Quis condat legitime statuta in civitate

[Enter Prince Charming, limping slightly]
• Prince Charming: Tarnation an' Lawks a-mercy!
• Graziela: Why hi baby *flutters eyes, straightens dress* I never seen ya walk that ways befower
• Belle: Who in lan'sakes is this, Sister Woman? Ma Prince is down thayer on the dirt track yonder!
• Graziela: Oh honey, I jes' wanna bring up a bunch o'kids an' settle down on a great big hacienda ranch...
• Prince Charming: Weell, I c'n jes' about manage that, 'cept fer the kids...
• Sebastian: [rushes up brandishing shotgun] Hell, you gonna hev too, boy! Thayer's gonna be a shotgun weddin' goin' down this morra!
• Prince Charming: I ain't marrying no hell cotton-pickin' two-bit lame-horse whisky-chewin sack o'dirt like thayat! Hot dayamn!
• Sebastian: What! A'right then. We gotta nother gennleman caller here anyways. How'd ya lak' t' marry m'daughter son?
• Azulejo: Holy smokes!
• Belle: Boy howdy! This is grody to the max!
• Azulejo: Ah'm not shure abouwut thiyus. Can you handle my five-year drinkin' problem an' ma poker nights with ma buddies till 3am ever' night?
• Belle: Oh lover mine! This is heaven-sent! Let's all move to a squat in Louisiana too!!
• Prince Charming: Yeah!

• Mark Lawson: A lost masterpiece of the Anacreontic ode begins "The thirsty earth soaks up the rain, and drinks and gapes for drink again." The immortal Grecian could just as well have been listening to the previous rendition of "Row, paddle, scull your boat", performed there by the inestimable Charlie Mouse. Bonnie Greer, I assume you were captivated by the rhythmic devices evinced therein?
• Bonnie Greer: Well, y'know th'frrst thng Ah have t'say is, hell, A'm n't a prrt uv this Engl'sh TV thing, y'know, an' Ah hadn't hrrd uv the Mouse Organ p'rrformers before this so um, c'mparing it w'th Germaine's own rendition uv All That Jazz, hell all I can say is...
• Mark Lawson: I'm sorry, we had to leave Bonnie's sentence there as I just want a quick reply from Mark Kermode at this point, Mark?
• Mark Kermode: Yeah, there are two reasons why the piece doesn't quite work as it stands, one is that the mice should have looked where they were going and avoided the slippery patch, and the other is the unconstrained use of CGI animation which quite clearly wouldn't have fooled a five-year-old. That the makers spent almost $100million on the special effects alone is something I find virtually incredible
• Bonnie Greer: But Mrrk, y're ignrring th'fact th'mice wrre rowing b'ckw'rds into th'kitchen 'n' c'dn't've seen wh're th're going
• Mark Kermode: The whole thing was a pile of pants and you know it
• Mark Lawson: I'd like to bring in Tom Paulin at this point, but he's just escorted Germaine into the green room, so we'll move on to Mariella Frostrup
• Mariella Frostrup: Raargh raargh raargh raargh raargh raargh raargh raargh raargh...
• Mark Lawson: Well, general consensus from our panel there, it seems the Stilton cheese will run for ever. Kirsty will be back in a while, so let's move on to Topless Mud-Wrestling in Calcutta...

• Belle: Why, truth on't, these tidings are unusual to me. Let us not tarry longer, but search out the scoundrel whose impudicity hath resulted in this regrettable lack of bollocks
• Graziela: Oons, my life. Tis exceeding good to care in such wise. Let us indeed search till not the least cranny is unstopt
• Azulejo: A man of Wit hath no requirement of bollocks. He toys merely with the twin globes of Rhetorick and Oratory, all else is distraction
• Sebastian: A man is but a fool to his bollocks, for bollocks are the tools of love in the hands of the gods
• Azulejo: Or the hands of the bear
• Sebastian: I fear in a match of wit and intellect, the bear would win every time
• Belle: A bear is a worthy adversary to a man for both are swayed by honeyed words and thoughts of death
• Graziela: And can be skewered by the rapier tongue of woman
• Belle: What fools are we to contend with such savage beasts?
• Sebastian: I could find it in my heart to marry thee, my Lady, purely to be rid of thee
• Azulejo: Quite so, my amorous yearnings towards thee are as nothing compared with my deportment against thee
• Graziela: O sweet Sir, I know you to be Cad and Liar of the first water. How can I trust you with my feelings ifeck?
• Azulejo: Why lady, do you not know the essence of Truth lies in malice and lying? For that is the inground nature of the Man, and only the most truthful among them dare confess it
• Graziela: Eternal blessings, my servant! I accept your cruel and unusual offer of marriage
• Belle: And I to you good coz!

