| A | Celebrity Commentary: the Good, the Bad and the Tasteless. An amusing diversion to enhance appreciation of furcations | 1, 3 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: Stop waffling and just f___in get on with it! | I'm not quite sure how I didn't understand the concept of Celebrity Commentary in my previous move. Anyway, to make it up to Martha Farquar (who was quite dismayed, shall we say), this'll have 2 lots (on the DVD release, not included in special features on VHS). The 'celebrity' part now also comprises the half of previous furcation 3 which isn't now part of Furcation E, namely the tasteless bit: Ozzy Osbourne of course! And the 'commentary' bit, to counteract such forces of evil and darkness, will be provided by Test Match Special. Play on... | Radio 4 Announcer: Well, those of you wishing to continue listening to Insomniac's... sorry, Woman's Hour, that'll now be on FM only. For listeners on long wave, here's Test Match Special. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| B | Drama: Shakey Shakespeare The saga continues; bring on the iambic pentameter! | 2, 4, 8, 10, 12, 16, 18, 22, 24, 28... 30 to follow | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: That's the whole f___in problem with theatre: a bunch of f___in ponces prancin about speakin in words you can't f___in understand! Eh? It's not the only thing to lose the f___in plot though... | [Intermission, during which rab juggles reels of film while penelope and Blob perform the Two Ronnies' Mastermind sketchScene 5 or lessAt Castle Drogo, where a dual wedding ceremony and a coronation have just taken place. All characters are present, and seated at a huge banquet table.Excuse me, for I've swallowèd a fly [Coughs up fly] Ah, there, it clears; I am not going to die! Now I am unaccustomed to such speech, The marriage bed awaits, the curse is dead [Chorus: "Curse is dead!"] Indeed, King Syze hath taken Hymen's vows Le Roi se meurt? Vraiment, le roi se meurt. And also, by coicidence it seems As if by some collective destiny We'd've ockerpied a ranch left ba the King. [sighs] Tha' you'd've married Meediam as well. [shifty eyed look]
Hath taken root in other wand'ring story As if destiny and love were congregating Now let us go disport ourselves with bear baiting! Not like fucking old times; this is living! We've wedding gifts! Best fucking part of being wed Come play with toastrack or this bloody sack instead! [proffers sack marked "OATS"] It's fair to say the testing times are gorne Enjoy it! Don't reflect on such crimes as That murd'rous duel in which I slew Bette Bourne.
For your opinion is not worth a jot! It's not panto! I won't tell you again! [An awkward moment, then enter Chorus. Band strikes up for musical-style finale piece] | Henry Blofeld: You join us here on the final day of this five day drama, plenty of people in fancy dress around, oh look, one chap's come dressed as a bear! How lovely. A full field of well-wishers, ranging from mid-off to deep mid-wicket, with the best man NIT Boleti at backward short leg and bridesmaids at extra cover. Here comes the bride now! And what excellent delivery she has! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| C | Reverse Squeak Piggy Squeak The hills are alive with the sound of squeaking. | 5 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: Sharon! Sharon! The f__in pig's squealin again! | *sound of frantic squeals, probably porcine* | Jonathan Agnew: Some sort of disturbance at the edge of the field... well, someone's let a pig onto the pitch, here come the stewards to deal with it. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| D | Drama: Pinter? What's wrong with combining Pinter and bloody stupid questions? | 6, 13 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: Eh? What the f___? | [exit Barry] | Blowers: Oh look, an aeroplane, our first of the day. A slow-medium aeroplane, coming in from the third man boundary, isn't that fascinating? Sir Viv Richards: Err, haven't they just taken a wicket Henry? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| E | Carpe Spanklines A gruesome hybrid whereby age-old jokes have new punchlines translated from foreign tongues. | 3, 15 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: Why did the chicken cross the road? Je ne sais f___in pas! | Conduct a quiz on legal statutes involving sieves. Well, that'd worry most sheep) | Aggers: ¿Cómo es eso? