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The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated
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And so it begins....
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I stopped in Llangollen for tea
And when I was sated
My watch indicated
The time was a quarter to three
This paint has gone hard in the tin!
It now has that rhino-like skin (irach) My Dad went to school in Llangollen, where he learnt English.
Yet its shocking pink hue (Rosie)I had come from the US to work on a biotechnology project in Wrecsam and had visited nearby Llangollen four years ago. Lovely place.
Stops me feeling blue
And makes me break out in a grin.
There never was a marshmallow
Made from taconite, asphalt and tallow
But the latest from Lidl (irach) Yes, nice place. But can you pronounce it? You could be forgiven if you can't. "Wrecsam" is a fairly recent Welshification of the original English name. A bit clumsy, seeing that it doesn't obey the rules of Welsh pronunciation if pronounced as "Wrexham" but a change from the usual traffic in the opposite direction (eg Cardiff, Pembroke, Lampeter, Brecon, Barmouth).
Is quite a riddle
Though the flavor, it is a bit shallow.
Oops, line needed!
My mother thinks I need a shave
Crappy scansion:

KagomeShuko - My mum thinks I need a shave
Software - So I'll just have to be brave

[Softers] Worse. What exactly was wrong with the original? It has the same beat pattern as others on this page.
KagomeShuko - My mother thinks I need a shave
Software - And so I'll just have to be brave
I Say, Porter! - My new cut-throat razor
Propelled by green-laser
Was bought off a cockney called Dave
One day while out drinking Real Ale
I heard a most agonised wail
It went "Ralph!" and then "Huey!"
It looked like chop-suey
It happens each time without fail.
"This paté is off!" I exclaimed
"That darned novice chef must be blamed!"
Is what we contrive
Hidden textI just went back over the various verses herein and I believe that the ones in which line three was used to develop the theme in lines one and two seem to give a sense of unified completion whereas those in which line three veers off into new territory end up conveying an unfinished feel more often than not. It doesn't seem to matter much in this scheme of evaluation whether line two takes a sudden left turn. Of course, now I come to think about it, a line two diversion leaves fifty percent more poem time to work through the new idea than a line three unsignalled turn.
Hidden textIn My Opinion, of course, and I'm not suggesting anything needs fixing.
When PETA's petition's defamed
A beetle, a slug, and a squirrel
Named Bernie, David and Cyril struggling for a rhyme
Left Liverpool's shore
For they'd come to deplore
Their mis'rable lives on the Wirral nice work, Spangle!
American Football's more like "hand-egg"
Thanks Phil. But sorry KagomeS - you are making it very difficult for others to play nicely, as they say.
[Sprangle] In my humble opinion it is not better, nor worse, than the average standard these days...
KagomeShuko - American Football's more like "hand-egg"
Marc - And USA pints are more a beer-keg
This isn't a limerick
So we rhyme with a little dick
And light the fuse to the powder-keg ***BoooooM***

There was an old man of East Cheam
Who was known to be "broad in the beam"
His magnificent rump
Was both rounded and plump
And out of his bunghole came steam.
My mother snores like a pig
[KS] Don't you mean your grandmother?
And besides she is awfully big (assuming grandmother for several reasons ;-)
Asleep on her back
All her muscles go slack
And off slip her rings, teeth and wig.
To prevent vi'lent earthquakes one must
Roll in a pile of gold dust
And then drill a deep hole
Eat ragoût of vole
And watch 'Monte Carlo Or Bust'.
The fear of a bursting balloon
Has fettered this worthy Walloon Walloon: n. One of a French-speaking people of Celtic descent inhabiting southern and southeast Belgium and adjacent regions of France.
For a bang in Bastogne
Makes him flee to Boulogne
And wet his brand new pantaloon
In the theatre I'll make a new life!
Away from the trouble and strife
As the curtain ascends
I have four hundred friends
At the end they threw apples and knifes!
"This weekend the office is closed,"
"We're having the furniture hosed"
"All the coffee and crumbs"
are all quoted by Mums
When they're feeling unkindly disposed

So shoot me :^)
No problem! Marc, pass me my gun Well you asked for it Spangle
Multiposters shall die, every one! (Actually, we usually let them off with a keelhauling these days.)
But first we'll keelhaul 'em
Hidden textBut we keelhaul 'em first would have been kinder
Then let rottweilers maul 'em Can't believe the assembled peoples did not object vociferously to Marc's utterly atrocious "knifes".
Then chop off their heads just for fun! (Sorry folks, I saw a lot of rotten apples and knives in the air that night… ;-)
Long ago when all maidens were chaste,
And their stays were laced tight at the waist
Men used to try
All brave men used to try (adding a few syllables...)
With a grip ‘round their thigh
If their legs were sufficiently spaced

He shrugged off their words with distain
Accompanied by this refrain:
"Sticks and stones - hurt my bones,"
Do people get some perverse pleasure out of spoiling this game for others? C'mon man - you've been playing here long enough :^)
Let's see what can be done with this
"Your sticks and stones
May hurt my bones"
But, you see, I'm in love with such pain

He shrugged off their words with distain
Accompanied by this refrain:
"Sticks and stones - hurt my bones,
As do hurled traffic cones
But, you see, I'm in love with such pain"

 ?

[SM] Well done - I didn't see anything wrong with Marc's line either, which uses a correct anapaestic rhythm. I would like to object to no-one picking up on the incorrect spelling of "disdain" though.
[Phil] I overlooked nasty "distain"
There's a problem it seems with my brain
It seems to be telling
Me to ignore spelling
When used in a hum'rous refrain

Sorry for horrible scansion.

He shrugged off their words with disdain
Accompanied by this refrain:
"Sticks and stones - hurt my bones,
Not to mention cellphones,
That keeps filling my ears with deep pain!”
(enough of this then...)
[Phil] Interesting - until you said it, I couldn't hear Marc's line in a way that made it correct. The influence of the rhythm of the original 'Sticks and stones' chant just got in the way, I suppose.
A young lady from old London town
Wore to Ascot a transparent gown
The resulting mêlée
Caused by said negligée
Turned the once verdant lawn dirty brown
This young woman's gauzy attire The theme is worth developing a little more
Was based on a thin frame of wire
It was easily bent
To convert to a tent
With a leftover piece for a spire.
Friday night and the eggnogs are free (Well done all, free eggnogs to everybody including Sprangle!)
The young ladies are drunk as can be
Alas, so am I
And I want pumpkin pie
But none of these babes bake, you see?
The cult of the hero is flawed (Cheers Marc - jolly generous under the circs :^)
Lesser mortals are easily awed
With gold head and clay feet
They're not quite the elite
They should all be put to the sword
A deep-fried pork pie's just the thing
To make arteries lose their zing
Though the taste is insipid
Being quite high in lipid
It will clog our veins with a wring...
There's a show on the old BBC
‘bout a sex-selling young frenchisee (sic)
Dr Who's Billie Piper
Is scared by a viper
Are you sure it's not ITV3?
I've got an idea for a show:
Called 'How Does Your Garden Grow?'
Its hostess' name's Mary
She's big, blond and scary
When brandishing dibber and hoe
I've got an idea for a shoe
That involves pink feathers and glue
It's most orthopaedic
If somewhat comedic
'cause the size that I need is 'canoe'...
Now that was really nice. Shall I start another?
I've got an idea for a jacket Allow me, m'dear.
It's got bling and will cost me a packet
Its ermine-trimmed ruff
Doubles up as a muff
So I'll call it my < Cockney Rhyming Slang > Desmond Hackett </Cockney Rhyming Slang >
[Softers] I think your Desmond Hackett also needs to be old.
My trousers are have broken the mould
They're pink satin and sequined in gold
Though tight in the seat
They make it look neat [pen] yes, I meant to but forgot :o(
When they splat and my bare butt got cold.
Oh Dear, won't you please come inside,
At least 'til the bloodstains have dried
This axe in my head
Is no cause for dread
I'm an extra in 'Frankenstein's Bride'
Excellent!
I once found an eye in my soup
It stared at me through beefy goop
My mom said, "It's a pea,"
But I knew it could see
‘cause it blinked – it was Billy the Snoop! (Why me?)
"My dear Watson, I think it was you,"
"Who has spent the weekend sniffing glue"
"What I smoke in my pipe"
"Is something more ripe"
"(It's a horse of a different hue)"
"It's a 'baccy from old Araby"
"Yon beetle crawlin' in it? It's scaraby"
[SM & irach] I got hit twice with that one!Ouch!!
"Belonged to Imhotep"
[penelope] Okay, I'll bite: What is wrong with my first line?
Who had lots of pep Sierra Mike - just difficult to rhyme, I think.
Hidden textAlso, what's a "'baccy?"
Oh dear O dear O dear - and we were doing SO well back up there ^^^ :^(
Growing smokeless tobacco at Niles Abbey http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tabennae

At submission make sure brain is ON, (Sometimes rhyme and scansion must be ignored for educational purposes ;-)
Lest scansion and rhyme isn't done
the failure to check [SM] I'll try and be kind! 'Araby', with its stress on the second syllable is very hard to rhyme and scan. And the fact that you had to tailor the word for tobacco AND the word for Arabia to make a first line makes me think you were trying too hard whilst ignoring the basics. If it doesn't scan, it, er, doesn't scan.
Can make a train wreck
Keep it simple - lest all wit be gone
The writing that's writ on the wall
Is italic, and forty feet tall [penelope] I'll return the kindness. It's a BAC-ee from OLD ara BEE. "Baccy" was common usage when I was a lad; my pipe-smoking father never referred to it by any other name. The Archaic "Araby" seemed to fit perfectly with "old".
Hidden textIt's a baccy from old Araby / Burns smoothly and lights easily / Just one single match / And the dried-up leaves catch / And I suck down the fumes greedily
Hidden textthat's all very well Sierra Mike - but it's a team game and you have to take into account the mind-set of the ... anyway, enough of these convoluted justifications for *bad play* - can we just get on with the game? It was working rather well up there ^^
[Spangle]
Hidden text Bad play? The scansion was straight from ISIHAC and the previous line (and I STILL can't imagine how penelope came up with her metre for the line), google hits baccy on the first try and the limerick I wrote in response was from the top of my head, stream of consciousness. An easy rhyme, with acceptable scansion. Doesn't get more team oriented than that.
It says: Children - let's play
Nicely all day
Nice and gentle all day; And do not kick those arses at all!
Hidden textTo see this you must click 'reveal'
And the reason I chose to conceal
u.s.a
Does such play have any appeal?
I'd say that it doesn't
Shall I spoil? No I mustn't tough rhyme KS
Hidden lines (when they fail!) is no big deal
The visions we build with our lines
Are matched by most motorway signs sorry above - didn't realise not all can access the reveal feature
The white and the blue
And the green and black too No-one seems to have noticed Tuj's hidden move.
(Raak)
Hidden textI passed my mouse over it but that was after the following 2 posters had completely ignored it. It was very much in the spirit of what I intended when I began with a 'Hide' - nice one Tuj. I fear some of us are too subtle
Are always covered in vines!

