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World's Worsest
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Start with World's Worst Chat Up Lines, till it wears out then start a new topic.
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That's it. Put your hand through the bars in the cage and shake the nice tiger's paw. He's nothing but an oversized pussy cat.
Would you like to hear another rugby song? This one is called "All the Nice Girls Love a Candle" . . .
Do you want to see my Michael Jackson impression?
You'll never learn the sousaphone if you can't even hold it properly.
Do you recall the defective bicycle your parents returned to walmart last christmas? Well, I hate to be the one to tell you but, when your parents get back from the hospital with your new baby brother, he is going to be your replacement. You are being returned to the factory.
Now try a 180 degree handbrake turn.
You must never use a kitchen knife for cutting up worms and caterpillars! We have blunt ended scissors for that.
Earthworms are fun to eat. They're just like spaghetti.
Kiddie Fiddler? Yes, that was Vanessa Mae as a child.
Let me read you an inspiring bedtime story about a famous inventor. No, not Edison or Watt. I'm talking about Joseph Guillotine.
"Hey, very stylish girl. I love the way the colour of your shoes matches your teeth" (Green)
Okay, okay, one more story. This one's by a sweet old man called Lovecraft.
Excellent. Now for

Worst things to say to your boss


B*gger off
You want me to do what? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
What's that in English?
Your daughters a bit of alright!
Now I know you're insane.
You know full well that you can't afford to sack me.
I bet if I flicked you with a wet towel you'd make a noise worth recording...
I know why you asked me to this meeting. So shall we do it on your desk or do you want to find a hotel for a couple of hours?
Yes, I have erred. I was responsible for the failure of the project. But I can take what's coming to me like a man. Here is the cane, hold on while I lower my trousers.
Actually, that's a surprisingly clever idea.
Well, excuse me, who are you to tell me what to do?
I suppose at least you have a good excuse for not being able to tell your arse from your elbow, since in your case they resemble each other so remarkably.
I do.
It's Bosses' day today! I spent all day at the office making these neat paper cutouts for you and making you a hand-painted card too.
Sod the deadline, let's get pissed.
That's an amazingly stupid idea.
I love 90-hour weeks.
Hold on, I'm guessing this call is more important than anything you were about to say
I'm "working from home" today, if you get my drift.
*hiss* *gasp* Yes, my master *hiss*
What do you mean, you've never had a sex change?
Shouldn't you be in senior management at your age?
If you're so f*in clever then you bleedin' well do it
Ahem... Aren't those Miss Pendergrast's pantyhose lying in a heap under your desk? She does go beyond the call of secretarial duty, doen't she?
We're practically family for I've been having a liaison with your wife. But that's not the half of it, your daughter is 7 weeks pregnant.
Badges? We don't need your stinking badges!
Of course I've been taking off early most days at 4PM. I didn't realise until just now that when you hired me you said there was a compulsory "forty hours a week" policy that employees must abide by, I mistook it for a "four tea hours a week" mandate.
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