Those who propound the theory that 'Life is a bitch and then you die' have never visited an MC site.

Live and let die - unless it's a kitten.

The RSPCA is a wonderful organisation and has taken steps to reduce the costs of euthanasia; they now employ people to scour the night-time streets in order to reduce the numbers of animals being admitted to their shelters. This ensures that your charitable contributions go further than ever before.

All babies should be microchipped at birth. This will not only save money on passports, drivers licences and topless go-go dancers but will rid television of silly forensic dramas.

I'm off now to dig up my own grave. There's nothing suspicious about this, I just want to make sure that the death certificate is correct.