Spangle: Minus 2 points for multiposting without license
Softers: Minus 2 points for not observing Tuj's hidden line
The rest: Well played all
There was an old lady of Kent
With a fortune that still was unspent
A young man on the make
And a bit of a rake
In her riches made a big dent
There was an old fellow from Surrey Shut up at the back!
Who late at night started to worry
'Bout the Euro and Pound
Then he suddenly found
That the Irish had just said they're sorry
There was an Architecture student
(FGZ) Would you like to have another go with some that has the right rhythm and has a few rhymes?
Let's try
A student of architecture
Had ambitions both noble and pure
His fine fenestration
Was just demonstration
Of some of his cunning allure.
On yesterday, my birthday fell
Hidden textI wonder how far it fell?
And the gifts were all brilliantly swell
I particularly like
My fish on a bike
And the crack from the Liberty Bell
There's an elephant stuck in my door
He says he's not from Bangalore
But from Disneyland ®
With a full marching band
...but they're late! It's my birthday no more! </scansion-bending>
An unbirthday party sounds nice
Are you coming? I won't ask you twice
There's cake - but no candles
Because of the vandals
And no tarts as we're all anti-vice.
Your honour, my client is blameless
But the guilty shall still remain nameless
We admit he was there
And shed a loose hair
So he's balding, not guilty, but shameless.
I've a notion to tame a gorilla [pen,Ros] delicately finished, kudos
By off'ring it strawb'rry vanilla (Tuj) Cheers.
Ice cream or candy
Perhaps some brandy
I think I'll name it Godzilla!
There's far too much bran in my diet
Ever since my doc said I should try it
It goes through me so fast
And it ends with a blast
And now I feel deflated and quiet
I really wish I could explain
To Frenchmen, Danes and Turks
How to optimize rhymes [Rosie: To a Frenchman, a Turk and a Dane?]
Oh Arse, buggeration and Rupert Murdoch! I must've thought it was a Pea and Honey Recipe. Try this then:
To the average Frenchman or Dane
How to optimize rhymes (Marc) I've put yours in again, as the art mistress said to the gardener.
For these cold, rainy climes
And why rain always falls on the plain
My standard reply is denial [Rosie] Just so happens with a bit of stress manipulation my line could've been either!
I'm from Barcelona, I smile (Tuj) That may have been what misled me, apart from inattention.
And say "Si, si - mañana
"We have no bañana" oblig.
I'm brimful of Catalan guile
There was a young fellow called Frank
Who laughed all the way to the bank
His sperm for to sell
But he tripped and he fell
And said: "That was a waste of a .."I'll get my coat
The holiday season is grand
but I wish you'd just hold my hand
I get lost in the crowds
Coz my head's in the clouds (KS, G) Little scope for decent rhymes. Are you one person doing double postings under two names?
When I hug your right mammary gland... (Cloud number seven?)
I'm gonna jump in with a punt (Blame Jim. I challenge you all to avoid any smut with this one!)
While eating a cake - a great Bundt
Which I bought in Nantucket
Along with a bucket
After I had a lunt lunt: smoke a pipe. Also, me? I am one person. KagomeShuko is my single screen name I use now. Giertrud is not me.
There once was a Japanese fighter [KS,G Occasionally I'm also a little schizo!] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tekagi-shuko
Who had a mishap with a lighter
His Zero caught fire
And he faced Tojo's ire
For smoking at work, the poor blighter.
There once was a Christmas elf
Who suffered from very poor helf
So he went to the doc
Who did naught but mock
And charged him the bulk of his welf
Nngh Naouwfaouwk vaey aouw taouwk woik vif "In Norfolk they all talk like this"
Whaa'? Even 'ng pahsh taoüns loike Diff? "What? Even in posh towns like Diss?"
Jeg vil prøve å lære det "I'd try to learn it"
Fast jag är en analfabet "Though I am an analphabit"
Póg mo thóin! Tá mo bhríste trí thine! "Kiss my ass! My trousers are burning like this"
There once was a chic little chick (back to basics)
A fashionista that made the rest sick
Her little black dress
Revealed to the press
A house built of silicone brick "If you can remember the seventies, would you admit it?"

Marc - Twas the Night before Christmas I think,
That I thought I would have a wee drink
So I poured out a brandy
Got a hooker called Mandy
And called Charlie Sheen's shrink. (apologies about the reference to the US News)
At the end of this year let me say,
It's been 52 weeks of great play
This collective of wit
- since its fuse was first lit -
has taxed my matter that's gray.
A new year's a time for new things
And a time when ev'rybody sings
So let's sip some wine
With some food that's divine (Can anyone please explain Giertrud's line? I do not understand it at all but I am a blody foreigner of course...)
And wait till the microwave pings . Grey matter - a reference to the stuff inside the head - i.e. the brain.
I've forgotten the things that I knew
For example, is this year still new?
And if not, then how old
We should all be told
If I'm kept in the dark - I shall sue
While stuck on the M25
A shortcut I tried to contrive
But my detour through SloughYou have the option - sluff or slouw...
Was more than enough enuff or enow...
To add a half hour to my drive
Hey, have you seen my rubber?
If I don't find it I'll blubber.
Is it this one - the black? (G and KS, I admire the remarcable precision in two different persons posting ;-)
Flavoured if you need a snack
Another mercy killing -
Bubba bubba bubba bubba bubba
Now play properly!
Spangle, your license is now confiscated. You may go to your room and stay there!
We'd very much like you to try
Finding rhymes that will fit, don't be shy
When you've done that
Verses won't go all "splat"
Or fizzle out and just die
Oh look! Here's a blow-up sheep!
[G] No there isn't. 1. It doesn't scan. 2. It's effing childish. Try harder.
[penelope] I, too, am deeply disappointed with the children's recent behaviour.
Spangle - I need to confess to a crime
I've wasted four hours of your time
But in my defence
I will use common sense
To provide you both reason and rhyme
I need to confess to a sin
I went out the door that said "In"
My erratic egress
To my X's address
Is because my mind's in a spin
Was a flimsy excuse to buy gin
My shame of embarrassing sin oh this is turning out to be a sorry tale...
I've drowned in a gallon of gin
My soul's taken flight
So I think that I might
Have some fun in the hell that I'm in
Alas and alack! Woe, is me!
I think I just scraped my knee!
As I kneeled on the floor
Wrestling with a trapdoor [Marc] Is "kneeled" modern American for "knelt"?
While fleeing the L.A.P.D.[Raak] both are acceptable here in the States.
There once was a kneeling young nun [Raak] Don't ask me, I'm an alien using MS-word for my poofreading...
Who thought she'd stand up just for fun
Her habit then ripped.
And her modesty slipped
But she made the third page of 'The Sun'
Monty Python would just be so proud
if you played a tuba that's loud!
With dead parrots in tow
Let's get on with the show!
Individuals all in this crowd!
Whilst playing "The Liberty Bell"
Our bandstand collapsed - then we fell
And the bell fell and cracked
So with guilt I am wracked
And Ben Franklin is giving me hell
A round of applause please - I've just
Excavated this ancient Greek bust
It is Aphrodite
It's going back to Blighty
After I've cleaned all the dust.
My camera's screen's certainly dying
I broke my scanner too without much trying
So now I can't scan - pun intended - oh yeah
'cause when shit hits the fan [Spangle] Brilliant!
It is off to the shop and start buying.
While bringing a meeting to order
I played the Bach "Air" on recorder
After tapping the mike
Someone said "Take a hike!"
For my Musical Offering just bored her.
I've done all your laundry by hand well... almost half of it - the washing machine is broken
And to scrub every floor I have planned
Including the loo
And the soot-laden flue
And the beach that's STILL covered in sand!
One day an old Pearly King
Was somehow mistaken for Sting
Every breath that he took
Caused his fizzog to look
Like a tantric arrangement of bling
It's so cold I think hell freezes over
As I'm driving my old Vauxhall Nova
My fingers are numb
And so is my bum (oblig.)
How long is it 'til I read Dover?
It's taken four years to explain
Where the rain falls in some parts of Spain
Yet the answer was clear
It's in Andalucía
Hidden textDriest part, actually. Too bad.
Where they have located the drain!

