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The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated
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And so it begins....
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I like to drink strawberry milk
Through a straw spun from taffeta silk
Some call me a ponce
But my cool nonchalance
Is required as a trait of my ilk
Oh-bla-di, oh-bla-da, life goes on
So how come I feel put-upon?
This mortal coil
Just makes me recoil
'Cos someone had left it switched on.
A potential supplier of Volts
Had an urge to electrocute dolts
A hard man, is Thor
He'll give you what-for
As he hammers you with thunder-bolts
Take care when attaching this lead
The wrong place and you might start to bleed
When you turn up the amps
You'll get aural cramps
And I don't believe that's what you need
There was an old man of the hills
Who made some good hooch in his stills
And this fiery liquor
Was bought by our vicar
To wash down all his happy pills
There was an old man of the dales
Who ate nothing but old rusty nails
As he shat, out came chains
Which he used to pull trains
But I'll skip all the gory details
I once bought a large fish and chips
Since then I’ve had fat greasy lips
The shop's deep fat fryer
Discharged its entire
Greasy load down on me - head to hips
The last three made me guffaw almost audibly here in the office.
There once was a man of the fens
Whose face was all covered in wens
This spotty visage
Clocked my décolletage
Having already clocked pen's. No guffawing, please.
There was an old man of the seas
Who enjoyed his shipboard high teas
He liked cream on his scones
And a skull with his bones
But no pie with his rate, if you please
There was an old man of the plains
Who prayed for the start of the rains
But a large inundation
Caused great consternation
Since Severn Trent buggered the mains.
A lady of uncertain age
Met an old man who lived in a cage
She said: "My dear man"
"I have lived in a can"
"As one must when on minimum wage"
A man with a Cheshire cat grin
A victim was of his own spin
But he knew in his heart
That he needed to fart
For it's better let out than kept in.
A lady constructed of iron
Was placed on a plinth on Mount Zion
Her mute ferric gaze
And Thatcherite ways
Is what Dave Camer-on keeps his eye on. Sorry about that.
A child made of sugar and spice
Her wedding will come at a price
But while she's a girl
Watch her hip, skip and twirl
And don't dwell on financial advice

