrs Mae Rose Cottage. A ranxing Tharl wants a bed for the night so he can blinge the franking snurls and freem the slobolinks all day and all night. I promise he won't dirty the sheets. He only wants a single bed -- he says | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 28 | Scene 3. Enter two flies
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| Oh Yes It Is a Fly on the Wall! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Two parts 12, the rest 9 | Alfred Pomeroy Jones: The flies are my only company, my only friends, the only ones to see my tattoos of mermaids, hear my twisted body crack with age and sea-water, feel my earth-wettened skin-hairs crawl with the movements of creatures outside my wood-rotting coffin | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 29 | Oh venerable Gazuga, thy smooth lizard warriors are as wild harts leaping over the mountains, basking only in thy radiance | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Gazuga Worshipping | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| New, but very very old, furcation | Utah Watkins: Damn you, you damn gazuga! Get gone away from here you fat ugly wretch! Get him Harry you blind deaf dog! Sit on him, Daisy! Gallop him to death Swiveller! Fall on him you imperturbable clouds, you sky! | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 30 |
Enter Graziela, Boleti, Azulejo and Chorus | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Rice/Lloyd Webber | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Jetting its way out of the realms of panto | Evans the Death: I remember it fifty years gone by, waking up in the snow-spattered village as the prince walked through, everyone in their finest frocks and fineries, dandied up like they'd be meeting their maker, then they caught a sight of his new princess in her shiny wig and earrings, let out a collective crow-splitting scream like the tide of the Apocalypse. Ach, I still wake up screaming to this night | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 31 |
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| Small HYPEarthquakes | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Continuing 15, in the vein it was intended (reading down as well as across) | Rev Eli Jenkins: I never claimed the Pope was myself. All I did was pray for the less than five hundred souls, neither bad nor good, of the village below Llaregyb Hill, until tomorrow when I begin again the corporal works of mercy by bringing jelly and poems to the sick and needy. Look you |
| A | Celebrity Commentary: the Good, the Bad and the Tasteless. An amusing diversion to enhance appreciation of furcations | 1, 3 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: Stop waffling and just f___in get on with it! | I'm not quite sure how I didn't understand the concept of Celebrity Commentary in my previous move. Anyway, to make it up to Martha Farquar (who was quite dismayed, shall we say), this'll have 2 lots (on the DVD release, not included in special features on VHS). The 'celebrity' part now also comprises the half of previous furcation 3 which isn't now part of Furcation E, namely the tasteless bit: Ozzy Osbourne of course! And the 'commentary' bit, to counteract such forces of evil and darkness, will be provided by Test Match Special. Play on... | Radio 4 Announcer: Well, those of you wishing to continue listening to Insomniac's... sorry, Woman's Hour, that'll now be on FM only. For listeners on long wave, here's Test Match Special. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| B | Drama: Shakey Shakespeare The saga continues; bring on the iambic pentameter! | 2, 4, 8, 10, 12, 16, 18, 22, 24, 28... 30 to follow | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: That's the whole f___in problem with theatre: a bunch of f___in ponces prancin about speakin in words you can't f___in understand! Eh? It's not the only thing to lose the f___in plot though... | [Intermission, during which rab juggles reels of film while penelope and Blob perform the Two Ronnies' Mastermind sketchScene 5 or lessAt Castle Drogo, where a dual wedding ceremony and a coronation have just taken place. All characters are present, and seated at a huge banquet table.Excuse me, for I've swallowèd a fly [Coughs up fly] Ah, there, it clears; I am not going to die! Now I am unaccustomed to such speech, The marriage bed awaits, the curse is dead [Chorus: "Curse is dead!"] Indeed, King Syze hath taken Hymen's vows Le Roi se meurt? Vraiment, le roi se meurt. And also, by coicidence it seems As if by some collective destiny We'd've ockerpied a ranch left ba the King. [sighs] Tha' you'd've married Meediam as well. [shifty eyed look]
Hath taken root in other wand'ring story As if destiny and love were congregating Now let us go disport ourselves with bear baiting! Not like fucking old times; this is living! We've wedding gifts! Best fucking part of being wed Come play with toastrack or this bloody sack instead! [proffers sack marked "OATS"] It's fair to say the testing times are gorne Enjoy it! Don't reflect on such crimes as That murd'rous duel in which I slew Bette Bourne.
