The results of a night in the bush.

Ahem.

I've heard of a Toilet Duck, but what is a Pantry Chicken?

Ah the Pantry Chicken is that strange little beast that lurks in the larder, but whose existence it is impossible to prove. It is responsible for mysterious crumbs where there used to be cakes. For scuffling, scuttling noises heard on opening the door suddenly. For any strange noises heard through the closed door. And most notably for the fact that eggs - that turn out to be hopelessly addled - turn up in the most unlikely places.
The chicken itself of course is mythical, but it is used to explain any of the above (and many other) inexplicable phenomena involving this store room.

I once overheard an elderly pair of ladies discussing Pimlico pasties - any ideas ?

It's difficult to tell the context from your question, but if the ladies seemed to be the kind of elderly ladies who enjoy their food, then they were probably referring to savoury filled pastry snacks. Pimlico pasties, in particular, are characterised by a generous admixture of horsemeat (Pimlico being a racecourse in Maryland, USA). On the other hand, if the ladies still looked in fine fettle, slim and a little cheeky, they may have been referring to that variation on the glittery stick-on pastie used by strip artistes as a rather vestigial modesty aid - a tip of the hat, if you like, to covering at least one goose pimple - the Pimlico Pastie, made entirely of cellophane.

Stiff Gallop?

I think you misspelt it. A Stiff Gallup is a election/poll/whatever in which all of the choices are equal given the margin of error. So named because it was said that deadlocked votes were the only means of excitement for Mr Gallup.

Tuna Harbour

The semi-mythical Tuna Harbour is a massive 'C'-shaped formation of rocks, just below the surface of the Pacific Ocean, which is possibly the remnants of a long-extinct underwater volcano. As such, the composition of the rocks are such that marine life thrives there, and hordes of tuna descend upon the place daily to feed. Canny Hawaiian fishermen have sussed this out, and are known to make frequent nocturnal trips to Tuna Harbour, where a little effort guarantees great satisfaction.

I heard that a friend of mine was caught polishing the yucca. Is this serious? (And do I win £10?)

Very serious. Though it sounds like simple hanky panky (if you know what I mean), it is, in fact, much more serious. It concerns the fraudulent filling in of email addresses when requested by websites. This may seem pretty innocuous, until you realise what damage is done by perpetuating false email addresses. Think of the vast quantities of important advertising email that is sent to bogus recipients. Think of the plight of African victims of oppression who have several million dollars to move to the West, and can't find anyone trustworthy to help. Think of all the poor devils who need parts of their bodies enlarged, or access to life-saving drugs like Viagra. And think how email-spoofing behaviour is harming all these wonderful enterprises. The name is derived from the unfortunate Yukka Polish Inc, which pre-dated the internet. They send out their adverts in these handy reply-paid inserts that you just love to find in magazines, but to which some twisted pervert of a DJ on The Light Programme of the BBC took an unaccountable dislike. He recommended that listeners fill in the reply with a bogus name and address and send it back. The resulting postage-paid bill would have sunk the company anyway, had not the weight of accumulated mailbags not caused the company HQ (a portakabin) to slide into Portsmouth docks with the loss of all hands.

Try something less vicious, like the Belfast Sandwich

What did I say that stopped the game dead?

Dunno, Gil - I thought it would be cheeky if I posted again so soon on this one!

They say the best things come to those who wait.

Oh. I thought it might have been the double negative in the last sentence.

A Belfast Sandwich refers to any foodstuff which causes highly explosive flatulence - as eloquently expressed in the well known saying, "Those globe artichokes make me fart like a Belfast Sandwich."

While I'm getting my coat, does anyone know what a Tavistock Kevin is?

Oh yes. Kevin Tavistock ("Kevin t' hav' 'is stock"; shown as Tavistock Kevin) is a fake sender name filled in by automatically propagating spamming worms. If you recall the Weebl & Bob episode "Bob Goes To France Part 3", you'll recall that Kevin was a transvestite French stripper that stole Bob's kidneys. The e-mailed name gives reference to that; the contents of the spam are for smuggled organs.

Anyone ever hear this one, popular in Maryland: Frightened pink terrapin ?

