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The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated
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And so it begins....
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True, my clothing is scanty
And what's more I'm anti-
panty, so please Sir take off all your clothes
Whilst picking my nose I did find Hanky
a bogie that did bring to mind - YOGF down hill as usual I see...
the meaning of life
And my lack of a wife
And the taste of well-chewed bacon rind.
Smoked Reindeer filet is not bad - (http://rudolf.moonestates.com/)
If it's Rudolph's though, its quite sad
Although I suppose
If it's made from what glows
To eat it at all would be mad. Polonium. Yummy!
Last time Rudolph powdered his nose,
He used polonium, so now it glows
So don't stand too close Weird rhythm, this one.
Or else your ten toes
May fall off, from a terminal dose.
At Christmas, we stop drinking Coke
Our licence to burp we revoke
Off licence, we drink
by the glass load we sink
Of eggnogs and beer ‘til we choke
The great poetaster revolt
It cannot go on. Call a halt.
Write of feelings sublime
About justice and crime
Or I'll pull and then fire my Colt
There was a young lad from St Erth
Who had a remarkable girth
His circumference showed
He bore a huge load
As if he was set to give birth
At last the new year has arrived
We awake, somewhat bleary eyed
Avoid the first-footers
Repel all crazed looters
Ensure superstition’s survived Enjoying a tasty New Years dish of Black-Eyed Peas! http://southernfood.about.com/library/weekly/aa123198.htm
Make a new resolution each day!
For example: "I plan to turn gay"
Or "Won't fart in bed"
"Pick my nose or see red"
Or "Finish dead limericks", say.
Attendance is starting to wane
We suffer continuous brain-drain
But its not all bad Clunky scansion there, Marc
Count your blessings; be glad
Of our rich verbal legerdemain.
With savoir faire, skill and panache
My boiled potatoes I mash
I'll fry eggs with flair
My souffle floats on air
And my scansion could best be described as a car crash.
There's no way to cheat in this game
The Scansion Police have your name
So please to the line
As we try to refine
It so all of the verse sounds the same
Neuroses I've had in my time
Include one that's a capital crime
but the one that is worst
Involves carnal thirst
For all living things maritime.
An orangey gusset and hem
While out on a date with a squid
So much for preview mode then! Sorry Projoy. And rab, for that matter.
Mine can wait.
An orangey gusset and hem
Makes me feel truly Lib Dem
So I'll stick to the middle
Trying solving this riddle
With the help of my lower brain stem
While out on a date with a squid
My car went into a skid
Too few hands on the wheel
Caused my automobile
To flip its proverbial lid
We were far out at sea on a raft
Which in retrospect seems rather daft
And, without a sound,
A whale had us downed
So we harpooned the bugger, and laughed.
How funny to murder a whale! [Rosie] ;-)
Its meat makes us hearty and hale
And, furthermore,
Under Japanese law
It's quite legal a whale to impale
You can also have fun sticking pigs
Up the tailpipe of old Russian MiGs
As the engine ignites
And the crackling's alight
You'll have roast pork that everyone digs
This morning I stood on the scales
They showed I'd drunk too many ales
It's time for abstention
AA intervention
Liposuction if all of that fails
Perhaps I could eat fewer pies
To lessen the girth of my thighs
They're tree-trunks of blubber
Feeling just like foam rubber
I guess I'm just Fat Bastard size
While taking a break in Albania
I saw something even more zanier
And what is more
As I opened the door
I smelled a huge bunch of gerania.
One day, on a barge in Port Said
A floating French letter I spied
It proved hard to read
Mired in spilt seed
From a limb - about three inches wide
When born in the year of Ding Hai
You'll live to a factor of pi
Both you and your daughter
Do things you di'n' oughta
With bears, lions, tigers. Oh my!
Is winter arriving at last?
Well if so, let it soon be the past
I don't like the snow
Or the wind that doth blow
It's all a pain in the arse-t Getting 3 points on my poetic licence
[SW] You couldn't fit an "artic blast" in there, then? As it were.

The Bible will tell you the truth
Of the lives of Eve, Esther and Ruth
But as for the rest (Softers) 3? 11.9 more like.
The scribes merely guessed
And made it all up, yea, forsooth.
A fourteen foot pig in my garden
Let loose smelly gas while 'twas fartin' Coat and hat, I know...
This porcine eruption
Caused total disruption
Before getting loose and departin'
I talk to the tulips; they nod
And wonder "Who is this daft sod?"
I never resent them
'Een with their bent stem
I just let them face the firing squad What a cruel world we live in....
Blindfolded he stood ‘gainst the wall
He smoked his last cigarette with gall
This isn't a joke
When a fond farewell toke
Spoils "blind man's buff" for us all!
The bricks of which Summer is made
Cannot be obtained through the trade (blamelewis) Blind man's puff, shurely?
They are salvaged with care
From the cold wintry air
Come shine we’ll make sure they get laid....
Surrounded by walls of destruction
I stand and await my instruction
As to whether or not
To take a quick shot
Hurrah for careers in construction! a bit abstract but it was stalled for a while yer honour...
He stood there aghast at the sight
For surely this could not be right:
This vision; this... thing!
So shapeless, such bling
Jade Goody, half nude - she looked shite! (apols for vulagarity)
As a planet the earth's rather small (Phil) Did you mean vulvagarity?
So beware, those of you who are tall
With your head in the clouds
It's like wearing shrouds
Now let this be a aware to us all
The snowstorm has blinded my eyes
And the wind whips away all my cries
My limbs have gone numb
This trip really was dumb
Next time it's McDonald's for fries
Pretending I like heavy metal
I bought a uranium kettle
But the weight of the water
Was more than it ought-a
And now I don't feel in fine fettle
The dangerous love of fine words
Is a trait of the geeks and the nerds (Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!)
These anal retentives [UK] <panto> Oh no you're not! </panto>
Resist all incentives
I'd say its strictly for t'birds
You call me a bibliophile
And also a nerd - after while
And maybe a geek
But I know I'm a freak
I can sprint an eighteen-minute mile.
At Redemption (SF convention last weekend) there were a couple of flyers for another convention (Year of the Teledu) with just the first line of a limerick on them. Alas, they never got finished over the weekend. Can we do better? Here is how far they had got when I last saw them:
A teledu of my acquaintance      A Sumatran badger that stank
Has purchased a gaudy conveyance      Lived deep in a hole, dark and dank
It's painted bright blue      . . . . . . . .
And filled with beef stew      . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . .      . . . . . . . . . . . .
A teledu of my acquaintance
Has purchased a gaudy conveyance
It's painted bright blue
And filled with beef stew
Its odour holds all in abeyance.

A Sumatran badger that stank
Lived in a deep hole, dark and dank
Its one pride and joy
.......
Was an old Dinky toy
In fact, a Centurian tank...moving on
I once had a toy made by Dinky
I had five; in Latin that's quinque.
The JCB digger
Five hundred times bigger
Than your or even my pinkie
My 'pinkie' is longer than most are
It's been Michelin-rated as "four star"
And as fingers go
It's something to show
‘cause it’s thin as a worm, how bizarre
It is said that in parts of Japan
You can bat away men with your fan
And if you're a geisha
Who hails from Croatia
Then it's likely your fan is a man
I trow everything that I ween
And I hight what yclept I'd e'er been
And what's more - just hear this
- I rede what I wis
Now get out! @*&#...? I'm purging my spleen!
And with that, things arrived at a halt
'Though they perked up when one added salt
Which proves we're not slugs
Or earthworms, or bugs
We're just perfect, in fact, to a fault
I love you; you're perfect; now change.
I'd rather you did something strange
Tape a worm to your face
Take a fall down from grace
And develop a bad case of mange.
I seem to've developed a tic
Whenever I chew on my Bic®
My tongue starts to bleed
I spill all my seed - oo-er
And, in general, things get on my wick
That's no tic, that is pre-menstrual tension!
You'll have it until you draw pension!
What a woman must bear
In her days of 'bad hair'
Affects all her bits, by extension.
[Rosie] Excellent!

I'm writing a Hip Hop revue
And casting it -- how about you?
The April audition
Takes place on condition (Pj) Thanks.
That by failing you will not sue
When coffee supplies are short
We rush to the gate of the fort
And brew the moat's water
Like lambs to the slaughter
“Manslaughter!” (the cook’s doom in court)
"We're ready for take-off, get strapped"
"If you leave your seat, you'll get slapped"
"From your EasyJet crew"
"And Ryan Air too"
"We prefer pass-en-gers to be trapped!"
While cooking some nice chippolatas
To eat with nice mashed 'potatas'
I found that my beans
Were be-yond my means
It's a good job they came free and gratis.
I just ate a pineapple, chopped
At the end of my meal I just stopped
For I saw half a worm
With a lovely blue perm
It had certainly been 'Photo-Shopped'.
When you fall down a bottomless well
Your speed will increase like hell
You will notice a draught
And a sulphurous waft
With a distictive rotten egg smell
While murd'ring a Chopin Mazurka
I put down the Socialist Worker
PS. [Rosie] Having a flashback?
Retrograde amnesia
In the mines of Silesia
Thank god I was wearing the burka. can't see the relevance of lines 3 and 4, but hey...
Apparently, eggs are the thing
I'd say they are better than bling
When worn round the neck
They look stupid - but heck
Weren't Faberges fit for a king?