Can't say I enjoyed the direction that limerick was taking - and it was beginning to annoy me - hence the mercy killing :-(
Young Mikey's a finicky lad
And also a terrible cad
He's fussily lewd
and not very shrewd
And Mondays he’s jerking like mad
It seems like a terrible waste [Chasty] Have you met Nemesis646?
Not to eat this delectable paste
But what makes me pause
Are these small waving claws
P'raps discretion is better than haste
There once was a curate of Ghent
Who put up a sign: "Faith for rent",
A passing young scholar
Hired a dog collar
And gave up his old ways for lent
There once was an old yoga master
At a bar with a Methodist pastor
One stood on his head
The other just bled
Their date was an utter disaster
*laughs out LOUD*
SWM, 34,
Offers cuddles, romance and much more I've read these in the past - does it show?
For nights out and in
Drinking tonic and gin
Just knock three times on the front door.
Sorry, forgot the line...
The skill to draw lines we must train
And how to make Bold learn again
The scansion dear friend,
One must not bend
Or we put in much work for small gain.
"It's enchanting to meet you, dear lady"
(I never thought that I'd meet Kate Adie)
You're said to be tough
And a bit of hot stuff
No wonder your chin’s a bit shady
I can't help but notice that bulge
In your midriff- could you please divulge?
Just why you're so fat
So lazy and a brat
And if I can in that indulge?
I know it's not Betjemen but I was seriously wondering where this was going...
Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough! - [Botherererer] This is :)
But not on Maidenhead - for now
'Cos it is so pretty
Compared with White City - refusing to use the obvious rhyme
Does poetic licence allow?
There was a young chap from Nuneaton
Whose great-grandma was Mrs Beeton
And, what is more
Went on a grand tour - likewise refusing the obvious rhyme
Where she met a great bear and was eaten.
I just had a strange kind of tea [Raak] Ha ha
Three dear old ladies and me
We all shared a scone Pronunciation Alert!!
As we had but the one ...which rhymes perfectly in my household
No arsenic or old lace I see
A paste made of tuna and eggs
Is perfect for waxing the legs
Its H2S and amines
Applied every day means
You'll enjoy totally hairless square pegs
Oi you! Yes you - bloke on the left!
Need ya - not yer brains, just your heft
I've a thing here you'll see
That's much bigger than me
And my toe's being crushed. That's why I effed.
A man of the Scottish persuasion
Imbibed haggis at every occcasion
Its earthy bouquet [irach] Imbibed? Haggis?
And appearance risqué
When liquidized is quite amazin' [irach] Correcting the logic ;o)
I've got this idea in my head
I'm lying awake in my bed
I'm turning it over
And over and over
That insomnia's fatal, it's said.
Sleep came like a reluctant gift
As I entered a temporal rift
I started to dream
We were a good team
Me and my time-travelling lift
I finished this poem tomorrow
In a Tardis the Doc let me borrow
Inside it's so spacious
Not to say ostentatious
But it brought me back here to my sorrow...
You travel in time in your dreams
And it's all so confusing, it seems
And Freud made it worse/b>
Which is really perverse
Seeing Sigmund boff 'midst the timestreams
There was a young lady from Tring
Whose bell no-one ventured to ring
Until Uncle Andy
Found a French tickler handy
To do wonderful things to her thing Coat ...
This lady from Tring was no slouch
To this Uncle Andy will vouch
As he took her back home
In the bath - watch that foam !
She accepted and never said "Ouch!"
I once met the purest of maids
During one of the drug squad's house raids
Her stuff was so pure
And she so demure
"Coochie-Coo" she piddled on my suedes
The girl with the dishevelled hair
And the quite unfeasibly large pair
Posed nude for a mag
Which makes her a slag
And made quite a star of the chair let's move it along...
I looked in the mirror and thought
"This wig that I recently bought unfinished quote alert
seems to make me look odd
Like a cross between God
And an unkempt old dishevelled sot"
I just won a medal of gold
For an act that was truly quite bold
At Tiananmen Square
I wore, for a dare,
Some brogues bought in Stow-on-the-Wold.
The inclement weather today
Wind, rain and heavy cloud - grey
If you're wise - stay inside
Where your shoes can be dried
But don't throw the beach towel away A bit of an emergency finish... with optimism for more sunshine, geddit?
I should never have meddled with gold
This alchemy stuff's oversold
These mercury fumes
And sulphurous spumes
Made me bald and my face looking old
The wrinkles and lines on my face
Keep my rugged good looks in their place
These fine indentations
Give gals palpitations
And that's why they shun my embrace
A wizard, a sage and a witch
All gathered to summon a lich
It paused at the gate
Where its skeletal state
Was so bad that it fell in the ditch
September - so nice warm and dry,
Now rain doth pour from the sky
And now -- Christ! it's snowing!
The climate is going..........
...awry - now it's time kiss this summer goodbye!
....and scansion with it, I see.
A tropical hurricane, Ike
Has winds faster than I ride a bike
Except when pursued
By a bloke in the nude
Who thinks that I'm Natalie Pike
You cannot beat sausage and mash (Kim) McGonagall lives!
It's the best you can get for your cash
Whereas chips and fish
Is a very fine dish
When served on the front page of Flash
While tuning the new Cern collider
I got shitfaced on Diamond White cider
It had a strange charm
So I chanced my arm
Last night I had a 'big bang'
When I threw my brand new boomerang
As it hurtled back
Through the starry ink-black
It hit my head with a clang Fed up with this one sitting here, now quickly moving on ...
The things that one keeps in the loft
Are oft fluffy and cuddly and soft
So set a mouse trap
Among all that house crap
Then bin what the rodent half-scoffed.
An aardvark who imbibed ant-acid
Soon found his proboscis all flaccid
His face, it went red
Like litmus, it's said
Leaving him feeling quite placid
"Oh sir!" cried the maid in distress
"My pic's in the tabloidy press"
"I was at a party"
"Dressed up really tarty"
"In my scanty new 'see-through it' dress"
Tonight is the V.P. Debate
So will it seal Ms. Palin's fate?
Can a hockey mom whatever the hell that is
exhibit aplomb
When her kid's up the duff and out late.
The world of finance - it is tottering
We'll all be reducèd to squattering
While those "in the know"
Just rake in the dough
In a way that's very unflattering
My pockets are now filled with dough
I can feel the yeast making it grow
I'll have plenty of bread
Or else, in its stead
The bulge will make her eyes glow
The camera, it's said, never lies
Even if one dons disguise
Dolly Parton with beard
Or your face with clay smeared
Won't hide that you've ate all the pies
"Shall we move a bit nearer the fire?"
"The heat will inflame our desire"
"But what if the glow.. unfin
Starts to melt my big toe?"
Wouldn't that just be too dire?"
All Hallow's Eve was a treat
Except for my melted feet
i walked through the flames
'Cos it's one of my aims
My footprints to set on Fleet Street
A new president has been elected
His cabinet will soon be selected
And Hil'ry, no doubt It has been established in another place that non-smutty limerics rarely rhyme or scan properly
Will not be left out -
Thank goodness that Palin's rejected
A wind of change blows from the East [i,R,K,J,S] Bravo! Most salient
As bakers bake breads without yeast
Mamas noodles we cook
Into sticky gook
That's the supper that we like the least
A shortage of eager lim'rickers
A surfeit of scansion nitpickers
Some grammar pedants
Repeating their chants:
"Indefensible mouse-clickers."
So what makes a humorous rhyme?
And are limericks on the decline?
Then again, clerihews
Have been making the news
For their value is rarely, if ever, revealed in the length of the ultimate line.
While scoffing a large box of chocs
I decided to take off my socks
They smelled like old cheese
Which caused me to wheeze
And cough up a collection of rocks.
Last night while I lay in my bed
I pondered the book I'd just read
The hero, I'm sure,
Was no epicure
Subsisting on baked beans and bread.
My first is in bed and asleep Limeriddles, or something. Or not.
My second is still counting sheep
My third's a surprise
And my fourth does arise
And of the fifth, you won't hear a peep I think we were all stumped on that one. Moving along now...
While I was putting the lights on my tree Xmas theme.
I felt a sharp pain in my knee
Oh, my patella
Get me codeine, young fella
And watch my low limb swinging free (below the knee that is...)
The fluff of my navel is gone
Thanks to this invent-ion
It sucks up the lint
Leaves the fragrance of mint
A cosmetic sine qua non.
When you've got to the top of your game
You should quit well before you're thought lame
For an ageing has-been
Should never be seen
As a resplendent pantomine dame
At Christmas we eat and we drink
But sometimes I have a deep think
My kids then say "Dad,
How much gin have you had?"
Was it Gordon's? Or p'raps was it pink?"
It's almost two-thousand-and-nine
The year of both roses and wine (hopefully)
And juxtaposition
Though price of admission,
Is more than its worth every time
There was a young lad from Bordeaux
Who crossed a Cabernet grape with a Gordo
The juice, when fermented, [irach] I'm reporting you to the Scansion Commission
Made drinkers demented
And girls, though quite chaste, set aglow
A scansion policeman named Bob
Was really quite keen on his job
To such an extent
('bout 200 percent)
That a few syllables he would rob
Please don't put your trash in the bin
To throw anything out is a sin
So recycle all waste
All in good taste
And swallow this Scotch mixed with Gin
The problem with being middle-class
Is that it can be a pain in the arse
The upper crust, though
Are smug 'cause they know
That where there is muck, there is brass
But if you're as common as muck
No silver spoon - no such luck
Get your ar*e on TV
As a Cel-e-brit-ee
And try not to use the word that is now in widespread use in the media, something I thoroughly disapprove of despite my frequent use of it in private conversation.
Big Brother's a load of cheap tat Is this what you mean, Rosie?
The F-Word's no better than that Is Gordon Ramsay the chief culprit, Rosie?
But fortunate-lee (Softers, Kim) Yeah, that sort of thing.
I don't watch TV
And that's why I am such a brat ...
When lines do not follow the rule
Some bullys cry out "What a fool!"
"And as for your plurals" ....next line difficult....
"Worse than epidurals"
But being a rebel is cool
If you chant 'Rule Britannia' out loud
Stiff upper lips will stand proud
But! Say 'God Save the Queen',
And you'll cause a scene
– You'll have to leave under a cloud
There's no roy-al-tee for us Yanks
We make do with missiles and tanks
We drive pickup trucks
That we buy using bucks
And we spend all your oil saying: Thanks !
In Texas they say "Howdee y'all"
In Yorkshire "Ay-up"'s what they call
But in SW3
They say naught - you trust me
They write Limerick lines - what a ball!
There was a young fellow from Penge
Who decided to take his revenge
On his great-aunt from Poole
With a long-handled tool
he twisted her nose with a wrench
The bishops of Penge and of Poole
Were fond of the odd game of boules
But their cup ranneth over
When a straw-chewing drover
Showed them his family jewel ...hat and coat, please...
Dear Fraulein my Glüwein is cold
Bitte, will you mein Glüwein please hold
While I trinketh my beer
Please nibble my ear
And do anything else that is bold
As I stood on the top of K2
I thought "I did all this for you!"
"I brave the fierce wind"
"My career I've binned"
"But it's worth it, just look at the view!"
As I squelched through the mudflats of Kent
I pondered the reason for Lent
'Tis to boost sales of fish
I mused, with a wish
From the Humber, the Thames and Solent mercy!
The hardest of crimes to detect [pen] What about the Trent?
[Darren] I'm foreign now, and don't know those things. Axshully, I forgot it.
Are those that’s performed so perfect
But with Marple and Co
And with Poirot in tow
It'd be im-poss-i-bull to confect
The Severn, the Trent and the Dove
Flow with the rains from above
But in times of drought
They must do without
And rowers must get out and shove
When an Aberdeen lad went to Perth
He found out just what he was worth
When he looked at the cheque
He thought: "What the heck,"
"Give me haggis. To hell with my girth".
When travelling to Aberdeen
I turned to look back where I'd been
And ran off the road
Upset my load
Of hand-woven pink gabardine
The Clan of MacLean-Cameron
Was once a great power that's now gone
All the blood that was spilt
Down the front of my kilt
Leaves my dry-cleaner feeling forlorn
I stood on the platform at Crewe
As I wondered just what I would do
If my train was delayed
Would that fact be displayed?
And would there be time for the loo?
When you surf on the roof of a train
You need the bumps fell in your brain
Don't touch the live wire (Softers) Wossat mean, den?
Or you might catch on fire I think he meant "felt on"
And with angels you'll sing the refrain
If you surf on the roof of the tube
You should rub yourself over with lube
Keep a profile that’s low
Pray you don't need the po
Or you might be seen as a n00b
If you surf on the mighty ocean
Dab on lots of sun-tanning lotion
Keep a profile that's high
– Imitate Captain Bligh!
Completely devoid of emotion
The chocolate chicken is here!
Because it's that time of the year
So I'll be a feaster
A cioccolatista,
So I'll crush it to bits, never fear!
The problem with watching ballet Limerick challenge: no "gay".
As I once heard Nureyev say Easy, so far
"Those padded dance belts
Do leave me with welts
In places I really can't say."
I've chosen to learn how to box
Replacing those gloves with two socks
Though the gloves on my feet ...kickboxing...?
Do look very neat
They don't help when throwing out knocks
They're rubbing - my Crocodile shoes,
It's jarring - my singing the blues
My pain's the refrain
These shoes are my bane
Their scales yield mine awful reviews
My big toe is throbbing with gout
But I shan't take the easy way out
Instead I shall hop
To the cutlery shop
Carve my shoe to a nice bulging-out
Poor Darling, I’ll buy you a pint
They're costly - the taxes are gi'ant
I'll make it real ale of course
Cos you're looking so pale
And all on expenses; please sign 't.
"My lines are so close to perfection," Well, not mine - yours!
No-one can raise an objection
The words, they just flow
Like the times when I "go"
My stream never needs a correction apologies all around...
[Juxtapose] Why apologise? It's much cleaner than the line which popped into my head. (Which is why I didn't play it!)
(Darren) Agreed. It's Raak who's the dirty bugger.
There was a young lad from Belgrade trad.
Who wished to get Tinker Bell laid
His fairy-like dream
Made Peter Pan scream
for it wasn't his croc he displayed.
A pudding fell out of the sky
And before I could say, "Goodness! Why--"
This "manna from heaven"
"Is four pounds forty seven!"
That is cheap for an airborne cow pie!
A man from the planet of Mars
Kept carbon dioxide in jars
Its greenhouse effects
Encouraged safe sects
So it's highly endorsed by the stars
An image from telescope Hubble
Depicted a great cosmic bubble
At the edge of known space
Which resembles the face
Of old Patrick Moore, but with stubble.
While sunning myself on the beach
I noticed a very fine Peach
I stroked its soft skin
[Raak] Her soft skin, I was hoping.
Surely no sin
Then licked off its sweet juicy leach ...
This beach once was filled with white sand
But things have not gone as we planned
For, as you can see
It's filled with debris
Teen beach parties should really be banned
It says on the side of this tin
BEWARE: there's traces of nuts within
You could break out in hives
When the doctor arrives,
He'll throw the whole lot in the bin.
I once met a maid from Regina Limerick challenge: clean
Who cherished her old Morris Minor Will that do, Juxt?
She kept it so clean
It dazzled the Queen
Whose Bentleys are not any finer ... [Juxtapose] There...clean as a whistle...
True Lim'ricks are not to be clean,
It's tempting to show the obscene
They must also be witty     BTW, Radio 3 is currently having a competition to compose serious limericks. Maybe we could try one here?
Coherent, not bitty
And polished right up to a sheen
Not only by bread doth man live   Going for a serious limerick. Titter ye not!
Not so much to receive as to give
Which lifteth the soul
For those on the dole
Or those with pockets like a sieve.Maybe I should apologise...
There was a young man from Peru (pen) No, no, not at all. Pretty good for a Dutch speaker.
Who bought a bright pink cockatoo
With very long legs
That laid polka dot eggs
While waving the tail - oh so blue The parrots of course!
There's thunder and lightning about
Don't panic. There's no need to shout.
I heard you first time
There's no reason or rhyme
It’s Thor who have just found his stout
My uncle, who lives in Cleckheaton
At snooker, has never been beaten
His all-out attack
By using the black
And pot it with super cue treatin’
The balls that were hit with his cue
Followed a path that was true All right, doesn't quite rhyme.
His peerless precision it does in America, Rosie
Was met with derision
But from the crowd there came a very loud "BOO"!
*Ahem*, I think, Mr Mac, we'll just draw a line under this one and call it a warning....
My auntie, who lives in Llangollen
Complained over legs that were swollen
Her acute phlebitis
Makes her dance like St. Vitus
O! How the mighty are follen No rhymes at all in that one :-)
In a nice little village in Kent
The priest found his coffers were spent
So he held a church fête
Where his needs were all met
By a choirboy behind the beer tent
Hidden textNot my greatest scansion, but if French pronunciation is fine, then so is American stress.
The good folk of Dwygyfylchi
While pond'ring the nature of time
I found myself covered in slime
This temporal gunk
Was spread out but shrunk
So I choked but performed a great mime
Two words; the first rhymes with 'bee'
Said the flea with a brie on his knee
The debris on the brie
Would be tea for the flea
But gives heebee-jeebies to me
"But what is the word?", asked the flea
To a bee that just wanted to be
Just known for spelling
So he wasn't telling
The number of words, was it three?
"The first word", the flea announced brightly
"Is one that is used almost nightly."
Like 'barhop' or 'beer'
And 'gay' but not 'queer'
Then the flea hopped away quite politely
When swimming, remember this tip
First give your big toe a quick dip
And if the water is wet
And that it will be I bet
Down to your trunks you can strip
Good morning, we sail with the tide
As Captain, I can make you a bride
So make one for me
Or perhaps two or three
And a groom, but please keep him aside
Beware the man in the moon
He will gouge out your eyes with a spoon
He'll feed you green cheese
Swap over your knees,
Then he'll seal you in a cocoon
It is much like a cloud that I wander
My time and my effort I squander
But I do have one goal
To bring joy to my soul
By watching the free wild blue yonder
Those magnificent men who all fly
Weird flying machines in the sky
Sometimes they go up
With a huge champagne cup
"Bollocks to RyanAir", they cry.
I've invented a falling machine!
It's gravity driven and green
You just start it like this
If you blink you will miss N.B. unfinished sentence
It's operation so swift and serene
I'll admit that the landing is rough
More so if you're landing on tuff
Then you'll bounce up again
In consid'rable pain
And out you will go with a snuff
One day on the M25
I was glad to have emerged alive
Though I killed 23
The parking was free
I really must learn how to drive.
A tool every gardener needs
Is one to eliminate weeds
This novel invention
will garner attention
From Sturminster Newton to Leeds
I once knew a young chiropractor
Who worked patients back with his tractor
Although efficacious
His bills were mendacious
With most patients sustaining a fracture
If you're set on becoming a quack
It helps to acquire the knack
Of dispensing green pills
And then issue great bills
Then slip out the door at the back
The things that I keep in my shed
Are not what I'd want in my bed
The difference, you see,
Is the rake next to me
That I swapped for the bitch that I wed
The reasons for not being here
Is so abundantly clear
My hard disc has crashed (Softers) Is = Are?
My graphics card's trashed
And my keyboard is covered in beer
The reasons for being here are many (pen) Pimm's I would have believed.
To critizize speling and meter, any?
But our true raison d'être
Of which we are les maîtres
Is that we are all rather zany
Let's drink to the flamboyant Floyd
Who'll now fill the bow-tied chef void?
With a glass of champagne,
You'll remove any pain,
And remember a man we enjoyed
One night at a bar in Bordeaux
Through a rosy wine-induced glow
i got very cozy
With M. Sarkozy
And woke up in charge of Renault
One day on the wharf in Mumbai
I encountered a Latvian spy
He was armed with a gun the last one was excellent, BTW
So I started to run
And got decked at the docks, then good-bye!
The Irish have voted with "yes"
To convert all their taps to Guinness
So, taking a bath
Will be more of a laugh
Than a matter of hygiene and finesse
The things that she did with her tongue
To the snippet of Schubert she sung
Involved much saliva
This pretty muff diver
Until the last note, which still stung [Rosie] I think you'll find it's spelled 'diva' ;o)
The things that he does with his pole
Would even surprise Old King Cole
'Cos with it he'd fiddle
And play paradiddle
On anything sporting a hole
The things he can do with his mind
If acted would make him go blind
And he thinks he's a hero
Acts like Emperor Nero
Who was not always very refined.
A toothless old hag from Tbilisi
Ran a chip shop whose products were greasy
Her beetroot (deep-fried)
With borscht on the side
Was used as hair oil in Assisi
My brother, who loves in Beirut,
Encountered a typo (minute)
He actually "lives",
Buy - hey now - what gives?
The "Whoops" button didn't reboot. with some chagrin, -Jux
My auntie, who lives in Tashkent
Has one curly leg slightly bent
While my uncle in Venice
Is nowt but a menace
Who once was arrested in Ghent
"Dear Sir, don't believe all you hear,"
The British do not love warm beer
Nor do they all dress
In the dark, nonetheless
It's well known that the men are all queer.
My sister, who works in Beijing,
Is confused 'cos it once was Peking
And my aunt in Firenze
Is all in a frenzy
'cause my uncle just left for Xiaoping
[Raak] Re: penultimate limerick. That was exactly the last line I had in mind, word for word.
A pleasant young chap from Osaka
Once sailed over Lake Titicaca
In the midst of this trip
Dislocated his hip
And loudly exclaimed, "Anta baka?"
On a raft in the midst of the ocean [Phil] Great minds etc.
Having run out of chamomile lotion
I tried using rum
And some barnacle gum
Applied with a rotary motion
A fearsome great beast, the gorilla
Attacking with sticks, like Attila
But with its own kin
It serves tonic , with gin
Imported each day from Manila
I stood all alone in the bunker
Above flew a bomb-carrying Junker
As I took my sand-wedge
My partner, that's Reg,
Imbibed and got steadily drunker
I just met a man in the street
Oi! you've just done that one in MCiOS With knobbly knees and large feet
His clown shoes and nose
And his three-foot-long toes
In the circus he'd go down a treat
I just met a man in the street [Rosie] Hmm?
Extolling the virtues of wheat
When asked as to why
He said: "I can't lie,"
"I love having corns on my feet"
[Darren] Ooooow.

