Are your expressive movement classes for five-year-old rigorous?

And do you take photos of them during swimming class?

Yes, I know the authorities don't like it but I still like to carry a cane with me. I even have ball-gags and handcuffs for when I do the public schools.

Yes, I always do my inspections wearing the gimp suit. Why do you ask?

Sorry, but I'm a naturist, and if you don't like it - tough!

There are no bad students, only bad teachers.

These children are not special neeeds with behaviorial problems but are disobediant brats, disrupting the teacher and should be immediatley excluded.

My belief is that the free market is a self-controlling mechanism that can be applied to education as much as to anything else. You advertise lessons, teachers compete to get a share of the student market and students use their purchasing power either to get into the lessons they like, or to skip classes and spend the cash at the chippie instead, in the full awareness of the future impact this will have on their earning power in the job market. It works very efficiently, and it drives up results because the students are incentivised to remain committed to the course of study they have paid for, since there are no second chances, while the students who would fail are less likely to enrol in the first place.

There are no bad teachers, only bad students.

[Projoy] Excellent idea!

[Raak] Yes, until he returns the next year, saying: "Local youth violence is a major problem for this school, so let us use the market to find a solution. The children should now be additionally empowered to spend some of their otherwise learning-directed funds on the secure bus to protect them from being attacked on the way home. Those older children who did no lessons last year and who graduated with no employable qualifications are in any case now quite likely to leave for another part of the EU, say, where employment is more plentiful. You see? The market operates optimally to bring about real happiness. All is for the best in this best of all possible worlds."

[Projoy] Er, there's already a problem with youth violence.

Before we begin, I need to see your lesson plan with expected learning outcomes and measurable evaluation targets, its assessment by the school's quality assessment process, your constructive response to the assessment, documentation of agreed action items arising, your plan for implementing them, the quality assessment of the renewed plan, and evidence of your reflective examination of the quality process. I will also be assessing your adherence to the agreed lesson plan and interviewing you afterwards regarding any deviations from the plan and eliciting your suggestions for how you can improve your performance in the future.

[Rosie] I don't know, but they should be.

Everyone knows the only real purpose of primary school is childminding, so if you just keep the kids from beating each other up, that'll do fine.

Another? How about

---

Employment Office Worker

A job? Don't make me laugh, anyone who's serious about wanting a job finds one on their own. All we do here is make no-hopers like you show willing by getting you to sign up for timewasting courses on self-presentation before we let you on the dole.

What do you want my advice on jobhunting for? Have you seen what I do for a living?

Have you thought of a career in (rolls a handful of dice...consults a long table) typewriter repairs?

Don't you try to tell me what sort of job you want, you useless piece of shit! You'll take whatever I give you and bloody well do it or that's the end of your dole! And say yes sir thank you sir, or forget about ever coming back here again!

I've a few openings here for people with experience in organised crime...

You're a woman, what do you want a job for?

£57.63p? How can you possibly run a brothel on that? Here, have £500.

I've a couple of plum spots for the right candidate. Do you speak Arabic?

You don't want to be working, look, I know this bloke who'll fix you up with a whole series of benefit scams like the one's I'm running.

How about dinner tonight, and then if you come round to my place we can discuss what sort of job I might be able to find you, if you show me you're the right sort of girl.

---

That one's slowed down, so time for another. The cast so far:

Police Constable
Supermodel
Brain Surgeon
Farmer
Electrician
Car Mechanic
MC Coach
Evil Henchperson
Museum Curator
Somellier
Relationship Counsellor
Blacksmith
Nuclear Physicist
Shepherd
Stand-up Comic
Prostitute
Speaking Clock
Personal Trainer
Anthropomorphic Personification
Pope
Prime Minister
Taxi Driver
DVD Store Salesperson
Hospital Radio DJ
Weather Forecaster
School Inspector
Employment Office Worker

Member of Parliament

Yeah, I like to think of myself as an independent thinker, answerable to no-one.

I applied because I wanted to have a steady 9 to 5 48 week a year job.

Well, my first priority is to annex the Sudetenland.

This green leather is so passé. I move we have the whole chamber redone in chintz.

I'm a firm believer in democracy, which is why we should do away with Parliament and elections, put the opposition into concentration camps, and reinstitute a new feudal system for the new century with everyone having their place in a true democracy.

National Anthem? Of course I know it: Allons ! Enfants de la Patrie ! Le jour de gloire est arrivé !... oops! (This really happened in Belgium last month)

WHO'S THE WANKER IN BLAAACK?