That genial chap Barry Cryer
Is a famously infrequent flyer
He mostly takes cabs
To his various rehabs
And his cycling is said to be dire
A friend of a friend of a friend
Has driven me right round the bend
This tenuous acquaintance Gotta gloss over a syllable in tenuous there
Is rather high-maint'ance Gotta gloss over a syllable there too.
And may not survive in the end. (Proj, penpenpenult.) I've killed the bloody lot, mate. :-)
No man is an island, they say
'Though Manxmen might just disagré
They chat and they hug less
And stay shy of Douglas
And they never come out to play
A headache at five is just great
If it leaves by a quarter to eight
But if it should stay
For most of the day
Romance is farfetched for your mate
While painting my room yellow ochre
I received an odd call from my broker
"You're quite in the red"
"You've no green stuff," he said
Now quit playing Black Jack and Poker!
I long for a long-lasting night
Where my fancy can truly take flight
But sadly, I lack
The relevant knack
To get all the works all upright
A lovely young mayor named Ken
Convened the town council at 'ten'
He loudly decreed
"From traffic be freed!"
And may all traffic lights stick at zen!"
Oh, play me those hot ragtime blues!
I'm wearing my new dancing shoes
I'm ready to bop
Or even Hip-hop
And you can all clap from the pews
The happiest one of my days
Was when I stole from the Krays
A vegetable squeezer
An upright fridge freezer
And a bra that clad Modesty Blaise
There once was a lad from old Bristol
Who roamed around town with a pistol
He only shot blanks
For which we give thanks
'cos the whole bloody town's made of crystal.
S,K,SM,R,ISP - awesome
I met a small swami from Dili
Who wanted to move somewhere hilly
I suggested Nepal
Where the hills are so tall
You ascend; you transcend; you go silly.
There was an old codger from Fareham
Who liked women's clothes and would wear 'em
But when he went out
He was struck with this doubt:
Should I take me clothes off? That'd scare 'em!
The antics of Pepe le Pew
Apart from smelling were really quite few
In his amourous pursuits he shows more persistence than Robert the Bruce's spider
Oops...wrong move , wrong game... nix that
The ladies he hounded
[irach] understandable mistake .. given the bizarre scansion in line 2 :-) Think I'll wait for the next one to come along.
[Chalky] You can wait ages for one...
[IS,P] how right you are!
By odour confounded
Their senses. They all joined the queue.
Perambulatoriously
I once ran into Aldous L Huxley
[irach] eek! far-be-it-for-me-mention-the-dreaded-scansion-word ... but hey - I've said it :-)
[Chalky] Hey, it was just clerihew that had got lost.
He looked at me wryly This one works well enough for me
Then stated quite dryly:
[irach] Did you think mine was perambulatoriously? Nah. I meant Perambulatoriously
[Simons] I think Chalky's talking about line 2 of this one which don't follow line 1. My reading of line 1 was as Projoy intended. Let's try and fix it.
Perambulatoriuosly
I ran into Aldous Huxley
He looked at me wryly
Then stated quite dryly:
You're not wearing knickers, I see.
Is that OK?
[ISP, Chalky] If you read mine the first way, irach's line does actually scan (and almost rhyme), to wit:
Perambulatoriously
I once ran into Aldous L Huxley
...so it depends if you think irach misinterpreted the natural stress pattern of my made-up word (which admittedly was difficult to do because in the word perambulator, the second and fourth syls are stressed in a not very limerickish way. Then again, if you were American, then peramulatory would be limericky, but the UK pronunciation would not. Then again, by analogy with notoriously, you might have realised the "correct" stress. Then again, one does naturally attempt to stress "once" in irach's line, before reading "ran". All in all, quite complicated. Maybe I'd better stick to real words hereon.
Muliebrity nudiastertian (look 'em up!)
Improves on my prior male version nudiustertian, actually
But now it's today
[PJ, ISP, Irach] I can quite see that differing the stress pattern can 'make it fit' but I still maintain that 10 syllabubs in a limerick line is too many. Losing the 'L' [as ISPers did] helps :-)
And I fear that I may [Pj] Nope, I still can't make it scan.
[IS,P] I can make it scan - I just don't understand it!
Become subject to gender recursion
The old lady who swallowed a fly
Has now got a gnat in her eye
Her nostrils have fleas
Her ears attract bees
And snakes wrap themselves round her thigh.
The builders are coming today
If they say that, you can only pray
That yesterday's news - I make no apologies.[SW] tricky one to follow which is probably why, once more!, the game has stalled
Doesn't bring on the blues
If so, play a twelve-bar in A.
nice :-)
Forget everything you were taught!
The sum of your knowledge is naught
Now with a clean sheet
Stand on just your two feet
And pretend we have freedom of thought
Forgive me for turning up late
For I know that is rude on a date
I had to make sure
You'd get here before
me, for I'm too impatient to wait. Rather glad to have finally disposed of this one.
[Rosie] Indeed, a week is a long time in limericks. I have stared fruitlessly at this one on numerous occasions. Good finish, I thought, under the circs.
His Highness, George Dubbleyer Bush
Has proclaimed, "We need just one more push!"
To win in the war
For oil, (we need more) (ISP) Not one of my best but cheers, anyway.
Shh! Condoleezza says that's hush-hush making the best of a bad job .. swiftly moving on...
The largesse of old Tony Blair
Has taken a decade to share
But soon he'll step down
For that twat Gordon Brown
But (by that point) nobody'll care!
[UK] Why not "no-one'll care"? Much better scansion.

The Party Political Beast

Once went West, but is now heading East
Its ravenous mouth
Bellows over the South
"Head North for famine from feast"
I flee all political views
In my 'No Idea How To Vote' shoes
I'm not sure where I stand
They're all so bloomin' bland
But one of them will win, so choose.
The cattle I find in my bed
Have deposited freshly-baked bread
And other stuff, too
Think this brown stuff is poo
But at least it's a pat on the head (forgive me)
The hottest of anchovy soup
Reminds me, frankly, of poop.
But cold kedgeree
Has class pedigree
At curing small babies of croup *
* This is not medical advice. The author is not a qualified physician.
Whilst wand'ring alone in The Weald
I made sure to keep my eyes peeled
For Red Riding Hood
Who's up to no good
With Nick Fury, agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.
When I met with my putative wife
I just could not envision the strife
Of tying the knot
With a 'she' who was not
So I dumped him and got a new life .. moving swiftly on
The diaries of Siegfried Sassoon
Are best played on the contra-bassoon
Or otherwise said
(Preferably, read)
By the light of a silvery moon
I'd rather a dinner of herbs
Than eat koljivo like the Serbs
For basil and thyme
Their taste so sublime
Can be found by most countryside kerbs
There's something suspicious in here
It looks like a worm in my beer
I'd best get it out
(Any forceps about?)
I think I've been sold a bum steer
The natural home of the worm
Is within the Medusian perm
It is annelid heaven
For 24/7
But not during Michaelmas Term
I'm told there is no antidote
To the bite of the Anglican Stoat
But the Mormon Vole's bite
Gives no need for fright
Dabbed with milk from a Methodist goat
The Kiss of the Womanly Spider
Smacks of the real venom inside her
Beware her octet
Or you will soon get
An oscular/eating collider phew. Next!
On a charabanc trip to the sea
We all took our own flask of tea/B>
We topped it with Rum<
And were thus overcome
And woke up in south Tennessee collider? I just met 'er!
The weather has called me away
Now I'm away, I may stay
Til I run out of socks
In my travelling box
'Cos I'm not gonna wash 'em, no way.
How on earth do you undo this knot?
Hard tightened and smeared with green snot,
Which ere long will harden
If left in the garden
The famed Gordian knot it is not
While eating a piece of fresh cod
Which I'd recently caught on my rod
A bone in the fish
That I'd placed in a dish
Had a foot and ten toes, ain’t that odd?
While drinking a rotten peach tea
I was gripped by a deep urge to pee
So much so that I
Let out a great cry:
"Look out, please make way for me!"
I love all the boils of your face
Each pustule, each zit, has its place
Your myriad diseases
And mucousy sneezes
Oh, how they do make my heart race! Well, at least I have tachycardia.
One's encounters with tropical sprue Continuing a medical theme....
One fervently hopes to be few
Typhoid and malaria
Can lay waste an area
There's naught worse than aqueous poo I'll get me coat
Hmmmm. Two 'poo's and a 'pee' in my last six postings. And my wife just bought me a 'wii' for my 40th. Wonder if there's a connection.
I have purchased an elephant's foot
I know not where it to put (ISP) She knows you well. You're a lucky man.
Or up with how much
Or whether and such
‘cause it’s hopping around, won’t stay put
A cuppa, a sit and a bun
When all the paperwork's done
Are you sure you meant "sit"?
Reflect for a bit
Meanwhile, I'll just pour a fresh one
Cash, dollar, loot, pennies, spondoolies
Alas, they're unknown to most coolies (pen) You will not tempt me into testicular references, but watch the 5th line. :-)
For them it's just barter Touché, Rosie ;o)
A note's a non-starter
But useful when shopping in Woollies
The time has arrived - celebrate!
I've worked out how to reincarnate!
I'll be back in a tick
As my new self, Old Nick
Now at last I'll take hold of my fate!
He locked us all into the shed
Looked us straight in the eye and then said:
"You all share one eye!"
"Is it Cyclops I spy?"
Our collective look killed - now he's dead
On slaying a mythical beast
The druids decided to feast
On roast gryphon wings
Or cherubims rings coat!