If you should encounter a chugger

Be wary - he may be a bugger
And the smile on his face
Hides a life of disgrace
For he is Al Fayed, that fugger.
My spleen has a mind of its own
My kidneys do nothing but moan
But my Heart is still beating
My stomach repeating
And the naughty part down there is blown (I'll get the coat and hat myself, thank you...)
While scouring the world for perfection
I discovered this chocolate confection
Which does contain nuts
cocain and cold cuts
Now I'm two inches stouter midsection
The world is imperfect, alas
Ecosystems are fragile, like glass
[irach] Elegant end to the last one. Well done; have an e-biscuit :-)

With one final jolt

The earth will revolt
And kick us all in the ass as our American friends would say.
Americans? Vulgar? Not so!
Nor Britons all snobs, don'cha know
Though the rest of the lot, (Well, not me of course!)
Live in countries too hot
Or places all covered in snow
In Boston they dumped some fine tea
In December, Seventeen-Sev'nty-Three
Out into the bay
Without a tea tray
It tasted just like weak gnat's pee
My hairdresser chatters away (Softers) The strong stuff is OK. Tangy.
About how he's overtly gay
He's into high camp
His wig curled - like a vamp
And he thinks he's the Queen of the May
If it weren't for the mould on the ceiling
I would not have this strange, awkward feeling
That I am about
To be left without
Anywhere that is not damp and peeling.
Each weekend I pursue my hobby
And please, do not think I am snobby
I ride with the hunt
Ride a fine Oxford punt
I'm a toff - and I'm also quite gobby
The dribble that runs down my chin
Gives clues to the state I am in
If frothy it means

(See comments for a line 4 and 5 that jumped out on me)

