...walking like an Egyptian for several minutes for my own amusement and that of a few puzzled passers by. I then had a sudden craving for a ham sandwich with lashings of chestnut and grasshopper chutney, so I...

popped home. August brought with it...

... a mountain of debt, which is why I've sent you this begging thinly-disguised-as-a-round-robin-seasonal-journal letter. It seems ages since I had a decent ...

...pair of trousers to call my own, and as a consequence my...

...legs have been somewhat battle-scarred in all these jaunts and scrapes I have inadvertently found myself in. Funds are also required to...

..bolster the Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch village hall roof repair fund. It is such a shame that such a lovely building, made out of antracite slag, should be in such disrepair. I hope that you will all dig deep into your pockets. The vicar says that he...

...has an injunction against me coming with 200 metres of him or the church, since the unfortunate Walnut and Grasshopper Chutney incident. I think that it was a complete over-reaction, myself, I mean all I did was...

..., well I would tell you all, but the injunction prevents me. September, with the leaves falling from the trees and autumn starting, was.....

... the start of Autumn with the leaves falling from the trees and I found, to my horror, that not only was I short of cash, but also experiencing an alarming vocabulary deficiency. This shortage of vocabulary forced me to ...

...thingummy...

.....and then watsit. Alarmed at this strange state of affairs, I went to the doctor who told me to....

...diddly durbley dowacky winjar. Or at least that's what it sounded like to me. It was then that I remembered...

... the word 'stirrup'. Coupled with the word 'chutney' it made a pleasing sound, so armed with my new phrase I spent the following week inserting it into ...

...every sentence I stirrup chutney could. However, my stirrup chutney neighbours soon...

Filed a stirrup chutney law suit against me, claiming I was a thigummy, or whatsit, I don't remember. But anyway, I had to hire a stirrup chutney lawyer who

...would adequately stirrup chutney me. His primary defence stirrup chutney was...

..that I had "Unwin's Syndrome". A congenital defect since birth, which I had had all my life without knowing it in the fundermold. It was then that the prosecution also noticed that I was a convicted tautologist but my lawyer...

was a certified taxidermist. The rest of the prosecution's case consisted of them screeching with laughter and shouting "Stuff her! Haahahahah!". I found this extremely annoying and the judge agreed, as he only sentenced me to..

...death, with time off for lewd behaviour. I think he was losing the plot frankly, as all through the proceedings he...

... fiddled with his Knitting Nancy. Behaving in a lewd manner in order to escape death row was going to be a doddle, so I wandered off in search of ....

...a copy of Who's Who. Having acquired this, I proceeded to...

...contact as many lords of the realm as possible, especially those with knitting listed as a hobby. I then had to...

...dance around their houses, wearing only my woolly underwear. Most of them found this enjoyable, but one lord took exception to my large, twirling...

... chutney stirrup, saying it lacked lewdness. The ridiculous death sentence hung over me like the Sword of Damocles which, although stressful, gave me inspiration for my next ....

..venture which was to obtain false identification and passports and escape the country. It was at this point that I rued the day I had set foot in the time-machine telephone box which had brought me back to this era. Undaunted, I opened a copy of Exchange and Mart and under the heading "False Identities and Documentation" found a telephone number. I searched around furtively for a telephone....