Then I was Donny Osmond's tour manager for a while a few years back, but I got arrested for making puppy love. ([AP] His educational career began, interestingly enough, in agricultural school, where he majored in animal husbandry, until they caught him at it one day)
[DrQ] I once shot a man by mistake, believing him to be a large, flesh-coloured squirrel. < /l i e>Was someone going to make a separate game for the Job Pun thing? I thought I read that somewhere.
Party Wimple is the ultimate knitted tube that fits over your head, and is guaranteed to give your soirées a sprinkling of ultra-modernity. It will keep your guests entertained and yet is also great for kitchen chores - no loose ends to dangle in the washing up.
Somewhere in Edinburgh is a gang of "Legitimate Businessmen" plotting slow and stealthy infiltration of the British Royal Family. They are armed only with wit, cunning and copious amounts of peanut butter. Could this be another case for undercover agent, Ignatius, Super-Weevil?
David Arse is a full-time children’s' entertainer known as the Juggler for Jesus. He has been a professional juggler for 59 years and has developed a program that uses juggling, fire-eating, and nude audience participation to share God's Word in a memorable way. If you are planning a youth meeting, worship service, Sunday school class, outreach, festival, luncheon, dinner, banquet, or even a satanic mass, David can provide a program to make the occasion instantly forgettable.
Austria is the world's largest importer of licorice allsorts -- in 2002 alone, enough of them were shipped to Austria to provide over 600 kilograms of the candies to every man, woman, and child living there. Noone knows what is done with them; it is the nation's most carefully-guarded secret.
Scientists have discovered that if you place certain Impressionist paintings in your garden, then garden pests are attracted to them. Said one scientist, "Monet is the route of all weevils".
Contrary to popular belief, it takes more than two to tango. The rugby scrum evolved from an erotic tango originally danced by two women of the night (or 'hookers'), each supported by their 'pack' of seven supporters.
An infinite number of monkeys with typewriters will eventually produce the complete works of Shakespeare, likewise 3 pigeons, a copy of Miscrosoft Word, and the Radio Script Wizard (TM) produce all the scripts for "The Archers".
The Parkway East in Pittsburgh, much like the M25, is a marvel of modern transportation and drivers should slow down to 15MPH to sufficiently take in its beauty and efficiency.
Everyone over 75 in the UK really understands decimal currency, and the Europeans invented the single currency in the hope that it would eventually reach Britain and confuse all the pensioners.
If Little Bo Peep leaves her sheep alone, they will come home, wagging their tales behind them, and will not be savaged by dogs or rounded up by government officials.
Miss Muffet has been undergoing counseling for her arachophobia. It's been some success, but she still does not like spiders to sit down beside her. She's also off whey.
The visual and anecdotal evidence in Mrs Jack Sprat's case clearly indicated an early diagnosis of Hyperlipidemia, possibly genetic, but more likely environmental, with all the attendant classic risk factors (arteriosclerosis, thrombosis, diabetes, stroke etc). Initial treatments recommended: folic acid (to reduce Homocysteine levels), lifestyle changes (more exercise), treatment with HMG-CoA reductase inhibitors (to be carefully monitored) and divorce.
Kim's unequivocal evidence shows that nursery rhymes should be banned from all schools, shopping centres, libraries and pubs which serve children. O'ill 'ave moin in ba'er, Guv!
"Hey diddle diddle" was actually penned by William Shakespeare at the age of 17. In Tudor times, the pornographic content of this ditty was considered so great that he was banned from 10 different counties, and was a great court favourite.
A loaf of bread strike has just begun in Derbyshire, with all members of the Loaves, Bloomers and Rolls Union downing crumbs and walking out of breadbins to join sad, defenceless and rather short-lived picket lines on a main road in Matlock.
Catnip was invented by time travelling mice in the year 3416 and was inserted into the timeline as a practical joke on their archrivals the cats. Unfortunately the joke backfired when lack of evolutionary pressure from the stoned cats no longer chasing mice meant that mice never developed opposable thumbs or intelligence.
Actually, electricity is caused by tiny hamsters running very very fast. Fuses therefore consist of tiny bridges - if too many hamsters try to cross the bridge at any one time, the bridge breaks and no current flows.
The stock market is a lie. If a billion shares are sold, then a billion must also be bought. Therefore, the Dow Jones is just a fantasy perpetrated by gamblers in Las Vegas who bet on the activities of the gullable public.
[carbonated pork drink] </lie> Jones Soda (a U.S. brand, dunno if you can get it in the U.K.) put out a Turkey & Gravy flavor for Thanksgiving. Not unexpectedly, it's pretty awful. <lie>
I love driving to work in the snow, especially before the sun comes up. It's what I do to relax. When I'm stuck in a ditch, I'm at peace with the world.
I'm not too happy about the government’s 'Five-a-day' campaign. I can only just manage twice, and then I need a cup of malted milk and two hours rest in between.