I've had lunch - Ham and beans [S M] Keep on jumping!
And if not, then I've been at the gin.
I once knew a man from Macau
So yellow - but man - could he bow
But his pale jaundiced skin
And his body so thin
Meant he died - so no bowing for now
Now it's time to prepare for the end !
All the portents and signs that way tend!
Armageddon is nigh
So the soothsayers sigh
You've been posted, alas, to Southend.
The incredible edible egg!
Gives a lift, gives a hand, gives a leg,
Does not give a shit
If Beluga - it's a hit!
And it fits in so well with my keg! (beer-keg that is!)
I'm obliged to point out it's a fact
That dogs who sniff crotches lack tact
But one's pheromones
(The pong of your stones)
Won't stop them - they're caught in the act.
There once was a stone that was wet
In Workington that I would bet Not funny for the residents, I do pity them
It stood all alone
In a No Parking zone
And no-one has dried it off yet
I tried to install a new light
To make my front porch much more bright
But the fuse I did blow
So the light didn't glow
Will I live through this dark, dark, dark night?
I've survived, I'm awake, I'm alive,
Thanks to my sparky mate Clive
I owe him a fiver
As he was the driver
Who drove through the farmers beehive.
Impossible as it may sound
I'm floating three feet off the ground
My odd levitation
Defies explanation
(A bean-propelled jetpack I've found!)
So let's praise the virtues of flatus Jokes about old farts will be treated with caustic soda.
At least let us make a conatus
Strike an ode to one's gas
Which will come to pass
All hail to that which doth deflate us
"The problem," she said, "with your face,
Is your nose is in the wrong place."
And your eyes, either side
Look like eggs - lost and fried
Like Camilla a quite hopeless case
On Tuesday the thirteenth of May
French workers entered the fray
No one knows if they've left
Though all "frogs" are bereft
Is it over? "Mon Dieu, je ne sais!"
In nineteen hundred and thirty
Dvorak suggested that QWERTY usa
Would make a fine song
For keyboard and a gong
But Fats Domino's fingers were dirty
In two thousand seventy-one
A monkey will edit The Sun
We will live in the sea
With our own Mini-Me
Thus my work on this earth will be done - mwaah-ha-ha-hah
In March of 2010
I shall leap from the top of Big Ben
In April I'll land
In the wild Rio Grande
And ride off in the sunset with Sven So that's something to look forward to...
A new cure is out for the flu
It's soup made with barnacle glue
Applied with a spoon
Beneath a full moon
Washed down with a glass of Fitou
I'm climbing the property ladder
Tho' the market's never been madder
This two-up-two-down
In the best part of town
With three toilets to empty my bladder
"Are you sure that you don't want to play?"
He asked as I held my toupee
"Just keep your hair on"
"Cos your head is a square 'un"
"So I'll stick your wig on with this spray"
While stuck in a snowdrift at Shap Road or rail.
I was in need of a pony and trap Invoking Sound of Bow Bells option
But arriving instead
Was a man dressed in red -obligatory-
Who said: "Ho, ho!" and gave me a slap.
The reason for Boxing Day's name
Is act-tew-a-lee rather tame
The story is this
It was Joe Frazier's diss
Who boxed blind against Clay - what a shame!
The correct reason is that our mailboxes get overfilled with christmas-spam...!
My need for posh choccies is sated
To Messrs Thorn-tons I'm related
It's the ones filled with cream
About which I dream
Which make me so fat, I'm inflated.
Ten nine eight seven six five
Four three two, soon the New Year will Jive
There'll be drunkards galore
And sick on the floor
But we've made it, one more year alive!
So let's praise the Tolpuddle Martyrs
Transported for wearing lace garters
For being in drag
Whilst waving a flag
And all that was only for starters!
A scandal has just been exposed!
Sleeping Beauty ne'er slept, she just dozed
And the Prince he was gay
And his lover, José,
Was bisexual, when so disposed.
Are you sure that this road lead to Rome?
The signpost says "IV leagues to Nome"
But that's a diversion
By the Vandal's incursion
Oh sod it, I think I'll go home
The French tailors Toulon and Toulouse
Stitched the Pimpernel's long coat too loose
The outcome was this -
(and was sealed with a kiss)
That he fell for mamsell de la'Cruise
I've got an idea for a game
That's why I'm glad we all came
To this fine-tuned decision
Let's add circumcision
We laugh, we play, we maim.
I think we should just stick to Scrabble
Such joy when with words one can dabble
Deploy your best tiles
Stack your points in high piles
Keep quiet, we don't want your babble
The thing about Trivial Pursuit
Is that friends (who were friends!) will dispute
As the questions reveal
What the players might feel
And knowledge reluctantly salute
My hard drive it needs a defrag
Loading programs is becoming a drag
And it's not "drag and drop"
It's all over the shop-
I'd go on, but you'd think I just brag. The only other rhyme I could think of was "Morag".
SM - what about "slag"?
I think I've got texter's thumb
http://www.rhymezone.com/r/rhyme.cgi?Word=drag&typeofrhyme=perfect&org1=syl&org2=l
I think I've got texter's thumb
It's turned purply-blue and is numb
So the message I send
Will probably end
Up a right load of bollocks, old chum.
If you notice my shiny attire [S,i,R,J,P] excellent!
That is made of brand new barbed wire
Then your eye is quite sharp
So thanks, Twyla Tharp,
For a dress that's my fondest desire.
There are days and besides there are Mondays
Which rarely we find are the fun days
They can sure get one down
From dawn till sundown
Or a week - 'cause today it is Tuesday.
By Jove, what a beautiful van!
At the wheel I can see Princess Anne
She's towing a trailer
On the way to her tailor
While her horn toots a regal pavane.
While waiting for lights to turn green
I polished my horn to a sheen
But the burnishing friction
At the traffic restriction
Turned everything red - ain't that mean?...mercy...?
There once was a game in Vancouver?
At which I was a shaker and mover
I moved and I shook
People gave me that look
But I carried on using my Hoover [Marc] Why the question mark? Just curious
[Chalky] They said there was an Olympic Winter Game going on but I was not sure that anyone noticed (though all TV-channels all over the globe had almost nothing else to show ;-)
In the steep slopes of Aspen she fell,
For a ski-bum who skied oh so well
As she gazed at his pole
An unmarked snow patrol - [Marc] Ah I see. Well I watched loads of it. v enjoyable :)
said "Go for it, love - what the hell?"
While planning a raucous weekend
With my mate, his wife and her friend
We thought that the bed
Would make a fine sled
And wouldn't be this hard to mend
There was a young fellow called Eric
Who climbed to the top of a derrick
Then he climbed down again
Because of the rain
Getting wet made him really hysteric
It's Friday, let's go to the pub
For a beer and a B.L.T. sub
A packet of nuts
And chicks with great butts
In the crowd we may get a good rub?
[irach and Marc] eh? It's not a discussion I really want to get into, but the lines that you two just wrote are either crap or very offensive. Or both.
[pen]If you don't want to discuss a matter, why on earth do you post your remark? Hopefully we did not offend you, at least my line was not directed against anyone in particular. Our lines are well in line with the normal standard of the limericks at this and adjacent sites whether you like them or not.
There once was a man who got lost
[Marc] I wish to register my displeasure, that's why. And yes you did offend me, and your lines were below the standard I have come to expect - they don't make sense without the filthiest of interpretation, they don't scan, and they're laboured.
As on the night train he had dossed (Marc) pen is right - it wasn't one of your better ones.
He woke up at Lands End
Which was sure to offend,
And so out of the train he was tossed
There once was a girl with a butt
So fancy and with a great cut
Its streamlined perfection
Could cause hard erection
For those who had more than one nut! [Rosie]This one is just for you because you always defend us lonely little girls like the brave White Knight of mc5!
I stare at the moon - it stares back (Chasty) I'm flattered. Have you got her email address? :-)
As I'm out in the park in my mac
And alone in the dark
Sans my girlfriend from Sark
So I'm hoping to score some good crack.
A line that may satisfy all
Runs from far Samarkand to Kirkstall
And if you take the trains
Nobody complains
Once you've covered your arse with a shawl.
Sensibilities are easily shaken
Like when offering the Rabbi some bacon
Or when having to put up with this rhythmically inappropriate heap of steaming ordure. Free-form limericks, anyone?
[Monica and Beck] Please don't worry, Headmaster Rosie may sound a bit peevish now and then. What is meant is probably that you should try to follow the established Limerick rules that you may find here: http://poetry-please.tripod.com/id5.html
For instance:
Your senses are easily shaken
When offering the Rabbi some bacon
Or step someones toes
With lines you compose
For the Mick is easily taken
My mellifluous contra-bassoon
Is best played up on the moon
Where the absence of air
[Rosie] - not getting much sex? I understood this was a recreational activity you sad repressed mare.
[monica (any relation to Monica?)] Like all recreational activities, limericks and sex are both better when done right.
Prevent blowjobs beware ;-)
And ends not a moment too soon
When mixing hot air and stale gas
It is all about volume not mass Yankee pronunciation invoked...
So just wave your fan (irach) Same as Britpron. Even Ian Paisley says mass.
And follow the plan
Outlined in your chemistry class
On Mondays its back to the job
We’ll struggle to make a few bob
So play wi' t'computer
and search for a suita-
-ble way to escape the dull mob. [Kim] Well played.
There was a young fellow whose ears (Kim, Raak) V good.
Would attract derision and jeers
Yet Camilla, his wife
Cut them off with her knife (Oh no, not Camilla??)
And now they're hereditary peers
While planning a trip from Heathrow [Chalks] Bravo!
I thought "Tube". Give it a go
But a dim adolescent
Set light to the Crescent -- WE know what that means ..
And now the whole place gonna blow!
In Cairo the alleys are narrrow
Down which the marchers from Jarrow
Filed one at a time
Off-course for the Tyne
It's a far cry from fish and stuffed marrow
According to George Bernard Shaw
the content of Newton's first law
Was known to the Greeks
To need a few tweaks
Or it stayed where it was, on the floor.
All sailors get wet when they sail
Most whalers will wail when they whale
But anglers who angle
And their maggots they dangle
Will spin to us all a tall tale
A seller of second-hand wigs
Had his stock nicked by one Ronnie Biggs
This infamous blagger
An outrageous swagger
Swapped the lot for a handful of figs
A gourmand who loves parboiled quince
Presented his tart to the Prince
The Prince found her willing
For the price of one shilling
To sit on his face ever since (shame on you guys!)
A nun who was chaste and devout
Thought one day she'd find out
That her promise to God
Was remarkably odd
So she decided to put it about
There once was a redheaded blonde
Who dyed froggies pink in a pond
She claimed that this hue
Would improve their virtue
But they still burped and crapped - she'd been conned.
If we live ‘til we die we get old
Unless we live backwards, I'm told
The path of time's arrow
Is both straight and narrow
So how long 'til I get paroled?
I've not passed this way for a while
And my path is now blocked by a stile
But my Right Of Way
Will ensure that I may
Walk along any road with a smile
I play a dead parrot in skits
And try imitate how it sits
The nails in my feet
Will help to complete
the impression it's all done by twits
A young lady from Burton-on-Trent
Had a figure that seemed heaven-sent
But closer inspection
Revealed imperfection
By then, though, I'd come and she'd spent.
The dreams that she wove in her loom
Were threads of both despair and gloom
But a streak of pure gold
Her future foretold
Once she'd promised the first from her womb
The tiger had vertical stripes
So he bought some nice baby wipes
After a scrub and a rub
Applied to her cub
The stripes turned to spots of three types
It's never too late to give up
Trying to housebreak your pup
So don't let it sit
and just widdle and spit
But the Brummies would say you were tup
The morning of Mr. Magellan
Was spent with Roddy Llewellyn
And this disparate pair
Hunted Lionel Blair
To what end I am leery of tellin'
Driving in ovals is daring
To go topless on beaches is baring
But diving with sharks
When completely starks
Will wake people up, keep'em staring.
Whatever you like is a sin
From sex to a bottle of gin
But a nice cup of tea
Spiked with pure THC (tetrahydocannabinol, that is...)
Makes Hamish and Dougal just grin.
All's good in true moderation
Excess may cause botheration
But a bit here and there
And a pint everywhere
May help to prevent constipation
There's little that's new anymore
We've seen all this stuff once before
The Cycle of Being
Can have one agreeing
That reincarnation's a bore.
There's a man who lives right on our street Well done on that last one, everyone.
Who is said to possess two left feet
His dual sinisterity
And absent dexterity
is a hoot when his two left knees meet
My efforts to drain the Black Sea
Were quite abysmal, you see.
From Romania's edge
I started to dredge
But global warming now does it for free
Today at a quarter to three
I'll have honey for afternoon tea
And then - should I risk it?
A raw egg; just whisk it Yuk.
Then ask her to lap-dance with me
I stare out the window all day
I just want to go out to play
My red vuvuzela
For Nelson Mandela
'Cos he's no musician, they say.
My cursor has turned big and white
And the rest of the screen's black as night
The CD-ROM's beeping
The CPU's sleeping
Hidden textPhotoshop has crashed again.
Just Windows – no reason for fright.
While watching the Test on the telly
Which Waitrose now have near the deli
I dream of steak tartar
And electric guitar
To hide my big muscular belly.
The prodigal son has returned!
Let the fat calf be spitted and turned!
And when it is done
We'll serve on a bun
That's been toasted 'til brown but not burned
I've no time for chitter chatter
I have some paint balls to splatter
You'd best run and hide
And seek scansion guide
Lest the ref call you off for a natter.
In Moscow the smog is disgusting
And Curtain of Iron is rusting
Acid rain is a problem
So, factories? Just nobble 'em
And give that domed Kremlin a dusting
'Tis said by the ones "in the know"
That in April the rain comes as snow
In May, sleet is hail
In June rain and gale
Which only adds to our woe.
While sunning myself on the beach a change in the weather
Tony Blair began giving a speech
With my head in the sand
(I could not take a stand)
Shut him up, please, I beseech.
On my way to the dentist I saw
Something I'd not seen before
Pus oozed from loose molars
And it ran onto the floor!
oops, got it mixed up!
Onto babies in strollers This is the correct one to use.
And then it ran on to the floor! [Perfectly good last line too, I'd say.]
The talented Dr McCoy
Had a bugle. T'was his pride and joy
He'd play it all day
While he sat in the hay
With Sulu, his winsome toy boy
In winter, the sky seems to snow
The flakes flurry as the wind blows!
The will to live withers
The temptation to post: "BANG!<hr>" is overpowering :o)
The weatherman blithers
And we sip our hot red bordeaux ...
With Dickens, Mulled Ale was the thing or was it Mulled Wine?
He preferred it to champagne or bling
But of course, there's a Twist
And with Oliver pissed oblig.
Gruel was bought with the last farthing.
I heard the characteristic sound of a synchromesh eating itself on that last line. Perhaps it's just me though.
Today I met old Mr. Scrooge
Wearing eyeliner, perfume and rouge
With his arm around Cratchit (Sierra M) It ain't just you unless it's just the pair of us.
Whose own make-up did match it
I felt like I needed refuge!
Oh, let's sing an ode to the tench
Of its wonderful barbels and stench
But this tasty fish
If asked, has one wish:
Would be, "throw me back in the trench!"
Would be: "Oh, throw me back in the trench" seems to fit more snugly to me. Are my ears on the blink?
And now let the Cod stir our muse
With a chorus of Bass singing blues
Add in a cow
A bird on a bough
And a sheep makes it "Tweets, Bleats and Moos". - [Rosie/SM] Nope, it's not just you, unless it's just the three of us
Now let's chant on the worth of an eel Well done everyone on that last one
Just one pound a pound - it's a steal
In a sour jelly sauce
And mash, but of course
We must top with stewed eyeballs of Seal!
As I swallowed an octopus whole
I pondered the state of my soul
As its tentacles gripped
Round my spline it just slipped
T'was a bit of a sushi "own goal"
I talk to the trees - no reply
They say not a word - must be shy
I'll summon Prince Charles
To bring organic farls
And other such green stimuli. [Marc, 2 up] Alarming capitalisation, no?
Deep in the Forest of Dean [Tuj] maybe he meant the singer
There lives a cantank'rous old Queen
He dresses in drag
When he goes for a fag
The Yank kind, if you know what I mean!
How do you get text small? A hard break is needed here.
Up in the clouds, lives a moose
He's mauve, with a trace of chartreuse.
He looks kindly down [Kage] The simplest incantation to make small text is to put <small> and </small> around the text you want to disembiggen. Tuj, Software and I have gone a step or two beyond the basics, however.
With nary a frown
As he sips on jicama juice.
A good limerick follows some rules, My line is not a perfect example though. Good hints may be found here: http://freespace.virgin.net/merrick.sheldon/limerickrules.htm
Oft ignored by colonial fools
In time they may learn
That when it's their 'turn'
The limerick monster then drools
We've had too many big spats
And garishly styleless hats [Softers] My point exactly.
With big plume-like feathers
And bunches of heathers awful scansion
Festooned with twenty live rats
Prime the carb! Good! Now, pull on the string! Lawnmowing. Sigh.
Gosh - it started - I can hear it sing!
Its great throbbing roar
Shakes window and door (Softers) Not all God's children got rhythm, it seems.
And birds take quickly to wing
In a lake where thick mists do abound
The kelpie can often be found
This aquatic equine
So hard to define
Eats children, once they have been drowned
In the vale of the shadow of death OK to continue geographic theme?
Lived a gnome who was strung out on meth
This short-arsed stoned tweaker
Drank grog from a beaker
And could stop a big bus with his breath. (Spangle) Very much so, Gary. We do themes quite often.
A dwarf, in the Forest of Arden Geog. and Mythic themes cont'd
Tends an insectivorous plant garden
Though one day after lunch
He had a hunch
He was gone in one munch Sorry KS, we need more syllables!
In a triffid that grew in his garden.
The Humber, the Ouse and the Trent
Each one gave up flowing in Lent
With riverbeds dry
And craft all awry
Wondrin' where all the water had went
As we stood on our boat, high and dry Continuing this riparian theme
We thought the world's end must be nigh
Then down came the rain
Our ark floats again!
Send the wind - for our boat might just fly!
Marc - There once was a lady named Jude, A classic one for a change?
Whose language was vulgar and rude
This foul-mouthed young hussy Oh dear
Was clearly not fussy
About where she verbally pooed. It's Jannit Stwee' Paw'aah!
While poling one day in a punt
A loud hussy called me a runt
So I shouted right back
"It's class, dear, you lack"
Then I poled her backside with a dunt.
While rowing one day down the Dee
I stopped in Llangollen for tea
And when I was sated
My watch indicated
The time was a quarter to three
This paint has gone hard in the tin!
It now has that rhino-like skin (irach) My Dad went to school in Llangollen, where he learnt English.
Yet its shocking pink hue (Rosie)I had come from the US to work on a biotechnology project in Wrecsam and had visited nearby Llangollen four years ago. Lovely place.
Stops me feeling blue
And makes me break out in a grin.
There never was a marshmallow
Made from taconite, asphalt and tallow
But the latest from Lidl (irach) Yes, nice place. But can you pronounce it? You could be forgiven if you can't. "Wrecsam" is a fairly recent Welshification of the original English name. A bit clumsy, seeing that it doesn't obey the rules of Welsh pronunciation if pronounced as "Wrexham" but a change from the usual traffic in the opposite direction (eg Cardiff, Pembroke, Lampeter, Brecon, Barmouth).
Is quite a riddle
Though the flavor, it is a bit shallow.
Oops, line needed!
My mother thinks I need a shave
Crappy scansion:

