No, I don't worry about turning the power off. This amulet will protect me against electric shocks.

I don't believe in modern plastics and machine-made wire, they have all the wrong vibrations and completely destroy the feng shui. The best natural cable is made from organically mined copper, hand-drawn through dies of meteoritic iron, wound with birchbark gathered by a full moon and glued with tree sap from trees you planted yourself.

Put these houseplants each side of the TV and next and close as you can to the computer, and that should stop your earth leakage problems.

Let me assure you m'lady, I am no common blue-collared lackey but an itinerant entrepreneur on the verge of groundbreaking discoveries devoted to the scientific hippodrome of electromagnetism and circuitry, therefore do not be overtly alarmed if my methods appear unconventional. I assure you the crux of all electromagnetic inadequacies lie within the boudoir of ones home, so let us proceed therein and if you will consent to participate as my assistant I will footnote your charity in my private journals. Now, shall we prick the cork on this bottle of bubbly as a celebrancy to our partnership?

You don't see wiring like that very often, whoever did this was a real craftsman, I only hope I can do work as good as that.

[Raak] Stop, you're freaking me out :-)

Right then, cross your fingers.....

Yes, I can get the parts for that, no problem. Tomorrow ok?

OK, so brown is earth - makes sense, dunnit!

Remember kid, I have been in this racket a long time and I am the only one here who knows what he is doing so just perform whatever task I assign to you and don't give me no back lip. The company insists on sending you green kids along for me to train and damn if every one to date has not electrocuted himself on the first day. Let's see if you can do better. See here, I want you to splice together them two naked wires, then shimmy up this pole and disconnect the main power.

What does not kill me makes me stronger.

I've always wanted to do this! [buwahahahahahahahaha]

Okay, I'll hold this bare wire end in my right hand, you hold this other one in your left. Now watch what happens if we both touch your cat at the same time...

I never remember which is brown and which is blue, but it's AC, you can connect it either way round and everything still works.

"DOH!!! ... MY BRAIN HURTS!"

Might I suggest a new subject? If everyone agrees, I think Car Mechanic might be a good one to try.

"Here goes nothing!"

Turn that engine off! I'm allergic to exhaust fumes!

You have a flat what? sorry sir but we only fit round ones.

Diesel, petrol? What the hell, they're both fuel aren't they?

Do you realise that for every mile you drive, a baby dies?

I would recommend changing the brakes as the cars stopping distances are a bit long when we tested, don't worry about the bumper as that can be replaced but we will have to bill you for the damage to our wall.

When you say "righty tighty", is that my right?

I'm sorry ma'am, but I was unable to repair the damage to your tire. Since I was a wee lad I could not abide to see anything suffer, so I maneuvered your car around back and put a bullet into its engine block.

"Anybody hear the concert on Radio 3 last night?"

There's no labour charge.

Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum! Raise the mainsail, me hearties! With a following wind we'll be in Tortuga by Sunday! Aharr!

"DOH!!! ... MY BRAIN HURTS!"

We tried our best, but at 11.02 the battery finally died despite our best efforts. If you could follow me, you can chose from a number of options, for the service.

I like to involve the owner in the decision. What do you think is wrong with it?

I think it'll need a general anaesthetic. Now all I have to do is to work out how to arrange an EMP...

Look, you can't expect to leave it with us with a full tank of petrol and brand new tyres and expect them to still be there afterwards, I mean, perk of the job innit.

Before I give you the invoice for the work I have some paprework for you to complete, you have in front of you data on your cars engines performance, work out probability of what we have done to the EMS and confirm the predicted outcomes from the two given variables showing any correlation, determine how much you think is going to cost. Here is a clip board for you to write on, and if you could just take a seat, please show you working out and no talking to the person next to you or looking what they have written. When finished I’ll check your working out before giving you the proper answer and our bill.

An estimate? Tell you what: why don't I just go ahead and do the work, and you can pay me what you think is fair when I'm done? You can use my Jag while I'm fixing your Renault 2CV.

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I think it's time for another career. But what? Physicist? Soldier? Pirate? Anyone got any promising ideas?