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Give quotes that suggests the person would be better seeking more suitable employment.
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We once again apologise for the spate of heart attacks yesterday when we announced that we would be doing an extended investigation into Youth in Asia. We have now renamed this Young People of the East.
[nfras] Hee hee! Had to think about that one.
"And now, we will air a segment entitled The Patient Files. The word around the water cooler is that the patient in room 101 has not been taking his medication. If you are listening, Mr. Macavity, your hearing aid has been found in your bedpan once again. Please take the suppository out of your ear and assume the usual stance. Oh, that's right! You can't hear me! Bummer!"
We'd like to welcome a new surgeon to the team, Mr Hamish Dalmeny-Invergordon. Let's pipe him aboard, punters, with Bobby Darin's Mack the Knife.
Between you and me, the sister in ward 10 really screams when she comes.
I'll get me lab coat
"AWOOGA! AWOOGA! ... Jiggedy! Jiggedy! ... Who's your daddy now, nurse in training, Johnson? ... *gentle moanings* ... Oh! Oh! Oh ... my god, it's like, I think the mike is on! ... PANT! PANT! ... WHOO! WHOO! ... I can't stop now! ... CHUGGA! CHUGGA! ... *gasps* ... Now what were you saying? ... Eeeew! The mike! I think it's on! ... Oh, I'm F**ked! ... *giggles!* "
I'm right behind you
"Good morning listeners! Today we are airing live for the first time from our brand new medical facility on Westhaven Court, to watch the razing of our old hospital on Easthaven Court, in approximately 3 minutes, and counting; overnight, the patients of Easthaven Medical were successfully evacuated and transported to our new location, and explosive charges planted in the basement to implode the entire structure in on itself. It will be a grand sight! I sure hope we did not leave anybody behind!"
Today we are happy to have Dr Watson who many of you will know. Now tell me Dr Watson, why do the other doctors call you Dr Death?
[nfras] A fine one on which to change topic.
Recap: Police Constable, Supermodel, Brain Surgeon, Farmer, Electrician, Car Mechanic, MC Coach, Evil Henchperson, Museum Curator, Somellier, Relationship Counsellor, Blacksmith, Nuclear Physicist, Shepherd, Stand-up Comic, Prostitute, Speaking Clock, Personal Trainer, Anthropomorphic Personification, Pope, Prime Minister, Taxi Driver, DVD Store Salesperson and Hospital Radio DJ.
Weather Forecaster
We've had a call from Mrs S. in Gloucester saying there are floods there. Well, let me reassure you, Mrs S, that our models show there can't be floods, so you're perfectly safe, nothing to worry about.
The weather on Earth tomorrow will be generally windy, sunny, and overcast, rain ranging from showers to torrents, and snowstorms especially in polar regions. Equatorial desert areas will be hot. The long-range forecast indicates a rise in average temperatures of a degree or two over the next century. The Moon continues to be sunny by day with zero cloud cover and temperatures plummeting at night.
"You know, I've been completely lost since that last storm blew my piece of seaweed away."
"This (a cold front) will be moving south and there'll be some weather on it". Verbatim, more or less, from BBC R4 forecaster Kirsty McCabe, the de-rigeur-Scottish-woman-with-the-nasty-tinny-accent-who-knows-little-meteorology-and-will-be-off-doing-something-else-in-the-media-soon. Room 101, poss.
Page 3 girl speaking in a French accent out of a porn film: Zere will be a verree warm frurnt (thrusts infeasibly large chest towards viewer) approsheeng, an' eet will mek me verree verree 'ot, so 'ot zat I must -- to continue watching, enter your credit card details now.
Raak must divulge the channel he saw that on immediately, so we may all appraise the quality of the weather reports.

The Earth will shake and lightning will blaze down from the heavens to scorch the heathen! The ground will be rent asunder and fire and brimstone will issue forth from the cracks to suffocate the ungathered, and the four horsemen of the apocalypse, Famine, War, Disease and Income Tax, will ride amongst the howling masses, reaping from them a harvest of abject misery! Loud will be the screams of those dragged down into the fiery depths to suffer torment eternal! Sunday will be warm with scattered showers.
[SM] Lovely.
[Fessing Up] I vaguely remember something like what I wrote being done when I was a kid. Could have been Marty Feldman, Could have been ISIRTA. I felt it was time for a retread.
"A mild night, with temperatures 4 to 17 Celsius. That should cover it. We have to do this to cover our arses and avoid litigation. Crap, really. Shit! Was the mike on?
And we've just heard that tomorrow God will be on strike and we won't be having any weather at all of any kind.
"Hello, I'm Wincey Willis."
" ... which means we'll see a lot of those fluffy white things."
"Scorchio!"
Christ I'm soaked! I came out without a coat and umberella today.
If it is your fate to be rained on, you will be rained on. God will decide.
Okay people, it's time to spin the "Weather Wheel". Round and round and round she goes, where she'll end up no-one knows. Okay, that's "scattered showers" on the wheel. Now we throw the "Dart o' Prediction" at the Map and ... Brighton (near as dammit)! So that's "scattered showers in the Brighton Area" and we just need to roll the polyhedral Dice of Time and spin the dreidel of duration ... 5 hours starting at 6pm! While I'm figuring out the rest of Britain's weather, why don't we cut to camera three where Josh Atkins is ready at the bingo ping-pong ball machine to give you today's stock market trends and tips.
Let's have a look at what the chicken entrails are showing us today.