I tried finding words to rhyme clear
Then gave up, and went to buy beer
When I entered the store
I found it cost more
So my eye developed a tear
I cried, and I cried, and I cried,
For I tried, and I tried, and I tried
But dear oh dear
I do fear, I do fear
That you lied and you lied and you lied.
[M, R, S, i, P] That's the most heart-rending limerick I think we've ever had. Well done.
Now let's think of cheerier matters
Like Tommy Cooper and other mad hatters
Morecombe and Wise?
Making mud pies
With their dressing gowns covered in spatters
It's time for my daily banana
All smothered with pureed sultana
A durian milk shake
(Quite a smelly mistake!)
Maybe I'll come back manãna
There's a reason I don't like young Dave
And I'll share it with you 'cause I'm brave
Is, he scares me, y'see
With that noise as he wee
And the daredevil way that he shave Marc, is English your native language? Because sometimes I wonder, the way you force rhymes in when the subject and sense just don't fit.
There once was a man with a beard
Which he grew because folks said he leered
But he leered unabated
At each lady he dated
And that Sir, is how come he got sheared.
While trying to play Brubeck's Take Five
My feet started dancing the jive
Their groovy gyrations
Made large perturbations
- I'm told that her toes won't survive.
Tonight is a full Lenten Moon
Which comes not a moment too soon
For I have indulged
And my belly has bulged
I admit - I'm a thorough poltroon
My favourite Uncle has claimed
That he was mistakenly blamed
For the financial mess
And for cheating in chess
For which he was named, shamed and maimed.
[p,S,M,P] :-)
"In jail you belong Uncle Andy!"
"Your excesses go beyond randy"
"For your lecherous way"
"You now have to pay"
But first, pour me some of that brandy?
Please stop this absurd punctuation
It leads to complete obfuscation
Say the words as they're spelled
Like "yacht", "Keighley", "knelt" (Raak) I'm sure you meant "spelt".
or "supertranssubstantiation"
All of us use electricity
Its chiefest appeal is simplicity
However, some find
That Propane gas, combined
In the kitchen causes duplicity
My mouse balls are sticky with dust
Which disables the joy of mouse lust well, really!
So I've screwed off the plug
Gave its balls a good tug
All of which leaves my mouse quite nonplussed
My monitor's baleful stare
Seems to plead, "Is anyone there?"
The answer, so sad
Because it's just a fad
To use this outdated hardware.
I've revived my old VC10
Which I last flew in - goodness known when!
Though its synthetic sound (http://www.vintagesynth.com/korg/vc10.php)
Makes it bound to the ground
Though we're airborne each Friday at ten.
The next time I see a black cat
At it I shall throw my hat
I shall swear curse and spit [Softers] Wouldn't 'old hat' give your line a better scansion?
As I rightly see fit
Then kick it away. And that's that.
Incredible as it may seem
I like being broad in the beam
The comfort I get
From a full buttock set
Is matched by a fine bosom team
[P, i, p, So, Sp] Jolly good, I enjoyed that :-)
My shoulder is hurting like hell
And it makes my arm ache as well Actually this is timely, I have a trapped nerve in my shoulder and it does hurt like hell!
I must give up darts
And start dating tarts
As my jerk-muscle's started to swell.

I shall reach for my coat and my hat
Don them, adjust my cravat (Chasty) Your jerk muscles are situated in your hand and forearm and I detect overuse.
The make for the door
For us who don't score
The whorehouse will remedy that
My life has been turned upside down
In my new job as "Famed Head-stand Clown"
The blood to my head rushes
Which gives me hot flushes
Which at least brings some kind of renown
There once was a man who was smart
Who could cunningly conceal a fart
Or so he had thought Fool. You can never achieve that.
Because he was caught
Claiming hydrogen sulphide as art.
I wish I had super strength
I'd not ask, "Are the foils all a length?"
I would just use me arms
And switch on all my charms
Albeit imbibe far less absinthe.
One day while washing my car
Of bird droppings, fag ash and tar Last one absolutely dreadful.
Which clogged up my chamois *careful now*
And made it all clammy Antipodean Pronunciation invoked
Now it's shining and worthy a Czar
In French, but not English, there's gender (Pablo) Wot, clamwah?.
In UK its a wing, not a fender
US -"center", not "centre"
but you can tell what is meant: a
In this case we've arrived at The Ender.
My boss (it's a she) never knows
The colour I've painted my toes
One day I'll surprise her
By using Budweiser
And the powder left from Cheetos.
The good folk of Chorlton-cum-Hardy
Are quite underweight - never lardy
But the chiels o' Dumfries
Are loaded with grease
Smelly, obese and quite mardy
There was an old man of Dundee called William Topaz McGonagall.
Who wrote verse that the people of Dundee and beyond found comical
He strove with heroic verse both night and day
Each effort more disastrous than the Tay
His poetry you can still see, serialised in the Edinburgh Chronicle
It seems at last we've found our level
And so we can begin to revel [Simons]Is this some quaint old Tudor metre for limericks that you have resurrected?
Poetic form is so passé 4 lines, AABB?
The Lim'rick déclassé - It still works as a Limerick, IMHO: It seems at last we've found our level / And so we can begin to revel / Poetic (pronounced pwetic) form is so passé
But this stuff sounds more like Phil Neville. (Phil notNeville) You're a kinder man than me. SM's line can be greatly improved by inverting we've and at last. (Pablo) Any further references to "quaint old Tudor" will be treated with the utmost disdain. :-)
So who took my great name in vain
The whole world, old chap, once again Not a diamond geezer, then.
On the silvery Tay
As you stood up to say: [Rosie]Scorn my Tudor references as you will, the fact remains that Simons started us off in 6/8 metre but with crotchet-quaver pattern ending on a weak beat, whereas you finish with traditional limerick 6/8, all in quavers and finishing on the strong beat. Metric mismatch! (Sorry for expressing it in musical terms but have forgotten all that anapestic/trochaic/pterodactyls stuff.)
"Would you look at that f***ing big train!"
That's silly enough for the nonce
About with this stuff let's not ponce (Pablo) It was mock indignation, a joke (note the smiley), nothing to do with metre. Are you aware of my real name, and age? I thought most the the Morniverse was.
Just get to the point
Or we'll have to appoint
A gendarme to whack noobs on the bonce.
I spied from behind a net curtain
A something, of which I'm not certain? It could be... may-be not... or may-be it's... No, sorry I can't make it out, can any of you?
Could it be a duck? [Rosie] re name and age, I have heard rumours, but would not like to act on anything unsubstantiated :-)
Flattened out by a truck
Or hotpot by Betty Turpin
The Thames did once stink to high heaven
In fact, you could smell it from Devon
But some Eau de Cologne
Shipped by old Sly Stallone
Raised the pH to eleven. Caustic comments awaited.
It's true! I've seen elves, gnomes, and fairies
Who always pick my strawberries.
These funny wee folk
My joints they will smoke
And annoy me by shouting "Hail Marys"
While mowing my lawn in the rain
My foot felt a quite sudden pain
It turns out I'd stood
On something that should
Have driven a maniac insane.
Last night as I went to the pub
for a pint, or maybe some grub
But stood at the bar
Was my own avatar
Who'd escaped from the Second Life hub. Anyone else here active on Second Life?
I've just written a lovely new tune
A duet for steel drum and bassoon
Its tinny low drone
Like an orgasmic groan
Sounds so sweet on a warm night in June. Apparently not, then.
I stood on my own in the dark
Aghast, in Van Cortlandt Park
With my money all gone
In the Bronx, all forlorn
I felt a bit of a nark
Don't look at the sun through binocs
Or sail over Niag. in a box
If thrills you must seek
Just pretend you are Greek
And try changing fonts in a .docx
[Raak] I spent a few months playing with Second Life a few years back. I found it interesting but also somewhat baffling. I think I never figured out whether to be me, or whether I should be creating some new persona. Maybe I should take a look back in there again sometime.
[CdM] It's said that introverts tend to make avatars that are copies of themselves, while extroverts make avatars completely unlike themselves. My first av was basically a copy of me, although it's evolved away from that (for one thing, it's female now), and my second I started with something random and have been tweaking it ever since. I'm still the same person behind the keyboard though -- I find it impossible to put on a different manner with a different avatar.
My avatar's manic and loud
It wants to stand out in the crowd
To advertise me
And accept a small fee
And for this I am not at all proud.
There once was a wonderful kisser
(It's no wonder so many miss her.)
Her lips she did pucker
Like a giant squid's sucker
But sadly she's pulling your pisser The one with the belt missing, thanks
My trenchcoat is missing its belt
I found out just now when I felt u.s.a.
The breeze quite so cold
It made certain things BOLD
So i hurried back home at full pelt...
I know where I am - I am lost!
And really don't need to be bossed!
So shuddupa ya face
Just get on the case
And tell me which oceans I've crossed?
Relying on GPS
I think there's a missing 'my' in that line. On that assumption:
Is a sure route to anguish and stress
It's well-known to deceive
Or at least I believe
'Cos I wanted Bough Beech; got Loch Ness.
A certain young kangaroo
To an emu said, "How do you do?"
The emu replied
"Good! You Bonnie, me Clyde"
"Let us rob this here old boring zooo!"
There once was a golden-brown beer
That brought many pub crawlers good cheer
but at Earls Court
Always asked for "Red Port"
And was rightly chucked out on 'is ear.
Myself, I prefer a nice pinot
Or a cool Andalucian fino
But if push comes to shove
I've an illicit love
For pretty much any cheap vino.
Ha - v neat!
What Mr or Ms Bystander just said. That was excellent.

Life is too short for bad wine
Though having said that I'll opine [c,S,C,I,P] Stellar!
That even the worst
Will extinguish your thirst ...ugh...
And too much will rend you supine
I lie on my back and I think
Oh why did I have that last drink?
As my gut starts to churn
And my face starts to gurn
I quickly head for the sink
The porcelain throne I now face
Which my arsehole's about to deface One for you, Phil.
Both ends will soon spew
My message to you
While myself, I disgrace.
A topic of general bad taste
Is likely to get you maced
A sense of decorum
In this here forum
Behave - or forever be chased ...
I just splashed out on some new bedding
Where my bride will lay after our wedding
I hope she likes neon
'Cos it must be an aeon (irach) Is lay transitive? If so, who is the layee? The bridgegroom, presumably. If intransitive is she a chicken, great in egg? Did you mean lie?.
And put her in the mood for clothes shedding.
[Rosie]lay (lâ) transitive verb , (Slang) to have sexual intercourse with. ("Layee" works both ways, it's not just the groom's prerogative - ever heard of "woman on top", or do you think just "missionary"?
As I climbed to the top of the tower
I saw just out of reach, a small flower
With petals petite
And aroma so sweet,
Tried to pick it and fell for an hour.... (crash-boom-bang)
There are ways that are good and there's bad
Ways to explain to your dad
That you've just seen your Mum (irach) All blather. You meant lie, just as the woman next door meant when I used to hear her bellowing at her baby to "lay down!" "Pass him the bottles, then", I mutter. In any case, one doesn't lay; one gets laid.
oh dear, the possiblities. but i resist... With that idiot from
(cfm) "From" doesn't rhyme with "Mum". Are you some typically dimwitted fucking Yank or something?

