A dozen, a gross, and a score
Plus three times the square root of four
Divided by seven
Plus five times eleven
Is nine squared and not a bit more.
[Marc] S'a guddun
My first, second, third are in "slime"
My fourth twice in "lager and lime"
My fifth is in "brandy"
My sixth in "mild shandy"
Sev'nth and eighth in "Cork gin". How sublime!
My fourth twice in "lager and lime"
My fifth is in "brandy"
My sixth in "mild shandy"
Sev'nth and eighth in "Cork gin". How sublime!
And now that the end has come near
My friend, let me say this quite clear,
As I face the last curtain,
Of this I am certain,
To my way I'll surely adhere.
Regrets? Not a lot, that's what I say.
On each careful step on the byway,
Avoiding remorse,
I planned each charted course,
And much more than this, did it my way.
There were times, I'm sure that you knew,
That I bit off more than I could chew.
But when there was doubt,
I ate up, spat it out,
Faced it all and stood tall, as I do.
I've loved and I've laughed and I've cried.
And now as the tears subside,
My full share of losing
All seems so amusing.
In all that I did, I take pride.
What is a man; what has he got?
Not himself? Then he surely has naught.
To say things that he feels,
Not repeat one who kneels;
He truly must heed his own thought.
Though now I have travelled each highway
Let me say, and not in a shy way,
That the record will show
That I took every blow.
But more, so much more, did it my way.
My friend, let me say this quite clear,
As I face the last curtain,
Of this I am certain,
To my way I'll surely adhere.
Regrets? Not a lot, that's what I say.
On each careful step on the byway,
Avoiding remorse,
I planned each charted course,
And much more than this, did it my way.
There were times, I'm sure that you knew,
That I bit off more than I could chew.
But when there was doubt,
I ate up, spat it out,
Faced it all and stood tall, as I do.
I've loved and I've laughed and I've cried.
And now as the tears subside,
My full share of losing
All seems so amusing.
In all that I did, I take pride.
What is a man; what has he got?
Not himself? Then he surely has naught.
To say things that he feels,
Not repeat one who kneels;
He truly must heed his own thought.
Though now I have travelled each highway
Let me say, and not in a shy way,
That the record will show
That I took every blow.
But more, so much more, did it my way.
My friend sent me a mail:
I also play baritone sax
It helps me unwind and relax
It's great for the lung
My fingers and tongue
And the noise clears the ears of all wax...
A variation of an old bawdy poem:
Over the hill came Pistol Pete
Ninety-five lbs. of swinging meat
He met up with a gal
By the name of Big Sal
Who had the Grand Canyon betwixt her feet.
The question remains when this tale is done
Should Pete of stood there or should he of run?
And though it is moot
One cannot dispute
Pete's now married cause he did neither one.
Over the hill came Pistol Pete
Ninety-five lbs. of swinging meat
He met up with a gal
By the name of Big Sal
Who had the Grand Canyon betwixt her feet.
The question remains when this tale is done
Should Pete of stood there or should he of run?
And though it is moot
One cannot dispute
Pete's now married cause he did neither one.
The albatross flew in the sky
I aimed my crossbow and let fly
But the fates were unkind
I went out of my mind
Now I sit here and bore passers-by.
I aimed my crossbow and let fly
But the fates were unkind
I went out of my mind
Now I sit here and bore passers-by.
*chuckles*
My benevolence comes at a price
To wit should you leap through the ice
Limit your spree
To less than three
As I will pull you out only twice
My benevolence comes at a price
To wit should you leap through the ice
Limit your spree
To less than three
As I will pull you out only twice
A girl of Brazilian extraction
Liked rock stars and double the action
She said with a swagger
She'd had Richards and Jagger
And BOTH had achieved satisfaction.....
When in the course of the times
The government tends to grave crimes
It's the right of us all
To send them to the wall
And get new ones and pay them our dimes.
I'm your God, have no others but me
With my name you mustn't make free
Rest one day, 'spect the 'rents
Don't kill, lust, steal pence
Tell the truth, covet not, and you'll see.
[Raak] Hoorah!
on a lighter note
To the eyes of the ignorant rabble
It looks like a load of pure babble
But my motives are pure
(Though my diction's obscure)
Either that, or I'm cheating at Scrabble
The mind-bending maths are all done
The race was a killer, it's won
All this mental corrosion
Suggests that implosion
Will best the Uranium Gun.
The race was a killer, it's won
All this mental corrosion
Suggests that implosion
Will best the Uranium Gun.
While singing an opera by Strauss
(in fact, it was Die Fledermaus)
I delighted the hordes
While treading the boards
And completely brought down the whole house.
standard singer's modesty....
The choirmaster asked for staccato.
The chorister sang it legato.
And his final top C,
Sounded more like a B -
There's a chance he might end up castrato
The chorister sang it legato.