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| F | Ionesco's Cat The dregs of a previous drama collide head-on with feline nostalgia. | 8, 9 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: Oh f___- GRROOAR!! | Right, this'll show 'em. I've been doing my best recently, I've been shedding my hairs everywhere, especially on the King's spare robes. Oh, and I scratched every last cushion on his throne. Funny, though, none of the people in the castle seem to care any more - and I'm sure I've seen some hair and scratches that weren't mine. And more flies... Still, you can't beat some good old-fashioned midnight yowling. I'll just squat in this corridor and MeeeooooewGRRROOOOAAAARRRR!!!! | Blowers: In comes the bowler, bowls, and... oh that's a lovely shot, placed carefully through the field but with the strength of a bear. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| G | Call My 101 Uses For A Black And Decker Workmate Exactly what it says on the tin. Can you figure out what it's for? | 11, 23 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: As I get older, I find a Black and f___in Decker Workmate id the best f___in way to get the head off of a f___in bat before I can f___in chew it. |
Christopher Martin- Jenkins: I say, I remember down at Sussex one season, the stumps were caught under the heavy roller, totally destroyed. Or at least one would have thought. But this clever lad, you see, Johnny I think his name was, had one of those new-fangled Black and Decker Workmate things, and he was able to straighten them up again! Mind you, Sussex lost. I was most peeved. | | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| H | Sheridian Sound Charades: Late Review | 13, 14 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: Tuj is the worst f___in Sound Charader I've ever f___in seen! He can never f___in guess anything! | [Cut to King Syze, holding a cardboard cut-out of a screen surroud in front of him. The camera pans in slightly, attempting to give the impression we are in fact seeing an image of King Syze on an expensive laser display board] [Cut to Poor John Lovelie as he enters, brandishing a small bowl of custard, from which a low rumbling emanates] | Sir Viv: Yes, well, we had a good time watching a Sheridan play during my last English tour. Still, de language was a little convoluted, no-one talks that way any more, eh Henry? Blowers: Of course not, my dear old thing! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I | Farmyard Film Club A brand new furcation, where the panellists must devise film titles to amuse shepherds, farmhands and the like. But not bears. | * | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: Oh f___in ell, no more animals! | Firstly, the Arnold Schwarzenegger vehicle The Germinator. | CMJ: I say, what a terrible pun! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| J | Describing One Song To The Tune Of Another with the help of a Cartier Bracelet Humph rambles on, but what's that on his wrist? | 7, 20 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: Oh FCUK! | ...as the car in front is a Toyota, and therefore Tune 2a, then the removal of the engine of Volkswagen 1a is analogous to the second, or 'other' tune, as played by Colin Cellnet on his Steinway. Of course, I'm sure you're all now thinking 'Where do Black and Decker Workmates or Jacob's Creek wines come into this?' Instead I'm going to answer the question 'Who removes the engine?' Well, personally I'd take the car to Kwikfit to have this done, mainly as it's next door to the One Stop where I buy my Polo mints and a copy of the Independent anyway. However, maybe you know of a Seat garage by the Safeway's where you get some Carlsberg and the Radio Times, but ideally that's beside the point. Don't forget that the main concept to be grasped is... | Aggers: In comes the bowler, bowls to the new batsman... and he's out! Caught behind! And he's made a golden Toilet Duck! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| K | MC: Eleven Mover You know, there just wasn't enough Mornington Crescent being played here. Here's a little puzzler to keep the die-hard fans in. MC in 11, upon which this furcation is programmed to self-destruct. | * | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: F___ Allbright's opening, what's wrong with f___in Seven Sisters? | Right, I'll set it up as a classic Chalk Farm '84, but with diagonals initially blocked under Najek's Construction so as to reduce the Freem Co-efficient sufficiently. And then Allbright's opening, Totteridge and Whetstone, and home at Goodge Street. | Blowers: I must say I'm not such an aficionado of such limited-overs competitions. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| L | The Oats / Chekhov Interface A disfurcation - previous drama strand #20 with a Cartier Bracelet forcibly removed. | 20 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: I remember arguin with the other Sabbath guys about whether life is as futile as growing f___in oats in a minefield. Nothing I like more than a good f___in bowl of porridge. | [Bert and Graziela embrace] | Blowers: And the ball rolls over the boundary rope, and he has made a hundred! Quite splendid innings! And the crowd, to a man, rise and applaud, like a field of oats in the breeze! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| M | Four Jet Set Bakers Four Words. Two games. One furcation. | 19, 25 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: That's total f___in rubbish! | Back to Bathroom / Hammersmith | Blowers: Splendid! Oh I say! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| N | Late Review Does Just A Minim A response to all those people who saw Germaine Greer's performance in Brendan's move and shouted 'Encore!' | 17 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: It's nice to hear some f___in music for a change. I've had enough of my f___in daughter... sings like a cat in a f___in blender! | [Tom Paulin waves] Mark Lawson: And of course, as he's one of our critics, he has a certain arrogant streak, so he had to find an extremely difficult song. So, with the Barenaked Weasels, the Late Review house band, Tom Paulin will now perform a song called "Yes! Yes!! Yes!!!" by the Barenaked Ladies. Enough is sufficient equals plenty or ample also adequate and abundant's same as necessary again I called your bluff 'cause you think you're so tough Because you can make enemies out of friends I am getting sleepy; I'm in your command Yes! Good!! Fine!!! I understand Indeed! Correct!! OK!!! I comprehend Over and above or higher which is more, also repeated, re-iterated, even recurring anew A fact is a truth or a reality, a certainty, nay an event, even an incident to misunderstand Repetition of suspicion Nearer and closer, less further or far, perhaps adjacent / adjoining to our demise Iteration of misgivings | Aggers: Interesting tactics from the captain here. Many criticise the selection of a relatively unknown song, but he seems to have pulled it off jolly well. Mind you, he's picked a song with triple repetition in the title, strings of six or seven repetitions... it even repeats the word 'repetition'! And of when your technique with the thesaurus is that good you can't really go wrong. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| O | Psycho Haiku Here that knotty question is finally answered: what do you get when you cross Japanese No Theatre with the lyric intensity of Just A Minim? The first letters of this haiku form the first line of another haiku. Not quite fractal complexity, but tricky nonetheless. | 17, 26 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: FFS. FF S, FFS, FFS. FFS. O f___! |
| CMJ: Not a country noted for its cricketing prowess, Japan. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| P | Gazuga-Worshipping Vanilla Gallifrey Crescent I'll explain this slowly. The game we all know and love, with a Gallifrean twist, and then played while worshipping Gazuga. | 21, 29 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: I wish I'd been f___in christened Martha Farquar! | Time to flee from Martha Farquar's trap to a location nearer the interstitial time delay helix, namely Westminster, but Frau Farquar shall feel the wrath of Gazuga soon enough. By the way, are cybermen wild? They are no match for Gazuga's mighty lizard hordes. | Blowers: I say, who is this Gazuga chap? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Q | Kandra Woods Continuing frumitious (and indeed frumtious) verse. | 27 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: I saw a f___in Tharl once. I think I was stoned at the time. Can't f___in remember. | "A Tharl!" he thunked, "In Kandra Woods!" "And ranxing as though in its proods!" So to his nurlsome pack he made To divestile his taunic blade. | Aggers: There's still a long-running debate about the use of Tharls outside the limited-over games, but personally I think it should be allowed. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| R | Maximum High-Speed Reverse Obliterate Ruttsborough's Ostrich "Maximum of 5 moves: starting with the ostrich, lose it. Go!" | * | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: F___in ell! A f___in ostrich on the Tube? This is good f___in stuff! | And after that devastating pincer attack (reminiscent of Projoy himself) I have the ostrich pinned at Homerton. Huzzah! | Blowers: Oh I say, a most excellent ostrich capture, rather reminiscent of Sir Viv Richards! Sir Viv: Of course, de ostriches we used were smaller. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| S | Ever-Decreasing HYPEarthquakes A change of direction, but essentially the same game. | 31 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ozzy Osbourne: Is it my f___in eyes, or are there 32 headlines on this f___in newspaper? |
| Blowers: And that's the last ball of the day. A level match so far? Sir Viv: Even stevens. Blowers: What will the papers tomorrow make of it? Sir Viv: Mountains out of molehills, probably. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
[Shurely 'Congratulations'? -- Ed.]