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Bit of a set-up this one: Anthropomorphic personification

<diplomatic> I can't quite see what's required here.</diplomatic>

[Rosie] I think perhaps Simons' title is too broad. He may be asking for "furry fandom" input, on the other hand he may, for example, mean the tall skeleton with the hooded black robe and the scythe. I think clarification is required before any posts can be made, or we'll all be confused.

Is it the old Goon Show joke?
"Would you like to see my impressions of wax fruit?"
"Can you do a banana?"
Pause... "In the privacy of your own home, you CAN do a banana."

[gil] It's your turn in the barrel.

If any of those ****ing brats are wake up when I go to get the tooth they can ****ing swing for their ****ing pound

[all] Ah, I see what you mean. I did intend to cover all forms of avatar, including the bony chap, but in hindsight that is a bit broad. Carry on with the tooth fairy?

Dear Lucy,
            Your recent payment of one incisor was credited to your account yesterday. Be aware that due to shifts in certain volatile market assets you are currently in a position of significant negative equity vis-a-vis your dental assemblage. I have regretfully decided to foreclose on your remaining debt and would appreciate your payment of the outstanding balance (currently assessed at two canines, a premolar, two molars and a wisdom tooth) by close of business Thursday.

Yours Sincerely,

T. Fairy.

Yes little girl, you can have a rummage around in Santa's sack. No, I leave the big one at the North Pole, this one is more, sort of, Santa's pouch.

Upper right two and four, lower right three and two lower left one. Come on.

A pink podume to anyone who recognises the above quote. It was brought to my mind by the death of Dick Vosburgh last week.

Oh gawd, its nearly dawn and I can't get rid of these nicotine stains!

"Little boy, would you like to come sleepover at my Neverland ranch?"

[bob] Coffee all over the place.

*jangling chord* NOBODY expects Santa Claus! Our two weapons are our sinister laugh *HO HO HO* and our menacing red cloak -- and our minute record of all your sins... Our three weapons...

What about your knobbly sack?

Among our multiple and diverse weapons of terror are these: our sinister laugh *HO HO HO*, our menacing red cloak with the furry bits, our record of your sins, our knobbly sack, and our little elves. Will you confess now, or must we play you -- THE JINGLE BELLS! *evil maniacal laughter*

"£14.50, Johnny. That'll teach you to sleep with your head under the pillow." © T. Pratchett

[isp] ouch!!! LOL

Time for a change?

---

Pope

"Mazel tov... oops"

"Can't we get some birds in and have a knees-up?"

"Get that arse!"

"La ilaha illa Allah. Muhammadun rasulullah."

The creation story's not meant to be taken literally...

I am so totally not gonna wear that dumb hat in public!

"Erm... I appear to have a turret in my car, but someone's nicked the machine gun..."

"You know what women are like".

I talk to God...

"Hi! I'm David Icke!"

What do you mean, women aren't allowed to be Pope?

Let's do the Spanish Inquisition sketch!

I was only obeying orders!

"Can I get an audience with Bono?"

Dear God, please make it chocolate pudding for lunch today!

Charity to the poor? But I don't understand this. What's in it for us? We need to be maximising our yield, here, not giving the green stuff away! Who hired this nincompoop?

"I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition"

The Church should institute a vow of poverty for all of its officials and servants.

Time to invade Italy and take back my kingdom. Roll out the tanks, Cardinal General Bellarini!

Of course I support a woman's right to choose! What do you think I am, some kind of fascist?

Ma Dad loved his fitba'. Supported Rangers, aye.

What have the Roman Catholics ever done for us?

We need to reexamine our basic brand proposition, and establish new conversations that let our customers talk directly to us. I've hired Mr. Wormwood here from Screwtape.com to create opportunities to enable new user-centred engagement modes and collectively emergent reevaluation of traditional doctrine. To keep up to date on these exciting developments, subscribe to my blog, and read the new College of Cardinals wiki.

(I am delighted to record that rab's spam-detector turned up its nose at that until I invoked the name of our patron saint.)

Yes, I wear the cilice, but it won't show under my papal robes.

That Dan Brown knows his stuff, eh!

Of course I make the odd mistake - we all do. I'm not infallible, you know.

hare krishna, hare krishna, krishnoops!

Do you mind, that's my copy of Watchtower.

Personally, I think Satan's had a very bad press.

Meine Ehre heißt Treue

The porn film was a very, very long time ago. Can't we forgive and forget?

There's these two nuns in a bath, right....

What's all that smoke?

"So you say your are a Merovingian and you have come to collect what?"