[irach] The Merriam-Webster Dictionary of English Usage (which is the only truly worthwhile reference on style I have ever come across) observes that, in spoken English, "...there is the simple longevity of intransitive lay, almost 700 years of continuous use." It concludes its entry as follows (emphasis mine):
"Notwithstanding the belief of some that social judgments can be solidly based on language use, the lay-lie shibboleth may be changing its status. For instance, several commentators, such as Evans 1957, Follett 1966, and Flesch 1983, are perfectly willing to give the distinction up; Bolinger 1980 thinks it is already a lost cause not worth defending; Copperud 1970, 1980 judges the consensus of his experts that at least some uses of lay for lie are verging on standard; Flesch even goes so far as to recommend using lay for lie if it comes naturally to you.

"If lay "lie" is on the rise socially, however, it is likely to be a slow rise, as indignant letters to the editor attest. Bolinger observes sensibly that if you have invested some effort in learning the distinction, you will not want to admit that you have wasted your time. ... So what should you do? The best advice seems to be Bolinger's:
"Many people use lay for lie, but certain others will judge you uncultured if you do. Decide for yourself what is best for you."


[Rosie] Dear oh dear oh dear. You really need to get out more, see the world. There are many more ways of speaking English than you encounter in your particular little corner of suburbia.
"From" barely rhyme "Mum": http://www.rhymezone.com/r/rhyme.cgi?Word=mum&typeofrhyme=perfect&org1=syl&org2=l&org3=y
Rosie vs the rest: 0 - 2
Interestingly the 'lay/lie' issue is addressed by Geoffrey Pullum today in Language Log and he sticks to the (in)transitive distinction more than Merriam-Webster does. I think there may be a bit of transatlantic variation here on the levels of acceptability. I also wouldn't rhyme 'mum' and 'from' any more than 'mom' and 'crumb', though I wouldn't call someone out on it.
This is all just the result of a typing error. I'm sure that cfm simply omitted to type the word "Brum" at the end of his line in his line before posting.
The Pru [he's a bit of a cad]. Now stop being a silly, Rosie. You're worth more than this pettyfogging quibblesome nonsense. And I do believe that's the very first time I have used the word pettyfogging - - - :^)
If you make me an offer I might
Do something to you to delight
For sufficient incentive
I can be quite inventive
And promise to play - not to fight!
Would you like to come over and play?
I've fun toys here--what do you say?
There's Tigger and Roo
And don't forget Pooh!
But forget Andy Pandy - he's gay
Should we play today out in the street? [p,c,i,g,s] applause
Smash a shop, bash a cop on his beat!
We can burn with impunity
Destroy our community
—Ah, look at those kids. Ain't they sweet?
well done
If you wake in the middle of the night
With an feeling that something's not right
Grab your old cricket bat
And put on a hard hat
Will this you laid? Well - it might.
Let there be no doubt at all about the meaning of 'laid'
If an egg can get laid in the morning
It may do so without any warning.
The poor shell-shocked hen
Gets caught short in its pen
And the cock shake his tail and start mourning ...
The chick or the egg - what came first?
The Eggs! From their shells chicks do burst!
But who laid the eggs?
Is the question this begs
Damn it! Let them be cursed and recursed!
There were eggs before chicks had evolved
The issue, I think, is resolved
Now, scrambled or fried?
I can never decide
And what's more - will not get involved
Fry me some eggs in sweet butter
While I practise long strokes with my putter
Bring me baked beans [Tuj] That was a truly excellent line.
While I put on my jeans
Do I sound like a farty golf nutter?
If planted, this seed will produce ... Enough with the egg thing!
A berry beloved by moose
If you climb up the tree
You're certain to see
Bullwinkle up there, on the loose
[irach} *smiles*
When the road has become kind of Rocky
Take advice from an amateur jockey
Keep your bum in the air
Cling on tight to your mare
Or you'll throw up your pre-race lunch gnocchi
In Siberia, gnocchi are served
In a manner that leaves me unnerved
'Cos pasta on tundra
Will make me a chund'rer
And that is just what I've deserved...
This night I woke up in a dream
And said "Things are not quite as they seem"
I can't cross the oceans
And control bowel motions
But I'll just check the sheets - hope they're clean
This morning light promises much
A day full of happiness, such... unfini
as olives! And kisses!
And best wedding wishes!
For Pen and her dear old Dutch
(oblig)
Aaaaah - hope they like olives ...
I remember, on my honeymoon
I was caught in an Indian monsoon
To shelter from harm
We found an old barn
Which was cheaper than renting a room
A cheapskate I'll always be
The check's never handed to me
I don't pay my share
Which you may think unfair
But why pay when you get it for free? oblig.
Buy one and you'll get one free!
If two's not enough, then take three!
Buy three, the fourth's yours
Plus a fifth one, of course
And here, have the sixth one on me
"Discount? What's that?" said the vendor
I've a way of seducing the spender
Without special offers
I'll empty your coffers
Like Sanjay Kapoor from Eastenders
And I don't even watch soaps, honest
[Botherer] would've been even better if last 2 words had been 'the Eastender' Good to see you btw :)
[Chalky] Good call! And thanks, good to be back! So on that note:
The problem I have with the soaps
Is the plot-makers clearly are dopes
They think that disaster
Piled higher and faster
Is better than most TV tropes
In early Pre-Christian Rome
A scribe penned a lengthy old tome
Its mysterious pages   (How can you pen an old tome? If you're penning it, it's brand new.)
Took him ages and ages
[Raak] I wondered about that myself (from a print media perspective) but perhaps
Cos he carved them in wood with a comb.

I'm building an old ruined abbey
Coz I'm old and infirm and quite scabby - I realise, of course, that my contribution is not in the best possible taste. Just shoot me now.
Each brick I place crumbles
The Lord above grumbles [Raak] Outstanding "subliminal" message
As His Kingdom on Earth looks so flabby
When people say "ends of the earth"
I wonder what they have "learth."
We must all reconsider our lines [cfm, KS] Maybe you should also reconsider your lines?
Lest the Limerick Police impose fines
Bad rhythm and scansion
And metric expansion Nothing remotely wrong with cfm's opener there.
Will soon provoke grumbles and whines
(Indeed: cfm's line fitted all the scansion requirements for a limerick)

When people say "ends of the earth"
They seldom mean further than Perth
But "back of beyond"
Or "over the pond"
Is never a place of great worth


There's no call nowadays for a sword
A wigwam, an easel, or fjord
Or for correction fluid
Unless you're a druid unfini
Who wants to erase a bad word.
I learned some bad words in my youth
Some obscene, others merely uncouth
One I think starts with F...?
So thank goodness I'm deaf
Or I might hear you F... Connie Booth
Reverend Spooner's speech is quite scary
To anyone quite ordinary
With consonants mangled
And vow'ls intertwangled
Ones point boon succumbs cite quantrary
[Chalky] Excellent ending. :-)
Today be piratically themed
For those who are easily memed [Chalky] Not "kite quantrary"?
Arr, me timbers do shiver
As we pass Yellow River
And anywhere else we have dreamed.
While swimming the Channel one day
I discovered I'd quite lost my way
A compass malfunction
Made me head for the junction
Outside Dover - to Chesapeake Bay...
The Brollys of ancient Cherbourg
Are lined up outside of the morgue
Les petits parapluies
Shield from raining ratatouille
The folks from Frogfunerals.org
Here's what you must do if I croak
Pierce my heart with a stake made of oak
For I am the undead
So you know what? Instead ...
Kill that strange looking werewolf bloke
Whenever I'm guessing I'm wrong
I'll simply break out into song
'Shaddapya Face' would suit my work situation right now
Rings around the workplace
But it's not by Olivia Ong.
Michelle Kwan was skating one day
When a bollard just got in her way
Alas, no triple lutz
For this ice-skating klutz
Hit the buffers, the skids and the hay.
American mothers opine
That plying their babies with wine
Will prevent ADD
But reduce ABC
And certainly make 'em quit cryin'.
When in Rome you should do as the Romans
And scrutinise entrails for omens
A goat's bloody gut
Or a eunuch's old nut
Then make a display - like a showman's
I once met a werewolf from Kent
Who helped me to put up a tent
This kind loup-garoux
Then cooked up a stew
With no meat because it was Lent
I just heard about a new diet
Put some tape 'cross your lips and keep quiet
And if/when you faint
Do show some restraint
When the urge to eat comes, then defy it.
The sticks and the stones aren't worth throwing
Except for the ones that are glowing
So instead I throw peaches
At piranhas and leeches
And cocks that are spitefully crowing
There's nowt like a good cup of char
It beats beer, wine, and coffee by far
And if the brew is Earl Grey
I would have to say
Spot on - award a gold star
A lass with huge melons, I spied
Piss-poor, Kagome. Please expunge your adolescent limerick fantasies elsewhere.
Here's the tale of a limerick prude
Who crudeness in rhyming eschewed
Bad fruit euphemisms
Resulted in schisms
And an effort to veto the lewd
Let's remember the Gunpowder Plot
Which failed; it was Fawked up a lot
Which is why every year
We all stand and cheer
While burning the Guy - what a twot
My mummy has fled from its tomb
Preferring a more deluxe room
It seems its abode
Was home to a toad
Which was held as a portent of doom
My mummy has fled from my dad
For he's a despicable cad
She's filed for divorce
And will join the Dark Force
So all things considered, I'm glad.
My mummy runs pyramid schemes
That claim to fulfil all your dreams
She's recruited her exes
Bought herself a black Lexus
And works hard to drown out the screams.
My mummy is screaming a lot
About the complaints she has got  usa
A wicked contusion
Demented confusion,
Hidden textignoring CdM's 'usa', and assuming commas at the end of lines 2 and 3, for the sake of getting this one completed
And a copious river of snot. Er, sorry - got a code id be doze.
A teenage mother from Brent
Had a neat way of paying the rent
When the landlord would knock
She put coins in a sock
With malodorif'rous intent.
There once was a man who came back [Rosie] Welcome back, hope you had a nice vacation...
To his lone little weatherboard shack
To find that inside
A donkey had died
Which his mastiff had used as a snack
There once was a fellow from Chiswick (Marc) Anything's better than this place. :-)
Who fell ill with a bout of the phthisic
Day and night he was coughing
Though he swore it was nouthing SWIDT? HYDM.
Cause of death? He was too solipsistic.
A toothless old hag in Llanelli
Brewed a strong cup of char that was deathly
Which she gave to the vicar
Who much preferred liquor
And ran his own still called "Y Felli".
The fellows who dig up the road (Raak) People have been keel-hauled for lesser crimes, of course, but there was little you could do.
Hidden text I have only ever known two, maybe three, English people who can make this sound properly, and one had lived in Wales for a short time, showing it to be a question of hearing it because it's not fundamentally difficult.
(Phil) Stout fellow.
Have a secret and unwritten code [Rosie] I wondered what you'd make of that!
"Monday morning at eight-"
"Number 10, by the gate"
Bring biscuits and plenty of woad
My friend the guitarist told me
That every time he plays barred G (taking the stress to be on the middle syllable of guitarist, though there is another way of reading the line that also works)
He gets cramp in his wrist
And curses Franz Liszt
Which seems a bit pointless, to me.
I've realised something profound [Rosie, Raak] There was a limerick on one of these sites long ago where I rhymed Llanelli with "pallor most "delli". 'Course, in that case, the rhyme was perfect, but was only an approximation to the pronunciation of the English word -- a subtle difference from Raak's case. I'm half Welsh, so I can pronounce Llanelli half decently.
Which, I believe, will astound
A single red rose
And a line writ in prose
Will get her to bed in a bound
[C,S,J,M,i] Jolly good - I like a bit of optimism