Or the tail of a ferret at least
Impractical thoughts such as mine
Deal with thou beside me and wine
For this combination
- salacious libation -
The finger writes; having writ, dines.
There's no wind but we sail anyway
So far, we have not left the bay.
Becalmed as we are
We can't go very far
And we'll be in the doldrums all day
Suddenly, there's a hurricane......

We battle 'gainst wind, wave and foam

In quest of a land to call "home"
In the teeth of the gale
We shall always prevail
Till we settle and nevermore roam
I have something between my two legs
So ladies, hang on to your eggs!
Lest fertilisation (Phil) You're dir'y.
Should lead to gestation
You'll look like this pair of beer-kegs?
A girl in a suit can look dapper
Especially one who's a tapper (i.e. tap dancer)
But a man in a skirt
Who chances to flirt
Will never pull more than a slapper. Rather surpising that this one has hung around for so long so I've taken the liberty.
My gosh, it's already July! thank you, Rosie.
I'm late, I really must fly!
Heathrow, here I come
I'll fly to Dum Dum [Calcutta's airport, that is]
I prefer the monsoon to the dry!
If you start, then you've started - that's good.
If you haven't, I wish that you would!
If you're already done
Or perhaps you've just come
To a halt; well, you did what you could.
While turning gold back to base metal
I watched the gold dust neatly settle
Into ingots of lead
So I thought, but instead
I made tea from hot water in t'kettle
Enough is enough is enough
Especially if one's feeling rough
Then enough can return
From which I discern
I'll undress and post this in the bough.
I now have a vision of Raak Hope you don't mind us having a little sport, old bean.
But only if viewed from the back
When viewed from the front an early candidate for Feedline of the Month
(I'll just have to be blunt)
There's something he appears to lack no offence...
Penelope feareth no man
(Please keep it clean, if you can)
For her feminine wiles
May bring forth many smiles
As she's known for her famous can-can
I want you to tell me the truth
Are you Valerie, Mabel or Ruth?
It's so hard to tell
Which is which gel Don'cha know
"My name's Harry, a gender bent youth"
I'm afflicted with six insect bites
I've been tasted by fleas, ticks and mites
'Tis the swamp that they seek
But havoc they wreak
Is something my hygiene invites. Sniffs armpit - poo.
The present is never the present
It's past for cooked geese or cooked pheasant
What the future beholds
Influenza and colds no doubt
Seize the day, for this morning, 'tis pleasant.
Well, Elvis is dead - but alive
At least amongst those who can jive
But why do they wear
So much lard in their hair?
When will Grecian 2000 arrive?
A pack of the very best plugs
Costs more than its weight in hard drugs
They're more galvanising
So it's not so surprising
That they come recommended by Suggs
Are these 'mobile phone' gadgets a fad?
And do i-Pods turn good children bad?
Or are they besotted
Besmeared and tight knotted
This Hi-Tech will drive us all mad.
I look in the mirror. Who's this?
It's me? Your taking the piss!
I was young looking smart
And had mastered the art
Of toilet bowl game "hit or miss"
I once met a nun from Milan
Who wanted to start her own clan
Both Sisters and Brothers
And uncertain "others"
Said "Dad's a McLeod, and me gran". So the whole thing just went down the pan.
A tenor who sang in Modena
Perhaps should have been a bit leaner
With angels he's singing
Adagio, bringing
[Don't quite see why Marc's perfectly reasonable line should stall things for more than a week. It's not like the word 'singing' lacks rhymes …]
Huge joy in his heav'nly arena
... [SM] quite - I'm assuming lack of lean-ness equates to death-ness [angels]. Moving swifterly on ...
I'm not sure if I'll find the time
Or the inspiration sublime
To take part in this game ;-)
In the hope of great fame
And escape from my life's grit and grime
But fame will not change me a jot
At least, I assume it will not
But in the limelight
I will get the rhyme right!
And the scansion, and grammar, and plot.
A young lad from Lytham St Annes
Had a penchant for stealing white vans
Which he'd drive at great speed
While puffing some weed
And swigging cheap beer from its cans
I've just spent a week on the tube
And all rails I have greased with fresh lube
I've cleaned all the tiles
Overhauled the turnstiles
And swept up all hairs of the pube
While studying the surface of Mars
I observed some deposits of tars
Which made me examine
The dictionary to find another word to rhyme
The famine that's caused by catarrhs Tut tut...
Re: Rhymes - I confess that 'famine' was the only word I could come up with. How to keep that in the context of Mars had me completely foxed, which was why I didn't post. I'm sure Chalky had something in mind...
Bob Marley was famous for jammin' for example...
Tho' some thought he always was hammin'
A funk rastafarin [IS,P, pen] True, but in context?
Cussin' and swearin' "This pit that I am in" would have been a perfectly acceptable line, I think. IS,P had it right: if you can't think of a rhyme, then let others have a try, at least until a couple of days have gone by.
He'd go out and sing somethin' damnin'
[Software] Thought I'd wait until the last one was complete before I made a comment ... all I can do is fully concur with IS,P's remark and pennylope/irach/Darren's contributions and, not least, CdM of the Wise Words. Patience, man!
Incredible sights can be seen
From the Moon, if your eyesight is keen
For instance, the earth
Is certainly worth
One pound 'cause it's made from cheese that is green
Whenever you think you are right
Beware if your wife is in sight
You'll probably find
She's hijacked your mind
And is raring to go for a fight
"I may be some time", quoth Oates
"Since Hall's out sowing wild oats"
"So while you may wait"
"Don't stay up too late"
"'cos at dawn you'll be milking the goats."
The gostak's distimmed all my doshes
I've markled the fanturic roshes
My satchbere has jored
(Conquintly misgoared!)
And I've murgle my clep with gooloshes
An ichthyophagous iguana
Attained a true state of nirvana
But the simple brown newt
Is not so astute
And struggles to manage his prana with apologies for hogging
The hog is a curious beast
Remarkably skilled on the piste. [Software] I hate to criticise again so soon, but really! Was 'gooloshes' the best rhyme you could come up with, when 'floshes', 'reswoshes', and even 'underphoshes' were all available. Any one of those would have allowed you to post a line that fit with the rest of the limerick, instead of that nonsense you put down. *shakes head*
... and what's more - your 'murgle' should have been 'murgled' if you really intended to stay true to the tense. :-)
The key to its skill
Oh dear - hr instead of br - schoolgirl error - which I will put right -
Tuj - The hog is a curious beast
CdM - Remarkably skilled on the piste
Chalky Its key to success
Is a long satin dress
With which its drag force is decreased
[Chalky] Not sure that you are right about that. I think murgle is an acceptable past participle in some dialects -- like 'I have stole' rather than 'I have stolen'. And from what I hear, that Channel Islands dialect can be pretty odd at times.
While attempting to extract a square root (Juxt) V. good. (CdM, Chalky) How much more dung are you going to fling at him? It's not as if he's f***** the game up.
My computer had need to reboot
Switch it off, switch it on [Rosie] Check your Spoof Detector batteries :o)
Then delete all the pr0n
Which takes hours - you may need to re-route
[CdM] A fair point. However, Ernie Murgle's tract: Semantic Correlates of Unaccusativity [1973] highlights the formal properties of such lexical derivations. 'Murgle' from the French 'murgler' has evolved into one of the few verbs that can have infinitive objects with agents or gerunds but with a difference in meaning which is left to the speaker/writer. Agree, though, that wibbly dialect can distort the shades of meaning.
(pen) Batteries OK - no spoofery detected. Are you sure yours don't need the recharger. :-)
Whenever you need to recharge [Rosie] If I didn't know you better I'd say you'd had a SOH bypass :-)
Set sail on the Rhone in a barge
Then dangle your toes
In the river that flows
Ça vous fera d'avantage. (Chalky) Yeah, awright missis. :-)
If it's fun and adventure you seek, [Rosie]*coughcoughbadsyntaxcough*
Climb to Kilimanjaro's cold peak
Then put on your skis
Connect to your Wii's
Then launch your surf-kite with a shriek....
When surfing the net please beware
Of sites which promote latex wear
Their corrupting allure
Will quickly assure
You that fetishism's not rare. (nights) I'm not surprised. What should it be, then? I did get the country right. Next time; Welsh.
Lain down by the fire one night, (Rosie) I'd have gone for "ça vous sera d'avantage" myself. Irritatingly though, I can't satisfactorily tell you why.
Was a phantom of my pure delight
'Twas wreathèd in vapours (nights) Not the syntax, then. Just one letter, in fact, but I bow to your greater knowledge.
And danced veilèd capers
Sure-ly a drink induced sight [Rosie/nights] personally I would have used soit, since there is a degree of uncertainty.
The sights you can see when you're drunk
Can put the naive in a funk
Pink elephants prancing
All hopes of recovery truly sunk [Software] Crikey, you're right, but then I was never any good at the subjunctive.
Of mice and of men let us sing
Grapes of wrath to the table let's bring
And Silence of the Lambs
I wouldn't normally do this, but given that this line doesn't really scan, seems unconnected to the previous lines (unless I'm missing something), and has apparently stalled the limerick, I suggest replacing it with
To Cannery Row
To get on with the show
East of Eden said Arthur, the King. Sorry guys, must have been hungry as I posted that line… Thought you were aiming at book titles containing animals or food and didn’t instantly see the connection with John Steinbeck’s eminent works. Completely agree with your remark about the scansion, here is a huge potential for improvements both regarding mine and other submissions I’m afraid…
It’s stated that Scansion is Science www.berkeley.edu/news/media/releases/99legacy/8-23-1999b.html
You can do it too, with this appliance!
