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... so help me God.
help
I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...
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A seven course meal in Australia consists of a meat pie and a six-pack.
Have you ever seen the bronzed warriors, sometimes known as 'iron men', with muscles on their gut? They are the ones who have never learned how to use a ring-pull.
when TROLLing a slight twist of the forearm as you swing your CLUB will send the head sailing a good fathom farther
also, a slight follow through of the shoulder will increase your drive by threefold
and when taken by complete surprise the wind, escaping through the gaping cavern of the poet's astonished maw, makes a lovely SCREAMing sound as the dented cranium careens over the castle gate
and it makes quite the impression when it lands
all TROLLing ventures must must meet unanimous approval by the FAMILY
[as per hunting season and number of tags issued via maturity and specie of poet/ess]
however, i must impose a 3 cent tariff on all bullyings, beheadings, bludgeonings, and abductions conducted within my ceremonial stomping grounds [payable direct or collectible by my goon squad] GRUNT! GRUNT! SLOBBER! GRUNT! and DROOL!
~TROLL †
Trolls do not exist!
Reading the "221b Acre Street" game in the Yorkives is a healthy way to spend an evening. Well, into the night too.
Postmans Knock is a type off illness.........Raw knuckles and swollen knee joints are good indicators of Postmans knock. It should be treated with a pint of ice cold Guiness and a meat pie therapy.........
Its taken me 40 years to realize I can neither spell nor type correctly........oh bugger!!!
Gob-y-degan is a great spot to eat cheese and pickle sandwiches, but not when its windy!!
Using the wonder that is intel/centrino mobile technology I am able to log onto the Tint'ernet whilst sitting in the comfort of my outside toilet!
"Be vewy vewy kwiet, I am hunting WABBITS!"
One is a figment of one's own imagination.
Two is a get together of a schizophrenic one and his alternate personality.
The Inuit use stuffed Penguins as decoys against attacks by Kangeroos.
You may see an inkspot but I see a penguin dropped from high altitude.
Sligo is the world centre of excellence for potato growing
The only man who ever managed to control nipple creep was Napoleon Bonaparte.
The only way is up.
I can project my thoughts into your head merely by typing them here.
A projectile is a roofing material launched into place via trebuchet.
A speed camera will not work if you hold your breath as you drive past it.
Nothing says I love you like a sodium saucepan.
Men with buckets on their heads are always called Stalin.
The World Compound Forming Championships will be held next March.
I have spent the last half hour sucking sand through a straw into my mouth.
When the temperature reaches 88 degrees fahrenheit, the universe reboots. But it does it so quickly no-one notices.
King Sweb ruled Britain from 1435 to 1437.
Anyone spelling the word "weird" incorrectly is, in theory, liable to being deported.
"Square Peg's" and "Round Holes" are both plumbers firms from Doncaster.
The city of Jerusalem is entirely constructed from bananas.
Creating postcards from playing cards sellotaped together and then posting them to someone in the next county is a healthy thing to do.
Hamburgers are made from hampster meat.
I did not deliberately incorrectly spell "hamster" in the previous entry.
Ken Livingstone is in fact the shell of a human being hollowed out and robotically controlled by a newt from the inside.
Horoscopes are ALWAYS right.
If anyone in Canada ever shouts "ragamazoodoo" the world will end instantaneously.
Mullets - the height of fashion indeed.
The saying "Where there's muck there's brass", is total bollox. I've been upto my armpits in various types of tish for the last week or so (mostly human !!!) and I'm still skint!!
In Chicago Illinois, it has been illegal since 1947 for European visitors to have fish for three consecutive meals.
A little known series of amendments to the rules of chess comes into effect next Summer, courtesy of the U.S. Sports Writers' Association and FOX TV. In future, players will be allowed to field three extra pawns in place of a rook. Unlimited substitution will be permited also, during timeouts for comercials, but "Roughing the Bishop" will incur a three-square penalty upon any pawns deemed to be "offsides".
I don't remember being very good at this game. Allegedly.
This time, however, I'm definitely going to win.
No man is an island, but one girl is. Her name is Tracy.
One tyme I got stuck on an Island, but her name wasn't Tracy.
I won a free trip to an island called Traphick, I was told it's near Rhodes.
All Rhodes lead to Rome
Keith Floyds sister Pink is opening a new cafe in Manchester, selling authentic Victorian take-away meals...........
A clock accurate to less than half a second each second can easily be manufactured using a piece of string not less than nineteen inches long, fourteen blueberries, and the juice of a Seville orange.
The borogroves are unusually mimsy this afternoon.
On my spare Tuesdays, I like to ride a cock-horse through the markets of Didcot. I have made twenty appearances in the local press in this way.
Clams have a little-suspected sense of humour. They frequently like to congregate on the sea bed and watch old episodes of The Golden Girls
Oysters, on the other hand, prefer the 24 hour news channel.
French steeplejacks will often utter the word 'Botkin' for no apparent reason whatsoever.
Light can travel at the speed of light.
The Earth's core is an amalgam of molten rock, biscuits and very hot jam.
Cows are wonderful for urban gardens as they moo the grass.
Strip mines are very popular with spectators because of all the naked women who work there.
The mantle in your gas light is made from the very best Harris Tweed.
Paraffin is made from the flight feathers of parrots and the dorsal fins of sharks.
It is widely known, amongst paraffin connoisseurs, that the Blue MacCaw and the Great White combine to make the best quality paraffin. The most common, and cheapest, paraffin is the budgie / tiger shark blend.
The archer's targets are 70 meters away. That is about as far as they run in the 100 meters. </lie>(Or something like that, heard during Olympic commentary).<lie>
But Lord Archer made 81 meters. </lie>If TBT said it, it must be true!<lie>
I'm in denial
No you're not.
Theatre reviewers all have to abide by a special EU code to maintain the supply of certain adjectives. There are quotas for particular descriptors, and the reviewer gets subsidised for using them. The quality of the show reviewed is immaterial.
Benjamin Disraeli amused himself by bringing a new handbag every time he made an appearance in the Commons. To raucous approval by members, he would hold the handbag aloft before speaking. It was the foundation of a tradition and all Prime Ministers since have brought a purse or clutch bag to the Commons, usually discreetly concealed in the lining of their trousers.
I stopped running Marathons when they changed the name to Snickers........"What you been doin mate?" "Oh I've just ran the London snickers!"..........
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