The problem with getting new teeth
Is the old ones are hard to bequeath
But plant them outside
And treat them with pride
And spread loads of enamel beneath...
To grow a whole garden of molars
One must pot them in inverted bowlers
So all of you misers
And dull early risers
Get digging and make some violas. (Herr B) Sorry, couldn't resist it.
I've been 'round for 28 years
But dieting's one of my fears
So now I'm obese
All blubber and crease
So pass me twelve more lovely beers.
There's possibly nothing as bad
As Gaga's new meaty dress fad
It grows germs and maggots
(Which can make tasty faggots)
Plus I've heard that the cows used were mad
As I set off to tour round the world
I make sure that my beard is well curled Ho, ho, ho.
My red and white cloak
(Colors courtesy of Coke)
Is my aerofoil when unfurled.
Be merciful with your poor boss
Someday you will report a net loss
Of some zillions of pounds
A sum that astounds
But he still blame the workers of course
"Take care as you go up that ladder",
And more HSA yadda-yadda Health & Safety Authority
"At all times beware" (Raak) Isn't it the HSE (Executive)?
" 'cause our lousy health care"
[Rosie] So it seems. If I had looked at my Google results more closely, I would have seen that the HSA is the Irish version.
"Won't clean up the blood that you spatter."
A boy scout once knocked on my door
But I soon had him pinned to the floor
Saying "Show me your woggle"
Hidden text(Phil) Hoping for Bob a Gob Job?
"and I'll help you boondoggle"
It's now no wonder I'm sore coat!
While scoffing my night-time banana (Softers) You clearly weren't Prepared.
I gazed out at the Kenyan savannah
When along came a monkey
No, a gibbon most funky
Who winked and said, "See you mañana!"
I plan only one resolution:
An end to methane pollution
Eliminate cattle!
And you'll see that that'll
Minimize gas distribution
If the Euro does go down the pan
If the Euro does go down the pan
Whoops - got the 2-for-1 offer by mistake
I shall unveil my dastardly plan
(bifurcation) I'll buy every cabbage I can
And restore threepenny bits Route 1
To resort to barter Route 2
Which clearly is smarter Route 2
Try stop staring at tits Route 1
Than selling French nukes to Iran Route 2
And write better lines if I can... End of route 1
There once was an impatient killer
Who was known to resemble Camilla
Her frightful coiffure
Which was less than demure
Made her look like a bad Phyllis Diller
Let us all now praise the spider
And resist the strong urge to deride her
For her wondrous web
From April to Feb.
Accounts for the insects inside her
Now it's less than a week until Christmas
I'll retire to my own private isthmus
Feast on egg nog and manta
Festooned with diamante
[cfm] Come on, that doesn't rhyme and hardly scans - how about
And, as a present from Santa,
[INJ] A touch of the shoehorn there?
Some glasses to cure my strabismus. Following INJ.
When your scansion is called into question
Be open to any suggestion
Do not post crappy lines
Or you'll have to pay fines
For causing grammatic indigestion
Dear Santa I've been a good boy
So what if I'm Jewish, not goy
I've said my baruchs
And kept off all hooches
A day of good kosher joy
If you want we could meet at the pub
For a pint and a nice syllabub (Slight failure of rhymage in line 4 of previous. Mind you, what English word rhymes with 'baruchs'?
[Knobbly] "loud heuchs"?
Hopefully there's trivia (as for rhying with baruchs - Tuques, kooks, Luke's, nukes, souks . . .)
About Oman or Bolivia
And something resembling fair grub.
I put some crushed ice in my shaker
And added a loaf from the baker
Three jiggers of rye
Two ounces of lye
I'm preparing to now meet my Maker
"NOW THE ENDING IS NEAR - PLEASE BEWARE!"
Said the pilot, when flying RyanAir
Then turbulence hit
And the purser said "Shit!"
And the queue for the loo, c'est la guerre.
There once was a cute little maiden
Whose talent was lovely hair braidin'
Her fingers flew faster
Than light - then disasteru
She saw that the colour was fadin'
A fella with long flowing locks
, a beret and some blue argyle socks
Approached me and said
"I would not be seen dead!
In anything but fancy frocks"
My tailor and I are in tune/b>
Since we danced by the light of the moon
He has measured me up
For the Tailor Dance Cup
Which takes place promptly at noon!
She liked her hair long and skirts short
And to drink: a small lime and port
But question 'her' gender ... interesting that the last ten limericks bar one have been started by the same two contributors ...
Is "she" really a bender?
I'd check but I'd end up in court
As we journey through life, we should try Excellent finish Darren
To have ready a good alibi
And to question the fitness
Of each expert witness
Because folks, given chance, often lie.

The passage from thought into words
Proves tricky for most geeks and nerds ...[cfm,CdM,R,pen] classy teamwork :)
To help their expression
Or fervid confession
They should sing it with flat minor thirds. Bluesy . . . .
Using mice and a furlong of string
I fashioned some low-budget bling
That I'd tie to my cat
In the way of a hat
Which made it quite easy to fling
Spare a thought for the down-trodden vole
Who is often confused with the mole
But the piles that they leave
If you look, won't deceive
'Cos it all comes out of a hole.
Tonight I will go to the pub
For the craic, a pint, and some grub
Perhaps a quick song
Then, if nothing goes wrong
I'll be throwing some shapes at a club
And if I'm in luck, then I'll pull
A fancy trick on a bull
It won't buck me off
If I don't start to cough
And my evening would then count as full.
When I do take the bull by the horns
The damn thing stands on my corns
But after some bellows
My misery mellows
'til I take 'nother Gin spiked with thorns...
My carpenter hammered and screwed
He was quite the industrious dude
He made me a closet
In which I deposit
Young Marc when he tries to be lewd :)
My mother is ninety today
So I'll sing her a song, if I may
"Knees up Mother Brown"
And she'll then go to town
For her regular 'roll in the hay'...
On the telly I saw Doctor Phil
Who said I should take this blue pill
But I took the red
My love life is dead
And the willy now lacks all its will
The firm Williams, Johnson & Dick This crowd is a v bad influence
Has taken a great deal of stick
But these upstanding men
Will, no doubt, come again
And give all your egos a prick. MOVING ON
A day in the country is nice
A breath of fresh air for my lice
And my worms like the view
As I visit the loo
And dispose of my dodgy fried rice.
I'm learning to trust my optician
But I still have a nagging suspicion
He's paid just to flatter
Which shouldn't much matter
As I already have perfect vision
With one of my ears on the floor
And the other one nailed to the door
I'm over-extended
Much more than intended
But my ears do not ring anymore
I think that my tongue's swelling up!
I find my pint I cannot sup
But if I had a straw
Or two, three, or more
I'd sip from this large china cup
One day we will run out of air
You'll inhale--and it just won't be there
And no-one will hear
Your screaming with fear
And there will be noone to care
I hope when I breathe my last breath
Of the fumes from that sweet crystal meth
That I'll be in the arms
Of the great Chelsea Charms
And that she is not clearly brain death.
I hope when I drop from this coil This theme is a bit deadly, isn't it?
And I'm under six feet of soil
That someone will say
"He was great in his day"
"But now he is starting to spoil"
I'll be pushing up daisies one day
Until then I'll be happy and gay
I'll dance right through life
With one not my wife [irach] LOL--great line.
Never caring what others might say
I'm hoping when I kick the bucket
It will make the front page in Pawtucket
My corpse they'll cremate
In a neighbouring state
And scatter the ash in Nantucket