  [Enter Prince Charming, limping painfully]

• Prince Charming: What's so funny anyway?

• Bert: The fly is a metaphor. [Fly buzzes back in; Bert whacks it with a shoe] I am that fly. Could make a short story out of that
• Graziela: You know, I could just do with a flame-grilled Pot Noodle at this point. Which is a metaphor for how useless and pathetic my existence has become. I'm in mourning for my life
• Boleti: You wouldn't prefer a pack of Old Werther's Originals at all?
• Bert: We must stop moaning and be practical. We need more wood to rebuild the house. A Jewson RSJ would be useful, or some steel bars
• Graziela: How about Barrs Irn Bru Made in Scotland from Girders? That's the thing we need
• Boleti: And metaphorically represents the iron fist of the Bolshevik revolution pervading this land. Ah, what I wouldn't give for a Heinemann Edition 1863 Das Kapital. *sighs*

• Enter Chanterelle, Cep and Morel, on a wagon

• Chanterelle: Oyez! Oyez! Who wants an old Hewlett Packard DeskJet!
• Cep: And a vast quantity of Scotts Porage Oats at that? We've fallen on such hard times, what with our brother's catachretic gambling habit and the movements of the Army
• Morel: Yes, got tired cleaning up after them. You look cold, quick, put on this Manolo Blahnik coat and muffler, and get a bit of L'Oreal Rouge No. 6 on those cheeks!
• Boleti: Heavens! The approach of Western capitalism is encroaching like rain - no, like a Swarovski Crystal simulacrum of rain!
• Chanterelle: Won't somebody take this lovely Fujitsu Siemens Amilo A1630?
• Graziela: Not sure, it must have 3 USB processors and Firewire...
• Boleti: And I hear they give the user unspeakable nipple creep...
• Cep: Never mind that - we have this beautiful Christian Lacroix wedding dress, with free Bollinger '68 for the happy occasion.
• Bert: We must get married. It will represent the union of the prose and the passion, the SkinKindly and the Radox ShowerFresh of our souls
• Boleti: Darling!
• Morel: Oh shut up, he's talking to me
• Graziela: No, he's talking to me! I accept, o shoeless Bert! Have a pair of tan Dr Martens as an engagement gift!

[Bert seizes a smouldering plank from the ruins of the house and proceeds to smash the wreckage repeatedly until the plank snaps. He then finds a shoe and smacks it rhythmically against his own head. Perhaps he wears glasses; if so, the glasses are knocked off and hit Graziela in the eye. Boleti wades in and nuts him. All three assume statue-like poses with frozen stares of horror as Bert speaks]
• Bert: Fuck this for a laugh. Call this fucking wreckage, you should've seen what my place was like after me 21st. Shit, we was knee-deep in it, we'd put all our boots and chains and knives on, ready for a bit of fun Sat'dy night like, went down and saw the striking bus drivers, gave em suomething to strike about, made a noise like wet beef when they crumpled down in a heap like, fuck it were funny, then down the Roxy, took down a couple of old farts along the way, bunged a couple of sacks of oats at em while we was at it, by what larks we had. Funny

  [Graziela moves. Adopting a spindly crab-like position, she approaches the front of the stage with an expression that simultaneously expresses grief and untold joy. Lighting up a cigarette, possibly Raffles or Berkeley but not Silk Cut, she surveys the wreckage about her and the audience in one movement. "Ooh what a beauty" emanates from an unseen gramophone]

