"Plums and Custard" is the world's least-known euphemism.

I've just bought a 50ft inflatable Karl Marx dummy to put in my back garden and frighten political canvassers.

contrary to popular belief, Elizabeth of Glamis did not infact employ a stunt-double during her career

You're once, twice, three times a looney.

Tony Blair has a tattoo across his back which reads "You score 6 out of 10 for endeavour".

To clear the build up of sludge in your sump, oil pump and lubricant distribution channels, drain all your existing oil from the car and gently pour a small amount of nitroglycerine into the oil filler. Wait five minutes and then start the car.

An attentive day at work is essential for a productive sleep.

today I experienced the laxative effects caused by consuming copious amounts of coconut milk, I enjoyed this experience thoroughly and plan to do it tomorrow again!

today i ruined my trousers, and most of the carpets and internal furnishings of my cave

My middle name is Kumquaat as my father was a tangerine.

Robert Plant was so enamored with Botherer's father that he wrote a song about him.

Cockroaches, quite surprisingly, can only subsist on sago pudding and chutney.

This morning I had to queue for 2 hours in order to go and cast my vote. I voted for the Cream Sponge and Newts Anonymous Party.

I cast my vote and caught a 10lb trout!

The sloths are hungry... would anyone happen to know whether they like liquorice? The wizard said they do but Patrick disagrees

The sloths are hungry... would anyone happen to know whether they like liquorice? The wizard said they do but Patrick disagrees

i am a retired greyhound jockey

I'm a retired greyhound, and extremely relieved that pelgis will no longer ride me around a dirt-track each night in pursuit of a rabbit we'd more easily catch if we intercepted it going the other way.

I am the retired rabbit of the greyhound circuit. I am undefeated. muahahahahahahahhahaahahah!!!!!

"I will get you my opium slave, and your little prescription writer too!"

thumper old rabbits never die they just fade away

No, jock, old rabbits do die, they just die hard.

A Gummi Bear is one who has gotten more than its paws in the honey.

I can count to a million in 10 minutes. Twice.

It is physically impossible to end this game.

A well-deserved win - Projoy's lies were outstanding. *applause*

pen] Lie or not? :P

erm... nope. No lie. That's not to say I could trust Projoy one jot after seeing his performance here... admiring someone's lies is bit of a backhanded complimentisn't it?

But everything I wrote was true!

[Projoy] You can stop lying now. The game is over.

As we're 'below the line' should we be telling the truth now?

The real truth? Ok, here we go.

I once held a party at which everyone got extremely stoned (on what I shall leave to your imagination). We ended up playing 'Animals', not the version we played on the pilg but the strip version where every time you lost and became the chicken you had to take off an item of clothing. It wasn't long before everyone at the party was completely naked.

A friend of mine (for the sake of this I shall call him 'Phil') was an extremely hairy fellow. He was very proud of his nudity and ran outside into our garden (it was late evening and the light was failing). He plucked a chrysanthemum, put it between the cheeks of his bot and jumped up and down in the window so that everyone at the party could see.

We all thought this was so funny that we ran out of the house to join him - and that is how I invented the 'Flower Game'.

To play you need a squarish lawn, a bunch of chrysanthemum and no inhibitions. Simply hold the flower firmly between your cheeks and run around on the lawn trying to catch someone else’s flower without dropping or loosing your own. The last player to retain his flower is the winner.

Do I win £5?

[Btd] Sounds a bit anally retentive to me.

[Projoy] Yup. But it the chrysanthemums I feel sorry for. The game rectum.

Btd] Americans play that version of the 'Flower game' too - but they use aspidistras.