Is everyone here for the editorial meeting? Ok, good. Heavy news week this week, so only the best stories are going to get space. We'll start with Cheddar Headlines. Ten words max, and the headline can be self-explanatory as in 'The Independent', or horrendously convoluted, as in, erm, The Cheesy Headline Game. Once the headline is finished, I'd like a few words containing the story in a news style, please. Subs, clear your desks, and let's get the presses rolling. Spike it once we reach the usual back page move.
Calvin Klein's new scent, Unction For Men, was today blamed for one of the worst derailments in history. A small group of unmarried vestal virgins, escaping a plane load of sex-mad car mechanics from Canada, had gathered together on platform 8 at Birmingham New Street station to perform an experiment. Their aim was to mask their scent through the excessive use of Unction, thus covering their tracks. Sadly, they covered the wrong tracks... Observers said they used far too much perfume, thus creating a small flood which soon coated the rails in a slimy residue. As a result a Virgin train derailed in such an extravagent fashion that passengers were spread across a six mile radius.
The Church of England Times: In a sermon last Sunday, the Rev. Wibley of Deeping St. Mary-in-the-Fields criticised Mornington Crescent as "pointless". "I don't believe there are really any rules to the games these people play," he said, "and visiting the station itself is just an unhealthy excuse to spend all afternoon in a pub. What shall it profit a man if he half-twist to Lancaster Gate, yet lose his own soul?"
In a bizarre series of events Parliament was cleared yesterday afternoon by the Speaker as he had been warned by security staff that a terrorist attack had been launched. All parlimentarians retired to the Members dining room where an imprumptu high tea was served by overworked catering staff. Meanwhile, security forces swept the House searching for terrorist devices. As Members sipped tea and munched scones and jam it was reported that trained suicide marmosets with rucksacks had been discovered hiding under the front benches. They were destroyed in a controlled explosion in Parliament Square by members of the bomb squad. A Cabinet spokesman said: "These Al Queda chappies will have to get up earlier in the morning if they think they can make monkies out of us."
Following the recent terrorist attacks against bathroom installations, engineers responsible for dealing with sewerage have unanimously elected to crap themselves against union rules. "I know the regulations stipulate that we should crap into the toilets, but since the toilets have started blowing up, we've decided it's much safer to crap into our own pants."
A government spokesman responded, "We understand the workers' concerns, but we do not believe the pants are able to take this much load, and intend to launch a full public enquiry into their contents."
Full-colour pictures on pages 10, 12-15 and 30-105. Ask your newsagent for your free Scratch-n-Sniff card!
Angora farmers have found themselves in the crosshairs of a radical [*redundancy noted*] branch of PETA who call themselves 'The Coat Hooks' who claim the animals are not being properly clothed after being sheared and suffer irreparably due to their prolonged nakedness. "It is indecent!" said Mildred Mocks, spokeswoman for the group. "At least allow me to cover their coddles with a fox skin or my priceless mink stole."
In other news, a Devonshire man has been served to appear in court by order of the Department of Transportation [DOT] for collection of back revenue, in a suit challenging that one Mr. Bartholomew Bundy over a noticable period has been operating in the capacity of a motor vehicle without the acquisition of the proper tag in that he has used the turnpike to transport his sheep to the shearer's and then back to the fold again on foot while carrying the said animal on his shoulders. On Sunday, October 2nd, Mr. Bundy was detained and questioned as he attempted to bypass an agricultural weigh point [carrying a woolly Dorset on his back] without pulling onto the scales for the customary inspection. "This is no animal I am hauling," protested Mr. Bundy, "but a wool fleece I am wearing. For I am a pedestrian using the thoroughfare as is my native right." Unable to disprove his claim the inspections agent let him continue. Some short while later, Mr. Bundy again passed the weigh station walking in the opposite direction carrying what appeared to be a sheared Dorset. "I assure you," said Mr. Bundy, "this is not the same fleece, but a smooth one I have exchanged the former one for, as the weather is humid and the woolly fleece proved too insulatory." The jig was up, however, when the fleece jacket jumped from his shoulder and retreated into the center of the roadway where it halted traffic for hours by refusing to move aside. The DOT seeks an unspecified amount in unpaid highway taxes and tag revenue as per fines and penalties. Mr. Bundy proclaims his innocense, stating: "I'll not be the scapegoat here." He is countersuing for the loss of one wool fleece which was never recovered and presumed escaped.
Fred Hoyle Chair of the Guensey Neighbourhood Watch described to your reporter his annoyance and fury with the authorities that have allowed the pirate radio station Radio Salad to continue to broadcast from the islands. According to Mr Hoyle the islands youth were being corrupted by not only Radio Salad's illegal playing of pop music but the announcers did not ever use proper Queens English. He also said the station has no repect of authority and their attacks on him personalied by distribution of Radio Salad bumper stickers "I Love Hoyle"
There was controversy again at the end of last night's X Furrow as one of the favourites Duster Lustre was voted off and sent home by the casting vote of judge Keenan Gareth who let through his own tractor Butter Bird. In retaliation for last weeks sillage incident outside Mornington Crescent, Duster Lustre's mentor Simple Cowbell released several wombats among the audience. Simple insisted that Duster was the better tractor in appearance and style and could pull Keenan's Bird anytime.