KagomeShuko - My mum thinks I need a shave
Software - So I'll just have to be brave

[Softers] Worse. What exactly was wrong with the original? It has the same beat pattern as others on this page.
KagomeShuko - My mother thinks I need a shave
Software - And so I'll just have to be brave
I Say, Porter! - My new cut-throat razor
Propelled by green-laser
Was bought off a cockney called Dave
One day while out drinking Real Ale
I heard a most agonised wail
It went "Ralph!" and then "Huey!"
It looked like chop-suey
It happens each time without fail.
"This paté is off!" I exclaimed
"That darned novice chef must be blamed!"
Is what we contrive
Hidden textI just went back over the various verses herein and I believe that the ones in which line three was used to develop the theme in lines one and two seem to give a sense of unified completion whereas those in which line three veers off into new territory end up conveying an unfinished feel more often than not. It doesn't seem to matter much in this scheme of evaluation whether line two takes a sudden left turn. Of course, now I come to think about it, a line two diversion leaves fifty percent more poem time to work through the new idea than a line three unsignalled turn.
Hidden textIn My Opinion, of course, and I'm not suggesting anything needs fixing.
When PETA's petition's defamed
A beetle, a slug, and a squirrel
Named Bernie, David and Cyril struggling for a rhyme
Left Liverpool's shore
For they'd come to deplore
Their mis'rable lives on the Wirral nice work, Spangle!
American Football's more like "hand-egg"
Thanks Phil. But sorry KagomeS - you are making it very difficult for others to play nicely, as they say.
[Sprangle] In my humble opinion it is not better, nor worse, than the average standard these days...
KagomeShuko - American Football's more like "hand-egg"
Marc - And USA pints are more a beer-keg
This isn't a limerick
So we rhyme with a little dick
And light the fuse to the powder-keg ***BoooooM***
There was an old man of East Cheam
Who was known to be "broad in the beam"
His magnificent rump
Was both rounded and plump
And out of his bunghole came steam.
My mother snores like a pig
[KS] Don't you mean your grandmother?
And besides she is awfully big (assuming grandmother for several reasons ;-)
Asleep on her back
All her muscles go slack
And off slip her rings, teeth and wig.
To prevent vi'lent earthquakes one must
Roll in a pile of gold dust
And then drill a deep hole
Eat ragoût of vole
And watch 'Monte Carlo Or Bust'.
The fear of a bursting balloon
Has fettered this worthy Walloon Walloon: n. One of a French-speaking people of Celtic descent inhabiting southern and southeast Belgium and adjacent regions of France.
For a bang in Bastogne
Makes him flee to Boulogne
And wet his brand new pantaloon
In the theatre I'll make a new life!
Away from the trouble and strife
As the curtain ascends
I have four hundred friends
At the end they threw apples and knifes!
"This weekend the office is closed,"
"We're having the furniture hosed"
"All the coffee and crumbs"
are all quoted by Mums
When they're feeling unkindly disposed
So shoot me :^)
No problem! Marc, pass me my gun Well you asked for it Spangle
Multiposters shall die, every one! (Actually, we usually let them off with a keelhauling these days.)
But first we'll keelhaul 'em
Hidden textBut we keelhaul 'em first would have been kinder
Then let rottweilers maul 'em Can't believe the assembled peoples did not object vociferously to Marc's utterly atrocious "knifes".
Then chop off their heads just for fun! (Sorry folks, I saw a lot of rotten apples and knives in the air that night… ;-)
Long ago when all maidens were chaste,
And their stays were laced tight at the waist
Men used to try
All brave men used to try (adding a few syllables...)
With a grip ‘round their thigh
If their legs were sufficiently spaced
He shrugged off their words with distain
Accompanied by this refrain:
"Sticks and stones - hurt my bones,"
Do people get some perverse pleasure out of spoiling this game for others? C'mon man - you've been playing here long enough :^)
Let's see what can be done with this
"Your sticks and stones
May hurt my bones"
But, you see, I'm in love with such pain
He shrugged off their words with distain
Accompanied by this refrain:
"Sticks and stones - hurt my bones,
As do hurled traffic cones
But, you see, I'm in love with such pain"

