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Conversation ƒtoppers
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In the words of Dunx: "I suppose it's a long way off yet, but listening to this week's ISIHAC I liked the game of "Opening Lines" where the players would provide a line guaranteed to end the conversation with famous personages. Eg - "So, Mr Bush - is English your first language?" "Table for Mr Stringfellow and his granddaughter!" To Rod Hull - "Where's your emu?" Well, it made me laugh a lot anyway."
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In very very poor taste.......... So Mr Hitler which do you prefer cooking with, gas or electric?......................
Tracey Emin: "I hope you've made your bed!"
Leonardo to Mona Lisa: "...and wipe that smile off your face!"
John Constable: "Tell me, why did you call that bloke in the cart 'Wayne?'"
Nero: "My God! I thought you'd stood on the cat while trying to escape from the blaze!"
Andrew Lloyd-Webber: "Of course, the great days of the Musical were just after the War."
Neville Chamberlain - "Are you still collecting autographs?"
Orenthal J. Simpson: "... say, you remind me of my late wife."
" Mr. Hussein, as your lawyers we will soon have you out of this hole."
Oscar Wilde: - "Reading, eh? That's a bummer".
Jeffrey Archer: "Pass the soap".
Tony Blair "You remember Captain Scarlett don't you?...you know, da da da da, da da dee da Captain Scarlett indestructible..."
Lester Piggot - "Hi, I work for the Inland Revenue."
"John Paul, is the Pope really a Catholic?"
Or alternatively - "So where are George and Ringo, eh?"
Rupert Bear - "I saw you in the woods the other day - what were you doing in there?"
Philip Green - "Take your Marks..."
Keith Chegwin - "Whatever happened to Maggie Philbin?"
Or perhaps - "I bet you have wonderful memories of your time doing children's telly!"
Keith Chegwin - "Fancy another drink?"
Robert Maxwell - "Look, there's no need to go overboard about it."
Cap'n Ahab - "Yhar she blows!"
Noel Edmonds - "Michael Lush" (ooh, bad taste.)
Galileo - "So you're not a regular churchgoer, then?"
Michael Barrymore - "Nice looking pool out there - fancy a swim?"
Captain of the Titanic "Calm as a mill pond, full steam ahead. We'll knock a day off our journey"
Buddy Holly I love flying
Elvis Cheese burgers never hurt anyone!
Dr. Crippen - "How's the wife?"
Mussolini - "What are you hanging around for?"
Bob Dylan - "How are Dougal & Ermintrude?"
Ronald Reagan - "How's Carter?" (one for Sweeney fans...)
Sweeney Todd - "A little more off the top, please"
George Dubya Bush - "Hi - Here's your free sample from Pete's Pretzels..."
Dr. Spock - "What's the planet Vulcan like at this time of year?"
Henry Ford - "But I want a white one!"
Michael Howard - Did you threaten to overrule him?
Dale Winton How's your girlfriend?
George Dubya - How do you spell WMD?
Jeremy Paxman: "How are you, answer the question for goodness sake, how are you?"
Peter Pan - "Why, hello little lady ..."
Frodo Baggins - "Why, hello little lady ..."
Gollum - "Here's a riddle for you: What's I got in my pocket?"
Gandalf - "... rather fond of hobbits aren't we?"
[and finally] ... Your new cellmate - "Why, hello little lady ..."
Lady Godiva - " Good morning. I'm from the Health & Safety department. Your hair is unsafe at that length, and must be tied up above shoulder height..."
Lady Chatterley - "...and when did you take on David Mellor as gardener?"
Phil Tufnell - "KEEP OFF THE GRASS!"
H.G. Wells - "...and how do you feel about being evicted from the Big Brother house?"
Queen Victoria - "Have you heard the one about the Englishman, the Irishman and the Scotsman..."
Gareth Hunt - "How do you feel about becoming a part of Cockney Rhyming Slang?"
Douglas Hurd - "How do you feel about becoming a part of Cockney Rhyming Slang?"
Sherlock Holmes - "I'm from the drugs squad..."
Henry Stanley - "Ken Livingstone, I presume?"
[Picard to Kirk] "My Enterprise is better than yours!" (which I've heard Patrick Stewart did actually say to William Shatner during the making of Generations.)
Capt'n Scott.........where did I put that F******g map?
David Beckham - "That penalty miss must have really upset you. Put it all behind you and try Rugby".
To the creator of 'Big Brother', the television show - "Tell us about your childhood."
To Nadia on Big Brother - "So, you were once a bloke, right?"
To David Dimbleby - "What can be done about the problem of nepotism in the BBC".
Clement Freud: "At your age, I bet you're grateful just to get to the end of the minute."
Nick Leason: 'So what made you leave your last job?'
Ruth Ellis: "I bet you're a bit of a swinger!"
Jeffrey Archer: "I loved your prison diaries, I hope you have a chance to write more volumes!"
John Bunyan: "How are those pilgrims of yours coming on?"
Rapunzel: "... before I hazard to climb your fair tresses, tell me truthful, are you indeed bald of head?"
St John the Divine: "Hey man, that's some heavy trip, can I score some?"
Torquemada: "Hello, I was expecting you."
Lancelot du Lac: "She a goer, then, is she?
Doubting Thomas: "You may already have won..."
Abraham: "Sacrificed any kids lately?"
To a sysadmin of my former acquaintance who wanted to restrict our Usenet feed on moral grounds, but lost the argument: "Burnt any good books lately?"
To my wife - I'm going out with my mates tonight Technically, this is a conversation stopper because the conversation stops and an argument starts.
United Airlines Stewardess - "Whoa purty lady, you just lit the fuse on the heat seeking missile in my pocket."
Elijah Wood - "You're smaller than you look on film."
King Richard III - "Would a donkey suffice?"
Romeo: "Forget her, she's not worth it, get better stuff down C*ntgr*p* Lane."
Mother Superior - "Oh F*ck!"
Joan of Arc - "Whinge, whinge, whinge. You're such a bloody martyr." (Dunx - love that one!)
To Ken Livingstone - "It's about twenty minutes' drive".
Tom Cruise at the fun fair.........sorry son you have to be a few inches taller to ride on the merry-go-round
To John Wesley - "Coming down the pub, then?"
John Knox: "Let me introduce you to my wife, the minister for our parish."
Martin Luther: "95 theses? Impossible, I sweated for three years over just one!"
To George Best: "Well, life depends upon the liver, as the old saying has it."
The Wright Brothers: "Bet you lads can't do a loop-the-loop in that thing."
John Prescott: "Here's your bus pass, Mr Prescott."
To Napoleon Bonaparte: "For Heaven's sake, grow up!"
To Louis XVI: "Heads or tails?"
To Nostradamus: "I can't see your ideas being acceptable in the future."
To General Douglas MacArthur: "How's the tennis going?"
To Douglas Adams "Sorry, why was it 42?"
Humphrey Lyttelton: "You're that trumpeter fellow Kenny Ball, aren't you?"
To the Spanish Inquisiton (In Monty Python, at least) "I've been expecting you."
The Old Lady Who Lived In A Shoe: "You're child allowance has been stopped."
The Aged Mariner: "I've heard that one before. Now, this really happened..."
Prince Philip: "I'm here to revoke your shotgun license" (deeply ashamed at the apostrophe abuse in my previous entry)
Queen Victoria - "Come on, cheer up!" [KH] Well, I didn't like to say...
To Captain Oates - "See you later, then."
To Richard Branson: "Well, are you?"
To Engelbert Humperdinck "So what ever happened to Gerry Dorsey, then?"
Richard Branson (again): "I'm sorry I'm late, aren't the trains crap these days..."
To Douglas Bader - "Don't fight the Air Ministry, old chap, you don't have a leg to stand on."
To any Australian Labor P.M. - "Care for a swim?"
To any Australian Liberal P.M. "Gough Whitlam's a mate of mine."
To Sven Goran Eriksson - "How do you fancy your chances?"
Open university rep......"Well Mr Pott what do you think of our distant learning packages"?
widey to widey......When you going to learn to write HTML?????
Ernst Lehmann of the Hindenburg ...."It was no easy task Captain, but I have located the Hydrogen leak ... doesn't appear to be a problem ... I'll patch it up soon's I have a smoke."
To Margaret Thatcher - "Wonderful place, the Argentine."
To Charles De Gaul - "Is it true that the polls have you a nose in front?"
To Sven-Goran Eriksson - "You've been watching The Muppets again, haven't you?"
To Yasser Arafat - Are you sure you're not Jewish?
To Stirling Moss - "And how many drivers' championships did you win?"
To Thelonius Monk - "Jazz Greats? Yes, it does a bit, doesn't it?"
To King Harold - "Careful! You'll have someone's eye out with that!"
To Miss Piggy - "So, does it really taste like chicken?"
Sir Stafford Cripps (as presented by Lowell Thomas) - ...introducing the eminent politician, Sir Stifford Craps.
To Paula Radcliffe on handing her half a Snickers bar - "Do you want to finish this marathon?
Or alternatively - "What was the name of that quiz show that Henry Kelly used to host? Can't remember it for the life of me!"
To the Australian Womens' Eight -

'Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
Gold is but a dream'
To Henry VIII - "Today we call it serial monogamy".
Sung by the travelling "Barmy Army" of English cricket supporters, to the Sri Lankan bowler Muttiah Muralitharan, infamously accused of throwing rather than bowling the ball (and actually penalised during a previous match, for exactly that, by the umpire Darrell Hair, who was to umpire the next England/Sri Lanka match):

"Throw, throw, throw the ball,
roll it round the seam:
Murali, Murali, Murali, Murali
Chucks it like a dream.

Bowl, bowl, bowl the ball,
quickly through the air:
Murali, Murali, Murali, Murali -
Here comes Darrell Hair!

NO-BALL!

Sir Donald Campbell.........Its as smooth as glass out there,lets give it a go
Buzz Aldrin - "Second is almost as good as first, isn't it?"
Adolf Hitler - "Living room extensions are always more hassle than you expect, aren't they?"
Croesus of Lydia - "Still. Can't take it with you, can you?"
George W. Bush - "Do you think that James' account of pragmatic epistemology represents a betrayal of the philosophy of Pierce, or a legitimate development of it?"
Herman Goering...........R.A.F.? Who the fuck are they?
John Kerry - "Better the devil you know, that's my philosophy."
Christopher Eccleston - "Didn't you used to be Tom Baker?"
to Hal Sutton : "So do you think the reason you guys lost the Ryder Cup is because you are the worst kind of Red-Necked deep-fried southern asshole imaginable?"
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