Apols for 3 lines - I've never done that before AFAIR, but I had an uncontrollable urge.
There once was a doddy old fool
Who fancied a swim in the pool
He made a high dive
Then - heavens alive -
Trunks slipped, revealed fam'ly jewel
I am stuck in this game what 'bout you?
They should lock all of us in a zoo
They could then charge admission
And give no remission
Till at least twenty minutes past two
I haven't a clue what to say
My mind's in complete disarray
I feel so confused
By words I have choosed
I think I'll just go away
Four minutes and thirty-three seconds
It took to peel 43 almonds (tricky rhyming there, good luck to line 5)
Lemonds?
Now her marzipan beckons
So her pastry chef reckons
Pate d'amande sera bien charmante
Desperate attempt to escape the cage with the unconventional ABA*A*B* limerick rhyming scheme.
I've broken my grandma's sledgehammer
While breaking up rocks in the slammer
She was here years ago
Her offense? I don't know
Except she was a wife of Osama
The thing about being best friends
Should be that the fun never ends
How much fun it would be
If we went out to sea
And you dove and came up with the bends
Come on, you've got nothing to lose
From walking in A. Nother's shoes
When you've walked for one mile
You can pause for a while
And sing a song -- A. Nother's Blues
There once was a song 'bout a girl
Who had a wild fling with an earl
Though not born to the manner or manor, if you prefer
She checked in her planner
To find he was down as a churl
Amazing how few rhymes there are for "girl", as I found when writing a song who's hook line ends with it. Pain in the arse for lyricists...
burl, curl, earl, hurl, kerl, merl, merle, nerl, pearl, searl, searle, shirl, sperl, sperle, swirl, twirl, whirl
and my favorite, unfurl
There once was a song 'bout a boy
Who played every day with his toy
He'd first make it stand
With a flick of his hand
In a way that would give him much joy
Then after, he'd fold it away
[Mom] Perhaps I should have said useful rhymes :-)
His mom would scold him, and say
"You're just so self-centered!"
"Come on, get re-entered!"
I do not care to know how this one ends, thanks.
"And finish our last Wordfeud play!" [cfm]Have you got a pervert mind?
The flowers that bloom in the spring, don't you see? Moving swiftly on - I agree with cfm, the last couple were satisfying only one or two *ahem* 'players'. And neither of them were me.
[pen] Agreed. But that line needs shortening. Hope you don't mind if I go:
The flowers that bloom in the spring
Are saluting the birds on the wing
While the bees and the bears
Are putting on airs
and dancing the mambo to swing.
When needing three hots and a cot
I recommend my favorite spot
On Dartmoor it's found
Right behind that black hound
and it's ten quid up front for the lot!
An inscrutable girl from Japan
Went the distance with old Jackie Chan
But the man from Hong Kong
(Still wearing his thong)
Took one look at her mother and ran
I fancy a third cup of tea
But the caffeine does not fancy me
It gives me the jitters
My heart patters and pitters
And worst of all, I'll have to pee
I've three hundred papers to mark
Before I go hunting the Snark
So I'll tick here and there
(Which is all I can bear)
And the rest's just a shot in the dark
On Friday, my mind starts to wander
To racing my gold-plated Honda
Or a ride on my Harley ?
Singin' "Work" by Bob Marley
And dressing a bit like Jane Fonda.
Cross-dressing at weekends for fun
Was a priest's habit, dressed as a nun
To add to the thrill
One more layer of frill
Transmogrification is done
We all seem to relish cross-dressing
It's the sauce for much delicatessing
Once you've chucked on a frock
You're no longer a jock
Which you'll soon come to learn is a blessing
Many good poems lately, in many locations :)
My uncle has just lost his wig
Exclaiming, "I don't give a frig!"
He's now on his knees [Have to divulge that I'd rather hoped that Condiments may have driven the last limerick [given that cross-dressing has been done to death on these sites]. Having been gifted 'relish' and 'dressing' - 'sauce' was an obvious choice, as was 'delicatessing'. Vinaigrette, mayonnaise, aioli, mustard, chutney and ketchup, salt and pepper, etc. could have all played a part. Clearly - I was *overthinking* it. UK - you're fired :-)]
Begging, "Dear Chalky, please"
"Bend over and grunt like a pig..."
[MP] Coward. Name yourself.
So Easter was just wet and cold
[pen] Astonishingly, 'twas not I
My chocolate's all covered in mould
And the poor Easter Bunny
Has a nose red and runny
He's really a sight to behold!
There once was a maiden so chaste
She thought cous-cous had too strong a taste
And as for harissa
Her tongue and her kisser
Fell off, so she had them replaced
I'm wondering what I should wear
Three-piece suit, Highland kilt, or stark bare?
Birthday suits are not fancy
But, according to Nancy,
There's no need to iron or pair
It's been left on the side for a week
And quite frankly, it's starting to reek
It's time to progress
And clean up this mess
So let's finish and go take a leak...
It's Monday and morning star rise
What a bright day - now take my advise:
Take a lungful of air
Jug a two week's dead hare
And don ye a pirate disguise
The forecast for Sunday is wet
That won't stop me -- it never has yet!
I'll be down on the beach
Attempting to teach
The old dog some tricks for a bet
The problem with thinking too much
Is that it give one an ache in the crotch
Cos my organ for thought
Have mind which is fraught ... what a heap of twaddle #channelingRosie
But it's positive thinking, as such...
I have never been able to dance
Do you think you could teach me, perchance?
With both my left feet
I'm willing to cheat
And show how they do it in France
According to French legislation
Islam is an alien nation
But in banning the veil
They'll let every male
Get horny on seeing an Asian.
My legs are all twitchy today
They simply will swivel and sway
I've gone weak at the knees
I don't think it's the fleas
If you don't mind I'll fold them away
[UK, R, P, S, R] Applause

I'm truly beginning to rot
Oh golly, I've been such a clot
Trench foot has set in
I act like a cretin
although I will vow that I'm not.
I'm known for mixing my words
You may sample sweet coffee or turds
So stor a fart
Go tick up a part
And fly like those bautical nerds
A candle-lit dinner for two
Is a popular thing to do
So on Valentine's Day
I will ask if I may
"Is it washing or drying you'll do?"
A trip to the beach might be nice
The sun, sea and sand do entice
With bucket and spade
And a brolly for shade
Topped off with a nice strawb'ry ice
The brain ghosts I see are all green
And they all want to cut out my spleen
Which I have been venting
With zeal unrelenting
Though rarely can it be seen
A phantom is haunting my lung
And now and then spooking my tongue
It wafts through my larynx
Via my nasopharynx
My ability to speak has gone bung
If you see a spectre abroad
It's likely to be Our Sweet Lord
But if the spectre has horns
Then, as the day dawns,
You'll see it's Nick Clegg - best ignored.
[Rosie] neat ending :)
Behold this condensed apparition
A product of dark superstition
Alive or undead
Or all in your head
Like a thumping nocturnal emission. (Chalky) Tu es très gentille.
Applause please - the wraith has ignited
My interest in Scunthorpe United
A team which just lacks
Defence and attacks
Thank goodness my love's unrequited.
audience applauds Tuj's finale*
*points out sins of omission*
And now, on the thirteenth of June
I wonder if it is too soon
To start Christmas shopping
Or New Year bed hopping
Or flying my hot air balloon
The Eurozone's future is dodgy (Chalky) Deliciously disgraceful.
As My Big Fat Greek Wedding, so podgy
The drachma and lira
May soon reappear, a
Sure sign the economy's stodgy
I have some pesetas indoors
Which Angela Merkel deplores Last one v. good esp. CdM & Softers.
"Ein Volk, Reich, und Geld!"
She recently yelled
And on cue - Georgios Samaras scores - ... they still lost 2 - 4 though :(
Last night as I shaved my left armpit
The razor was causing me harm - shit! ... rising to the challenge
As it scraped of the hairs
And with them my cares
I took a large nick from my tit! coat!
Softers - would've been even better as 'darn tit'
[Chalks] You can't get a man to curse a boob - they love them too much.
It's green eggs and ham every day
Or it would be - if Seuss had his way!
His prandial obsession
Drives one to depression
And it ain't even kosher, oy, vey!
Sliced thin, on rye, with brown mustard
Or served with fish fingers and custard
Whenever it's served
It's still quite absurd
Not to savour a plump baby bustard.
Thai chicken and lemongrass soup
A melon - a nice cantaloupe
No, give me baked beans
(And you know what that means!)
We're back in the flatulence loop
I'll settle for boeuf a la croute
Served up in a black leather boot
Cooked rare, by a wench
That I'd like to clench
Resplendent in her birthday suit.
Kofta curry and pork vindaloo
Are the height of cuisine – in my view
But then, I am fond
Of a good Sussex Pond
And the minds of Essex girls too
[Raak] Ooooh, I haven't cooked one in ages. Time for a revival I think :)
We eat and we drink - pee and shit
Then we do it again -- is that it?
Well, also, there's work
And the ultimate perk
Reproduction - that helps a bit.
While sipping my coffee-to-go
I got stuck in ten feet of pure snow
But, when cometh the spring
Caffeine gave me a zing
And already I've started to glow
I’ll switch to the gill- and the fin-mode
'cause we've water all over our main road
The Met Office says
It's raining for days
So my hair-drier's hit "overload"
My strimmer has broken - alas!
Please borrow my strummer, it's world class!
It does make a racket
'Tho' it cost me a packet
And the one thing it baulks at is grass.
I'm struggling to find any meaning
With offering Free Window Cleaning
To some it's quite clear
It's because you can peer
up the nethers of anyone leaning.
There once was an elderly goat
Who'd spawned several offspring of note
The Grand Druid of Wales
Often ran off the rails
Then got stoned and sowed out his wild oat...
There once were five spicy girls singing
But now they sound flat and look minging
If Take That re-formed
Then let us be warned
Alarm bells should be set ringing
There once was a Samurai hero
Whose score in swordfighting was zero
Though lacking in skill
He managed to kill
Both Lulu and Helen Shapiro. Bastard!
There once was a girl that could sing
(or so she once thought) anything
But once on the "X"
She lowered her kecks
And sang "Desert Song" a la Sting
The thing about artisan bread
Is its guaranteed freedom from lead
Instead you will find
That it makes you go blind
So I'll eat Hovis® instead
A vacation that is what we need
To drink beer, and cider, and mead
Relax by the pool
Eating gooseberry fool
Did anyone bring any weed?
I woke today with a sore throat
So I chewed on a piece of fried stoat
And to my surprise
I've a three octave rise
In a ditty I sing with my goat
This soup, with its noodles and chicken
Is good for the ill and flu-stricken
And even, some say
Keeps the lurgi at bay
In need though of Rum to un-thicken
When treating a bronchial infection
You'd better obey this direction
To draw out the phlegm
Just shout out "A-hem!"
And prepare for social rejection.
When drawing your last living breath
Here's what you can do to cheat death
Grab the Grim Reaper's scythe
With a gesture most blithe
Shouting, "Is this a knife?", like Macbeth
If you can't tell a knife from a spoon
You'll get classified as a loon
So just use a fork
When screwing a cork
And, yes, you are a buffoon
I uncorked a cru Beaujolais
With a vigneron from Régnié
But in getting my glass
I fell on my arse
Hidden text( M Logiciel) I am disappointed, as they say, that you have not pointed out that the first two lines don't rhyme.
So I guess I won't drink it today.
Down at the pub when I ordered my beer [M Rosé] c'est un petit point contesté, peut être.
[Software] By no stretch of poetic license does that scan into a limerick. I suggest:
Software - Down the pub when I ordered my beer
The barman said, "Be of good cheer!"
You're mighty good lookin'
Hidden text[Rosie] It's a subtlety that I think even French poets would get away with. Similar to 'glass' and 'arse', which don't rhyme terribly well for the majority of English speakers (even in England). It all worked out to be a good Limerick though, IMHO :-)
You do really good cookin'
So just maybe you should work here!
Who in their right mind would say
That duckin' an' divin' don't pay
For evading the law
(as a thug, thief or whore)
(not to mention the great CIA...)
I've invented a new kind of chair
It seats both you and your confrere
Your discreet tête-a-tête
Might make you be late
Hello, hello, hello. What's goin'on 'ere, then?
Because you can't go anywhere.
[Scansion Police] I read cfm's line as " it suits both you and your confrere." Sort of fits.
My village is threatened with Lidl
Let's hope the development bid'll
Fall foul of the planners
Or else protest banners
Will foil the town councillors' fiddle
Next week on the old village green
Is the festival of the obscene
We'll all go sheep-tupping
Unless we're one-upping
Then we'll shout: Hello Wean - you're so mean!"
Hello Wean, I have heard you've been here,"
Hidden textRosie, Software, Raak and Gil: I like the Lidl one :-)

