My first job was with a maritime salvage company - I even bought shares in the company - but I left when they were delisted. sorry!

I used to think I had my career all mapped out when I trained as a cartographer, but that, too, folded.

I was a video editor, but I just couldn't cut it.

I used to work for King Midas, until I was given the golden handshake.

I used to work at Mornington Crescent, but they told me my job was on the line.

I used to write crosswords, but as it turned out I was clueless.

I fully understand, Tina. I used to bury myself in the cryptics, but - being an alien - I was interred.

Then again, I used to be a director of an orange juice company - I was squeezed out.

The job before that was with a laundrette mob, but they hung me out to dry.

I used to be a model for the M&S catalogue. When I told them it was a pants job, they debriefed me.

Myself, I've been training in the medical field. For a while I worked as an opthamologist's assistant, but we just didn't see eye-to-eye. I tried to switch to cardiology, but my heart just wasn't in it. Then, I thought maybe I could fake it as an X-ray technician, but the supervisor saw right through me. The only job left was in proctology, and obviously, it's a real pain in the arse.

I made cuddly toys for a little while, but I stuffed it up.

I used to work in a chemist before they dispensed with my services.

A year ago I couldn't spell educated. Now I are it.

I used to shear sheep, but then I was fleeced.

I used to survey cul-de-sacs until I realised it was a dead end job.

I used to work in a pyschological testing laboratory, but I wanted to get out of the rat race.

I used to have a lounge act singing Frank Sinatra songs, but when the Summer Wind came along I looked for something else to doobie-doobie-do.

I tried to move from choir conducting to bus conducting but it didn't quite work out and in the end I had to go back to my old job and face the music.

I used to be a male escort, but I was laid off.
Afterwards, I tried to be a plumber, but that went down the crapper as well.

I used to be a telephonist, but I got transferred.

I used to be a virus checker but &^£%__$£G B*%&GK UY&%&PGG JH*& (&^^& %&) ?:@~{KJJGF DFSQD!£ ¬"?>LJZ ||~LIU ITU.

I used to be the speaking clock, until the management gave me a hard time.

I was almost given the lead part in Castaway, but they said that I was washed up. I mistook this for an insult and turned it down.

i uused too bee a prove reeder.

I used to be a dermatologist, but I got itchy feet

I'm a national tree surgeon. I have branches everywhere.

I loved my job in the neon light factory. It was a gas!

I used to work at a funeral palour until I was sacked for being late.

I used to pluck ducks but the job got me down.

It have been looking in here every day recently. My brother and his friends didn't circulate some emails last year with some excessively clean and unfunny job description puns and I'm not at all tempted to post them in here. They simply aren't rude enough.

I actually became a tree surgeon due to a flash of inspiration - I was leafing through the job adverts when suddenly I twigged.

I used to be a p0rn star, but I couldn't keep it up. I tried to go into menswear sales but was told I was unsuited.