Take note of the meter
And make your verse neater
Scansion police will check your compliance
The police are coming! Now run!
They'll gasp when they see what we've done
It took us a week
To construct this cheek
Now these cops will all ruin our fun
There was a posh lady from Purley
Who loved all things lacy and girly
Her knickers were found
Entwinéd around
Her ankles by a chap big and burly
Eat less and live long, so they say
And think, "what does Calista weigh"?
Give answer in ounces
(Clue)-(No part of her bounces)
She's this close to floating away
A grocer from old London town
Wore a beautiful cabbage-leaf gown
When it started to wilt
They revived it with silt
That Old Father Thames had brought down.
I met a mad widow from Worcester
Who thought she was General Cucestor [Jux] That's much more of a sod of a rhyme that you may have intended.
Though the vicar had Bleicester (SM) It is, unless northern vowels are invoked, which makes it much easier.
Delusions did feicester
No problem -- to them she was Ucester.
While pond'ring the properties of matter
I constructed a new kind of batter
Though crumbly and soft
It re-lines the loft 1 + 4 OK?
But it's low cal- it won't make you fatter
There was a young bard from Japan
Who was stung on the knee by a wasp
He cursed and screamed and hollered
And said, "Please take me to hosp."
A glimerick (or possibly a limerorm) by Simons Mith
Mm, hybrid poetical forms. The limeronnet: 7 couplets, alternately long and short limerick metre, with the long couplets all using the same rhyme. The sonnaiku: 14 syllables in 4 lines with ABBA rhyme. The limerestina: a cycle of five limericks plus a final couplet following rules too complicated to work out. The villanellerick, the Petrarchan tercet, the epic cinquain, ...
There once was a Samurai coward ...swiftly moving on...
Who worked for Prime Minister Howard
With his trusty katana
And half-ripe banana
His deeds with great praises were showered. Australian in a nutshell, really
Sonnaiku
Rare form of verse
Severely terse
Tough to do
Hard but fair
Keeping it short
Makes the verse taut
No hot air
Modern
Hiawatha
Made himself some mittens
Fur side inside, skin side outside
Cosy!
[SM] Bravo!
I wonder if we could try for a limeronnet? Lines 1, 2, 5, 6, 9, 10, 13, and 14 all have to rhyme.
A young man who went out on a date
With a girl from Connecticut State
Was charmèd to learn
She expected to earn
A stiff fee if he wanted to mate
[Raak] I think that <hr> means 'no'. You can have a go on your own if you like. We'll watch.
Makes a limerick that is too terse
Normal service shall soon be resumed
When that nice Edward Lear is exhumed
He spins in his grave
His soul we must save
Lest our wit end up dead and entombed.
Top limming all round :-)
There was an old man with no beard
Who said, "It is not, as I feared,
Malign alopecia
But a non-hirsute feature
Sleep-walking where livestock is sheared"
At Bristol, Temple Meads Station
I felt a quick stab of elation
As I ran to my train
I felt it again
But alas - it was mere constipation
The pain in my butt's getting worse
If it gets any worse I might curse
But with this senna pod
Flushing out my whole bod
I may stop being quite so perverse
Let's all sing in praise of the prune
Will the tenors please get in tune
For "Gloria-Il Pruno!"
...poetic license invoked (should actually be "la prugna secca" )
(Sung alla Frank Bruno)
Will sound more like Clair de Lune
While trying to put up a shelf
I just realised I was an elf
My tiny physique
Makes six feet of teak
Too heavy to put up myself.
I enjoyed that one :-)
I ordered a chair from IKEA
But instead got a case of Sangría
Those Swedes, they're so boozy
At despatch they're not choosy
Yet, boozeless, they tend to be angrier
My girlfriend from Stockholm, so cute
Played a gay saraband on the flute
I joined in on bass
Wearing taffeta lace
But the talent scout gave us the boot!
The orchestra struck up a tune
The lounge singer started to croon
As I looked at her eyes
To my great surprise
One was purple, the other maroon
While strolling one morning in June
I noticed the Man in the Moon
He looked down at me
Superciliously
'Cos I was walking along with a spoon
The good folk of Accrington, Lancs
Had tattoos of dogs on their shanks
The reason, they claimed,
They were artistic'ly maimed
Was because of the tattooist's pranks sorrysorrysorry
A problem with poodles and collies
Is their fear of Victorian follies
Which makes them pass water
Their legs then grow shorter
And they steal all the little kids' lollies.
If you stand on a hill in the rain
People will say you're insane
And the wetter you get
The longer you'll sit
And you'll never make that train. At least not to MC...
One day while defrosting the fridge
I found on the icecream, a midge
On the butter, a bug
Of green mould, a rug
And another head on London Bridge
Just eat when you're hungry and then,
Eat nowt till you're hungry again
With such a regime
Your rather large beam
Will go; you'll be svelte, and pull men.
There once was a man from Glasgow
Who when fishing, would let a caught bass go
His ichthyo mercy
To them that prefer sea You do better . . . .
Would give him a satisfied glow
It's good to return from the cold
I'm an ex-spy, and I'm getting old
My decoder ring
Just won't sing
[Red Wolf] oopsie ... 3 - yes a mere 3 syllables ... sorry chap - not quite the thing :-) Have another crack at it, eh?
Just ain't enough bling How's that, [Chalky]? Never have been wonderful limericks, ever since hearing "There once was a man from Nantuckett"...
It's plastic and steel, not gold. (RW) Just will not sing, or The bugger don't sing would have done. It's the rhythm.
If I had a heart, I would give u.s.a.
Some poor bugger a chance to live That seems to scan right...
My donated ticker
Sewn in someone who's sicker
Is useless - it leaks like a sieve Difficult rhyme
If your kidneys have suffered from drink
Which caused them to shrivel and shrink
Rent a Kidney Machine
It's sure to clean
Out the stuff that makes your breath stink. Not to say drop down dead. What a delightful subject.
Winter's a great time of year
Let's bring out some egg nog and beer!
Put wood on the fire
The flames will grow higher
And higher and higher an— oh dear...
The night when we grilled dear old Santa
We were drunk and exchanging weird banter
When we woke the next morn'
All our faces - forlorn
The only drink left was some Fanta
As an oldie you don't pay much tax
For old fogies the rules they relax
And you get in return
A free funeral urn
As you'll soon Requiescat In Pax Apols for the poor Latin, but my Poetic Licence is valid till the end of the month.
I came a long way from St Louis
And my spoggy* became very chewy *spoggy - noun: (slang) Chewing Gum
So I sang the Blues
Then discovered the news
There's more to spearmint than just gooey
American Football goes thus:
And most Brits it fair doth nonplus (pen) Heavens! You don't - masticate, do you?
A sport played in armour or armor?
With fans all a-clamor I'm sure you could dialect that to "clarmor"
Each "first down" they put up a fuss
His symptoms were carefully noted
And after the viewers had voted
To evict from the house
His flea-ridden mouse
'Een though it was sugar-coated
On a moonlit night down in Bude
I walked on the beach in the nude (oblig.)
walked ran (after seeing the 8-words game)
But the nippy sea air
Made my man-bits despair
But it did make my tits look quite rude. disgraceful
[Rosie] teehee :-)
A young lad from Mablethorpe, Lincs. (Chalky) Fancy a cold shower, m'dear?
Sprayed the whole of his body with Lynx
Though it didn't half sting
It concealed the ming
And attracted a sexy young minx
She would have had a whiff of chips-and-vinegar about her though.
I'm attempting a personal best
So I shall take off my vest
Then I'll ripple my pecs
If no one objects
That my tits are just drawn on my chest
Let's distance ourselves from this sleaze
And study how flowers and bees
Ensure that the species
Can produce ample faeces
Tut, tut, tut... some decorum, please!
With dignified elegant ease - I was going to post this as a last line but irach got there first , so it will have to do as a first line
I charm the birds from the trees
I then break their necks
Cook 'em Tex-Mex
And serve them with French fries and peas
When I began cooking a crow
I heated the coals to a glow
I placed it with care (CdM, S, B) Vicious - brilliant.
'Cos I wanted it rare
I like it like that, cooked just so - Thanks R
I really think I am a maven
Quite expert at sexing a raven
The dif'rence, you see,
Is the way that they pee I had to.
Plus the girls are Brazilian shaven
Trad - There was a young lady from Spain
Who loved to go out in the rain
She'd get soaked to the skin
'Cos her tee-shirt was thin drool....
I do wish she'd do it again If you can't beat 'em, join 'em
A hairy old codger from York
Assaulted a nun with a spork
Her re-tal-i-a-tion
Without hesitation
Was to pray for his balls on a fork
That saucy young widow from Slough
Made a solemn and celibate vow
That she'd ne'er again
Have sex. (Except when
Rancher Eason's bull mounted a cow)
Bring me the head of Alfredo Fantastic stuff on the Film Club page at the moment
Garcia, a Triumph Toledo [Bigs] Forcing ...
Some Kendal Mint Cake
A pack of Snopake®
And a ticket for something by Feydeau.
While skiing one day in Zermatt
I chanced on a leprechaun's pot
I solved the Last Problem of Fermat (Juxt) That doesn't come anywhere near a rhyme. i'm leaving mine in.