And his final top C,
Sounded more like a B -
There's a chance he might end up castrato
While Pablo was singing some Strauss
(It might have been Die Fledermaus)
I swung the iron ball
Knocked out the front wall
And completely brought down the whole house.
(It might have been Die Fledermaus)
I swung the iron ball
Knocked out the front wall
And completely brought down the whole house.
[Phil] Excellent! [Stevie] Calumny!
[Pablo] Thanks :)
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
What I'd call a # , I've found,Hidden text
hash sign
Americans mostly call # Hidden text
pound
Though in C♯ it warpsHidden text
sharp
To look like ## .Hidden text
octothorps
And would # in Malaysia astound?Hidden text
hex
###
Marc, love the math one! That's brilliant!
[Phil] Stop waffling, man!
"When landing on water", they said,
(and presumably not being dead)
"Remove your jacket
from its packet
and place it over your head."
The last three lines are, word for word, part of the script for Ryanair's safety demonstrations, which sound like part of a Limerick every time I hear them (>50 times in the last four years), even though the scansion is, admittedly, a bit stretched.
(and presumably not being dead)
"Remove your jacket
from its packet
and place it over your head."
The last three lines are, word for word, part of the script for Ryanair's safety demonstrations, which sound like part of a Limerick every time I hear them (>50 times in the last four years), even though the scansion is, admittedly, a bit stretched.
[Moom] Ha! Oh the irony. An Irish airline oft-ridiculed for the way it handles matters making safety instructions in poor limerick form!
(KS) You'd like this, then:
∫ dcabin/cabin = log cabin.
[penelope] Heard it again today on the way back to GC from England, and have to make a small correction: it's "Remove the jacket". Doesn't help the scansion though.
Stevie -
To a boring volcano experiment
I added magnesium for merriment
And by sad mistake
Thermite I did make
And suffered a temp'ry impediment
[Stevie] Yikes.
[Stevie] An admirable approach to empirical research. Top marks!
Another from a friend...
This young man at graduate school
Did find a red ring ‘round his tool
He went to a clinic
The doctor was cynic:
”Can´t you see it´s just lipstick your fool!”
This young man at graduate school
Did find a red ring ‘round his tool
He went to a clinic
The doctor was cynic:
”Can´t you see it´s just lipstick your fool!”
The proper version...
There was a young girl from Aberystwyth
Who took grain to the mill to get grist with
But the miller's son Jack
Lay her flat on her back
And united the organs they pissed with.
The first "y" in Aberystwyth is actually a schwa. Too bad
There was a young girl from Aberystwyth
Who took grain to the mill to get grist with
But the miller's son Jack
Lay her flat on her back
And united the organs they pissed with.
The first "y" in Aberystwyth is actually a schwa. Too bad
Remember, remember, remember!
That day on the fifth of November
When gunpowder, treason
And Popish malfeason
Are why we must traitors dismember.
There was a young lady called Hannah
Who had the effect of a spanner
With no ifs or buts
She could tighten men's nuts
In a frankly incredible manner.
I've been a wild rover, I fear
But the end of my roving draws near
For I'm clean out of dosh
And I drink orange squash
'Cos my insides were ruined by beer
The first valve is pressed firmly down
And the music it moves round and round
Then it comes out from here
In a tone bright and clear
(It began as a lip-farting sound)
I've a love of the tenor trombone
And in that I don't think I'm alone
For some it's The Valve
That's their musical salve
It's The Slide that puts me in The Zone
Eye of Newt, Wing of Bat, Leg of Frog
Anne of Cleves, John o' Groats, Hair of Dog
Add lemon 'til sour
Then stir for an hour
Drink down fast, and then run for the bog
[Stevie] Have three Bravi on me
I wrote this following my first reading of Watership Down - many moons ago ..
Intuition, sixth sense, second sight
Thus the panic began before light
An atmosphere foreign
In their once homely warren
Became reason enough for their flight
Intuition, sixth sense, second sight
Thus the panic began before light
An atmosphere foreign
In their once homely warren
Became reason enough for their flight
Infra Red Spectroscopy
From messing with quantums we glean
That symmetrical modes can't be seen
Asymmetrical change
Dipole moments derange
And a sharp peak's revealed to the keen.
Raman Spectroscopy
A laser makes the bonds vibrate
Just like infra red does. But wait!
With a polarized glow
Only symetric modes show
Which chemists find a useful trait
Because when both techniques are used on the same sample it can remove the need for dicking around with bond extinction coefficients and make structural analysis a matter of mental ball-and-stick topography. Result!
"Let's go to the ice-cap" he said.
"We're British! We can't end up dead!"
Well, the ice got a grip
So we cut up the ship
What we needed by then was a sled.
A question both deep and profound
Is whether a circle is round
In a paper by Erdös
Written in Kurdish
A counterexample is found
Not mine, this one, of course
Which reminds me of this mnemonic one I wrote more than a decade ago:
How I wish I could calculate pi!