 ?
[SM] Well done - I didn't see anything wrong with Marc's line either, which uses a correct anapaestic rhythm. I would like to object to no-one picking up on the incorrect spelling of "disdain" though.
[Phil] I overlooked nasty "distain"
There's a problem it seems with my brain
It seems to be telling
Me to ignore spelling
When used in a hum'rous refrain

Sorry for horrible scansion.
He shrugged off their words with disdain
Accompanied by this refrain:
"Sticks and stones - hurt my bones,
Not to mention cellphones,
That keeps filling my ears with deep pain!” (enough of this then...)
[Phil] Interesting - until you said it, I couldn't hear Marc's line in a way that made it correct. The influence of the rhythm of the original 'Sticks and stones' chant just got in the way, I suppose.
A young lady from old London town
Wore to Ascot a transparent gown
The resulting mêlée
Caused by said negligée
Turned the once verdant lawn dirty brown
This young woman's gauzy attire The theme is worth developing a little more
Was based on a thin frame of wire
It was easily bent
To convert to a tent
With a leftover piece for a spire.
Friday night and the eggnogs are free (Well done all, free eggnogs to everybody including Sprangle!)
The young ladies are drunk as can be
Alas, so am I
And I want pumpkin pie
But none of these babes bake, you see?
The cult of the hero is flawed (Cheers Marc - jolly generous under the circs :^)
Lesser mortals are easily awed
With gold head and clay feet
They're not quite the elite
They should all be put to the sword
A deep-fried pork pie's just the thing
To make arteries lose their zing
Though the taste is insipid
Being quite high in lipid
It will clog our veins with a wring...
There's a show on the old BBC
‘bout a sex-selling young frenchisee (sic)
Dr Who's Billie Piper
Is scared by a viper
Are you sure it's not ITV3?
I've got an idea for a show:
Called 'How Does Your Garden Grow?'
Its hostess' name's Mary
She's big, blond and scary
When brandishing dibber and hoe
I've got an idea for a shoe
That involves pink feathers and glue
It's most orthopaedic
If somewhat comedic
'cause the size that I need is 'canoe'...
Now that was really nice. Shall I start another?
I've got an idea for a jacket Allow me, m'dear.
It's got bling and will cost me a packet
Its ermine-trimmed ruff
Doubles up as a muff
So I'll call it my < Cockney Rhyming Slang > Desmond Hackett </Cockney Rhyming Slang >
[Softers] I think your Desmond Hackett also needs to be old.
My trousers are have broken the mould
They're pink satin and sequined in gold
Though tight in the seat
They make it look neat [pen] yes, I meant to but forgot :o(
When they splat and my bare butt got cold.
Oh Dear, won't you please come inside,
At least 'til the bloodstains have dried
This axe in my head
Is no cause for dread
I'm an extra in 'Frankenstein's Bride'
Excellent!
I once found an eye in my soup
It stared at me through beefy goop
My mom said, "It's a pea,"
But I knew it could see
‘cause it blinked – it was Billy the Snoop! (Why me?)
"My dear Watson, I think it was you,"
"Who has spent the weekend sniffing glue"
"What I smoke in my pipe"
"Is something more ripe"
"(It's a horse of a different hue)"
"It's a 'baccy from old Araby"
"Yon beetle crawlin' in it? It's scaraby"
[SM & irach] I got hit twice with that one!Ouch!!
"Belonged to Imhotep"
[penelope] Okay, I'll bite: What is wrong with my first line?
Who had lots of pep Sierra Mike - just difficult to rhyme, I think.
Hidden textAlso, what's a "'baccy?"
Oh dear O dear O dear - and we were doing SO well back up there ^^^ :^(
Growing smokeless tobacco at Niles Abbey http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tabennae
At submission make sure brain is ON, (Sometimes rhyme and scansion must be ignored for educational purposes ;-)
Lest scansion and rhyme isn't done
the failure to check [SM] I'll try and be kind! 'Araby', with its stress on the second syllable is very hard to rhyme and scan. And the fact that you had to tailor the word for tobacco AND the word for Arabia to make a first line makes me think you were trying too hard whilst ignoring the basics. If it doesn't scan, it, er, doesn't scan.
Can make a train wreck
Keep it simple - lest all wit be gone
The writing that's writ on the wall
Is italic, and forty feet tall [penelope] I'll return the kindness. It's a BAC-ee from OLD ara BEE. "Baccy" was common usage when I was a lad; my pipe-smoking father never referred to it by any other name. The Archaic "Araby" seemed to fit perfectly with "old".
Hidden textIt's a baccy from old Araby / Burns smoothly and lights easily / Just one single match / And the dried-up leaves catch / And I suck down the fumes greedily
Hidden textthat's all very well Sierra Mike - but it's a team game and you have to take into account the mind-set of the ... anyway, enough of these convoluted justifications for *bad play* - can we just get on with the game? It was working rather well up there ^^
[Spangle]
Hidden text Bad play? The scansion was straight from ISIHAC and the previous line (and I STILL can't imagine how penelope came up with her metre for the line), google hits baccy on the first try and the limerick I wrote in response was from the top of my head, stream of consciousness. An easy rhyme, with acceptable scansion. Doesn't get more team oriented than that.
It says: Children - let's play
Nicely all day
Nice and gentle all day; And do not kick those arses at all!
Hidden textTo see this you must click 'reveal'
And the reason I chose to conceal
u.s.a
Does such play have any appeal?
I'd say that it doesn't
Shall I spoil? No I mustn't tough rhyme KS
Hidden lines (when they fail!) is no big deal
The visions we build with our lines
Are matched by most motorway signs sorry above - didn't realise not all can access the reveal feature
The white and the blue
And the green and black too No-one seems to have noticed Tuj's hidden move.
(Raak)
Hidden textI passed my mouse over it but that was after the following 2 posters had completely ignored it. It was very much in the spirit of what I intended when I began with a 'Hide' - nice one Tuj. I fear some of us are too subtle
Are always covered in vines!