Is the phrase that we don't want to hear
Because of the hype
And our pumpkins are ripe
Understood, then it's time to disappear.
We end up being eaten by worms
(It's in the conditions and terms)
If the deal's terminated
With the worms left unsated
We're reborn as a bunch of mean germs.
I can't help but think that that my wife
Is going to cause me more more strife :o)
Her insatiable needs
For thick Harris Tweeds
Have virtually killed our sex life
Tomorrow I vow that I will
Tell Starbucks their product is swill
And then let's all partay
With mugs of real lahtay
And stick Howard Schultz with the bill
For those really hard to reach places
And other quite difficult cases
Try this handy new cleaner
Her name is Georgina
Employed on a no clean, no shag basis.
If out to eliminate bacteria
You need to eschew all hysteria
Calmly use bleach
On every and each
And then your milieu will be clearier
sorry sorry sorry
[pen] fair enough :-)
In London it's raining today
Elsewhere it's flooding they say
But I haven't seen yet
A great spouting jet Surprised the word "posterior" didn't come up in that last one ;-)
Like the one at Trafalgar Square Bay...
I eat a durian each day
And I get them for free, do not pay
And while they are stinky
Like my wee willie-winky
They increase your libido, so-say
Some lines are real close to perfection
I've written one for your inspection
And if you look here
To get a good steer
There's a clue to their mode of erection
In a market in old Timbuctu
An old friend I by chance bumped into
And since we were two
We knocked up a stew
Of camel and goat and mantu
In a hotel in snowy Siberia
Where the rooms and the beds are inferior
To those in Bulgaria
Where the toilets are airier oblig.
Your breakfast is free from bacteria... (...they've frozen to death...)
In a tuk tuk in wet Kalimpong
You can go right -- or you can go wrong
Sometimes up - sometimes down
And in some parts of town
Get whatever you like for a song
Now soon a new year will arrive
It divides by three but not five
Sum up its digits - that's six
Then put them into the mix
What pleasure from sums we derive!
Hidden text[irach & software] I didn't want to start the new year off on a pedantic note, but If you delete "up" and "Then" from your lines, respectively, they scan much more nicely

With unbroken sunshine today After two weeks of time off work - and rain every day
I'm going to come out and play
Work can wait till next week
Meanwhile let us seek
Many reasons to laugh and be gay ...in honour of Softers' coming out.
I sing 'cos I'm glad to be gay playing along
And a friend of the late Ronnie Kray
Through the songs that I sing
Haven't brought me much bling
I did meet Sinatra one day!
Next week I'll be joining a band
Of barbarians, roaming the land
'Cos I've signed for Port Vale
(I'm told they serve ale)
But their football is a bit bland
Next year is the Year of the Snake
I'll hit the dammed thing with my rake
Before I'll let it crawl
Up my lavat'ry wall (Softers) Were you thinking of
Hidden text My friend Billy's got a ten-foot willy/And he showed it to the girl next door/She thought it was a snake/So she hit it with a rake/And now it's only six foot four.
?
And admit that it was my mistake....
In Eden the apples are ripe
And of aphrodisiac type
So I baked a nice pie
For my hubby to try
But the proof of the pudding is hype
'Hail fellow! Well met!' said the pastor
(Of true bonhomie he's the master)
With a wink and a grin
He absolved me of sin
Confession just got somewhat faster!
On the first day of Februar-ee
Thirty eight things my love gave to me: [C,R,S,p,P] Nice.
One was a jewel
And one was a tool
Which he inserted delicat-lee.
American football's confusing
Or possibly downright bemusing
Most don't touch the ball
Though players are tall
Superb owls are much more amusing
She is wise as an owl I've been told
Her knowledge is quite manifold
On the subject of voles
She impresses the proles
Though that's hardly one of her goals.
When Richard the third called for 'horse' something topical for a change
'Twas past time to bargain, of course
You can't use a nation
For experimentation
Though many do so, and by force.
I'd like to replace "experimentation" with "negotiation" in that last limerick. :-)
They're preparing for this year's Grand Prix
We'll be fighting on land and at sea
From Le Mans to Dubai
Yeongam and Shanghai
And what's left of the old Aral Sea.
Oscar, my dear, your red rug
Is home to many a bug
Tho' to you it is cosy
It's hellish for Rosie
Who itches and cannot get snug.
The slanderous comments above
And the full implications thereof
Are herewith rescinded
In manner long-winded
Devoted to brother and sisterly love...!
The Conclave's elected Pope Mary,
Who plans to be Jesus's fairy
A pontiff with wings
Who can do magic things
But the giveaway is - she's so hairy
Bugger - insert quotation marks around "she's" if you would
The puff of white smoke tells us all
That the popemobile's just hit the wall
But look out, now it's black! (...the smoke of course...)
Is Benedict back?
Or a reincarnated John-Paul?

When tales are retold you will know
That the heroes of long, long ago
Committed great deeds
While riding their steeds
Yelling "Woe-Hi-Di-Hi-Hi-Di-Hoe!"
In the Alps they are yod'ling a lot,
While their cheese gently boils in the pot
Such stereotyping
And Franco-Swiss griping
Is likely to get someone shot
Italians, in gen'ral, are charming
Their generals, though, are alarming
Their finances are scary
Signoras faces so hairy
Which is why generals find them disarming
But the Greeks are, truth to tell,
Descendants of heaven and hell .. a tad short on footage Pablo but think we can make it work ...
Just now it's the latter (Chalks) 'E fough' itza peon-unny recipe, dinny?
Though only a matter
That Cyprus will go down as well
A Monegasque makes a fine friend
With big pots of money to lend
He dresses in green
And bows to the queen
So you'll see where it's all going to end!
Are you ready to start your new life?
As side-kick to old Mack the Knife
But as opera's go
This threepenny show
Is more suited for somebody's wife.
Sorry, for got the line break!
I chanced upon Lady Godiva
Who said; "If you'll give me a fiver,
I'll cut off my hair
But I hope you're aware
on a horse, I'm not such a good driver.
At luncheon with old Friar Tuck
We dined on a stew of braised duck
We saved the skimmed fat
To give to the cat
And using the catflap, she stuck!
Thenceforth to Maid Marian's for tea [last line .. worth the wait. Nice one SM]
A generous hostess is she
A Battenburg cake
(The marzipan's fake!)
Goes well with a glass of Chablis
In the pub with my friend Little John
I thought 'What the hell's going on?'
For he'd got out his staff
And then just for a laugh
He poked it up my sit-upon.
Lovely!
Will Scarlett's a rum sort of fellow [PPNcR] Heehehehehehe
"Come chase me!", he's oft-heard to bellow.
Then he shins up a tree
And cries, "Come, follow me!"
But sadly they're all far too yellow
At the wedding of Alan-a-Dale
The couple wore matching chain mail
Her chastity belt
Could hardly be felt
And his, back-to-front, had a tail.
I can hardly believe I wrote that. Inexcusable
[pen] I can. Excusable. Funny
The green-fingered Sherriff of Nottingham
Grew cannabis plants, and was potting 'em [pen] Digusting! I hardly know where to put myself. Somewhat like Alan-a-Dale, it seems!
When in burst the cops
And said "Are these hops?"
He said "Yes, well done for spotting 'em." (Ladies) Can't have too much femfilth.
Sir Guy of Gisbourne gets quite cross
When you stand in the way of his hoss
"Begone, varlet!" he'll shout
"Lest I give thee a clout"
"And into my dungeons you toss."
Now Robin, that man with the hood
Claimed his motives were thoroughly good
Steal from rich, give to poor
(Unlike Osborne and more)
Then make merry with maids in the wood.
And as for that wicked King John
Who thought that the battle he'd won
Would earn him respect
Instead, he got decked
So the limerick game could go on
In trying to unscramble an egg
I soon spent an arm and a leg [Quen] Liked that - good finish!
My marbles got lost
My salad got tossed
And I noticed you'd emptied my keg ...
Though she knew he was called Jack the Ripper
And she'd heard what he did to young Pippa
She couldn't resist
A hazardous tryst
So thank God he got stuck in his zipper
[M, C, S and P] Nicely done, if I say so myself. Let's crack open some pre-war ginger beer!
This bottle of old ginger beer why not?
Was brewed on the banks of the Wear
In nineteen-oh-two
In a stevedore's shoe
No wonder it tastes rather queer
*flees*
The worst thing to say to a Swede
Is to ask him: "Just how do you breed?"
His reply, you will see
Just between you and me
Involves ABBA and herrings. And mead!
The sunburn that glows on my neck
Will keep my libido in check
And apart from the spots
That I've got by the lots
There's the fact I'm a banking exec.
But really, the public should thank us
We are, after all, quite high rankers
And we haven't, quite yet
learned the alphabet
but we're primo at being bankers!
This first line should set us alight
Make us shiver, if we've done it right
And further additions
or even omissions
Well made, yield the greatest delight.
Rise up, all you left-handed folks!
And publish your best rated jokes
But say nothing sinister
Or I'll call your minister
And believe me, that threat is no hoax.
A monk and a rabbi ate dinner
of kerosene and of paint thinner
This combustible fare
Consumed on a dare
Made one nor the other a winner.
Nice finish, Kagje.
A day full of procrastination
May contain brief bouts of fascination
F'rinstance with clips
Of wiggly hips
Or else some discombobulation wipes brow
A chihuahua and terrier cross
Decided that he was the boss
So the dachshund got fired
The golden retired
And the rest ... ? Not one gives a toss.
There once was a cat from Andorra
Whose whiskers grew morer and morer
Till this Pyrenees mog
(Real name Quentin Hogg)
Belted her one - she got sorer
When Mitzi took umbrage, she aimed .. u s a perhaps? ..
Through her sights at the one man she blamed
His scathing reviews
Was not ment to amuse
But some other fellow got framed.
Never admit you're from Chatham
In New Hampshire, the same goes for Stratham
But if you're from Bath
Yer good for a larf
When it started to rain in Bath
Ummm, shall we finish the previous Limerick first?
Never admit you're from Chatham
In New Hampshire, the same goes for Stratham
But if you're from Bath
Yer good for a larf
Unlike Strasbourg (once Argentoratum)