[Frightened pink terrapin ] Nope. That's a new one on me. On the other hand, you may have been fooled by the rather broad Maryland accent. Could you have been hearing, instead, "Heightened sink tarpaulin", a device for preventing one's washbasin from being invaded by what the locals, for tourism reasons, like to call "pine bugs", but are, in fact, massive, rapacious, fast reproducing, genetically modified cockroaches with very loud voices.

What's it mean when someone is referred to as a bit of an Andogynous Andrew.

A little confusion here too. An Androgynous Andrew is someone who is readily available for procreation with either sex (eg "he's very 'Andy"). An Anogynous Andrew, however, is an unlicenced form of wholewheat bread*.

What takes Jones'Finger to arrange when in Kent?
* - Made from incorrectly Spelt flour.

Jones' Finger is a Kentish expression for a dibber, a finger-shaped implement for dibbing holes in the soil to plant seeds in.

Isn't a frightened pink terrapin what happens when a gentleman's *ahem* is unable to *ahem*?

What are Curtain Tongs for?

[when a gentleman's *ahem* is unable to *ahem*] ... due to a hairless scrotum, perhaps?

[Andogynous] sorreee - inadequate poof reading.

deliberate error, turkey

Curtain Tongs (the real thing) are used for hanging, taking down and adjusting glassfibre drapes which are magnificently fireproof, but tend to insert fine fibres of, frankly, glass under the fingernails if dealt with by bare hands even in latex gloves. The term is really now the equivalent of "A Bargepole" in the phrase "I wouldn't touch him/her with Curtain Tongs, even before I heard the rumour", and is even reduced to an adjective in some demotic contexts. As in: "Whaddya think of 'er?" "Curtain Tongs, mate. Curtain Tongs."

Phone Bottle

The ability to charm someone's knickers off over the phone, especially when one is invariably tongue-tied and bashful face to face.

Chimney Poker

Any gambling card game conducted in a smoke-filled room (usually with attendant beer, flatulence and bad language)

Modesty Cupboard

Isn't that where one keeps one's face pyjamas?

Greased Lemon

Buttering you toast - someone used this as a sexual reference...and I'm dying to find out what it means...

I believe it involves a greased lemon.

[Raak] righhhttt....

Bit of a messy entry there. Thanks for clearing it up, Raak.

Buttering you (sic) toast. Simply means spreading a sort of emulsion made from the scum that floats to the top of a certain farmyard animal's mammalian secretions onto a scorched slice of material sawed from a block consisting of the ground up tops of certain grasses, a fungoid organism which exhales greenhouse gases, a little fat and ascorbic acid mixed with a little water, which is pounded together, allowed to ferment for a while and then roasted in a hot oven until brown all over. Not terribly romantic, I'm afraid. And you do NOT want to hear what's meant by "bacon, black pudding and eggs"!

Puffed Wheat - Ha! I nearly said "Corn Flakes".

This is an allusion to the story of the three little pigs and the big bad wolf. The first little pig built his house of straw, and the wolf huffed and puffed and blew it away. Hence, to describe an enterprise as puffed wheat is to imply that it has been undertaken with no real effort and no knowledge of what is required and how to carry it out, and will fail at the first test. Cf. Stacked Broomhandles, referring to the second pig's house of sticks, which meets a similar fate, showing that although real effort has been applied, it is wasted without real knowledge; and Stout Brick, referring to the third pig's house built with right effort knowledgeably applied.

Daisy Piercing

'Daisy Piercing' was well known during the 17th and 18th centuries but appears to have fallen into a decline of usage. Whilst it originally had only one meaning it was expanded during it's later use and, eventually, meant two things

A) The art (and it is one) of hanging a cow bell

B) The act of a gigolo - the inference here being that gigolos generally 'date' old cows.

Hello, hello; I seem to have cut off myself. So, and it's something that has always intrigued me and yet something to which I have never had a satisfactory answer; what is a

Kiwi fruit?

Quite simply, I suggest you go into a bar in Invercargill and, clutching your tube of Speights firmly for protection, ask the massed ranks of ram-castrating rugger buggers for a Kiwi Fruit. I can guarantee that you will learn pretty rapidly what it means, and you will probably learn a lot of other new words too.

In the same spirit, I was recently offered a Cornish Pasting, but had no time to spare and was forced to make my excuses. Would I have needed to bring my own wallpaper?