Spangle: Minus 2 points for multiposting without license
Softers: Minus 2 points for not observing Tuj's hidden line
The rest: Well played all
There was an old lady of Kent
With a fortune that still was unspent
A young man on the make
And a bit of a rake
In her riches made a big dent
There was an old fellow from Surrey Shut up at the back!
Who late at night started to worry
'Bout the Euro and Pound
Then he suddenly found
That the Irish had just said they're sorry
There was an Architecture student
(FGZ) Would you like to have another go with some that has the right rhythm and has a few rhymes?
Let's try
A student of architecture
Had ambitions both noble and pure
His fine fenestration
Was just demonstration
Of some of his cunning allure.
On yesterday, my birthday fell
Hidden textI wonder how far it fell?
And the gifts were all brilliantly swell
I particularly like
My fish on a bike
And the crack from the Liberty Bell
There's an elephant stuck in my door
He says he's not from Bangalore
But from Disneyland ®
With a full marching band
...but they're late! It's my birthday no more! </scansion-bending>
An unbirthday party sounds nice
Are you coming? I won't ask you twice
There's cake - but no candles
Because of the vandals
And no tarts as we're all anti-vice.
Your honour, my client is blameless
But the guilty shall still remain nameless
We admit he was there
And shed a loose hair
So he's balding, not guilty, but shameless.
I've a notion to tame a gorilla [pen,Ros] delicately finished, kudos
By off'ring it strawb'rry vanilla (Tuj) Cheers.
Ice cream or candy
Perhaps some brandy
I think I'll name it Godzilla!
There's far too much bran in my diet
Ever since my doc said I should try it
It goes through me so fast
And it ends with a blast
And now I feel deflated and quiet
I really wish I could explain
To Frenchmen, Danes and Turks
How to optimize rhymes [Rosie: To a Frenchman, a Turk and a Dane?]
Oh Arse, buggeration and Rupert Murdoch! I must've thought it was a Pea and Honey Recipe. Try this then:
To the average Frenchman or Dane
How to optimize rhymes (Marc) I've put yours in again, as the art mistress said to the gardener.
For these cold, rainy climes
And why rain always falls on the plain
My standard reply is denial [Rosie] Just so happens with a bit of stress manipulation my line could've been either!
I'm from Barcelona, I smile (Tuj) That may have been what misled me, apart from inattention.
And say "Si, si - mañana
"We have no bañana" oblig.
I'm brimful of Catalan guile
There was a young fellow called Frank
Who laughed all the way to the bank
His sperm for to sell
But he tripped and he fell
And said: "That was a waste of a .."I'll get my coat
The holiday season is grand
but I wish you'd just hold my hand
I get lost in the crowds
Coz my head's in the clouds (KS, G) Little scope for decent rhymes. Are you one person doing double postings under two names?
When I hug your right mammary gland... (Cloud number seven?)
I'm gonna jump in with a punt (Blame Jim. I challenge you all to avoid any smut with this one!)
While eating a cake - a great Bundt
Which I bought in Nantucket
Along with a bucket
After I had a lunt lunt: smoke a pipe. Also, me? I am one person. KagomeShuko is my single screen name I use now. Giertrud is not me.
There once was a Japanese fighter [KS,G Occasionally I'm also a little schizo!] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tekagi-shuko
Who had a mishap with a lighter
His Zero caught fire
And he faced Tojo's ire
For smoking at work, the poor blighter.
There once was a Christmas elf
Who suffered from very poor helf
So he went to the doc
Who did naught but mock
And charged him the bulk of his welf
Nngh Naouwfaouwk vaey aouw taouwk woik vif "In Norfolk they all talk like this"
Whaa'? Even 'ng pahsh taoüns loike Diff? "What? Even in posh towns like Diss?"
Jeg vil prøve å lære det "I'd try to learn it"
Fast jag är en analfabet "Though I am an analphabit"
Póg mo thóin! Tá mo bhríste trí thine! "Kiss my ass! My trousers are burning like this"
There once was a chic little chick (back to basics)
A fashionista that made the rest sick
Her little black dress
Revealed to the press
A house built of silicone brick "If you can remember the seventies, would you admit it?"
Marc - Twas the Night before Christmas I think,
That I thought I would have a wee drink
So I poured out a brandy
Got a hooker called Mandy
And called Charlie Sheen's shrink. (apologies about the reference to the US News)
At the end of this year let me say,
It's been 52 weeks of great play
This collective of wit
- since its fuse was first lit -
has taxed my matter that's gray.
A new year's a time for new things
And a time when ev'rybody sings
So let's sip some wine
With some food that's divine (Can anyone please explain Giertrud's line? I do not understand it at all but I am a blody foreigner of course...)
And wait till the microwave pings . Grey matter - a reference to the stuff inside the head - i.e. the brain.
I've forgotten the things that I knew
For example, is this year still new?
And if not, then how old
We should all be told
If I'm kept in the dark - I shall sue
While stuck on the M25
A shortcut I tried to contrive
But my detour through SloughYou have the option - sluff or slouw...
Was more than enough enuff or enow...
To add a half hour to my drive
Hey, have you seen my rubber?
If I don't find it I'll blubber.
Is it this one - the black? (G and KS, I admire the remarcable precision in two different persons posting ;-)
Flavoured if you need a snack
Another mercy killing -
Bubba bubba bubba bubba bubba
Now play properly!
Spangle, your license is now confiscated. You may go to your room and stay there!
We'd very much like you to try
Finding rhymes that will fit, don't be shy
When you've done that
Verses won't go all "splat"
Or fizzle out and just die
Oh look! Here's a blow-up sheep!
[G] No there isn't. 1. It doesn't scan. 2. It's effing childish. Try harder.
[penelope] I, too, am deeply disappointed with the children's recent behaviour.
Spangle - I need to confess to a crime
I've wasted four hours of your time
But in my defence
I will use common sense
To provide you both reason and rhyme
I need to confess to a sin
I went out the door that said "In"
My erratic egress
To my X's address
Is because my mind's in a spin
Was a flimsy excuse to buy gin
My shame of embarrassing sin oh this is turning out to be a sorry tale...
I've drowned in a gallon of gin
My soul's taken flight
So I think that I might
Have some fun in the hell that I'm in
Alas and alack! Woe, is me!
I think I just scraped my knee!
As I kneeled on the floor
Wrestling with a trapdoor [Marc] Is "kneeled" modern American for "knelt"?
While fleeing the L.A.P.D.[Raak] both are acceptable here in the States.
There once was a kneeling young nun [Raak] Don't ask me, I'm an alien using MS-word for my poofreading...
Who thought she'd stand up just for fun
Her habit then ripped.
And her modesty slipped
But she made the third page of 'The Sun'
Monty Python would just be so proud
if you played a tuba that's loud!
With dead parrots in tow
Let's get on with the show!
Individuals all in this crowd!
Whilst playing "The Liberty Bell"
Our bandstand collapsed - then we fell
And the bell fell and cracked
So with guilt I am wracked
And Ben Franklin is giving me hell
A round of applause please - I've just
Excavated this ancient Greek bust
It is Aphrodite
It's going back to Blighty
After I've cleaned all the dust.
My camera's screen's certainly dying
I broke my scanner too without much trying
So now I can't scan - pun intended - oh yeah
'cause when shit hits the fan [Spangle] Brilliant!
It is off to the shop and start buying.
While bringing a meeting to order
I played the Bach "Air" on recorder
After tapping the mike
Someone said "Take a hike!"
For my Musical Offering just bored her.
I've done all your laundry by hand well... almost half of it - the washing machine is broken
And to scrub every floor I have planned
Including the loo
And the soot-laden flue
And the beach that's STILL covered in sand!
One day an old Pearly King
Was somehow mistaken for Sting
Every breath that he took
Caused his fizzog to look
Like a tantric arrangement of bling
It's so cold I think hell freezes over
As I'm driving my old Vauxhall Nova
My fingers are numb
And so is my bum (oblig.)
How long is it 'til I read Dover?
It's taken four years to explain
Where the rain falls in some parts of Spain
Yet the answer was clear
It's in Andalucía
Hidden textDriest part, actually. Too bad.
Where they have located the drain!
I tried finding words to rhyme clear
Then gave up, and went to buy beer
When I entered the store
I found it cost more
So my eye developed a tear
I cried, and I cried, and I cried,
For I tried, and I tried, and I tried
But dear oh dear
I do fear, I do fear
That you lied and you lied and you lied.
[M, R, S, i, P] That's the most heart-rending limerick I think we've ever had. Well done.
Now let's think of cheerier matters
Like Tommy Cooper and other mad hatters
Morecombe and Wise?
Making mud pies
With their dressing gowns covered in spatters
It's time for my daily banana
All smothered with pureed sultana
A durian milk shake
(Quite a smelly mistake!)
Maybe I'll come back manãna
There's a reason I don't like young Dave
And I'll share it with you 'cause I'm brave
Is, he scares me, y'see
With that noise as he wee
And the daredevil way that he shave Marc, is English your native language? Because sometimes I wonder, the way you force rhymes in when the subject and sense just don't fit.
There once was a man with a beard
Which he grew because folks said he leered
But he leered unabated
At each lady he dated
And that Sir, is how come he got sheared.
While trying to play Brubeck's Take Five
My feet started dancing the jive
Their groovy gyrations
Made large perturbations
- I'm told that her toes won't survive.
Tonight is a full Lenten Moon
Which comes not a moment too soon
For I have indulged
And my belly has bulged
I admit - I'm a thorough poltroon
My favourite Uncle has claimed
That he was mistakenly blamed
For the financial mess
And for cheating in chess
For which he was named, shamed and maimed.
[p,S,M,P] :-)
"In jail you belong Uncle Andy!"
"Your excesses go beyond randy"
"For your lecherous way"
"You now have to pay"
But first, pour me some of that brandy?
Please stop this absurd punctuation
It leads to complete obfuscation
Say the words as they're spelled
Like "yacht", "Keighley", "knelt" (Raak) I'm sure you meant "spelt".
or "supertranssubstantiation"
All of us use electricity
Its chiefest appeal is simplicity
However, some find
That Propane gas, combined
In the kitchen causes duplicity
My mouse balls are sticky with dust
Which disables the joy of mouse lust well, really!
So I've screwed off the plug
Gave its balls a good tug
All of which leaves my mouse quite nonplussed
My monitor's baleful stare
Seems to plead, "Is anyone there?"
The answer, so sad
Because it's just a fad
To use this outdated hardware.
I've revived my old VC10
Which I last flew in - goodness known when!
Though its synthetic sound (http://www.vintagesynth.com/korg/vc10.php)
Makes it bound to the ground
Though we're airborne each Friday at ten.
The next time I see a black cat
At it I shall throw my hat
I shall swear curse and spit [Softers] Wouldn't 'old hat' give your line a better scansion?
As I rightly see fit
Then kick it away. And that's that.
Incredible as it may seem
I like being broad in the beam
The comfort I get
From a full buttock set
Is matched by a fine bosom team
[P, i, p, So, Sp] Jolly good, I enjoyed that :-)
My shoulder is hurting like hell
And it makes my arm ache as well Actually this is timely, I have a trapped nerve in my shoulder and it does hurt like hell!
I must give up darts
And start dating tarts
As my jerk-muscle's started to swell.
I shall reach for my coat and my hat
Don them, adjust my cravat (Chasty) Your jerk muscles are situated in your hand and forearm and I detect overuse.
The make for the door
For us who don't score
The whorehouse will remedy that
My life has been turned upside down
In my new job as "Famed Head-stand Clown"
The blood to my head rushes
Which gives me hot flushes
Which at least brings some kind of renown
There once was a man who was smart
Who could cunningly conceal a fart
Or so he had thought Fool. You can never achieve that.
Because he was caught
Claiming hydrogen sulphide as art.
I wish I had super strength
I'd not ask, "Are the foils all a length?"
I would just use me arms
And switch on all my charms
Albeit imbibe far less absinthe.
One day while washing my car
Of bird droppings, fag ash and tar Last one absolutely dreadful.
Which clogged up my chamois *careful now*
And made it all clammy Antipodean Pronunciation invoked
Now it's shining and worthy a Czar
In French, but not English, there's gender (Pablo) Wot, clamwah?.
In UK its a wing, not a fender
US -"center", not "centre"
but you can tell what is meant: a
In this case we've arrived at The Ender.
My boss (it's a she) never knows
The colour I've painted my toes
One day I'll surprise her
By using Budweiser
And the powder left from Cheetos.
The good folk of Chorlton-cum-Hardy
Are quite underweight - never lardy
But the chiels o' Dumfries
Are loaded with grease
Smelly, obese and quite mardy
There was an old man of Dundee called William Topaz McGonagall.
Who wrote verse that the people of Dundee and beyond found comical
He strove with heroic verse both night and day
Each effort more disastrous than the Tay
His poetry you can still see, serialised in the Edinburgh Chronicle
It seems at last we've found our level
And so we can begin to revel [Simons]Is this some quaint old Tudor metre for limericks that you have resurrected?
Poetic form is so passé 4 lines, AABB?
The Lim'rick déclassé - It still works as a Limerick, IMHO: It seems at last we've found our level / And so we can begin to revel / Poetic (pronounced pwetic) form is so passé
But this stuff sounds more like Phil Neville. (Phil notNeville) You're a kinder man than me. SM's line can be greatly improved by inverting we've and at last. (Pablo) Any further references to "quaint old Tudor" will be treated with the utmost disdain. :-)
So who took my great name in vain
The whole world, old chap, once again Not a diamond geezer, then.
On the silvery Tay
As you stood up to say: [Rosie]Scorn my Tudor references as you will, the fact remains that Simons started us off in 6/8 metre but with crotchet-quaver pattern ending on a weak beat, whereas you finish with traditional limerick 6/8, all in quavers and finishing on the strong beat. Metric mismatch! (Sorry for expressing it in musical terms but have forgotten all that anapestic/trochaic/pterodactyls stuff.)
"Would you look at that f***ing big train!"
That's silly enough for the nonce
About with this stuff let's not ponce (Pablo) It was mock indignation, a joke (note the smiley), nothing to do with metre. Are you aware of my real name, and age? I thought most the the Morniverse was.
Just get to the point
Or we'll have to appoint
A gendarme to whack noobs on the bonce.
I spied from behind a net curtain
A something, of which I'm not certain? It could be... may-be not... or may-be it's... No, sorry I can't make it out, can any of you?
Could it be a duck? [Rosie] re name and age, I have heard rumours, but would not like to act on anything unsubstantiated :-)
Flattened out by a truck
Or hotpot by Betty Turpin
The Thames did once stink to high heaven
In fact, you could smell it from Devon
But some Eau de Cologne
Shipped by old Sly Stallone
Raised the pH to eleven. Caustic comments awaited.
It's true! I've seen elves, gnomes, and fairies
Who always pick my strawberries.
These funny wee folk
My joints they will smoke
And annoy me by shouting "Hail Marys"
While mowing my lawn in the rain
My foot felt a quite sudden pain
It turns out I'd stood
On something that should
Have driven a maniac insane.
Last night as I went to the pub
for a pint, or maybe some grub
But stood at the bar
Was my own avatar
Who'd escaped from the Second Life hub. Anyone else here active on Second Life?
I've just written a lovely new tune
A duet for steel drum and bassoon
Its tinny low drone
Like an orgasmic groan
Sounds so sweet on a warm night in June. Apparently not, then.
I stood on my own in the dark
Aghast, in Van Cortlandt Park
With my money all gone
In the Bronx, all forlorn
I felt a bit of a nark
Don't look at the sun through binocs
Or sail over Niag. in a box
If thrills you must seek
Just pretend you are Greek
And try changing fonts in a .docx
[Raak] I spent a few months playing with Second Life a few years back. I found it interesting but also somewhat baffling. I think I never figured out whether to be me, or whether I should be creating some new persona. Maybe I should take a look back in there again sometime.
[CdM] It's said that introverts tend to make avatars that are copies of themselves, while extroverts make avatars completely unlike themselves. My first av was basically a copy of me, although it's evolved away from that (for one thing, it's female now), and my second I started with something random and have been tweaking it ever since. I'm still the same person behind the keyboard though -- I find it impossible to put on a different manner with a different avatar.
My avatar's manic and loud
It wants to stand out in the crowd
To advertise me
And accept a small fee
And for this I am not at all proud.
There once was a wonderful kisser
(It's no wonder so many miss her.)
Her lips she did pucker
Like a giant squid's sucker
But sadly she's pulling your pisser The one with the belt missing, thanks
My trenchcoat is missing its belt
I found out just now when I felt u.s.a.
The breeze quite so cold
It made certain things BOLD
So i hurried back home at full pelt...
I know where I am - I am lost!
And really don't need to be bossed!
So shuddupa ya face
Just get on the case
And tell me which oceans I've crossed?
Relying on GPS
I think there's a missing 'my' in that line. On that assumption:
Is a sure route to anguish and stress
It's well-known to deceive
Or at least I believe
'Cos I wanted Bough Beech; got Loch Ness.
A certain young kangaroo
To an emu said, "How do you do?"
The emu replied
"Good! You Bonnie, me Clyde"
"Let us rob this here old boring zooo!"
There once was a golden-brown beer
That brought many pub crawlers good cheer
but at Earls Court
Always asked for "Red Port"
And was rightly chucked out on 'is ear.
Myself, I prefer a nice pinot
Or a cool Andalucian fino
But if push comes to shove
I've an illicit love
For pretty much any cheap vino.
Ha - v neat!
What Mr or Ms Bystander just said. That was excellent.

