Some men sail a ship, get off it, get on it, carry on till they get where they were going.

Have you ever tried to find a phone box that works? Still who uses them anyway - except as a toilet that is? Seems like London is no different toi New York after all.

Two murderesses battle it out to see who can most successfully trade off the stupidity of their home city. A number of innocent lives are ruined/lost on the way, half including the women, who get a brief comeuppance but then exploit murder together to find fame in a showstopping final number celebrating the fact that corruption pays. The only truly nice person dies halfway through the movie.

Jesus bleeds. A lot. In aramaic, hebrew, and latin, with subtitles.

Young american children dance in a slightly provocative fashion. In the end, no-one really minds. And their parents start doing it.

Remember that popular children's book it took Stephen Fry all Christmas Day to read on Radio 4? Well, we can do it in a millionth of the time with a whopping 2, 000 pence special effects budget. And some child actors.

The (frequently naked) guy from Clockwork Orange shags everyone, including his sister (many times), Helen Mirren, and a hairy man. Like a Black Widow spider he then kills most of them and a large amount of passers-by and bystanders, and uses the word 'logical' a lot. Will Caligula get his comeuppance? Oh, graphically - now that's what we call poetic justice!

The (frequently topless) guy from Clockwork Orange follows his tedious sister around, trying to persuade her to shag him so that she won't turn into a vicious cat-like beast and claw to death whoever else she's shagging, the little minx. It's a remake.

There's this man, right, who's a bit like a spider, and he goes round acting like a man but has to hide the fact that he's a bit like a spider or the baddie (Willem Dafoe with a Gollum complex) will attack him on a motorised surfboard.

A woman who doesn't speak spends an entire movie playing the piano and arguing with ugly people about other ugly people. At the end of the movie she throws away the piano.

Remember that popular children's book that Stephen Fry filled up 8 CDs reading? Well, we can do it in a billionth of the time with a whopping 2, 008 pence special effects budget. This time we have Christian Coulson.

Approximately 94 minutes running time.

Gene Kelly plays Jerry Mulligan, an American living in Paris.

King of Siam and the governess of his children spend some time over 2 hours sexlessly bickering. Then he dies.

Like the above movie, but without Yul Brynner, or any songs to take your mind off the fact that the King of Siam has hair.

The British are largely zombies for a while and the rest of them aren't and need to run away from them and/or hit them with sticks to avoid becoming a finger buffet. The affliction isn't explained, but looks gross. If you've never seen a man be pulled apart, whilst still alive, before your very eyes, why, now's your chance!

A disaster movie set on public transport.

Movie musical in which a young woman spends entire story steadfastly refusing to give into sexist pressures, and then does. Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta both star in skin-tight black clothing.

Alec Guinness and company fail to kill somebody.