arrow_circle_left arrow_circle_up arrow_circle_right
Limerick Showcase
help
A chance for players to showcase whole limericks for amusement & edification. Standard winning move for the purposes of euthanasia.
arrow_circle_up
On day one He made dark and made light
Next three days: earth, sea, trees and stars bright
Fish and birds on day five
Six made man and beasts live
Then He paused as He thought "That's alright!"
There once was a lady called Chalky
Who I spoke to on my walkie-talkie
She said, "Hello Rosie"
I said "Don't be dozy"
"You really wanted old Uncle Korky."
I’m stuck with my Siamese twin
When he’s going out then I’m coming in
He was screwing this miss
And of course got all bliss
But I just got blisters on my foreskin.

Timon gave all his money away
So his debts he could no longer pay
His friends all proved false
So he left Athens' walls
And struck gold, but then died anyway.

Eve was the apple of Adams eye,
And he was so fond of apple pie,
When the snake one day said:
Eat that pie - you'll be dead
He ate all, now he’s dead, and that’s why...

“I use a naughty lim’rick diet
To enhance my libido at night;
Helps the ol’ blood flow too,”
Endorsed Mr. MaGoo,
“And it’s done wondrous things for my sight.”
There now follows a sad tale of poor customer service in the Himalayas:
I once met an ill-tempered yak
Who configured my girlfriend's new Mac
He charged twenty quid
For all that he did
But I think I want fifteen quid back.

One might think that Will's lost the plot
Milk freezes yet crabs sizzle hot
As Love's Labour ends
Drear 'Winter' attends
And greasy Joan still keels the pot

On the moor a green lantern glows,
Midst heather's scent the cold sea breeze blows,
Waves were a crashin’
The clans be a clashin’
The mist lift and gray daylight grows...
More religion (Luke's version, rearranged, for assisted brevity!). Fourth line scansion is a little forced, but does fit:
Our father, we hallow your name
Your Kingdom will come, we proclaim,
Our daily bread feed us
To temptation don't lead us
Forgive sins, as we forgive same.
Her eyes are not much like the sun
Her breasts are not white but mere dun
Flutes make finer sound
Her feet tread on the ground
But the truth is, for me she's the one.
The Nostromo has answered a cry
Of distress, but it turns out a lie
A horrible monster
Wreaks havoc upon her
But Ripley wins with her last try.
There's an alien monster on board!
It's just one of a hideous horde!
It's picking us off
So hide and don't cough!
Someone does, and the rest all get gored.
The xenomorph's with us again!
At a prison camp full of tough men!
Ripley kills it, then leaves
But an egg gives her heaves
And the xenomorph's with us again!
It's been resurrected again!
And again and again and again!
They break out and fight
Ripley deals with her plight
As they kill all her team yet again.
Did the xenomorphs die in that crash?
To believe it might be rather rash
For if there's a way
That a new film will pay
To the hills you had better all dash.
*applause*
The Apocalypse comes, by these signs
The breaking of seals seven times
Seven trumpets shall blast
Seven bowls shall be cast
A new heaven and earth to refine.
Earth to earth, ash to ash, dust to dust
All come thus, so be not nonplussed
When judgement comes round
And the Last Trump shall sound
Let us hope, meanwhile die all we must. A bit catchier than the usual rite.
Once a year Jolly Old Saint Nick
Will perform an astonishing trick
How it’s done no one knows
Except Mom and it shows
‘Cause she’s got her own private Dick.

Almost five years ago...
Chalky - In order to find my religion
Marc - I launched my best trained homing pigeon
irach - She returned in a day
Software - To show me the way
CdM - To Mecca. She erred by a smidgeon

Almost four years ago...
Software - It's Friday, let's go to the pub
Simons Mith - For a beer and a B.L.T. sub
penelope - A packet of nuts
irach - And chicks with great butts
Marc - In the crowd we may get a good rub?

Almost three years ago...
Raak - Nngh Naouwfaouwk vaey aouw taouwk woik vif "In Norfolk they all talk like this"
Rosie - Whaa'? Even 'ng pahsh taoüns loike Diff? "What? Even in posh towns like Diss?"
KagomeShuko - Jeg vil prøve å lære det "I'd try to learn it"
Marc - Fast jag är en analfabet "Though I am an analphabit"
Éirinn go Brách - Póg mo thóin! Tá mo bhríste trí thine! "Kiss my ass! My trousers are burning like this"

Almost two years ago...
Kim - "Take care as you go up that ladder",
Raak - "And more HSA yadda-yadda"
Rosie - "At all times beware"
Marc - " 'cause our lousy health care"
cfm - "Won't clean up the blood that you spatter."

Exactly one year ago...
Marc - Now soon a new year will arrive
Rosie - It divides by three but not five
irach - Sum its digits - that's six
Software - Put them into the mix
Phil - What pleasure from sums we derive!

And a happy New Limerick-year to all clever coworkers !
Hidden textNon-rhotic pronunciation requested

A fine compilation by Marc;
The Last Rites rewritten by Raak;
Some Biblical verse
(Some better, some worse);
Embellish our Limerick Park

To begin with: old Marley was dead
But his ghost awoke Scrooge from his bed
The events of that night
Gave Scrooge such a great fright
That he wished people merry instead.

In the winter we must feed the birds
They are hungry and come in great herds
They love sunflower seeds
It fills most of their needs
And the pay you with white little turds
And they pay you with white little turds.
Dirty old Dan had escaped
From a prison, rectangular-shaped.
That silly buffoon
Had dug out with a spoon,
When the jail bars were merely scotch-taped!
Asimov's entire robot stories:
“Protect humans, obey, and survive”
I was taught, but from this I derive
The collective is all
And humanity’s call
Overrides my original drive.
I found that one in an old file I just came across. Here's a few more:

The Foundation trilogy

Foundation

The Empire is going to pot
Psychohistory’s all that we’ve got
To lessen the pain
And let good rise again
Just ten centuries Seldon allot.

Foundation and Empire

The mutant is breaking the Plan
Seldon couldn’t foresee just one man
The Second Foundation
Will be their salvation
But it has to stay hid if it can.

Second Foundation

They’ve discovered the Second Foundation
It gives the First great consternation
They spring a fine trap
And think it’s a wrap
To the Second Foundation’s elation.
One I composed while killing 20 minutes in a pub in Theale (pronounced "teel") last night

There was a young lady of Theale
Whose embonpoint verged on surreal
And on Saturday night
There's a rumour she might
Let me and my mates cop a feel.

[Phil] I had to lookup embonpoint . The illustrative use that Google returns is wonderful: "the lady of a certain age and uncertain embonpoint wore strapless black lace kept up by sheer determination".
[Raak] Splendid!
This one was sent to me from an old friend so I don't know the origin:
On the breasts of a barmaid from Sale
Were tattooed all the prices of ale
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Was the same information in Braille.
This is his source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ei68YJe-nA0
[Marc] That one dates from before WWII.

On an isle far away one man sits
"Tell us why" his hosts cry; and he spits
"Do the worst that you can
I'll remain a free man!"
Two years later they've lost, and he splits.

Thx Stevie. Then maybe this one is from before WWI??
There was a young man from Cape Horn
who wished he had never been born
And he shouldn't have been
if his father had seen
that the top of the rubber was torn.
arrow_circle_down
Want to play? Online Crescenteering lives on at Discord