No, this is simply the process of tenderising meat in the preparation of a Cornish pasty. The word is also applied to the meat after it has been so treated. Some aficionados of meat products enjoy eating a Cornish pasting without the pastry of a pasty around it, and clearly this is what you were being offered. However, it can be an acquired taste as the meat hasn't yet been cooked.

Recently I heard an answerphone message in which the callee claimed to be busy Gluing the Green Envelope. What was really going on?

Darren, this is a political term. When those standing for a particular constituency do their junk mail distribution they have three distinct tasks. Firstly, the 'blues', who are virtually guaranteed to vote for 'the party', the 'reds', who are not, and the 'greens' who are most likely undecided (as opposed to being 'greenies'.) So, 'Gluing the Green Envelope' actually means sucking up to someone you don't know with the intent of influencing them to your way of thought.

Now, a young lady asked me this the other day and I was at a loss for words - in fact I was flabbergasted as I hadn't put the hard word at that time; help me please, what is a Dirty Line

One on which you cannot get a clean signal, meant either literally or metaphorically. A young lady so au fait with hacker slang sounds a valuable catch.

What goes on in the purple light district?

Very much the same as goes on in a red light district, but with additional farm animals. Mind your feet when you visit, and do not be surprised if you see a good-looking ewe in a shop window.

Paper CD?

And I hope you noticed that I said nothing at all about Welshmen or welly boots in that entry about purple light districts. Oh, bugger, I just pressed "Submit" by mistake....

A paper CD is an item of clothing (if it may be termed clothing) for suntanning the genitals, consisting of a circle of reflective paper with a circular hole cut concentrically in it. To wear the paper CD, you simply stick your (cough cough) through the hole, go sunbathing wearing nothing else. The sun's rays are concentrated on the key area producing a pronounced tanning effect. Just be careful you don't burn.

What about a dog-end brusher?

Originally a specialised tool for the removal of ordure from the smelly end of long-haired dogs and cats, it is now applied to any person with a truly distressingly repulsive job, such as teaching schoolchildren or telephone sales.

Welsh Stripper

This is blindingly obvious really. Everybody has heard of a Welsh Dresser, that substantial and robust decorative pine display unit which leans precariously against the wall in a kitchen, or indeed sitting room, in some cases dining room, and rarely, a posh entrance hall [pause for breath] - which has shelves and in some instances, little nooks and crannies, etc. Well, most folk proudly display their knick-knacks or amusingly-shaped teapots on these shelves, in order to attract a compliment or two from a passing guest. In short, they 'dress' the shelves. A Welsh Stripper, quite simply, is someone who UNdresses these shelves.

Oh, and while we're on the subject of egg-cups with cute little legs, my Auntie from Clitheroe has threatened to bequeath to me her precious collection of Oily Leathers and I'm shuddering in anticipation, nay - ignorance. Any ideas?

These are simply a form of home-made preserve. To be more precise, oily leathers are a type of marmalade where the "bits" in the marmalade are entire fruit skins. The name comes from the appearance and texture of these skins. Oily leathers are considered something of a delicacy, and are surprisingly hard to make (at least, such that the end product is edible). Futhermore, as they are an acquired taste, I advise you to approach them with caution.

Meanwhile, what's a tablet contestant?

One who takes an aide-memoire to consult in any potentially complex situation, such as being in bed with someone.

Just what are lucubrations, really? Especially epistolary ones.

I must admit that this took a while to come back to mind, but it finally did! If you ever went to Sunday school I am quite sure that this will ring a bell. epistolary lucubrations is the raw fear experienced by those of little faith when asked to quote a text from the letters of the apostles - it seems (for some as yet unexplained reason) to be more severe should that citation be sourced from the book of Luke.

Now, I came across this the other day and, says he hiding his head in shame, do not know what it means; we all know what "a penny for your thoughts" means, but what about "A quid for your pro"? Surely nothing to do with ladies of the night - or is it?

This was an early attempt by the World Health Organisation to stop mosquito bites by jamming their proboscis with a concoction of chewing tobacco and DDT. The "quid" in question proved very popular with the insect fraternity and when sprayed in the area was rapidly sucked up the proboscis(or Pro) however they used the human population as a mobile spittoon and the resultant spotty complexion resulted in wasting millions of pounds of a false measles epidemic.

