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... so help me God.
help
I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...
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The stock market is a lie. If a billion shares are sold, then a billion must also be bought. Therefore, the Dow Jones is just a fantasy perpetrated by gamblers in Las Vegas who bet on the activities of the gullable public.
The gullable public are those persons who take bits of bread to the seaside and then feed the local birds in order to get the latest mews.
[carbonated pork drink] </lie> Jones Soda (a U.S. brand, dunno if you can get it in the U.K.) put out a Turkey & Gravy flavor for Thanksgiving. Not unexpectedly, it's pretty awful. <lie>
I'm busy, busy, busy as a bee, bee, bee.
I love driving to work in the snow, especially before the sun comes up. It's what I do to relax. When I'm stuck in a ditch, I'm at peace with the world.
I have grown my own house out of mushrooms and am going to spend my retirement living there and eating it, with the bathroom last.
After I went on the Adkins diet, I built a house out of the contents of pasta boxes in my cupboard.
I once crafted a 1:1 scale model of the Eiffel Tower entirely out of toothpicks, but a big bad wolf came and blew it down.
I've got a full-scale portrait of Herve Villechaize tattooed on my back.
I'm not too happy about the government’s 'Five-a-day' campaign. I can only just manage twice, and then I need a cup of malted milk and two hours rest in between.
I have absolutely no difficulty in sticking to the five-a-day programme. I can drink up to a pint of juice by myself in just a few hours.
I've had no problem since they redesignated Guinness as a fruit.
A whole bottle of syrup of figs counts as one of your five-a-day
Although most people think of tomatoes as a vegetable, they are actually a sort of weasel.
I eat five grapes a day, then go out for pizza.
I eat five pizzas a day and then go out for grapes.
I take five days to eat a pizza and grapes are out of the question.
It might be my age (well matured by the cask) but in my case gropes are totally out of the question.
Santas workshop has been closed down under elfin safety legislation.
Apparently Santa has a little sideline in quality venison.
Children who've been naughty get coke. Neat, huh?
Diluted, usually.
After their recent merger, Santa Incorporated has requested that all wish-lists be filed in triplicate, no later than November first. Shipping will be provided by FedEx.
He's been merged with the National Elf Service
Santa is thinking of relocating the operation. It seems that the business world is changing and he needs to have a presence in several different countries. The elves have threatened to strike, believing that it's just a plot to keep them from forming a union.
I take all my grievances to a trade onion. It helps me cry and get over them.
I used to be a member of a union, but I traded my membership for a Skoda and the daughter of a Finnish diplomat.
Roger Hargreaves has recently published his first Gothic horror novel, Doctor Jekyll and Mr Uppity.
I see they made a film of The Talented Mr Mischief.
Mr Daydream is now running ITV.
Reality is a figment of your imagination, and I have no imagination at all,or so Miss Wilson used to tell me?
Colours are just a pigment of your imagination.
They also made Mr Strong goes to Washington
Driving Miss Tickle is widely credited with being the inspiration behind JG Ballard's Crash. Both films feature a large number of RTAs; in the former because Miss Tickle can't stop tickling her chauffeur. JG Ballard develops an altogether more adult theme for his short novel.
In Mr Topsy-Turvey the Mr men and little Miss Characters sing a collection of songs by Gilbert O'Sullivan.
They call me Mr Bump was the first blaxploitation movie to star Michael Crawford.
Reservoir Mister Men featured the now-famous scene where Mr Tickle tickles the ear off his prisoner.
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