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Give quotes that suggests the person would be better seeking more suitable employment.
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Before you taste this wonderful vintage sir, there is just the matter of the health and safety risk assessment questionnaire just a formality, only take ten minutes of your time. Now is sir left or right handed?
It's from somewhere in Germany.
Hang on, let me guess... is it red?
Certainly. And would you like a glass or a straw?
You can tell a lot from the label, sir. For example, this one says 'Tesco 2.99', well, that's frankly piss.
Another inside tip, sir - the second-cheapest wine on the menu always gives the best value for money.
The best vintages can be found in TetraPakTM boxes.
"Catch!"
Personally, I'd rather have a pint.
It's called Chateau Lafite because it smells of feet.
Of course, the best wines come from the North East of England.
Of course, drinking alcohol means you go straight to hell, but if you must, why not have the very best and make it worth being drowned in boiling oil for countless aeons?
Igor, fetch the BIG corkscrew! *leer*
Struggling to choose? Tell us your options and we can mix them all up together.
Bottle or draught?
Water or ice?
Rare or Well Done?
The vintage? Wednesday, I think. Hang on, I'll check the box.
It's made from grapes, isn't it?
It's good for a gargle.
It is sweetened with the very best antifreeze.
Shall I be mother?
Swallow a mouthful, wait five minutes, then pee in the bucket. If the pee has the same bouquet as the wine, your kidneys aren't working.
If you want to impress your companion you need to order a wine at least three times as expensive at that one.
If Sir doesn't make his bleedin' mind up, Sir will find a corkscrew has numerous uses.
I have to say that this Champagne goes particularly well with a pack of Mentoes.
The best thing for removing red wine stains, sir, is somellier urine.
Oops! that should be *sommelier*
Of course the French praise their wine. Anything tastes good after eating that much garlic.
May I suggest a new occupation to target? A relationship counsellor
If I were you I'd dump the bastard.
Huh! You think you've got problems?
Come straight in, and sit down please. No talking. Face the front, I said No Talking! it's no good looking at me like that me laddie, me boy, I saw that, right! arms folded both of you. Now!
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