If I were you I'd dump the bastard.

Huh! You think you've got problems?

Come straight in, and sit down please. No talking. Face the front, I said No Talking! it's no good looking at me like that me laddie, me boy, I saw that, right! arms folded both of you. Now!

Hm, actually, you're both pretty fit. How about a threesome?

"Today we will explore role reversal in the bedroom and in preparation I have procured costumes for each of you. I would like for you madame to strap on this cumbrous prosthetic appendage, and for you sir I have a maidenform mangina. In addition, if neither of you will object I would like to tape this session for quality purposes." ............. i know i know i'm outa here already!"

So stay together or split already. Next!

You've got a cracking pair of tits.

OK, you call - heads you stay together, tails you split up.

If you're here, your relationship's broken down. So you already know what to do next, don't you? If you're looking for advice on splitting the assets, don't ask me, see a lawyer.

Well, as we know, most relationship problems are invariably the woman's fault...

Have you been seeing another counsellor behind my back?

In any relationship, one person has to be in charge. So just decide which of you wears the collar and which holds the leash.

Wherever you are, that's exactly where you want to be, or you wouldn't be there. Whatever you're doing is exactly what you want to be doing, otherwise you wouldn't be doing it. There is nothing to fix and no problem to solve. That will be £300.

Sorry, could you go over that again? I drifted off for about five minutes and lost your thread.

Chill. None of this will matter in a hundred years time.

Heavy drugs can sometimes perk things up.

I'm very glad that you have come to see me. You have both taken a very courageous and mature step towards building a better, healthier relationship. Working together, and treating each other with mutual respect, I am sure that over the coming weeks and months we will be able to develop the understanding and trust that serve as the foundation stones for solid and long-lasting companionship and love. Now, as the first step -- I'm sorry, but could you stop sucking on your teeth like that, it's really irritating -- as the first step, I want to engage in a trust-building exerci-- wait, and you, can you stop drumming your fingers like that -- trust-building exercise, in which -- WILL YOU STOP THAT! -- in which I am going to ask each of you in -- GOD, THAT IS REALLY ANNOYING, STOP IT, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE...