I invented binary. -1!

I invented the binary -1, and shelves.

i invented a propetual motion machine but couldent keeb the thing running for more than five minuts.

I invented a robot that doesn't work in order to give the unemployed a break.

I've got a luvverly buch of coconuts ....

OK - maybe I meant 'bunch'

I've got a luvverly Buch of coconuts, which I picked up in Bonn from a man who bore a striking resemblance to Terry Jones.

It is a little known fact that Terry Jones is actually Aled Jones's dad.

...and his mother is Catherine Zeta Jones.

Catherine was, of course, the Jones's sixth child.

I invented the Greek alphabet so Welsh women could have odd middle names.

Catherine's father being Tom Jones of course.

Her uncle is Griff Rhys Jones

Terry Jones' father was Tommy Lee Jones. Aled Jones' long lost brother is James Earl Jones.

I could go on like this all day

It's all lies. They're all Smiths in disguise. There is no such thing as a Jones.

Yes, that is true. Half of the Smiths family changed their names to Jones when their cousin, W.H., opened his first newsagent. The reason for this defection? They were alergic to newspapers. They developed a black rash on their fingers whenever they came into contact with one.