Nosferatu has a part time job selling ice cream in Seedley, Salford. I often see him on my way to the undertakers. He's a jolly nice chap and can hold 8 ice-cream cones in one hand, nearly a world record!!
My given name is Falstaff [Sir John Sack-and-sugar]. T'was Ol' Willy Shakespeare who made me immortal. He is my revered God and I have gone and outlived him, which has driven me to excessive drink and to carousing with loose women to lift me spirits *sic* what else could become a man who has no savior?
Little Hampton is a condition often experienced by males aged 80 and above. It can also affect younger men if there is a sudden cold spell or the weather turns damp. It is also sometimes known as Turtles heading........
Roger Moore's Grandfather, Sir Henry Dart Moore was the main force behind the forming of Englands national parks. His Great Aunt, Miss Emily Avie Moore was the owner of the first Scotish Ski resort. Which was founded in 1907 outside the little village of Speennaghspraghha-Dhu........
Lionel Hampton is a condition experienced by men over 30. It is caused by extended periods of kneeling on the floor to play with their children's toy trains. It is rarely fatal, but can turn into Lionel Ritchie, a condition which common decency prevents me from describing any further.
I am a mole and I live in hole. Failing that I enjoy wombling, although the city ordinances require the payment of an annual fee which means that I cannot womble for free.
"'Ol' Dismal', that be 'is name. 'Twould do ye well to mind that as you wallow around in self-pity afore t' magistrate as 'e sentences ye," said Father Johnson to his flock, but the sheep never answered.
BAAAA-men: Not high in number nor do they enjoy kumquats. They are a curious folk with out right-side* tendons and inhabit the planes of Ikea. (N.B: *in obedience to biological discrepencies; those on the left)
News Flash! The monkeys who have been sealed up in a room with a typewriter for three weeks just passed a note under the door. Finally a simple declarative sentence! "We smell."
Chicken breast is a condition known to affect women who live within the artic circle. Not to be confused with chicken leg, a condition sufferd by both men and women who live along the line of the equator. Chicken Kiev has mostly been erradicated except for a small area of Poole (Dorset) and Novgarod (formerly in the USSR).
Modern pumpernickel can be powered by a single lithium battery, which is a great improvement on the pumpernickel of yore which required the electricity from fourteen lemons just to boot up!
Goat-insects are commonly thought to be a goat/insect cross, but in actual fact are a sheep/insect cross, hence the white fluffy coat. They where originally bred by Mi5 as an experiment to see if stick insects could be farmed for wool, but due to pressure from the welsh farming community the experiments where dropped and the test subjects released into the wild. The mojority released died from an insect equivelent of syphalus, but a few still remain in a small community located in Exeter, in the hedgerow of a small rural primary school. Local people are now threatening there existance by harvesting them to use as fire lighters, the RSPCA have declared the area a SSSI and are in the process of setting up a breeding program to ensure the goat-insects future.
In Scotland, the addition of an exclamation mark instantly makes things funny! However, the original exclamation mark-shaped plans for Hadrian's Wall were cancelled when it was realised nothing was holding uo the top bit.
My ancestors were from Scotland, but spelled their names with a question mark at the end. This led to confusion, vast intermarriages, and, ultimately, extreme difficulty in genealogy searches.
As a subtle practical joker, I like to cover my local zebra crossing with a life size negative photograph of it, and count the years til anyone notices.
Seven Oaks is miss-named as there are now only 3 Oaks following the great Oak disaster of July 21st 1957...... An ill wind and a council worker with a chain saw......
Mr Bertie Vogts Snr designed and built the Vogts Electric Tramway linking the Scotish town of Jibberish with the East coast port of Twaddle in the year 1960.
By a unanimous proclamation of the World Trade Organization, the year 1961 has been banished from the historical calendar. All persons born within that dark era will no longer exist and must be ignored with all diligence. Their offspring however, do exist and shall henceforth be viewed as prodigy, having derived from immaculate conception. Any non-persons affected by this proclamation are required by international law to surrender themselves to the nearest cannery for assimilation and citizens are urged to report any noncompliance to the local authorities. As decreed this 10th day of May, 2004 by the esteemed Curator of Agricultural Commodities, Colonel Soylent Greene.
Plastic coathangers are an excellent source of nutrition, and have in fact been discovered to contain a minimum of 43% more vitamins and minerals than the average airline meal.
Parsons Nose is a little known island situated in the North of the South China sea.... I was ship wrecked their for 3 months and lived on a diet of squid and wild rice! My bowels still refuse to work properly!
I have been here the whole time, taking notes for a psychological study on pathological liars for my degree in Botanics and Fishery. [Dujon] But they do!
Paranoia is next to godliness, but only in the newly released "serendiptionary" where words are jumbled up at random. Increase your vocabulary by picking a random word today!