Did I ever tell you I'm a medical history buff? I collect 17th century surgical instruments and like to perform procedures as practised in that era. In fact I plan to repair your hernia using the exact technique of abdominal surgery I found yesterday in an old 1638 surgical manuscript. But first we'll have to draw blood for some tests. Don't worry, you'll just feel a slight pinching sensation as this leech latches on.
Hi, I'm the new optometrist here. Don't worry if you can't read the eyechart too good. I can't either. I'm horribly dyslexic, you see. So if you see a "C" and I see it as a "G", I'll just take your word for it.
"If you look closely at the screen you will notice two prominent appendages on the head .... yes ... they are horns. That is why, Mrs. Johnson, I said a natural childbirth is out of the question."
Your foot? I'm not too good at feet. I've got a nice, 19th century edition of Gray's Anatomy here; shall we look it up together?Not hilarious but, on the other hand, true.
Well, yes, the standard procedure would be a referral to a specialist with a view to surgery, but let's face facts, shall we? You've certainly not got half your life ahead of you any more, and operations are pretty expensive. What say we cut our losses here and ask Jesus for salvation?
Let me consult my copy of Chi's Anatomy to find the correct pressure point, Mr. Johnson. When I inserted this acupuncture needle into your left ankle, it was supposed to get your bile flowing again, not cause you to have an erection.
You've got osteoporosis, incipient Alzheimer's, a weak heart, high blood pressure, risk of stroke, a dodgy prostate, emphysema, and a crop of stomach ulcers, but look on the bright side, you're in perfect health for a man of 92.
Ummm...I don't know how to tell you this. We got you mixed up with another Mr. Smith who's come in for a vasectomy...the one we mistakenly just finished doing on you instead. But don't worry, we will bind up your sprained ankle for free.
Class, with the unwilling assistance of Mr. Falstaff here, I will now demonstrate for the benefit of you first year medical students why it is NOT best to perform an autopsy on a freshly deceased middle-aged man before rigor mortis has set in.
[Falstaff] That's not funny. ;-) Years ago I had 'a bit of a turn' and attended a city hospital. Whilst lying on a trolley a doctor arrived with five or six students in tow. "Listen to this" he said, "a classic case of FM." The group dutifully put their stethoscopes to my chest, nodded wisely and then left. It frightened the whatsit out of me at the time and I still don't know what FM means. 'For the Morgue'? 'Frightened Man'? 'Frigging Moron'? No doubt the latter - oh, well. So: Hello, I wasn't expecting to see you again.