Just between us, can't we stop pretending? I mean, no-one inside the Church actually believes any of this stuff, do they?

That would be an ecumenical matter!

[Phil] Feck! Girls!

We need to make the services more relevant to young people of today. How about this? "Asch nazg durbatuluk! Asch nazg gimbatul! Asch nazg thrakatuluk! Agh burzum-ishi krimpatul!" Doesn't that have a ring to it? Much better than all that boring old Latin.

The Vatican's primary purpose is of course sexual. It is a graphic representation of the phallic power of the Catholic Church. [nfras] You forgot Arse!

Jesus f***ing Christ all-f***ing-mighty!

[Phil] :op

"You know me, I'm never right!"

"These condoms don't fit..."

Here's one in poor taste, for a change: Thank heaven for little girls

My secretary's got herself pregnant but fortunately she's going to ged rid of it.

[Rosie] hehehehehehehe

I intend to make the entire Vatican archives public and publish them on the Internet.

"Bad monkey! Bad! Bad! Bad! Bad monkey!"

"Yes, of course I am a woman, what's wrong with that?"

[IS,P!] Thought I'd ignore subtlety for a bit.
"In nomine Patris, et filii et Spiritus Sancti...non verum Deo credo."

I think we should pack in this whole Pope thing and rejoin the Orthodox churches.

Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!

---

And as the would-be Pope is taken away by the Spanish Inquisition, let's hear a Prime Minister talk himself out of a job.

I'm going to be completely honest with you...

All this power - it's wonderful!

I'm not coming in. I'm having a duvet day.

Hello. Madame Fifi's? Can you please send a couple of your girls over. Yes, the front door will be fine.
(come to think of it, that would have done for the previous subject as well)

You got the substances?

We need to consider the true meaning of democracy and consider whether elections are still fit for purpose in the twenty-first century. I see the role of PM not as being given power by the electorate to rule over them for five years but as about an ongoing process of managing their concerns through truly people-centred consultation processes which will achieve a continuity which I believe people really want instead of chopping and changing with every election. If you ask the man in the street what he wants, he doesn't care about abstract political ideologies, he wants the local council to mend holes in the road and he wants the trains to run on time, and going to the polls every few years just creates needless disruption.

I feel compelled to repeat: "Get that arse!"

"My esteemed members of the cabinet, all matters of state are herewith put on hold until further notice, as I am called elsewhere as a matter of urgency. Beginning tomorrow I will be touring with Gilbert and Sullivan with whom I am to be a pirate in The Pirates of Penzance .... flouting my bright silver buckles and my tight shiny pants. Gentlemen, I want to sing and dance!"

(Phil) I don't think you can have that one because without a shadow of doubt extracurricular shagging is a perk of the job and that of several lesser ones in government.

[Rosie] The context I had in mind was during PM's Questions.

I refer the right honorable gentleman to my butt.

What's this "other place" you lot are on about all the time? (Phil) Ah!

"Checkers? Ah,yes! George did mention something about a game plan."

People talk about democracy, but how democratic is it to have a Parliament half filled by people whose job it is to oppose the democractically elected government? When the people choose a government, then that government should be able to carry out its mandate as a team, and teamwork is very important to me, a single team all pulling in the same direction under a single manager. I never forget that we politicians are public servants, carrying out the will of the people, and it makes no sense to have the servants always squabbling about how to do the housekeeping. And as team manager, I am just a servant of the public servants. That's why my first acts as Prime Manager will be to dissolve Parliament and abolish political parties.

As we only obtained 42% of the popular vote at the election we shall only carry out 42% of our manifesto commitments. We shall be inviting the opposition parties to nominate which of their policies they wish us to carry out for them.

We hear a lot about immigration, but emigration is just as much of a problem if not more. Consider. Someone is brought up and educated in this country, and we all contribute to the cost of that, and then they go to university, so on top of the moral debt for their upbringing they incur a monetary debt as well, and then they can just say, thanks for everything, and go abroad to work for some other country. In effect, they are stealing the investment that the state -- and that means every single one of us -- has made in them, and that is something that hurts us all. When someone is mugged in the street, the mugger goes to jail, but when someone mugs the whole country, at present we do nothing at all and that cannot be right. My solution to this is to introduce citizenship accounts, in which every member of society can see exactly where they stand valuewise, and grant exit visas to everyone as long as they are showing a surplus.
       And we also have to address an even bigger problem that I call internal emigration. There are people -- you may know some yourself -- who live in this country and accept all of its benefits, but work over the internet for companies that are not based here, but could be anywhere in the world, creating value for them that should be created here while at the same time living off our resources. What I propose is an Internet Visa, which will ensure that those who can show a genuine need to access international networks can do so without the risk of selling out this country.

