Masking tape is specifically designed for use in carnival masks.

Things I Like most in life.........Tea, beer, football, curry, women........but mostly over the next few weeks it will be numbers 1-3 in reverse order!!! with number 4 thrown in at some point. Number 5 is out for the next week or so........and the fun starts today!!!

Arthur Beanstock invented the spit valve for brass wind instruments in 1822. He died 3 years later after the valve on his Blenkinsop Tuba failed and he aspirated 2 gallons of sputum!!!

Since our state government issued the edict that railway trains arriving five minutes after the timetabled schedule are 'on time' and that those arriving less than ten minutes late are 'within acceptable parameters' the whole metropolitan network has been working like clockwork and commuters are really, really pleased to see that the powers that be are so considerate, caring and proactive when it comes to their welfare.

The mere thought of aspirating 2 gallons of sputum does not sicken me in the least.

According to my doctor, I have 'grassy chumps'.

My doctor is ten-pin bowling champion of the world. His entire vocabulary consists of the phrase "The machines are digging".

It is obligatory in Latvia to greet everyone by saying "Hello Irene", except your spouse, to whom you may say "Hello Iain".

Entertainment at its best comes in the form of a London party magician called "Sando the Grate". He had an assistant called Janet, but she kinda got cut up a bit, without the putting-back-together.

The proof of the pudding is on the scoresheet.

One day, the future of the human race will be decided by a game of croquet between an animated doormat and a jar of chutney. It's going to be a draw.

154 is greater than 155, as Newton proved but didn't tell anyone. They were switched back on the sly by the Copenhagen group in the 30's.

If you are whitewashed in a game of pool, you must run naked to the nearest set of traffic lights, press the button and wait. Walk calmly across, then run back to your clothes.

If you warn someone of the pool whitewashing rule and then fail to do so, you must then perform the feat outlined above.

The Queen's closest advisor is The Royal Bletherer.

Drinking a litre of Lucozade is good for body and soul, and should be done in under 3 hours at least once a week.

The problem of animals on traintracks at Derby was solved once and for all by the erection of a bridge across at 1022 this morning.

Stalybridge still runs on Railway time so we are at this present time 32 years behind the rest of the UK......Anyone got change for a 10 bob note?

George Bush is set to the Japanese international time zone. Eric Morecambe, in his day, ran on BST all year round, excepting the fourth finger on each hand.