During my wasted years in the local library I borrowed a book about nutty seepage which I lost after page six whilst the expedition was still being organised. What happened and what was it?

A hazard of testicle piercing.

What is a lizard shiner?

Aussie term for one who wrestles crocodiles for the amusement of tourists.

Namibian Knot

Something I'd rather not know to do with circumcision rituals.

Is this now a Moribund Entertainment?

By that, do you mean
a Norwegian Blue?

A Norweign Blue and a moribund entertainment are referring to the activity but as seen from across the gender divide.
A norweign blue was a prank developed by the female students of Oslo University. During rag week they stood by traffic lights in the buff, when the front cars stoppped male drivers were then offered a bucket of cold water, a soapy sponge and 30 seconds to rub the student down.
What Raak refered to is the jealous wives in the passenger seat death like, arms folded and grim ashen faced not looking.

My brother who is more widely travelled is rumoured to have had a great time with a Swindon plank is this possible?

Only if one is into necrophilia.

Someone I met in a bar urged me to Repurpose my assets. I backed away slowly -- did I do the right thing?

I think it is highly likely that you did precisely the right thing. It's a a gay chatup line.

Years ago I was offered a Rum Baba. I had no idea how to conceal my awful ignorance.

A Rum Baba, at least if you come from Wales, New Zealand or Australia, is a strange (read very strange) sheep. Whilst we are on the subject of strange phrases, I was up the local shops the other day and one of the proprietors mentiond a Virtual Ending. Did I hear this correctly, or is there something that I am missing?

You're not missing anything, although someone else may be. A Virtual Ending is when two people in bed together amicably decide, for whatever reason, that it's not going to work, and just have a snuggle instead.

I recently heard a birdwatcher mention sighting a Trunnion's Warbler. It's not listed in any reference book I've looked at. What is it?

Twitchers' slang originally for a magpie, now applied to any common bird. An amateur birdwatcher called Goately Trunnion famously excited the ornithological world with reports of a pair of Pied Blue-winged Azalea Warblers (thought to be extinct) in his Wimbledon garden. They turned out to be magpies, to Trunnion's eternal shame.

Brighton Snack?

A Brighton Snack is a posh name for a visit to the Massage Parlour.

Gammon Ears

I've come across the word "spotty" in some British literature. At times it seems to mean "pimply-faced" but other times something closer to "cowardly." Is this Brit slang? What is the etymology - anything to do with smallpox?

If, despite being generally quick on the uptake, you unexpectedly commit a social faux pas because you have competely misunderstood something, you can be said to have "gammon ears". An example might be mistaking a foolish word game for a genuine etymological discussion. (I have never heard of "spotty" meaning "cowardly" though.)

Someone once complimented me on my Cat's toenails. Should I be offended?

On the contrary. The phrase 'Cat's Toenails' ranks highly in the Idiomatic Chart, just below 'the Bee's Knees' if I recall, and considerably higher than 'the Dog's Bollocks'.

Talking of which, I am experiencing some bonding difficulties with my boyfriend's schnauzer. A West Byfleet Purfling Cobnut has been recommended but must confess to being too embarrassed to purchase one. Should I be?

West Byfleet Purfling Cobnuts are "Cobnuts" made by Purfling Ltd, a veterinarian toy manufacturer based in West Byfleet. Cobnuts are very much like scented doughnuts that can be hung from your belt. If you do this, your boyfriend's schnauzer will be your friend for life. The downside is that you will have to put up with smelling like a dog's arse.

I recently won a raffle. Someone referred to me as a Poncho Flinger. At the time I thought it was a complement...?

One who pretends never to have won anything, never to enter competitions or lotteries, but regularly receives prizes. My mother was one such. The expression derives from the habits of Poncho-brandishing Mexican entrepreneur Don Garcia Alfonso Alhambra, the founder of the Alhambra cinema chain, who ran well-publicised weekly raffles in his cinemas but always won the raffles himself under various assumed names.

Pencil Sharpener

Circumcision knife.

Black & Decker

. . . is the name of the duo recently formed by celebrity redheads Cilla Black [of Liverpewl] and Carol Decker [of T'Pau]. Their debut rap single, produced and mixed by DJ Workmate, will be released in time for the Christmas season and will be titled 'Screw you - bosch bosch'.