Today the San Andreas fault will open, drowning the HEATHEN DENS OF INQUITY of California. The shock will create a great wave that will sweep over the Earth scouring it clean of filth, except for the chosen few whom God in His infinite mercy has suffered to build an Ark to sail on the Flood.
"And if you're out and about watch out for that wind, which could cause structural damage into Thursday across the southern coastal fringes. Can't tell you the direction because we don't do vectors until Year 10."
[nfras]
<sings>Ayrton Senna has the voice of a tenor, Peter Snow sings very low, Mark Burano is a soprano, John Kettley, John Kettley, John Kettley... is a weatherman
John Kettley is a weatherman, a weatherman, a weatherman
John Kettley is a weatherman and so is Michael Fish
And so is Billy Giles
And so... is Ian... McCaskill...
... And so is Wincey Willis</sings>
[Sierra Mike] My parents occasionally quote a weather forecast from (probably) "That Was The Week That Was" in which the forecaster says, very dryly, "Sorry about that, Egypt." In fact it's become a bit of a family catchphrase. I've just done a quick search and found this:
As a freshman at Cambridge, Idle played a weatherman in a skit called ''BBC BC,'' written by the older Cleese: ''Over the whole of Egypt, plague followed by floods, followed by frogs, and then death of all the firstborn -- sorry about that, Egypt.''
so it seems that that wasn't the first time it had been used. However, I don't think it was Eric Idle that performed it on TV, but I can't remember who it was
There will be flooding in the north due to the heavy rain of the last few days, which was due to the cold front pushing in from the Atlantic, which...my God, it never ends, does it? Every day's weather is caused by the previous day's -- and causes the next! But that means...that the Earth must always have existed...and it always will exist...our entire lives are to Eternity as less than an atom in the whole universe! We are nothing! Aieeeee!
There will be a 33.25% chance of rain today and a 12.5% chance of snow. Sunshine is 8% likely and a warm dry day with no sun is a 25% chance. Cool and overcast is 20% likely. So that leaves a 1.25% chance of no weather at all. I'm Peter Snow, goodnight.
If you're going out today, make sure to take with you 40% of an umbrella, 10% of a pair of wellies, and 5% of a tube of sunblock.
[Raak] I was watching the weather report the other day and it stated a 50% chance of rain, essentially meaning that either it will rain or it won't. How very helpful.
(nfras) What would you like them to have said, given the inherent uncertainty in weather forecasting?
[Rosie] "It could do anything, if you look out of your window you'll have a better idea than we do."
Are the stars out tonight? I don't care if it's cloudy or bright, for I only have eyes for yooooou...!
Owing to a widespread attack of pathetic fallacy, tomorrow's weather will be determined by the collective mood of the populace. So please cheer up, you miserable buggers.
Tomorrow will be muggy, The next day will be tuggy, followed by wuggy, thuggy and fuggy.
Eh-oh!
Another? How about
School Inspector
I was a first class teacher and an exceptional head.
Look, just hit the little buggers. I won't tell anyone.
I was a first class teacher and give exceptional head.
Funny, I never could spell.
You forgot the "e" on "potato", boy.
'Ave you got a loight, boy?
Are your expressive movement classes for five-year-old rigorous?
And do you take photos of them during swimming class?
Yes, I know the authorities don't like it but I still like to carry a cane with me. I even have ball-gags and handcuffs for when I do the public schools.
Yes, I always do my inspections wearing the gimp suit. Why do you ask?
Sorry, but I'm a naturist, and if you don't like it - tough!
There are no bad students, only bad teachers.
These children are not special neeeds with behaviorial problems but are disobediant brats, disrupting the teacher and should be immediatley excluded.
My belief is that the free market is a self-controlling mechanism that can be applied to education as much as to anything else. You advertise lessons, teachers compete to get a share of the student market and students use their purchasing power either to get into the lessons they like, or to skip classes and spend the cash at the chippie instead, in the full awareness of the future impact this will have on their earning power in the job market. It works very efficiently, and it drives up results because the students are incentivised to remain committed to the course of study they have paid for, since there are no second chances, while the students who would fail are less likely to enrol in the first place.
There are no bad teachers, only bad students.
[Projoy] Excellent idea!
[Raak] Yes, until he returns the next year, saying: "Local youth violence is a major problem for this school, so let us use the market to find a solution. The children should now be additionally empowered to spend some of their otherwise learning-directed funds on the secure bus to protect them from being attacked on the way home. Those older children who did no lessons last year and who graduated with no employable qualifications are in any case now quite likely to leave for another part of the EU, say, where employment is more plentiful. You see? The market operates optimally to bring about real happiness. All is for the best in this best of all possible worlds."
[Projoy] Er, there's already a problem with youth violence.
Before we begin, I need to see your lesson plan with expected learning outcomes and measurable evaluation targets, its assessment by the school's quality assessment process, your constructive response to the assessment, documentation of agreed action items arising, your plan for implementing them, the quality assessment of the renewed plan, and evidence of your reflective examination of the quality process. I will also be assessing your adherence to the agreed lesson plan and interviewing you afterwards regarding any deviations from the plan and eliciting your suggestions for how you can improve your performance in the future.
(Raak) Are you sure this person is unsuitable for the job?
[Rosie] I don't know, but they should be.
Everyone knows the only real purpose of primary school is childminding, so if you just keep the kids from beating each other up, that'll do fine.
Another? How about
Employment Office Worker
A job? Don't make me laugh, anyone who's serious about wanting a job finds one on their own. All we do here is make no-hopers like you show willing by getting you to sign up for timewasting courses on self-presentation before we let you on the dole.
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