When it started to rain in Bath
I outgrabe like a mome rath
But my feeling of whimsy
Was fleeting and flimsy forcing attempt denied
As I fled from the borogove path
I once lunched in Stow-on-the-Wold
My starter was greasy and cold
The main course inedible
The bill was incredible
And the walls were all covered in mold. Sorry about that not finishing last time. I guess one should not play when one is extremely tired, even if for odd reasons, one cannot sleep.
I once gave a farmer a lift [Phil] I am insulted! The Strasbourgeois are lots of fun!
He just had some garlic, and whiffed
I deployed my ejector
To a vertical vector [nights] I'm sure they are, given the quantity of beer brewed there. I was simply struggling for a rhyme :-)
Then launched into orbit quite swift…
Tomorrow the Moon will return
From its weekend out with Saturn
While the moon was away Excuses, excuses... :)
The earth did decay
So perhaps it is best to adjourn?
There's nothing as fast as a cheetah
So says my feline speed-o-meter
But if you want slow
(So slow it don't show) internal rhyme alert...
Watch lichen — a sloth record-beater.
Today, I am dyeing. It's black... (re-dying faded black clothes black)
As a glass of black mild Nutty Slack
Its minute albedo
Is just right for sado- ...that was a tricky one, Rosie.
-lin, Matching my nice Chapeau Claque.
(gil) Yeah, a bit clever-clever, but there's speedo, libido, paedo, lido, credo, Toledo.
All my clothes have been eating by moths
And my shoes have been slothing by sloths Making a feature out of the quirk of KS's line
And as for my hats
They're all nested by bats
So they think I've been haunting by Goths
We are what we eat we have heard
So I'm mostly tomatoes and curd
And I'm a nice curry
I eat in a hurry
And for me, olives are the last word
The practice of oenomancy
Is one that the Romans did fancy
By sharing a cask
An enquirer could ask
Which actions were safe and which chancy
A strapping young fellow named Clancy
When working the clubs was called Nancy
He strapped while she stripped
And flopped while he flipped
For the clients who all took his fancy
That all-soft'ning o'erpowering knell
Means you're on a journey to Hell Not you, m'dear.
Slip into the mire
To a fate that is dire
And our trip down the hill ´s going swell.
There's a gap in my force-field of love
Through which demons and succubi shove
It's a worm-hole of lust
And romance turns to dust
Which flies to the clouds up above.
This journey could go on forever
And is surely not worth the endeavor
For when we arrive
From a very long drive
There's been a change in the weather
There's a feeling - or is it just me? -
That this verse will stop dead at line three
I'm not one to doubt.








If I reincarnate as a puffin
I'll mulishly call myself Muffin
On the island of Lundy
My partner and me
Will nest-build from navels with fluff in.
We have heard that the winner takes all [T, R, R, S, B]Excellent, free drinks tonight!
But don't fret should the wealth start to gall
Cash can't bring you joy
Unless you're called Roy
But it's better than bugg*r all
[Softers] If I may be so bold - you are significantly short-syllabled and arrhythmic in both your last entries .. thought you'd sussed this game by now ;-)

Marc - The Scansion-class this Fall semester
Will be taken by the head jester [Chalks] I disagree, it does work.
The Rhymer's a clown
The jester will frown
At the way that these matters obsessed her.
Hidden textIt's a jestess.

All our efforts to set the bar higher [Softers] Hope we can agree to disagree. ;-)
have us jumping from skillet to fire
Where we are consumed (Funny Girl) You're right. I'll have a word with him next time he's over.
All pedants presumed [Chalks] Naturally :o)
Class dismissed and now also ceasefire.
Debate is a most healthy thing
At the Darby and Joan Club in Tring
It helps them stay young
And grease up their tongue
So with their friends they can swing
In Somerset, Dorset and Devon
They're always in bed by eleven
But the people of Hants
Are just putting on pants
And they won't be back home until seven
In the flat agricultural east
All cult'ral activity has ceased
The turnips are ready
So tasty but thready
Fit neither for man nor for beast
So The Ashes will grind to an end
With rain being England's best friend
And Broady and Swann
Turn their sprinklers on
As they've more than a penny to spend No takers all week? Ah well.
While spending an evening in Kettering (Chalky) We can lose with grace, but not win.
Perfecting my copperplate lettering
I blotted my book
(As the locals say,"fook!")
Putting paid to my hopes for its bettering.
My computer has not crashed today
Unusual for Windows®, they say
And although I'm pleased
I know if I sneezed
My screen would collapse and turn grey...
Good morning all poets it's time
To celebrate autumn in rhyme
Write of 'mellow' and 'fruit'
And rabbits to shoot
With apples to pick in their prime
But what do you say of the rain?
Well, it's wet and it goes down the drain
It hangs out in pools I thought 'puddles' would be too hard to rhyme. You're welcome
And obeys fluid rules
Before long it will come back again.
The rain in Spain, so they say
Mainly falls on the plain every day
But the Sierra Nevada Some very dubious climatology here.
(the one in Granada)
Is fine all year round, so "Olé!"
While enjoying a Café au Lait
I was asked, "Are you well?". I said "Très!"
Mais le cuillère est bent
Et la tasse 'as une dent - just googled le cuillère to check my schoolgirl french. Ooh la kama sutra la!
Mais le goût, je vous dis, est OK.
*applauds*
*Applauds the limerick; winces at the Franglais*
[Phil] Then I reckon we need more practice...
Aujourd 'hui, le naming de parts
comme les fruits pour le making of tarts
Will commence avec plum
Bien sur, mon ol' chum
Mais ils font tous nos dents plutôt schwartz Aha! See what I did there.
Demain machen wir ein gateau
Mor drwm â'r Tibetan Plateau (Welsh) "as heavy as the".
Ik heb een gros pain
Horror vacui my brain
Und el pastel est dans my zapato
Enough now let's get back to work
Said the dull-witted jobsworth from Chirk
Then off went th'alarm My Dad's from near Chirk.
At 5 on the farm
So he got himself up with a jerk
The jerk I got up with today
Is not worth the money I pay
He costs seventeen pence
I must have no sense
I hope he'll just go away
The mocking the trainspotter suffers
In anorak stood by the buffers
The trains passing by
See the young 'spotter cry
"What's 'Get a life!' mean, you duffers?"
Young Pablo just timed to perfection
His disdain for social rejection
He avoided a snub
But this is the rub
And we offer him full time protection.
Today I think I will shuffle
My coats - both trench and duffle [Chalky] young???
- graze the floor as I walk
And muffle my talk
And fill my big mouth with fine truffle.
Glanting rain and sprale winds are forecàst
In Zeroia the land of my past
Where spallion fields grow
Fine cronx in the snow
And my abras are blooming at last.
Her knickers were bloomy and pink
I smiled, she laughed with a wink.
And as she bent down
A fart rent her gown
And that's what's done drove me to drink
Campari, Pernod, Gin and Whisky
All in a pint glass rather risky
Add a few whites of eggs
To stiffen the dregs
Scoff it down, and feel rather frisky
Your challenge this Tuesday is thus:
Take a flock of wild geese on the bus.
When you reach Euston Square
Disembark with a pair
As the others quack "What about us?" bugger me, talking geese.
The students in British Lit
Should study the format a bit! K-S - you're a syllable short, m'dear!!
The syntax and grammar
Cause newbies to stammer
Plus most think that Shakespeare is shit.
There once was a Viking called Jeff
Who chiselled the first letter F
When faced with the second
Distraction soon beckoned
And instead of Jeff, he was Jef.
Hidden textHey, Edward Lear always used the same ending word for the first and last lines of his limericks.

An orthodox rabbi called Skuld
Discovered his cocoa had cooled
He said to Verðandi
Your blowtorch comes handy
But it's strange that it is bejeweled.
Your challenge this Tuesday is this:
To be pleasant to your little sis
But as for your brother
Your father and mother,
Just carry on taking the piss.
There once was a man from the States
Named Billy - but he had No Mates
Except for Tim Nice
And Leontyne Price
Which kind of restricted his dates
A tale of forbidden papayas It was the idea of a restricted date that got me thinking on these lines
And lovers in heat on the playas
Gave way to the sun
Which ruined the fun
This UV is just sent to try us.
Your challenge this Tuesday is risky
To make it to lunch without whisky
And restrain your desires
To start small office fires
And entice the young temps to be frisky.
On Wednesday the sun will go nova
We'll be done to a crisp; it's Game Over
So let's party all week
Give our fun cells a tweak
And spend the final few moments in clover
My teeth are all falling apart They are.
They're going to hell in a cart
So chewing's a chore
And biting's a bore
It sucks being such an old fart
Being a New-comer, I am always seeking online for articles that could assist me. Many thanks! %KW% Elizabeth http://adw7.ru/user/izlxybtidbt/

Marc - There once was a most thankful Russian
Whose life was once saved by a Prussian
But along came a Spaniard
In a style most maññered
And Olé! El Ruso was blushin'.
Sir Cornelis Maartenszoon Tromp
Was the first to cross Zuiderzee Swamp
But his dugout canoe
Sprang a leak, maybe two
But he got there and arrived in some pomp. well, with a name like that....
I've discovered a whizzo new game
I just need to think up a name
There's only one rule:
You must play like a fool,
And never make two moves the same.
I suggest that we start with this line,
"There was an old man of Loch Fyne"
And then for the second,
A rhyme which is reckoned
Would be absolutely divine!
The Doctor's re-written the past
And Who else but he could recast
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