On a recent caravan holiday, I was offered Camping Gaz. As it was my last day, I demurred. Was I wise?

[Chalky] You sure that wasn't Camping Gazza, a time-wasting caravan game where people do combination impressions of two famous people? So named for the first one attempted -- Lionel Blair + Paul Gascoigne.

What about chippolata slogging?

A reduced form of the game Hide the Salami (qv)

Aberdeen Galloper?

This term refers to someone who enjoys riding horses wearing only a kilt to protect their modesty. Saddles for Aberdeen Galloping are usually covered in metal studs, and Gallopers usually whip themselves while they are riding while screaming, "Oh yes!" in high-pitched squeals.

In the United States, an Aberdeen Galloper more usually refers to someone who has participated in the annual race between all three Aberdeens, in Washington, South Dakota and Maryland. No form of motor transport may be used during this race - any violations of this rule lead to being summarily shot by the race officials.

In the meantime, what is a meaty palm?

One which is holding a salami.

Who goes nogging the nog, and why?

The reason, Raak, that no-one has bothered to reply to your "Who goes nogging the nog" entry is that the answer is so obvious that we cannot bring ourselves to utter it.

Moving swiftly on... I used to think that Revolving Door was rhyming slang, but could never conceive of a rhyme that fit the context in which the expression was (with rolling eyes and nudges) used. Now I'm not so sure...

Hmmm - your secondary instincts may be spot-on . . . only because a 'revolving door' is an alternative [rhyming slang] yet polite way of describing a 'Roger' [bruising nudges, grossly exaggerated winks and embarrassing stretchy mouthshape] short for 'Roger Moore' - he of the questionable raised eyebrow and much else besides.

OK. What about this weight-lifting mallarkey then? I am told that a Clean and Jerk technique is desirable if one wishes to go from strength to strength?

Yes, "clean and jerk" is now a weightlifting term (to lift and successfully support the weights are two different levels -- one at shoulder-height, or the "clean", the other with arms straight above the head, the "jerk"), but it came from the original weightlifters -- Eastern European immigrant women to the US. They often had 10 or more children in the fambly (accent declared), and as such the laundry load was wont to be 100lbs or greater, so the mother had to do a similar technique to carry it.

The reverse term could also apply to the fathers after the 5th or 6th kid....

I was having a drink with a few friends from Physics when one of them pointed to a nice-looking girl, but said "he once gave her out for hitting the ball twice." Was I right in choosing to avoid her then?

Yes "hitting the ball twice " is a reference to somebody who when first met was fantastically beautiful and well turned out but after a couple of dates turns into a smelly unkempt wretched figure who you wouldn't look twice at. The phrase originates from the story of Cinderella who arrived at the ball looking like a princess but by the time she left had already lost a shoe and arrived home looking like a tramp, one can only imagine what a subsequent trip to the ball would have resulted in.

Moisten the sand and old Bedouin saying but what was it about?

Before we stray too far (because then it will cease to be funny), from the subject of female weightlifters, the 'clean and jerk' is, of course, not the only discipline. It was reported, perhaps apocriphally, that an Olympic T.V. commentator had once described a Bulgarian girl as having a 'world-class snatch'.

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To 'Moisten the sand' could well refer to the Bedoiun behaviour of staggering out of the Camel and Scimitar at chucking-out time and finding no taxis of the desert waiting, chooses to relieve himself behind the bus-stop at the nearest oasis.

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I was somewhat perterbed the other day to hear something or other described as 'like throwing a Woodbine up Broad St' What do you think they were talking about?

Broad Street is a street in the middle of Oxford, and is indeed broad. The phrase refers the traditional May Day festival held there, which would commence at dawn with a competition to see who could throw a bunch of fragrant woodbine herbs up Broad Street the farthest. This would be followed by a race to sweep the resulting pile of woodbine all the way along the street. In the days of horse-drawn transport, this also served a useful function in cleaning and deodorising the road of unwelcome material. So metaphorically, throwing a woodbine up Broad Street means any way of transforming a necessary chore into a joyful activity. Try dropping this phrase into your next management meeting: "Let's throw a woodbine up Broad Street on this one and see where it drops."

What are hot boots and cold boots?