But writing quite large in [Rosie] Hmmm. I read Marc's line as While skiing one day in Zermatt (which I think puts the correct stress in the place name), not While skiing one day in Zermatt. I agree you need a pretty strong (perhaps American?) accent to rhyme it with 'pot', though.
So, come to think of it, I'll bifurcate:
But, sadly, inside / But writing quite large in
zermatt, the stressed syllable of which does indeed rhyme nicely with "pot" to a Yank.
A problem I spied/The edge of the margin
Made both my skis freeze on the spaht / Made me think of old Father Dermat

This is, apparently, the correct pronunciation - whatever accent one has :-)
In order to find my religion
I launched my best trained homing pigeon
She returned in a day
To show me the way
To Mecca. She erred by a smidgeon
[M, i, S and CdM] bravo :-)
While cleaning out my old chest freezer
To my horror, I found Julius Caesar
For a chap who was dead
He looked very well-fed
Though his stiffness so cold couldn’t please ‘er
Gather round, for I'll sing you a song!
"The Ballad of Fay and King Kong"
The note, maestro, please
Is the flattest of 'C's
Is the flattest of 'E's
Simons Mith - Could you gimme Big Ben for a bong?

According to my research, Big Ben was actually cast in E.
[Juxt] Hope you don't mind.

In order to sing out of tune
I borrowed a helium balloon
I then took a deep breath
Smoked a big hit of meth
Now I sound like Eccles the Goon
The trouble with playing E Flat [SM] no worries
Is it startles my neighbour's tomcat
When that beast starts to yowl
My dog starts to howl
So I clubbed them both with my bat
The problem with clubbing ones pet
Is rather large bills from the vet
Plus a call from the Plod
And the vengeance of God
And that's why I've not done it, yet
I think we should all have a party
Watson, let's not invite Moriarty
[irach] sorry to interrupt - but does your line scan - like really? Or is it just me that's having difficulty. I'm surprised - because you're usually spot-on in scansionland.
[Chalky] it scans for me: Watson, let's not invite Moriarty.
Mrs Hudson will strip
[Chalky] Sorry to offend. But Phil seems to feel the same way I did on the scansion when penning...er, posting the line.
Brut Champagne we will sip
[Phil, irach] - yesyesyes, I get the stress marks that Phil kindly html-ed - I just don't get the hurried Watson word. No offence taken, or indeed intended. Just curious.
Never realized she was so tarty
In Vienna they bake a nice tart
It's almost refined to an art
Delicious pastry
Seasoned tastily Japanese pronunciation invoked in desperation.
That's sold in the streets from a cart
In order to gain his affection
She covered herself in confection
[Two lims back] I too find it tricky to read limerick lines with two syllables before the first stress... It seems more natural to me to have one, as in dah DAH... as otherwise the first two have to be rushed together. For me. I guess that's why this thrives as a spoken form :)
And now, because I hate breaking up the bold stuff (though not enough not to do it...)
Chalky - In order to gain his affection
blamelewis - She covered herself in confection
With sweet chocolate bits
She covered her tits
Which sweetly caught his attention Tut, tut, Chalky
Surely the last line should be "Which gave him a stonking erection"?....coat!
There once was a gingerbread man
Who attempted to dance the can-can
But sadly the heat [Softers] I hope you're not tut-tutting the fourth line. That isn't me.
Melted both of his feet
So his pants now adorn Notre Dame
My blood-sugar level is low Is Chasty a newbie then? ;)
On a saccharine binge I must go
Which won't help at all Why is everyone shouting their name?
As it's sugar's f-all
Let's 'ave Anisette de Bordeaux...
There was a young man from Korea Can everyone hear me?
Who suffered Huntington's chorea
The symptoms, I'm told
Are sad to behold
In the head of Alfredo Garcia
My aunt suffers terrible pains
She has gout and god-awful chilbains
She sought herbal cures
For the aches she endures
But they failed, and the problem remains. 'Orrible, but chacun à son gout, I s'pose.
When Smaug caught a terrible cold
Argh, forgot the boldface. Let's try that again:
When Smaug caught a terrible cold
Middle Earth's fate didst unfold
Those horrible sneezes
Caused feculent breezes
And a greenhouse effect yet untold
Let's dance, you and I, in the buff.
Our shoes and our smiles is enough
As we shimmy and shake
Perhaps it will slake
The carnal needs of the rough
Let's toss off a rapid mazurka
Not easy when wearing a burka . . . . lucky old mazurka. . . .
Enshrouded in gloom
Amidst a simoom
And reading the Socialist Worker ...and they say multiculturalism doesn't work...
There once was a student from Kent
Whose member was upwardly bent
So he put it to use
Aiming the juice . . . .disgusting . . .
In a cup to be used after Lent Yuk!
I'm hoping to get a donation
Of blood for transubstantiation
But to rent a messiah
Would be courting hellfire
'Cos nowadays they're mostly Asian.
An imp who liked dwelling in boxes
Was discovered and eaten by foxes
But his devilish ghost
Could nonetheless boast
That their tails were bushier than ox's.
There's nothing but trash on the telly
As you watch it, your brain turns to jelly
So grasp the remote
Stretch open your throat
And pour more beer in your belly
Beware of the snake in the grass
It'll worm its way right up your arse
In contrast,the ant
Is no sycophant
And is proportionately stronger by mass
Tonight is the night, I am sure
I'll wine 'er and dine 'er and woo 'er
And should I succeed
A prophylactic I'll need
Which after I'll flush down the sewer
He stood ankle deep in the sewer
Wished the rats swarming round were much fewer
The stench, too, was vile
Yet one thing made him smile:
A young lady approached and he knew her
Her Maj's Inspector of Taxes
Gets many abusive faxes
But why should he care?
'Cause I don't. So there. - truly - I don't
As long as my bank account waxes.
The moon, oh she waxes and wanes
She beguiles those who love in dark lanes
When these moonstruck entwine
You can see the moon shine
By the light of far fusion-fueled flames. Try saying that three times quickly.
My washing line is a catenary
Supplying railway machinery
Hmmm... I thought I posted this comment before, but maybe I just previewed. Anyway, [SW], maybe I am missing something, but I simply cannot make sense of your line as a follow-up to Rosie's. And judging by the silence here, neither can anyone else...
The purple giraffe
Is good for a laugh
And greatly enhances the scenery. (CdM) Possibly, but he could be referring to those little chains that used to connect loose-coupled wagons. Anyway, I've broken all the rules by ending this one and nearly did so earlier, my first line being a bit too technical, perhaps.
The funniest limerick written
Is about a pair of blue mittens
Or, perhaps, just the one? irony invoked
With a hole in its thumb?
Gnawed on by a pair of blue kittens
The distance from here to Kentucky
May be leapt in one jump by the plucky
Just settle your stance,
Aim squarely for France
And you'll get there on time if you're lucky
There was a young man from Brazil [CdM, Rosie] actually, I was referring to one of these
Who decided to write his own will
"Mi Testamento", he began
To ten sides of foolscap it ran (Softers) I'd forgotten about those wires and so had CdM, possibly. I'm not into electrics, as you know. :-)
With scansion that made readers ill.
A crusty curmudgeon from Dover
Always puked when he heard "The Wild Rover"
'Cos his car was a Metro
Its styling so retro
With a failed MOT moreover
I drive a Mercedes-Benz well, not really
Old, with knocking big ends
Its top speed is thirty
Its air filter's dirty
But ya gotta keep up with the trends
An Escort estate is my steed
I've started to run it on mead
The fumes really stink
Like me, after drink
But it goes like a honey on speed
A Dutchman called Maurice van Hoote 2 syllabubs in Hoote.
Wore clogs that war werkelijk te groote
Zij kwetsen zijn voeten
Werstopft wurst van Hooten Flamish dialect warning!
Hij stempelde helemaal over het fruit Slightly dodgy flow warning!
Can we do a bifurcated Limerick that at least scans in two languages at once? If it rhymes in both languages too, then so much the better, but I reckon rhyming in one language would be enough.
Un loup-garou mangeait un chat - A werewolf was eating a cat
Qu'il a pris dans un sous-sol, à bas - Which he found in a sub-basement flat
Sounds like an idea for the Wretchedly Difficult Poetry game on Orange
Quand tout à coup - When quite suddenly
Il dit "Je m'en fous" - Said "Bovvered? Not me" Don't ask me to try one in Welsh. 5 lines out of 5 is a bad form, and my Dad would turn in his grave.:-)
"Est ce ce que je fais que cela!" - "This is what I do - and that's that !"
Beware of the were-armadillo!
For example, Michael Portillo
Was bit on the knee
As he went out to pee
On the range near the town, Amarillo
In Esher they often do say
That a moron is born every day btw, congrats to everyone in the bilingual limerick - bloody marvellous!
In Egham, meanwhile
High achievement's in style
Unless pissed, when they fall in the Wey.
Oi! Waiter! This soup's ruddy cold!
Your tip, my good man, is on hold
The gratuity's due
But it ain't for you
So hot up your pace - you've been told!
I'm sure there's a witty finish to this stalled* limerick - but as no-one has ventured one, you'll have to accept my dull offering.
*< musing > It's strange how some limericks simply run out of steam. In this instance, despite a lively start, lines 3 and 4 merely re-iterated line 2, offering no real development of the idea/story, leaving us with no where to go. < /musing >
So we need to develop the plot
Whether it thickens or not
So develop the tale
Or Chalky will wail
But make sure your scansion is hot!
