after today's exploits, I think I might become a train conductor. it seems so much fun. in an unrelated note, i'm in love with all three of arriva trains wales, virgin trains and first great western trains.

Lay Lady Lay is a tribute song by Bob Dylan to an egg-bound hen.

Seagulls composed the main part of Gordon Brown's budget.

i have an unexplainable fear of bungelows

pelgis is so scared of bungalows, he(she?) won't even spell the word correctly.

Help help! Retail store fashion mannequins from Next and Burtons have just burst through the door and are shooting everyone with their hands! I reckon that the Birmingham wheel has been used as some kind of mega transmitter device by aliens capable of turning plastic into organic life forms and controlling them with the aim of annihilating humanity! Now where did I leave that bottle of cellulose thinners?

Ha! Fooled you.

i am neither male nor female, my composition is as follows-: wool 28%, tar 16%, lead 17%, digestive biscuit crumbs 13%, vinegar 89%

My only response to anything people tell me is "thanks for sharing".

Scientists have conclusively proved that the most satisfied a human can be is when it has removed all the grit from under its fingernails, provided there are no oranges in the vicinity.

"Tuj" is actually aboriginal for "thanks for sharing".

By rubbing in a tablespoon of lemon juice, a tablespoon of malt vinegar and a tablespoon of single malt whiskey to a stain on white or pale fabric, one can easily add three new types of stain to one's laundry!

My friend Scott is not the living embodiment of Doctor Who.

Tomato ketchup has nipples, it turns out.

John Wayne is alive, well and living in Will Smith's guest annexe.

i often lick stamps when I have nothing to mail

i operate my own trampoline, with all the appropriate permits

The ladies tell me I'm really good in bed- lastnight I slept for almost an hour without falling out of it.....

pelgis...how'd you get so wise?

Today I've been enjoying abnormally frequent intestinal evacuations with fluid stools, my doctor told me it was diarrhoea, and has a tendanancy to run in our family.

[Pelgis] I have a mathematical problem that helps cure constipation. The best way to solve it is to work it out with a pencil.

I am not, in fact here. I am in reality, over there.

neither am I going to Canada next year.

A young lady in down-town Macclesfield repeatedly makes the same observation about the inclemency of the weather. Looks like this is another case for SARCASTIC RABBIT!

Sarcasm is the highest form of wit

SARCASTIC RABBIT must now feature in every fifth move after this one, or Putney Bridge tube station will be demolished.

I'll be voting Conservative this time.

so will I, I like their firm stance over tuition fees (blatant self-interest declared)

I'll be voting.

"My teenage son Clarence is 3'4" tall and prefers dressing in green tights as opposed to the traditional red of the Cringle family. I shall surprise him next Christmas with a strand of my DNA seeing as he does not possess one already."

SARCASTIC RABBIT returns to save Putney Bridge. Good Bunny.

Scientists have observed that coffee is 20-30% more spillable than tea.

I didn't just go to work for an HOUR of training. an HOUR. jings.

coffee must be stirred in an anti-clockwise direction, and tea always clockwise

Cyclones in the Atlantic are caused by careless Japanese tea stirrers.

If Beckham quits football, he will not starve, he is a fully qualified postman.

Phew! Just in time.

[Sarcastic Rabbit] Scut!

In England and Wales, any citizen may establish a local tradition by application to English Heritage (Office of Tradishment), with documentary evidence that the prospective traditional act has been carried out in the same public place in at least three consecutive years, by a group of not less than five people on each occasion. Known as a Listed Tradition, it is then legally required to be performed in perpetuity or until delisted by permission of the same body.

I used to be the person who reads the dictionary on Countdown, but I left to become a team captain on Call My Bluff. After 13 highly successful seasons on the show, I was awarded the OBE in 1992 and died at my home near Clacton-on-Sea two years later, aged 84.