• Graziela: I'm sick of my house, I'm sick of my family. All it does is make me sick. Fucking sick I said. No company, no husband, no fucking sex. Fuck this for a game of soldiers. I'm going to get a fucking marriage if he kills me. I want some fun, I want oats, I want answers, I want porridge
• Boleti: Shit, I want this I want the fucking world, daft bint maybe I should fucking marry you, then I'd show you something about the world. This is 1974, what you expect from a transitional period except a bunch of disasters to moan about? [Freezes again in hideous angry position]
• Graziela: That's settled then

• Prince Charming: Dear sister, it is me!
  Stop reading that infernal commentary
  Made up by some poor journalistic rascal
  And tell me what you're doing in this castle!
  Your education, which is costing tons,
  Is taking place at prep school, run by nuns,
  So pick your baggage up and get back there
  Or else!
• Meediam: I think, good brother, you don't care.
  Or maybe you should get back on your bear
  And fast become a Foreign Legionnaire!
  Your misanthropic ways I understand.
  There's ne'er a man to trust in all this land
  But tell me why you killed that man at least!
  What's wrong with working as a drag artiste?
• Prince Charming: I just upheld the oath to which I'm sworn
  To slay all monstrous dragons, and Miss Bourne.
  I found it, as she did, disheartening
  When she began her Ricky Martining.
  I put a stop to livin' la vida loca
  With trusty shield and trustier red-hot poker!
  Enough of this! I've left my erstwhile jailer
  To seek the hand of Princess Graziela
  Despite the cops' insane effrontery
  To make me leave this ignominious country
• Boleti: And furthermore, your Highness, may I seek
  Your hand some night, in dancing cheek to cheek?
  I hate to make so bold and be so forward...
• Meediam: You've got less chance with me than a dinosaur would
• Boleti: That's settled that then

  Enter Graziela and Azulejo (they're the only other ones in this one)

• Azulejo: Oh your Highness, see!
  I beg your hand in marriage!
• Meediam: Certainly!
• Prince Charming: Now Princess Graz, I've now made up my mind
  To take you off and leave this land behind!
  Your things are packed, we'll sneak out past the guard-
  Meediam: Er, dearest brother, that'll be quite hard.
  It says right here in OK magazine
  That Graziela's married some drag queen
  Called Bette Bourne, whose athletic, stocky build
  Was just enough to stop her being killed
  By your long, vicious onslaught
• Prince Charming: Mercy me!
  I'll take this man apart, in one two three! [does slashing actions]

  Enter Bette Bourne

• Boleti: Listen, Princess to our tale / Filled with grief and woe
• Prince Charming: Long have we travelled and far / And while riding bear-back
• Boleti: Yet we strove through foam-flecked streams / For it is written
• Prince Charming: As the Great Sage was cajoled / By Devadatta
  To save his weary body / By crossing bridges
  And found his path to Kamo / Blocked by his own doubt
• Meediam: The flower that has fallen / Dreams that Spring is done
  Let us waste no more time here / And move on to tell
  What progress you have both made / Towards nirvana
• Prince Charming: I am a murderer, true / But as a soldier
  Who took his orders from high / My daimyo father
  Who instructed me to kill / By the Lion Pounce
  And the Tiger Leap as well / And the Duck Hammer
  Boleti: We now seek enlightenment / Through bonds of marriage
  As did Queen Maya long since / And Atsumori
• Meediam: The world is quickly changing / Fate cannot be guessed
  Your Graziela is wed / To a wand'ring knight
  Called Mark Lawson, who / By Buddha's powers
  Has transported his body / From a diff'rent game
• Boleti: Ah! this asserts the power / Of the great Buddha,
  Unpredictability / Of the ways of fate
  And how we must never let / Our guard drop at times
  Of greatest passion, which let / The cops drag us in