That's a whole different kettle of fish
(That's fish in a pot, not a dish)
So boil up your cod
Freshly caught on a rod
I'm sure it will turn out delish
I say! Is that blood on your hand?
Or are you just overly tanned?
Your skin is so red
Is anyone dead?
Did you take out the man that you planned?
Hurry along now, nothing to see here.
Strategy is a technique
'Tho sometimes appearing oblique
Choosing tactics to use
will never excuse
Just guessing in moments of pique I fear that may have strayed into being too vague & abstract
If you're uncertain, just guess Opposite-limerick experiment
You're sure to be right, more or less
Thus, my prediction
turns out to be fiction [Juxtapose] Did you mean backwards, or something else?
Please tell me if No or if Yes?
I’m sure Easter Bunnies lay egg
Such bunnies, they say, have two leg
With chocolate ears
They don't so well hears
Poor things - they're simply the dreg.
In anger I say, "Son of gun!" Continuing with "deliberately bad grammar" theme
"You've stolen my last Hot Cross Bun!"
Your greed, it are frightful
Proceed, that's so spiteful
You bastard - Attila the Hun! Swiftly moving on wishing you all a nice April-fools day
There once was a plumber from Lodz careful.... :-)
Who worked as a conjuror's stodz
His rabbits, he found
Kept on going to ground
And they'd use the town's drains for refyodz
When selecting a verse's last word
From whimsy be not deterred
Nor sarcastic or trite
Rather witty than bright
And genius will be inferred
The Lim'rick's a wonderful verse
With a range from whimsical to terse
In which we display
Our skills every day
'Tho sometimes our scansion is worse
While Edward Lear turns in his grave
Say 'Bah' to the form - misbehave!
Au contraire, I insist
With perfection persist
To scansion and rhyme be a slave
The moon, as it waxes and wanes
Elicits weird urges in Danes
Their flesh gets too solid
Their conscience too stolid
They drink lots of Carlsberg while rattling their chains
The best beer of choice is Black Gold,
By the cubic mile is it sold
To giants on Mars
That wear J-cup bras
Double glazed so they keep out the cold.
If you ever have tea with the Pope
Tell the obnoxious bastard to get a fucking grip and consider the suffering of his morally intractable position on condom use.
Should have been "suffering caused by"... sorry. Normal unranty service now resumes
Simons Said: If you ever have tea with the Pope
Ask if he'd fancy a grope
Most likely he'll say
"Come later today"
When I'll ask of two nuns, 'Where's the soap?' " Please excuse the iffy punctuation, but I think you'll find my poetic licence is up-to-date.
While scooping baked beans from a tin (Phil) I see you are the proud possessor of the Diploma of Advanced Filth as well.
I drunk a whole bottle of gin
Now there's beans on the floor
And I'm drunk, and what's more
I am sure I've comitted a sin (to be cont'd...)
'case the gin that I gulped wasn't mine
'cause the gin that I gulped wasn't mine
I thought that was a reasonable continuation? So:
Marc - 'cause the gin that I gulped wasn't mine
(It belonged to Jeremy Vine)
I'd best make amends - < mode/school ma'am > What a messy page! You can all stay behind at break .. < /mode>
Or we'll never be friends
So I've bought him this sparkling white wine.
The Pope's in the US of A
Shooting craps with New Jersey's D.A.
Their guns on the table
And a hooker named Mabel
Oh no here come the press! Run away!
In the US is also G Brown
Upstaged by Pope Talk-of-the-Town
Our own dour Scot
Is expecting a lot
Like swim 'cross the (baptismal) font - or just drown
There isn't a lot one can do
On a visit to old Kathmandu
Its strange architecture
Can trigger conjecture
That architects there were bored too.
While reading an Icelandic Saga (i,C,P,b) Top drawer. Still quietly chortling.
Queen Ragnhild made me go ga-ga
I much prefer Norse
And that is because
It's the land that gave the world lager. So nuke it.
If you want to achieve instant fame
You first should take on a new name
Such as Bill, Sue or Bob
Or else Jill, Hugh or Rob
And then kill every human dubbed same
If you could make a trip to the moon
With three crystals, an ankh and a rune
Your lunar sojourn
You old curmudgeon
Will grumpily last until June
To travel through space is my wish
On this customised satellite dish
To Alpha Centauri!
For honor and glory!
I'll leave fast as light with a swish!
So we'll steer a brave course towards the stars
wards?
With our Icelandic pilot, named Lars [Raak] "t'wards", perhaps?
Our work will be done (just read some of the recent entries and this game appears to be going thru a particularly good phase)
When we reach a new sun
And we've daubed it with chocolate from Mars
Forward, brave cosmonauts, go!
The seeds of adventure to sow
Set phasers to stun!
At a quarter to one
Wait! What is that eerie green glow? (to be continued}
[Projoy] Don't worry. We can fix that.
The ghostly chartreuse phosphorescence
That haunts, of a midnight, my pleasance
Is a manifestation ....bit of a squash...
Of my medication
That I take for excessive tumescence
[C,R,R,D,J] Nice :)
I'm just off to take some viagra
'Cause I'm hoping to pull in Niagara
[blamelewis] Thanks - but my first line was supposed to continue the space theme [clearly indicated by CdM]. All's well that ends well, eh? As for the current lim - there are precisely NO rhymes listed for the ubiquitous Viagra. Niagara will do the trick [for now] but it DOES make it very difficult for others to follow your lead.
Where the girls are so horny . . . subtle stuff . . . (Juxt) There is a more natural remedy. (Chalky) One can just about do something with Niagara but not, agreed, viagra, at least in the rhyming sense.
And like men big and brawny
And suffer from chronic cleidagra
On the right side we see what is left
'Cos the left side now is bereft
Of what's on the right
Which is right in your sight
But you need to be visually deft.
[Chalky] - I just assumed that the plot outlined in the limerick in question happened in space... :) As for viagra, I thought of niagra (and had a vague idea that there might be an ejaculatory metaphor in there somewhere...) but couldn't think of a third rhyme but hoped others with bigger vocabularies might find one, or else employ a bit of creative twisting to still allow for a fun limerick - so bravo Marc for finding the "gouty pain in the clavicle".
I expanded my vocabulary
By mimicking old Sweary Mary
I'll show that I'm really no fairy
When I entered the constabulary   I think we have two limericks on the go simultaneously.

Perhaps three. Shall I ...?
b - I expanded my vocabulary
P - By mimicking old Sweary Mary / S - I'll show that I'm really no fairy / R - When I entered the constabulary
I peppered my chat / Test-os-te-rone / I copped three new words
With words so profane that / Really gives me the bone / (They were slag, nonce and birds)
b+P The barkeep threw up in my sherry
P+S (But then, so do backs that are hairy)
S+R When I slept with the Sergeant's canary.
[Juxtapose] very clever and very funny. Bravo :-)
That was fun!
In my hand is a very strange thing
I found it while passing through Tring
It makes a loud beep
At which sound I leap
I'd rather a long ding-a-ling.
I don't have a cent to my name
Can't make bucks as a pantomime dame
But I might as a horse
(The front end, of course)
But I'm stuck with the rear -- O the shame!
Regardless of all the objections
I've taken those hormone injections
So lock up your daughters
Make way for the slaughters
I shoot lasers in all the directions!
A sure way to tell left from right
Is tieing one sneaker too tight [Tuj] nice ending on the last one
When that foot goes all numb
Take the opposite thumb
And measure the width of its height - silly - but that's limericks :-)
Believe me - I've just laid an egg!
'twas launched through my left trousers leg
The birds know what 'tis
'S them we must quiz
But please ask them nicely - don't beg
I like to drink strawberry milk
Through a straw spun from taffeta silk
Some call me a ponce
But my cool nonchalance
Is required as a trait of my ilk
Oh-bla-di, oh-bla-da, life goes on
So how come I feel put-upon?
This mortal coil
Just makes me recoil
'Cos someone had left it switched on.
A potential supplier of Volts
Had an urge to electrocute dolts
A hard man, is Thor
He'll give you what-for
As he hammers you with thunder-bolts
Take care when attaching this lead
The wrong place and you might start to bleed
When you turn up the amps
You'll get aural cramps
And I don't believe that's what you need
There was an old man of the hills
Who made some good hooch in his stills
And this fiery liquor
Was bought by our vicar
To wash down all his happy pills
There was an old man of the dales
Who ate nothing but old rusty nails
As he shat, out came chains
Which he used to pull trains
But I'll skip all the gory details
I once bought a large fish and chips
Since then I’ve had fat greasy lips
The shop's deep fat fryer
Discharged its entire
Greasy load down on me - head to hips
The last three made me guffaw almost audibly here in the office.
There once was a man of the fens
Whose face was all covered in wens
This spotty visage
Clocked my décolletage
Having already clocked pen's. No guffawing, please.
There was an old man of the seas
Who enjoyed his shipboard high teas
He liked cream on his scones
And a skull with his bones
But no pie with his rate, if you please
There was an old man of the plains
Who prayed for the start of the rains
But a large inundation
Caused great consternation
Since Severn Trent buggered the mains.
A lady of uncertain age
Met an old man who lived in a cage
She said: "My dear man"
"I have lived in a can"
"As one must when on minimum wage"
A man with a Cheshire cat grin
A victim was of his own spin
But he knew in his heart
That he needed to fart
For it's better let out than kept in.