For your opinion is not worth a jot! It's not panto! I won't tell you again! [An awkward moment, then enter Chorus. Band strikes up for musical-style finale piece] | Henry Blofeld: You join us here on the final day of this five day drama, plenty of people in fancy dress around, oh look, one chap's come dressed as a bear! How lovely. A full field of well-wishers, ranging from mid-off to deep mid-wicket, with the best man NIT Boleti at backward short leg and bridesmaids at extra cover. Here comes the bride now! And what excellent delivery she has! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| C | Reverse Squeak Piggy Squeak The hills are alive with the sound of squeaking. | 5 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: Sharon! Sharon! The f__in pig's squealin again! | *sound of frantic squeals, probably porcine* | Jonathan Agnew: Some sort of disturbance at the edge of the field... well, someone's let a pig onto the pitch, here come the stewards to deal with it. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| D | Drama: Pinter? What's wrong with combining Pinter and bloody stupid questions? | 6, 13 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: Eh? What the f___? | [exit Barry] | Blowers: Oh look, an aeroplane, our first of the day. A slow-medium aeroplane, coming in from the third man boundary, isn't that fascinating? Sir Viv Richards: Err, haven't they just taken a wicket Henry? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| E | Carpe Spanklines A gruesome hybrid whereby age-old jokes have new punchlines translated from foreign tongues. | 3, 15 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: Why did the chicken cross the road? Je ne sais f___in pas! | Conduct a quiz on legal statutes involving sieves. Well, that'd worry most sheep) | Aggers: ¿Cómo es eso? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| F | Ionesco's Cat The dregs of a previous drama collide head-on with feline nostalgia. | 8, 9 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: Oh f___- GRROOAR!! | Right, this'll show 'em. I've been doing my best recently, I've been shedding my hairs everywhere, especially on the King's spare robes. Oh, and I scratched every last cushion on his throne. Funny, though, none of the people in the castle seem to care any more - and I'm sure I've seen some hair and scratches that weren't mine. And more flies... Still, you can't beat some good old-fashioned midnight yowling. I'll just squat in this corridor and MeeeooooewGRRROOOOAAAARRRR!!!! | Blowers: In comes the bowler, bowls, and... oh that's a lovely shot, placed carefully through the field but with the strength of a bear. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| G | Call My 101 Uses For A Black And Decker Workmate Exactly what it says on the tin. Can you figure out what it's for? | 11, 23 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: As I get older, I find a Black and f___in Decker Workmate id the best f___in way to get the head off of a f___in bat before I can f___in chew it. |
Christopher Martin- Jenkins: I say, I remember down at Sussex one season, the stumps were caught under the heavy roller, totally destroyed. Or at least one would have thought. But this clever lad, you see, Johnny I think his name was, had one of those new-fangled Black and Decker Workmate things, and he was able to straighten them up again! Mind you, Sussex lost. I was most peeved. | | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| H | Sheridian Sound Charades: Late Review | 13, 14 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: Tuj is the worst f___in Sound Charader I've ever f___in seen! He can never f___in guess anything! | [Cut to King Syze, holding a cardboard cut-out of a screen surroud in front of him. The camera pans in slightly, attempting to give the impression we are in fact seeing an image of King Syze on an expensive laser display board] [Cut to Poor John Lovelie as he enters, brandishing a small bowl of custard, from which a low rumbling emanates] | Sir Viv: Yes, well, we had a good time watching a Sheridan play during my last English tour. Still, de language was a little convoluted, no-one talks that way any more, eh Henry? Blowers: Of course not, my dear old thing! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I | Farmyard Film Club A brand new furcation, where the panellists must devise film titles to amuse shepherds, farmhands and the like. But not bears. | * | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: Oh f___in ell, no more animals! | Firstly, the Arnold Schwarzenegger vehicle The Germinator. | CMJ: I say, what a terrible pun! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| J | Describing One Song To The Tune Of Another with the help of a Cartier Bracelet Humph rambles on, but what's that on his wrist? | 7, 20 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: Oh FCUK! | ...as the car in front is a Toyota, and therefore Tune 2a, then the removal of the engine of Volkswagen 1a is analogous to the second, or 'other' tune, as played by Colin Cellnet on his Steinway. Of course, I'm sure you're all now thinking 'Where do Black and Decker Workmates or Jacob's Creek wines come into this?' Instead I'm going to answer the question 'Who removes the engine?' Well, personally I'd take the car to Kwikfit to have this done, mainly as it's next door to the One Stop where I buy my Polo mints and a copy of the Independent anyway. However, maybe you know of a Seat garage by the Safeway's where you get some Carlsberg and the Radio Times, but ideally that's beside the point. Don't forget that the main concept to be grasped is... | Aggers: In comes the bowler, bowls to the new batsman... and he's out! Caught behind! And he's made a golden Toilet Duck! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| K | MC: Eleven Mover You know, there just wasn't enough Mornington Crescent being played here. Here's a little puzzler to keep the die-hard fans in. MC in 11, upon which this furcation is programmed to self-destruct. | * | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: F___ Allbright's opening, what's wrong with f___in Seven Sisters? | Right, I'll set it up as a classic Chalk Farm '84, but with diagonals initially blocked under Najek's Construction so as to reduce the Freem Co-efficient sufficiently. And then Allbright's opening, Totteridge and Whetstone, and home at Goodge Street. | Blowers: I must say I'm not such an aficionado of such limited-overs competitions. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| L | The Oats / Chekhov Interface A disfurcation - previous drama strand #20 with a Cartier Bracelet forcibly removed. | 20 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: I remember arguin with the other Sabbath guys about whether life is as futile as growing f___in oats in a minefield. Nothing I like more than a good f___in bowl of porridge. | [Bert and Graziela embrace] | Blowers: And the ball rolls over the boundary rope, and he has made a hundred! Quite splendid innings! And the crowd, to a man, rise and applaud, like a field of oats in the breeze! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| M | Four Jet Set Bakers Four Words. Two games. One furcation. | 19, 25 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: That's total f___in rubbish! | Back to Bathroom / Hammersmith | Blowers: Splendid! Oh I say! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| N | Late Review Does Just A Minim A response to all those people who saw Germaine Greer's performance in Brendan's move and shouted 'Encore!' | 17 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: It's nice to hear some f___in music for a change. I've had enough of my f___in daughter... sings like a cat in a f___in blender! | [Tom Paulin waves] Mark Lawson: And of course, as he's one of our critics, he has a certain arrogant streak, so he had to find an extremely difficult song. So, with the Barenaked Weasels, the Late Review house band, Tom Paulin will now perform a song called "Yes! Yes!! Yes!!!" by the Barenaked Ladies. Enough is sufficient equals plenty or ample also adequate and abundant's same as necessary again I called your bluff 'cause you think you're so tough Because you can make enemies out of friends I am getting sleepy; I'm in your command Yes! Good!! Fine!!! I understand Indeed! Correct!! OK!!! I comprehend Over and above or higher which is more, also repeated, re-iterated, even recurring anew A fact is a truth or a reality, a certainty, nay an event, even an incident to misunderstand Repetition of suspicion Nearer and closer, less further or far, perhaps adjacent / adjoining to our demise Iteration of misgivings | Aggers: Interesting tactics from the captain here. Many criticise the selection of a relatively unknown song, but he seems to have pulled it off jolly well. Mind you, he's picked a song with triple repetition in the title, strings of six or seven repetitions... it even repeats the word 'repetition'! And of when your technique with the thesaurus is that good you can't really go wrong. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| O | Psycho Haiku Here that knotty question is finally answered: what do you get when you cross Japanese No Theatre with the lyric intensity of Just A Minim? The first letters of this haiku form the first line of another haiku. Not quite fractal complexity, but tricky nonetheless. | 17, 26 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: FFS. FF S, FFS, FFS. FFS. O f___! |
| CMJ: Not a country noted for its cricketing prowess, Japan. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| P | Gazuga-Worshipping Vanilla Gallifrey Crescent I'll explain this slowly. The game we all know and love, with a Gallifrean twist, and then played while worshipping Gazuga. | 21, 29 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: I wish I'd been f___in christened Martha Farquar! | Time to flee from Martha Farquar's trap to a location nearer the interstitial time delay helix, namely Westminster, but Frau Farquar shall feel the wrath of Gazuga soon enough. By the way, are cybermen wild? They are no match for Gazuga's mighty lizard hordes. | Blowers: I say, who is this Gazuga chap? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Q | Kandra Woods Continuing frumitious (and indeed frumtious) verse. | 27 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: I saw a f___in Tharl once. I think I was stoned at the time. Can't f___in remember. | "A Tharl!" he thunked, "In Kandra Woods!" "And ranxing as though in its proods!" So to his nurlsome pack he made To divestile his taunic blade. | Aggers: There's still a long-running debate about the use of Tharls outside the limited-over games, but personally I think it should be allowed. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| R | Maximum High-Speed Reverse Obliterate Ruttsborough's Ostrich "Maximum of 5 moves: starting with the ostrich, lose it. Go!" | * | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: F___in ell! A f___in ostrich on the Tube? This is good f___in stuff! | And after that devastating pincer attack (reminiscent of Projoy himself) I have the ostrich pinned at Homerton. Huzzah! | Blowers: Oh I say, a most excellent ostrich capture, rather reminiscent of Sir Viv Richards! Sir Viv: Of course, de ostriches we used were smaller. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| S | Ever-Decreasing HYPEarthquakes A change of direction, but essentially the same game. | 31 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: Is it my f___in eyes, or are there 32 headlines on this f___in newspaper? |
| Blowers: And that's the last ball of the day. A level match so far? Sir Viv: Even stevens. Blowers: What will the papers tomorrow make of it? Sir Viv: Mountains out of molehills, probably. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
[Shurely 'Congratulations'? -- Ed.]