Assess twice the ambit. Simplify:
Bisecting through
Canceling two
As the diameter thou divide by.
How I wish I could calculate pi!
Assess twice the ambit. Simplify:
Bisecting through
Canceling two
As the diameter thou divide by.
[CdM] Tremendous!
Möbius bands
A mathematician confided
That a Möbius band is one-sided
And you get quite a laugh
If you cut one in half
For it stays in one piece when divided.
(Anon)
A mathematician named Klein
Thought the Möbius band was divine
He said "If you glue
The edges of two
You get a weird bottle like mine."
(Leo Moser)
I do hope Attila the Stockbroker doesn't mind me posting one that he's just put on Facebook:
A smelly, stub filled old ashtray.
Badly kept Greene King IPA.
Grim, pinched-face psychosis.
Severe halitosis.
That's Faragery in the UK.
A bunch of editor-types with what I correspond came up with a deadly set of alternative lyrics for 'God Save The Queen' but about Oscar Pistorius. It started...
Oscar Pistorius
Short through a door for us
Girlfriend injurious...
I don't think it got an ending because we all decided we would all go straight to hell if we finished it.
Oscar Pistorius
Short through a door for us
Girlfriend injurious...
I don't think it got an ending because we all decided we would all go straight to hell if we finished it.
Keep up the good work, chaps.
oh, and
oh, and
Inspired by penelope and other editor-types
An athlete of deeds meritorious,
Whose life had been largely victorious,
With blind gunshots multiple -
Homicide Culpable -
Guilty of acts most inglorious
I like the # one.
Soon frostnights again
During winter we must feed the birds
They are hungry and come in great herds
They love sunflower seeds
It fills most of their needs
And the pay us with white little turds...
During winter we must feed the birds
They are hungry and come in great herds
They love sunflower seeds
It fills most of their needs
And the pay us with white little turds...
And they pay us with white little turds...
I'm just going out for a while
Said Oates, with a hint of a smile.
He's a good chap, I thought
He'll do what he ought
With a stiff upper lip, that's the style!
Said Oates, with a hint of a smile.
He's a good chap, I thought
He'll do what he ought
With a stiff upper lip, that's the style!
I once had a highly trained moggie
Who could do anything that a doggie
Could – but it wouldn't.
'Cos cats know they shouldn't.
It's a core part of their psychologgie
Who could do anything that a doggie
Could – but it wouldn't.
'Cos cats know they shouldn't.
It's a core part of their psychologgie
That miserable cur, Ebeneezer
Thought Christmas a costly purse-squeezer
Then four ghosts in his sleep
Showed him how being cheap
Made him quite an unpopular geezer.
Thought Christmas a costly purse-squeezer
Then four ghosts in his sleep
Showed him how being cheap
Made him quite an unpopular geezer.
What's red, fat and goes "ho-ho-ho"?
One's stuck in my chimney, you know
It's blocked up the flue
And between me and you
This prevents proper draw and smoke flow
One's stuck in my chimney, you know
It's blocked up the flue
And between me and you
This prevents proper draw and smoke flow
The stockings were hung up with care
But we snuck down and hid (on a dare)
At eleven o'clock
Me and sis got a shock:
Uncle Frank and our Mam tot'ly bare.
But we snuck down and hid (on a dare)
At eleven o'clock
Me and sis got a shock:
Uncle Frank and our Mam tot'ly bare.
There's a sleigh on me lawn, full of tat
And a bloke lying near, red and fat
It certainly gives pause
To think Santa Clause
Could arrive quite as plastered as that
And a bloke lying near, red and fat
It certainly gives pause
To think Santa Clause
Could arrive quite as plastered as that
Two tramps spend a long time in wait.
"Let's go," one says, "Godot is late."
"I'm sure that he'll come,"
Says the other, face glum.
They don't move, but continue to wait.
"Let's go," one says, "Godot is late."
"I'm sure that he'll come,"
Says the other, face glum.
They don't move, but continue to wait.
His codename is Ack-Ack Macaque
He's teamed with a newspaper hack
He's battled the Hun
With booze, cuss and gun
I reckon he's earned his own plaque
He's teamed with a newspaper hack
He's battled the Hun
With booze, cuss and gun
I reckon he's earned his own plaque
Please guide me, by thy steadfast hand
A pilgrim through this barren land
You're mighty, I'm weak
Deliv'rance I seek
And food evermore's what I've planned.
A pilgrim through this barren land
You're mighty, I'm weak
Deliv'rance I seek
And food evermore's what I've planned.
Tom Cromwell served Henry (mark 8)
Juggling life, limb and law for the state
Though for long years traduced
His repute's now been spruced
- for the next episode, we can't wait!
Juggling life, limb and law for the state
Though for long years traduced
His repute's now been spruced
- for the next episode, we can't wait!