A lady constructed of iron
Was placed on a plinth on Mount Zion
Her mute ferric gaze
And Thatcherite ways
Is what Dave Camer-on keeps his eye on. Sorry about that.
A child made of sugar and spice
Her wedding will come at a price
But while she's a girl
Watch her hip, skip and twirl
And don't dwell on financial advice

Can't say I enjoyed the direction that limerick was taking - and it was beginning to annoy me - hence the mercy killing :-(
Young Mikey's a finicky lad
And also a terrible cad
He's fussily lewd
and not very shrewd
And Mondays he’s jerking like mad
It seems like a terrible waste [Chasty] Have you met Nemesis646?
Not to eat this delectable paste
But what makes me pause
Are these small waving claws
P'raps discretion is better than haste
There once was a curate of Ghent
Who put up a sign: "Faith for rent",
A passing young scholar
Hired a dog collar
And gave up his old ways for lent
There once was an old yoga master
At a bar with a Methodist pastor
One stood on his head
The other just bled
Their date was an utter disaster
*laughs out LOUD*
SWM, 34,
Offers cuddles, romance and much more I've read these in the past - does it show?
For nights out and in
Drinking tonic and gin
Just knock three times on the front door.
Sorry, forgot the line...
The skill to draw lines we must train
And how to make Bold learn again
The scansion dear friend,
One must not bend
Or we put in much work for small gain.
"It's enchanting to meet you, dear lady"
(I never thought that I'd meet Kate Adie)
You're said to be tough
And a bit of hot stuff
No wonder your chin’s a bit shady
I can't help but notice that bulge
In your midriff- could you please divulge?
Just why you're so fat
So lazy and a brat
And if I can in that indulge?
I know it's not Betjemen but I was seriously wondering where this was going...
Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough! - [Botherererer] This is :)
But not on Maidenhead - for now
'Cos it is so pretty
Compared with White City - refusing to use the obvious rhyme
Does poetic licence allow?
There was a young chap from Nuneaton
Whose great-grandma was Mrs Beeton
And, what is more
Went on a grand tour - likewise refusing the obvious rhyme
Where she met a great bear and was eaten.
I just had a strange kind of tea [Raak] Ha ha
Three dear old ladies and me
We all shared a scone Pronunciation Alert!!
As we had but the one ...which rhymes perfectly in my household
No arsenic or old lace I see
A paste made of tuna and eggs
Is perfect for waxing the legs
Its H2S and amines
Applied every day means
You'll enjoy totally hairless square pegs
Oi you! Yes you - bloke on the left!
Need ya - not yer brains, just your heft
I've a thing here you'll see
That's much bigger than me
And my toe's being crushed. That's why I effed.
A man of the Scottish persuasion
Imbibed haggis at every occcasion
Its earthy bouquet [irach] Imbibed? Haggis?
And appearance risqué
When liquidized is quite amazin' [irach] Correcting the logic ;o)
I've got this idea in my head
I'm lying awake in my bed
I'm turning it over
And over and over
That insomnia's fatal, it's said.
Sleep came like a reluctant gift
As I entered a temporal rift
I started to dream
We were a good team
Me and my time-travelling lift
I finished this poem tomorrow
In a Tardis the Doc let me borrow
Inside it's so spacious
Not to say ostentatious
But it brought me back here to my sorrow...
You travel in time in your dreams
And it's all so confusing, it seems
And Freud made it worse/b>
Which is really perverse
Seeing Sigmund boff 'midst the timestreams
There was a young lady from Tring
Whose bell no-one ventured to ring
Until Uncle Andy
Found a French tickler handy
To do wonderful things to her thing Coat ...
This lady from Tring was no slouch
To this Uncle Andy will vouch
As he took her back home
In the bath - watch that foam !
She accepted and never said "Ouch!"
I once met the purest of maids
During one of the drug squad's house raids
Her stuff was so pure
And she so demure
"Coochie-Coo" she piddled on my suedes
The girl with the dishevelled hair
And the quite unfeasibly large pair
Posed nude for a mag
Which makes her a slag
And made quite a star of the chair let's move it along...
I looked in the mirror and thought
"This wig that I recently bought unfinished quote alert
seems to make me look odd
Like a cross between God
And an unkempt old dishevelled sot"
I just won a medal of gold
For an act that was truly quite bold
At Tiananmen Square
I wore, for a dare,
Some brogues bought in Stow-on-the-Wold.
The inclement weather today
Wind, rain and heavy cloud - grey
If you're wise - stay inside
Where your shoes can be dried
But don't throw the beach towel away A bit of an emergency finish... with optimism for more sunshine, geddit?
I should never have meddled with gold
This alchemy stuff's oversold
These mercury fumes
And sulphurous spumes
Made me bald and my face looking old
The wrinkles and lines on my face
Keep my rugged good looks in their place
These fine indentations
Give gals palpitations
And that's why they shun my embrace
A wizard, a sage and a witch
All gathered to summon a lich
It paused at the gate
Where its skeletal state
Was so bad that it fell in the ditch
September - so nice warm and dry,
Now rain doth pour from the sky
And now -- Christ! it's snowing!
The climate is going..........
...awry - now it's time kiss this summer goodbye!
....and scansion with it, I see.
A tropical hurricane, Ike
Has winds faster than I ride a bike
Except when pursued
By a bloke in the nude
Who thinks that I'm Natalie Pike
You cannot beat sausage and mash (Kim) McGonagall lives!
It's the best you can get for your cash
Whereas chips and fish
Is a very fine dish
When served on the front page of Flash
While tuning the new Cern collider
I got shitfaced on Diamond White cider
It had a strange charm
So I chanced my arm
Last night I had a 'big bang'
When I threw my brand new boomerang
As it hurtled back
Through the starry ink-black
It hit my head with a clang Fed up with this one sitting here, now quickly moving on ...
The things that one keeps in the loft
Are oft fluffy and cuddly and soft
So set a mouse trap
Among all that house crap
Then bin what the rodent half-scoffed.
An aardvark who imbibed ant-acid
Soon found his proboscis all flaccid
His face, it went red
Like litmus, it's said
Leaving him feeling quite placid
"Oh sir!" cried the maid in distress
"My pic's in the tabloidy press"
"I was at a party"
"Dressed up really tarty"
"In my scanty new 'see-through it' dress"
Tonight is the V.P. Debate
So will it seal Ms. Palin's fate?
Can a hockey mom whatever the hell that is
exhibit aplomb
When her kid's up the duff and out late.
The world of finance - it is tottering
We'll all be reducèd to squattering
While those "in the know"
Just rake in the dough
In a way that's very unflattering
My pockets are now filled with dough
I can feel the yeast making it grow
I'll have plenty of bread
Or else, in its stead
The bulge will make her eyes glow
The camera, it's said, never lies
Even if one dons disguise
Dolly Parton with beard
Or your face with clay smeared
Won't hide that you've ate all the pies
"Shall we move a bit nearer the fire?"
"The heat will inflame our desire"
"But what if the glow.. unfin
Starts to melt my big toe?"
Wouldn't that just be too dire?"
All Hallow's Eve was a treat
Except for my melted feet
i walked through the flames
'Cos it's one of my aims
My footprints to set on Fleet Street
A new president has been elected
His cabinet will soon be selected
And Hil'ry, no doubt It has been established in another place that non-smutty limerics rarely rhyme or scan properly
Will not be left out -
Thank goodness that Palin's rejected
A wind of change blows from the East [i,R,K,J,S] Bravo! Most salient
As bakers bake breads without yeast
Mamas noodles we cook
Into sticky gook
That's the supper that we like the least
A shortage of eager lim'rickers
A surfeit of scansion nitpickers
Some grammar pedants
Repeating their chants:
"Indefensible mouse-clickers."
So what makes a humorous rhyme?
And are limericks on the decline?
Then again, clerihews
Have been making the news
For their value is rarely, if ever, revealed in the length of the ultimate line.
While scoffing a large box of chocs
I decided to take off my socks
They smelled like old cheese
Which caused me to wheeze
And cough up a collection of rocks.
Last night while I lay in my bed
I pondered the book I'd just read
The hero, I'm sure,
Was no epicure
Subsisting on baked beans and bread.
My first is in bed and asleep Limeriddles, or something. Or not.
My second is still counting sheep
My third's a surprise
And my fourth does arise
And of the fifth, you won't hear a peep I think we were all stumped on that one. Moving along now...
While I was putting the lights on my tree Xmas theme.
I felt a sharp pain in my knee
Oh, my patella
Get me codeine, young fella
And watch my low limb swinging free (below the knee that is...)
The fluff of my navel is gone
Thanks to this invent-ion
It sucks up the lint
Leaves the fragrance of mint
A cosmetic sine qua non.
When you've got to the top of your game
You should quit well before you're thought lame
For an ageing has-been
Should never be seen
As a resplendent pantomine dame
At Christmas we eat and we drink
But sometimes I have a deep think
My kids then say "Dad,
How much gin have you had?"
Was it Gordon's? Or p'raps was it pink?"