  Enter Graziela, Azulejo and Mark Lawson

• Fly: COUGH COUGH HACK GRRAOMPH COUGH
• Fly: Something wrong?
• Fly: Not at all, I'm just a hoarse fly.
• Fly: Well I've seen a house fly...
• Fly: And I just saw a dragon fly... over that mountain and off to the castle
• Fly: I think he had a prince on his back, but going so fast it was just a blur
• Fly: Isn't it always the way, the prints are blurry when they come back? *sigh*
• Fly: Do you think they were happy?
• Fly: No, the Prince had a long face - and as for the dragon, well...
• Fly: Will he get to marry Graziela then?
• Fly: They'll certainly put the heat on the King to let them now
• Fly: He's got a burning ambition to do it. Good heavens! The entire left-hand side of the castle has just erupted into flames!
• Fly: Well, the castle's all right then
• Fly: Yes, but there's not much left

  ---

• Narrator: [in front of curtain] And then Prince Charming knew the dragons'
  Word would be enough.
  They both reminded him about
  That other rascal, Puff
  [Chorus of kids comes on, going "La la la la la la la la la la la..."]
  A kind and gentle dragon, who
  Would never harm a fly
  And so he left to tell his folks
  They'd just eat Shepherds' Pie

• Chorus: Oh Prince Charming, it's so alarming
  Will your dad be mad?
  Graziella, what'll you tell'er?
  She'll feel bad, not glad [Repeat until scene change is finished]

  Scene 3. Massive big-budget palace throne room, loads of fireworks & special effects

• King Syze: [who looks like Elton John] Yeah I told you so long ago,
  That the dragon guy had to go
  'Cos I wanted his golden hoard
  So you took ma armour and ma singin' sword
  Now I heard about the rescue sooner
  From ma daaarlin' daughter Laguna
  She returned from the dreaded dragons' lair
  She was ridin' on the back of a grizzly bear, I'm sayin'

  Good killing! You didn't quail
  Or shy, or run, or faint,
  There's not one scratch on your chain-mail
  Hey, I'm gonna make you a saint!
  I bet you've brought a ton of gold
  To end this fine romance
  My only pleasure's my reserves of treasure
  But I just wanna dance! [Gigantic rock-opera dance number]

• Prince Charming: I say, Majesty - what was that again?
• King Syze: I bet you've brought a ton of gold
  To end this fine romance
  My only pleasure's my reserves of treasure
  But I just wanna dance! [Entire number again]

• Narrator: And so Prince Charming had to tell
  The king what he had done
  It cast a blight on all the regal
  Merriment and fun
• King Syze: Oh useless prince, now all must see
  The coward that you are.
  I almost wrote a eulogy:
  "Prince Charming, Superstar"
  Now you must prove your kingly worth
  By seven years of toil
  You'll spend it digging up the earth
  To prove you're brave, and loyal.

  And I think it's gonna be a long long time
  Till Princess Graziela calls you "Mine"
  You'll never see her til the years are done
  Oh no no no,
  I'm a horrid king [Horrid King!]
  Forcin' you to work out there alone...

• Narrator: Prince Charming worked out there alone
  For seven fruitless years
  Though never once did he complain
  Or mutter threats, or curse.
  And when the seven years were up
  King Syze called him inside
• King Syze: It's time to hand out payment, Prince
  It's time to see your bride

  [Prince Charming draws back bride's veil to reveal Douglas Smith as Princess Laguna]

  Douglas Smith: I, Princess Laguna, will be playing
  A heavyweight boxer at the weigh-in
  Or possibly... CLIPCLOPgruntmunchmunchNEIGH!-ing

• Prince Charming: Oh no, a horse! Quit the incessant braying!
• King Syze: I know it's not much, but it's the best I can do,
  My gift is my daughter, and this one's for you.
  Graziela's younger, and she's already wed.
  She got bored of waiting, married Boleti instead

  I hope you don't mind
  I hope you don't mind
  That I gave her away
  You should have come in here,
  They got hitched yesterday

  So excuse me forgetting, but these things I do,
  Azulejo was the best man - they were looking for you
  It would have been better if you'd done as you're told
  And slaughtered those dragons way back, and got me my gold

  I hope you don't mind
  I hope you don't mind
  That I gave her away
  You should have come in here,
  They got hitched yesterday

Enter Graziela, Boleti, Azulejo and Chorus