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... so help me God.
help
I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...
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In a departure from normal tradition, I am having my ashes cast into the winds from the peak of Cader Idris prior to being cremated.
Ludwig van Beethoven suffered from a particularly bad case of gall stones, brought about by his habit of consuming a whole rockery each lunchtime.
This lie is brought to you in stereoscope. View it through the special glasses and it will take on a 3-D aspect. This lie is brought to you in stereoscope. View it through the special glasses and it will take on a 3-D aspect.
(Repetition commands aspect.)
Due to an obscure clause in extant colonial law, my aunt is giong to be buried in clarified butter.
My Aunt's name is "Pat".
Itis forbidden to scintillate in a built up area on a Monday, provided there are three churches of separate denominations within a radius of 100 furlongs.
Since the late 1960s, many people have preferred the fidelity of stereosodium glutamate.
[Thos] I know I do.
Hitting my sisters and going "Bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother (etc)" in a high-pitched Hampstead squeak brings me no joy in life.
monosodium glutamate hasn't.
Have you ever wondered what your guinea pigs do while you are away at work? Ruth Maddock has the answer!
There are only about three hundred authentic humans left on the planet. All the others are actually aliens pretending to be human, each of whom thinks they're the only one. That's the trouble with tourists, they destroy everything they touch.
Damn you, Gnnxgu!
Tragically, King Midas was actually allergic to gold.
As this is post number 3,594,588,409,425, I qualify for a free choice from the sweet-trolley and the undivided attention of Natalie Imbruglia.
Natalie Imbruglia recently married Des Lynam.
It is not galling to risk life and limb in the middle of the night by walking through Birmingham to buy fruit and finding on arrival that the 24-hour Tesco Express is closed for renovation. Oh no. When one is having a fruit crisis, this is very amusing, in fact.
I got it wrong - my previous post was number 3,594,588,409,422. I'd included two impostors and a simulpost. This is post 3,594,588,409,425, but as I've posted twice in the last four moves it means I only qualify for a bag of pork scratchings and a rub-down by Phil Jupitus in dress.
[Btd] I'd like to see that.
I wear Gor'blimey trousers and live in a council flat.
Gor'blimey trousers are made of lime.
Gor'blimey running shorts are made of quicklime.
Gor'blimey plumbers overalls are made of limescale.
Limes can not only be grown in the underpants and all down the legs, as is traditional, but also in the armpits and, if you're careful, between the teeth.
You can shave with the pith of a lime.
Lyme Regis is the only town to have erected over 17 statues of Marianne Faithfull. These are all in the town centre facing North. Barnsley has 13 statues of her, and is applying for European Funding in order to build another 10 in order to take the title "Most Faithfull Town In Britain".
Waxworks suffer very badly from runny noses in the Summer.
It is possible to recreate the Boer War with just a syringe and a pair of j-cloths.
If you can catch a ball with one hand, the chances are you can also compose The Messiah.
Your success at weight loss is inversely proportional to the number of yellow things in your house.
If everybody pointed at their location on a map simultaneously, the whole world would explode.
If everyone pointed at Luton simultaneously, Guatemala would cease to exist.
I am pointing at Luton right now, as I do every night at this hour.
Rice Crispies hold the eternal secrets to life.
Anadin never made anybody hyper.
Her Majesty the Queen had a surprise Christmas hit with the song "Easy Tiger" in 1952, although this record has sadly been forgotten. I found a copy of it in a vintage music store last Easter and plan to release a garage re-mix version next Monday. I at least guarantee that it will be better than "Mysterious Girl".
Sergei Prokofiev taught sewing, until he discovered how to compose music whilst humming along to very boring silent movies during the First World War, when there was a shortage of cinema pianists in Russia.
When taken as a suppository, strawberries have been found to cure gout.
Tigers prefer mango biscuits.
Tragically, Tony the Tiger is a diabetic.
"The Twelve Days of Christmas" is actually a skit written by a sarcastic bailiff.
Grapes think they're sooooo clever...
The Emperor Caligula made fairycakes and bred kittens, two special talents which he passed on to his nephew, Nero. Nero was very fond of ballet.
Greece is a myth invented by the Chinese.
Teatowels soaked in balsamic vinegar have been known to bring the deceased back to life.
Angora rabbits are actually sheep bred on wheatgrass, fabric softener and Daz.
Cabbage are a dying art. Each one is meticulously hand-crafted by 20 specially trained octopi, which is why they are such a delicacy in Bulgaria.
My hat, it has three corners. Hence it being my hat.
LaToya Jackson plans to be the first human being to circumnavigate the earth strapped to the blades of a helicopter.
The real Graham Norton is living as a nun somewhere in the depths of Walthamstow. Bizarrely, so are at least eight fake ones.
Contrary to popular belief, Jaffa Cakes are the windows to the soul.
Ironically, the largest growth industry in Tel Aviv is a line of Christian bookshops.
Not surprisingly, a Christian bookshop has opened up on the grave of Benjamin Disraeli.
Those of the Jewish faith are flocking to watch Mel Gibson's latest film and are praising its realism and the manner in which it follows their basic beliefs. The Pope, on the other hand, said something which sounded like "Bluesheets", which one can only assume relates to Jesus' shroud.
Isreal is thinking of changing its name to Unreal and Palestine to Palestein.
Palestine was originally going to be called Palpatine, because they wanted to be able to shoot lightning from their fingertips, which would have been very cool.
Israel is changing its name to Laser-I and is going to become the largest optical surgery unit in the world.
Israel has found a new deity to worship and is changing its name to reflect this. Henceforth it will be known as Ra Isle.
Following the recent updating of homosexuality laws in various parts of Africa, many more merry men will now be saying Hello Sailer! (Deliberate bad spelling invoked)
Feng Shoe is the gentle Chinese art of bringing balance into your life by rearranging the bottom of the wardrobe.
Daleks get a frisson of pleasure if you say words like 'emphasise', 'portability', 'standardisation', 'correctness', 'proactive', 'security' and 'integrated-cryptography'. Daleks may self destruct if you use phrases such as 'binary emulation', 'multi-platforms' and 'UNIX-like operating systems'.
[Btd] </lie> Wouldn't that work best if applied to middle managers? <lie>
It is mathematically impossible to prove that butternut squash can exist in the same universe as leeks.
As a safety measure, all new space rockets must henceforth be fitted with stabilisers.
Soup is prone to hypochondria.
Bread rolls generally only suffer from hysteria, however.
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