Contrary to popular belief, the Queen is deeply uninterested in her public and constitutional duties. She goes down the bookie's while official visits, state openings and protocol receptions are all done for her by a little man called Murgatroyd in a wig.

After downloading the latest up-dates (?) from Microsoft and having so much fun in so doing, I have to agree that this site has no humour at all.

I was flying by some men who were cleaning out ditches with Nanette Newman when she cried "Boolbar is a Fairy Princess". She grabbed me and tried to put me in a blender. When I protested, she said "but haven't you heard? Fairy liquid cleans more ditches".

Nanette Newman came round for a cup of fairy liquid this morning. She had been in a coma for 7 weeks, having been knocked unconscious by her own bra in a bizarre skateboarding accident. The soapy aroma of fairy-soft suds soon did the trick.

Flying Down to Rio was filmed in technichrome, allowing for a very exciting full range of greys.

Oranges are the only fruit. Apples and bananas are just pretending.

Stiff Records folded after the creation of the floppy disk.

The Victorians suppressed the hitherto unpublished last chapter of the Bible after Revelations, where Eve wakes up and sees Adam in the shower.

There are silverfish who live in Barnstaple who are trying to steal my hair.

Yesterday, G.W.Bush officially announced to the U.N. that the U.S.of A. was no longer the most powerful nation in the world, but no one heard him as his P.A. wouldn't work.

I caused the US power outages - sorry! I *thought* a 3 amp fuse would be enough...

[blame] I know several people who want to talk to you about that. They wanted to present you with this marvellous sponge cake, although they also said that it wasn't very well cooked what with the oven being out, and they had to just do the best they could by breathing on it in shifts.

Methalated spirits are distilled post mortem from methalated humans.

[Dunx] Sounds lovely!

[Blamelewis, Dunx] If they were serious about baking the cake, they could have heated the oven by lighting their farts.

Trunnions make a delicious accompaniment to leek and shock absorber soup if baked until golden.

An obscure law states that should a ruling monarch be ousted, the throne may be temporarily occupied by a cup of dilute sugar water until a more permanent solution is found.

Bromsgrove is haunted by the ghosts of pilchards

All of Saddam's weapons of mass destruction have been hidden under the bed of an Arizona motel for the last eighteen months.

The rule book is in the Catacombs of Acre.

Elvis Presley had taken it with him on holiday and took a wrong turn while exploring.

While down there, Elvis has written eighteen new albums, devised six entirely new ways of escaping a Dollis Hill loop, and worked out a way to make an everlasting power supply out of used teabags and an elderly vole.

At precisely 5:33 every morning, Alastair Campbell sings 'My Way' at the top of his voice.

[Ibid] I did not just come up with an apparatus to create a power supply out of used teabags and an elderly vole. It has nothing to do with wind power.

Billy Connolly makes eggs with cranberries while Delia Smith was a Glaswegian shipyard welder. The two are often confused.