mc5 - ... so help me God.

ZK

For the first time in Oscar history, the "Most Cheerful Leading Actor Nominee" honour was awarded jointly to Bill Murray and Sean Penn.

Bob the dog

I fell headlong into a cesspit today and was suprised to discover two lovers having a secret rendezpoo.

ZK

I once knew a greasy Pole. His english was quite difficult to understand but he was otherwise very charming.

Projoy

I have a marmalade hard drive.

ZK

Jam is a myth invented by the Chinese.

ZK

Every Tuesday I have performed an intricate jazz dance on top of the Empire State Building to "Soldier of Love". I find it does wonders for my health, particularly my feet.

ZK

More women in Britain go into labour during "Balamory" than during any other programme.

ZK

Orlando Bloom has just delighted the world by announcing his intentions to become a Tibetian monk.

ZK

Monica Lewinsky is the host of a brand new show on LivingTV called Cockles and Muscles about the love lives of fishermen.

ZK

Will Young tried to enter himself on the show, but they caught him.

ZK

If you feed cotton buds to sheep, every time you shear them you'll get nylon.

ZK

Cashew nuts are harvested from sneezing squirrels.

ZK

Edward Monkton cards are self-explanatory.

plump

I have a glass ear, pardon?

Bob the dog

I used to get out of games at school by telling everyone I had a glass face, until somebody saw through it.

Bob the dog

I've already mentioned that I have sacked my head waiter, middle manager and footman. But I have decided to keep my head-girl.

Projoy

Mexican trains are pulled by esteem engines. This explains the universal respect they enjoy.

Projoy

Rational thinking is impossible when the subject is pears, because of the high unreason fields that surround them.

Projoy

Every morning I go down to the gravity well at the bottom of the garden and draw a bucket of gravity, which I use throughout the day to prevent me floating.