mc5 - ... so help me God.

Dunx

I made cuddly toys for a little while, but I stuffed it up.

plump

I used to work in a chemist before they dispensed with my services.

barbacoa

A year ago I couldn't spell educated. Now I are it.

Dunx

I used to shear sheep, but then I was fleeced.

LotUS

I used to survey cul-de-sacs until I realised it was a dead end job.

Zooological Keeper

I used to work in a pyschological testing laboratory, but I wanted to get out of the rat race.

DrQu+xum

I used to have a lounge act singing Frank Sinatra songs, but when the Summer Wind came along I looked for something else to doobie-doobie-do.

Zooological Keeper

I tried to move from choir conducting to bus conducting but it didn't quite work out and in the end I had to go back to my old job and face the music.

DrQu+xum

I used to be a male escort, but I was laid off.
Afterwards, I tried to be a plumber, but that went down the crapper as well.

penelope

I used to be a telephonist, but I got transferred.

Zooological Keeper

I used to be a virus checker but &^£%__$£G B*%&GK UY&%&PGG JH*& (&^^& %&) ?:@~{KJJGF DFSQD!£ ¬"?>LJZ ||~LIU ITU.

Bob the dog

I used to be the speaking clock, until the management gave me a hard time.

Zooological Keeper

I was almost given the lead part in Castaway, but they said that I was washed up. I mistook this for an insult and turned it down.

Angus Prune

i uused too bee a prove reeder.

Angus Prune

I used to be a dermatologist, but I got itchy feet

Fat German

I'm a national tree surgeon. I have branches everywhere.

Tina

I loved my job in the neon light factory. It was a gas!

Boolbar

I used to work at a funeral palour until I was sacked for being late.

Boolbar

I used to pluck ducks but the job got me down.

Chalky

It have been looking in here every day recently. My brother and his friends didn't circulate some emails last year with some excessively clean and unfunny job description puns and I'm not at all tempted to post them in here. They simply aren't rude enough.

Fat German

I actually became a tree surgeon due to a flash of inspiration - I was leafing through the job adverts when suddenly I twigged.

snorgle

I used to be a p0rn star, but I couldn't keep it up. I tried to go into menswear sales but was told I was unsuited.

Fat German

To reach my tree surgery helpline, dial a trunk call.

Zooological Keeper

I can't. I'm a failed plumber, and all my calls are tapped.

Kim

I used to be a professional masturbator, but I just couldn't hold my own.

Chalky

I had to give up my rôle of Agony Aunt. I had a low threshold of pain.

penelope

It's no good trying to contact me when I'm at work. Since I started this job as a professional hangman, all my callers have hung up on me.

Fat German

[ZK] Doesn't matter, I'm not very good, you'd have to be barking to call me.

Zooological Keeper

I'd have to be a bit of a sap, then? Do you reckon you need counselling? Don't give up too soon and leave - your problems are probably deeply rooted. I know an excellent Tree Surgeon therapist, Den Dron.

Tina

I quit my job in the synthetic rubber plant, when my first pay cheque bounced.

Tina

I used to have a job performing ultrasounds on expectant mothers to determine the sex of their babies. For some reason, the mothers never seemed happy with my work. I don't know what those women were expecting!

Tina

I too apprenticed as a plumber, but my career went down the drain.

Dunx

I tried to work as a plumber, but I didn't want to faucet.

Dujon

Amazing: so did I - I was hopeless though and, inevitably and not unexpectedly, they gave me the elbow.

Dujon

I used to market sporting equipment to the hockey community. When I approached the football authorities for a similar position they gave me the boot: they claimed I had unrealistic goals.