No, George.

Yo, yo, Mistah Speaker, Blair in da house-a-commons...
I da Prime MInister
On da left, so I'm sinister
If you oppose
Cos my power roves
From Forth to Finisterre
And it don't finish there,
I go' astonish ya.
I got the A to Zee
O' Crown dependencies.
I got departments
I manage armaments
My influence has confluence from ruins to public nu-i-sance...

People talk about freedom of speech, but how much freedom is there when people cannot go on the Internet for fear of what they may see? How much freedom is there when anyone anywhere can say whatever they like, no matter how odious? Real freedom of speech is the freedom to speak the truth, not the freedom to speak lies. How much freedom is there when anyone can go anywhere in the country, set up in business for themselves, and charge any price they like for anything they are selling, regardless of the harm they may be doing in pursuit of their own selfish profiteering? My intention is to create a new Ministry of Truth to protect our precious freedom of speech from our enemies, and a Ministry of Labour to ensure that everyone works in the job that is best for them and best for the people.

My fellow Americans!

The twentieth century was the century of the great experiment in democracy. But remember that the twentieth century was also the century of the worst wars in history. And so having put all of that chaos behind us it is time to ask ourselves what lessons we have learned from it, and to build on that for the future. The "hundred schools of thought" having contended, what flowers have bloomed and what have proven to be weeds? In this ever more interlinked and interdependent world of ours, is it even possible for every state to go their own way? A world government is the only realistic way to bring peace and prosperity to everyone. There can be no dissension with a world government, because dissent would be a treason against all of humanity. Everyone will work together for the good of the whole, not because of any compulsion, but because it is the right thing to do. One people! One Planet! One Prime Manager!

(That's Blair's next job sorted then.)

I believe in government of the people by the people and for the people who have the most dosh.

Sorry I'm late, I've just been fisting Norman Lamont. (Well, it nearly finished Julian Clary's career, so why not Tony)

We are a grandmother. with apologies to all those traumatised by ThatchBlair

I like my cigars moist.

Nuke the bastards!

Yes, I am Russian. Is that a drawback?

Wibble!

In the interests of efficiency, I have decided to dispense with the Cabinet. I shall now be relying for key decisions on an objective process. So, shall we continue to fund the NHS? Heads we do, tails we don't.

I think it's time to reexamine the whole idea of the people ruling themselves, because it really makes no sense when you think of it. A ruler must be greater than those he rules, therefore how can the ruled be the rulers? The only logically consistent system of government is an absolute feudal hierarchy, with a monarch at the top appointed by God. The King will appoint a council of ministers to advise him, led by a Prime Minister, but the whole absurd apparatus of Parliament and elections should be done away with.

"Might I propose a URANIUM for OIL program?"

"America is our staunchest ally." no, no blindfold ... but i would enjoy a final cigarette

Where do I sit?

Surely a retarded monkey could do this job?

What? You mean it's not a permanent post?

Allahu Akhbar!

Hello, I'm David Icke.

I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords.

[Raak] Overtures of "you have to vote for the lizards or the wrong lizard might get in"

[IS,P! / Raak] Made me think of Bill Bailey's "Human slaves, in an insect nation!"

[Phil] Your reference to Julian Clary's fisting of Norman Lamont made me wonder 'what newspaper does Phil read?'

Time for a new career?

[IS,P] Is that a question or a valid move?

[UK] Yes.

[IS,P!] Whatever comes to hand, although if I'm buying a newspaper (very rare occurence) it would be the Daily Telegraph. I also happened to be watching the award ceremony when Mr Clary made said comment, and I pretty much p*ssed myself laughing.

Recap: We have had Police Constable, Supermodel, Brain Surgeon, Farmer, Electrician, Car Mechanic, MC Coach, Evil Henchperson, Museum Curator, Somellier, Relationship Counsellor, Blacksmith, Nuclear Physicist, Shepherd, Stand-up Comic, Prostitute, Speaking Clock, Personal Trainer, Anthropomorphic Personification, Pope and Prime Minister. How about

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Taxi Driver

Where are we, guv?

Well, I could drive you all round the houses and charge a tenner, but you don't need a taxi, it's actually just a five minute walk straight down this road.

Y'know... I've never actually had anyone famous in the back of the cab...

Sorry about the bumpy ride, I'm just nervous about my driving test coming up tomorrow. Failed three times already.

Are you lookin' at me? (oblig.)

Do you mind drivin, guv? I'm too pissed.

Allahu Akbar! oblig