Life is too short for bad wine
Though having said that I'll opine [c,S,C,I,P] Stellar!
That even the worst
Will extinguish your thirst ...ugh...
And too much will rend you supine
I lie on my back and I think
Oh why did I have that last drink?
As my gut starts to churn
And my face starts to gurn
I quickly head for the sink
The porcelain throne I now face
Which my arsehole's about to deface One for you, Phil.
Both ends will soon spew
My message to you
While myself, I disgrace.
A topic of general bad taste
Is likely to get you maced
A sense of decorum
In this here forum
Behave - or forever be chased ...
I just splashed out on some new bedding
Where my bride will lay after our wedding
I hope she likes neon
'Cos it must be an aeon (irach) Is lay transitive? If so, who is the layee? The bridgegroom, presumably. If intransitive is she a chicken, great in egg? Did you mean lie?.
And put her in the mood for clothes shedding.
[Rosie]lay (lâ) transitive verb , (Slang) to have sexual intercourse with. ("Layee" works both ways, it's not just the groom's prerogative - ever heard of "woman on top", or do you think just "missionary"?
As I climbed to the top of the tower
I saw just out of reach, a small flower
With petals petite
And aroma so sweet,
Tried to pick it and fell for an hour.... (crash-boom-bang)
There are ways that are good and there's bad
Ways to explain to your dad
That you've just seen your Mum (irach) All blather. You meant lie, just as the woman next door meant when I used to hear her bellowing at her baby to "lay down!" "Pass him the bottles, then", I mutter. In any case, one doesn't lay; one gets laid.
oh dear, the possiblities. but i resist... With that idiot from
(cfm) "From" doesn't rhyme with "Mum". Are you some typically dimwitted fucking Yank or something?

[irach] The Merriam-Webster Dictionary of English Usage (which is the only truly worthwhile reference on style I have ever come across) observes that, in spoken English, "...there is the simple longevity of intransitive lay, almost 700 years of continuous use." It concludes its entry as follows (emphasis mine):
"Notwithstanding the belief of some that social judgments can be solidly based on language use, the lay-lie shibboleth may be changing its status. For instance, several commentators, such as Evans 1957, Follett 1966, and Flesch 1983, are perfectly willing to give the distinction up; Bolinger 1980 thinks it is already a lost cause not worth defending; Copperud 1970, 1980 judges the consensus of his experts that at least some uses of lay for lie are verging on standard; Flesch even goes so far as to recommend using lay for lie if it comes naturally to you.

"If lay "lie" is on the rise socially, however, it is likely to be a slow rise, as indignant letters to the editor attest. Bolinger observes sensibly that if you have invested some effort in learning the distinction, you will not want to admit that you have wasted your time. ... So what should you do? The best advice seems to be Bolinger's:
"Many people use lay for lie, but certain others will judge you uncultured if you do. Decide for yourself what is best for you."


[Rosie] Dear oh dear oh dear. You really need to get out more, see the world. There are many more ways of speaking English than you encounter in your particular little corner of suburbia.
"From" barely rhyme "Mum": http://www.rhymezone.com/r/rhyme.cgi?Word=mum&typeofrhyme=perfect&org1=syl&org2=l&org3=y
Rosie vs the rest: 0 - 2
Interestingly the 'lay/lie' issue is addressed by Geoffrey Pullum today in Language Log and he sticks to the (in)transitive distinction more than Merriam-Webster does. I think there may be a bit of transatlantic variation here on the levels of acceptability. I also wouldn't rhyme 'mum' and 'from' any more than 'mom' and 'crumb', though I wouldn't call someone out on it.
This is all just the result of a typing error. I'm sure that cfm simply omitted to type the word "Brum" at the end of his line in his line before posting.
The Pru [he's a bit of a cad]. Now stop being a silly, Rosie. You're worth more than this pettyfogging quibblesome nonsense. And I do believe that's the very first time I have used the word pettyfogging - - - :^)
If you make me an offer I might
Do something to you to delight
For sufficient incentive
I can be quite inventive
And promise to play - not to fight!
Would you like to come over and play?
I've fun toys here--what do you say?
There's Tigger and Roo
And don't forget Pooh!
But forget Andy Pandy - he's gay
Should we play today out in the street? [p,c,i,g,s] applause
Smash a shop, bash a cop on his beat!
We can burn with impunity
Destroy our community
—Ah, look at those kids. Ain't they sweet?
well done
If you wake in the middle of the night
With an feeling that something's not right
Grab your old cricket bat
And put on a hard hat
Will this you laid? Well - it might.
Let there be no doubt at all about the meaning of 'laid'
If an egg can get laid in the morning
It may do so without any warning.
The poor shell-shocked hen
Gets caught short in its pen
And the cock shake his tail and start mourning ...
The chick or the egg - what came first?
The Eggs! From their shells chicks do burst!
But who laid the eggs?
Is the question this begs
Damn it! Let them be cursed and recursed!
There were eggs before chicks had evolved
The issue, I think, is resolved
Now, scrambled or fried?
I can never decide
And what's more - will not get involved
Fry me some eggs in sweet butter
While I practise long strokes with my putter
Bring me baked beans [Tuj] That was a truly excellent line.
While I put on my jeans
Do I sound like a farty golf nutter?
If planted, this seed will produce ... Enough with the egg thing!
A berry beloved by moose
If you climb up the tree
You're certain to see
Bullwinkle up there, on the loose
[irach} *smiles*
When the road has become kind of Rocky
Take advice from an amateur jockey
Keep your bum in the air
Cling on tight to your mare
Or you'll throw up your pre-race lunch gnocchi
In Siberia, gnocchi are served
In a manner that leaves me unnerved
'Cos pasta on tundra
Will make me a chund'rer
And that is just what I've deserved...
This night I woke up in a dream
And said "Things are not quite as they seem"
I can't cross the oceans
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