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... so help me God.
help
I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...
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I got a magic eye book for Christmas and after staring at it for half an hour I realised the image looked exactly like Paul Daniel's retina.
I've returned 2005 as the sleeves were too short and exchanged it for a nice 1988 instead.
[Thos] I was told that magic eye series includes a book of famous asses in 3D, so it may not have been Paul Daniel’s retina after all. It may have been his donkey.
Money is only a problem when you don't have planty of it
customers are lovely, especially when they don't seem to want to leave, when we all do.
My nearest zebra crossing has been moved as it keeps sending the barcode readers in Sainsburys haywire.
I had a swede come through at work without a barcode. I think he rather enjoyed my search for it.
Toads. That is all I have to say.
I love a vacuum.
I love embezzlement.
hey, I love embezzlement too.
I have kissed a lot of toads.
silly string is neither string nor particularly silly.
I see MC5 is down again.
yes, and I'm dancing on hats about it.
Two beakers of tea and a wagon wheel. That is all I have to say.
I told a customer to kiss my arse today.
A customer kissed my arse today. It's no life being a prostitute.
I've got a luvverly bunch of coconuts.
And I like to shout about it... *oops!*
botherer bothers me in a bothersome way.
The Stationery Office has renamed itself the Stationary Office and located itself to a caravan - but clamped the wheels.
I went to my aerobic waltz class last night and had the misfortune to slip in a puddle of bull semen that had been left by the Young Farmers.
High frequency electric current is our friend.
I can't believe it's not butter is, in reality, butter.
If you chuck a spider it will purr.
Why all paediatricians love centipedes is one of the great mysteries of the world.
Butterflies are so named because they milk the cows before the farmer is awake and then nick off.
Cheese is the essence of butterflies.
Slugs are homeless snails.
I'd be prepared to bet that 'Slugs are homeless snails' has never been said before.
Inanities are the spice of life.
Insanity is normal.
Normalised campanologists are those who fit into a particular bell curve.
Big Ben was named after Tinnitus the Celtic god of hearing.
The phrase 'hear, hear' is often misused by those who exclaim 'here, here' simply because they wish to draw attention to themsleves.
Those who propound the theory that 'Life is a bitch and then you die' have never visited an MC site.
Live and let die - unless it's a kitten.
The RSPCA is a wonderful organisation and has taken steps to reduce the costs of euthanasia; they now employ people to scour the night-time streets in order to reduce the numbers of animals being admitted to their shelters. This ensures that your charitable contributions go further than ever before.
All babies should be microchipped at birth. This will not only save money on passports, drivers licences and topless go-go dancers but will rid television of silly forensic dramas.
I'm off now to dig up my own grave. There's nothing suspicious about this, I just want to make sure that the death certificate is correct.
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