It's almost two-thousand-and-nine
The year of both roses and wine (hopefully)
And juxtaposition
Though price of admission,
Is more than its worth every time
There was a young lad from Bordeaux
Who crossed a Cabernet grape with a Gordo
The juice, when fermented, [irach] I'm reporting you to the Scansion Commission
Made drinkers demented
And girls, though quite chaste, set aglow
A scansion policeman named Bob
Was really quite keen on his job
To such an extent
('bout 200 percent)
That a few syllables he would rob
Please don't put your trash in the bin
To throw anything out is a sin
So recycle all waste
All in good taste
And swallow this Scotch mixed with Gin
The problem with being middle-class
Is that it can be a pain in the arse
The upper crust, though
Are smug 'cause they know
That where there is muck, there is brass
But if you're as common as muck
No silver spoon - no such luck
Get your ar*e on TV
As a Cel-e-brit-ee
And try not to use the word that is now in widespread use in the media, something I thoroughly disapprove of despite my frequent use of it in private conversation.
Big Brother's a load of cheap tat Is this what you mean, Rosie?
The F-Word's no better than that Is Gordon Ramsay the chief culprit, Rosie?
But fortunate-lee (Softers, Kim) Yeah, that sort of thing.
I don't watch TV
And that's why I am such a brat ...
When lines do not follow the rule
Some bullys cry out "What a fool!"
"And as for your plurals" ....next line difficult....
"Worse than epidurals"
But being a rebel is cool
If you chant 'Rule Britannia' out loud
Stiff upper lips will stand proud
But! Say 'God Save the Queen',
And you'll cause a scene
– You'll have to leave under a cloud
There's no roy-al-tee for us Yanks
We make do with missiles and tanks
We drive pickup trucks
That we buy using bucks
And we spend all your oil saying: Thanks !
In Texas they say "Howdee y'all"
In Yorkshire "Ay-up"'s what they call
But in SW3
They say naught - you trust me
They write Limerick lines - what a ball!
There was a young fellow from Penge
Who decided to take his revenge
On his great-aunt from Poole
With a long-handled tool
he twisted her nose with a wrench
The bishops of Penge and of Poole
Were fond of the odd game of boules
But their cup ranneth over
When a straw-chewing drover
Showed them his family jewel ...hat and coat, please...
Dear Fraulein my Glüwein is cold
Bitte, will you mein Glüwein please hold
While I trinketh my beer
Please nibble my ear
And do anything else that is bold
As I stood on the top of K2
I thought "I did all this for you!"
"I brave the fierce wind"
"My career I've binned"
"But it's worth it, just look at the view!"
As I squelched through the mudflats of Kent
I pondered the reason for Lent
'Tis to boost sales of fish
I mused, with a wish
From the Humber, the Thames and Solent mercy!
The hardest of crimes to detect [pen] What about the Trent?
[Darren] I'm foreign now, and don't know those things. Axshully, I forgot it.
Are those that’s performed so perfect
But with Marple and Co
And with Poirot in tow
It'd be im-poss-i-bull to confect
The Severn, the Trent and the Dove
Flow with the rains from above
But in times of drought
They must do without
And rowers must get out and shove
When an Aberdeen lad went to Perth
He found out just what he was worth
When he looked at the cheque
He thought: "What the heck,"
"Give me haggis. To hell with my girth".
When travelling to Aberdeen
I turned to look back where I'd been
And ran off the road
Upset my load
Of hand-woven pink gabardine
The Clan of MacLean-Cameron
Was once a great power that's now gone
All the blood that was spilt
Down the front of my kilt
Leaves my dry-cleaner feeling forlorn
I stood on the platform at Crewe
As I wondered just what I would do
If my train was delayed
Would that fact be displayed?
And would there be time for the loo?
When you surf on the roof of a train
You need the bumps fell in your brain
Don't touch the live wire (Softers) Wossat mean, den?
Or you might catch on fire I think he meant "felt on"
And with angels you'll sing the refrain
If you surf on the roof of the tube
You should rub yourself over with lube
Keep a profile that’s low
Pray you don't need the po
Or you might be seen as a n00b
If you surf on the mighty ocean
Dab on lots of sun-tanning lotion
Keep a profile that's high
– Imitate Captain Bligh!
Completely devoid of emotion
The chocolate chicken is here!
Because it's that time of the year
So I'll be a feaster
A cioccolatista,
So I'll crush it to bits, never fear!
The problem with watching ballet Limerick challenge: no "gay".
As I once heard Nureyev say Easy, so far
"Those padded dance belts
Do leave me with welts
In places I really can't say."
I've chosen to learn how to box
Replacing those gloves with two socks
Though the gloves on my feet ...kickboxing...?
Do look very neat
They don't help when throwing out knocks
They're rubbing - my Crocodile shoes,
It's jarring - my singing the blues
My pain's the refrain
These shoes are my bane
Their scales yield mine awful reviews
My big toe is throbbing with gout
But I shan't take the easy way out
Instead I shall hop
To the cutlery shop
Carve my shoe to a nice bulging-out
Poor Darling, I’ll buy you a pint
They're costly - the taxes are gi'ant
I'll make it real ale of course
Cos you're looking so pale
And all on expenses; please sign 't.
"My lines are so close to perfection," Well, not mine - yours!
No-one can raise an objection
The words, they just flow
Like the times when I "go"
My stream never needs a correction apologies all around...
[Juxtapose] Why apologise? It's much cleaner than the line which popped into my head. (Which is why I didn't play it!)
(Darren) Agreed. It's Raak who's the dirty bugger.
There was a young lad from Belgrade trad.
Who wished to get Tinker Bell laid
His fairy-like dream
Made Peter Pan scream
for it wasn't his croc he displayed.
A pudding fell out of the sky
And before I could say, "Goodness! Why--"
This "manna from heaven"
"Is four pounds forty seven!"
That is cheap for an airborne cow pie!
A man from the planet of Mars
Kept carbon dioxide in jars
Its greenhouse effects
Encouraged safe sects
So it's highly endorsed by the stars
An image from telescope Hubble
Depicted a great cosmic bubble
At the edge of known space
Which resembles the face
Of old Patrick Moore, but with stubble.
While sunning myself on the beach
I noticed a very fine Peach
I stroked its soft skin
[Raak] Her soft skin, I was hoping.
Surely no sin
Then licked off its sweet juicy leach ...
This beach once was filled with white sand
But things have not gone as we planned
For, as you can see
It's filled with debris
Teen beach parties should really be banned
It says on the side of this tin
BEWARE: there's traces of nuts within
You could break out in hives
When the doctor arrives,
He'll throw the whole lot in the bin.
I once met a maid from Regina Limerick challenge: clean
Who cherished her old Morris Minor Will that do, Juxt?
She kept it so clean
It dazzled the Queen
Whose Bentleys are not any finer ... [Juxtapose] There...clean as a whistle...
True Lim'ricks are not to be clean,
It's tempting to show the obscene
They must also be witty     BTW, Radio 3 is currently having a competition to compose serious limericks. Maybe we could try one here?
Coherent, not bitty
And polished right up to a sheen
Not only by bread doth man live   Going for a serious limerick. Titter ye not!
Not so much to receive as to give
Which lifteth the soul
For those on the dole
Or those with pockets like a sieve.Maybe I should apologise...
There was a young man from Peru (pen) No, no, not at all. Pretty good for a Dutch speaker.
Who bought a bright pink cockatoo
With very long legs
That laid polka dot eggs
While waving the tail - oh so blue The parrots of course!
There's thunder and lightning about
Don't panic. There's no need to shout.
I heard you first time
There's no reason or rhyme
It’s Thor who have just found his stout
My uncle, who lives in Cleckheaton
At snooker, has never been beaten
His all-out attack
By using the black
And pot it with super cue treatin’
The balls that were hit with his cue
Followed a path that was true All right, doesn't quite rhyme.
His peerless precision it does in America, Rosie
Was met with derision
But from the crowd there came a very loud "BOO"!
*Ahem*, I think, Mr Mac, we'll just draw a line under this one and call it a warning....
My auntie, who lives in Llangollen
Complained over legs that were swollen
Her acute phlebitis
Makes her dance like St. Vitus
O! How the mighty are follen No rhymes at all in that one :-)
In a nice little village in Kent
The priest found his coffers were spent
So he held a church fête
Where his needs were all met
By a choirboy behind the beer tent
Hidden textNot my greatest scansion, but if French pronunciation is fine, then so is American stress.
The good folk of Dwygyfylchi
While pond'ring the nature of time
I found myself covered in slime
This temporal gunk
Was spread out but shrunk
So I choked but performed a great mime
Two words; the first rhymes with 'bee'
Said the flea with a brie on his knee
The debris on the brie
Would be tea for the flea
But gives heebee-jeebies to me
"But what is the word?", asked the flea
To a bee that just wanted to be
Just known for spelling
So he wasn't telling
The number of words, was it three?
"The first word", the flea announced brightly
"Is one that is used almost nightly."
Like 'barhop' or 'beer'
And 'gay' but not 'queer'
Then the flea hopped away quite politely
When swimming, remember this tip
First give your big toe a quick dip
And if the water is wet
And that it will be I bet
Down to your trunks you can strip
Good morning, we sail with the tide
As Captain, I can make you a bride
So make one for me
Or perhaps two or three
And a groom, but please keep him aside
Beware the man in the moon
He will gouge out your eyes with a spoon
He'll feed you green cheese
Swap over your knees,
Then he'll seal you in a cocoon
It is much like a cloud that I wander
My time and my effort I squander
But I do have one goal
To bring joy to my soul
By watching the free wild blue yonder
Those magnificent men who all fly
Weird flying machines in the sky
Sometimes they go up
With a huge champagne cup
"Bollocks to RyanAir", they cry.
I've invented a falling machine!
It's gravity driven and green
You just start it like this
If you blink you will miss N.B. unfinished sentence
It's operation so swift and serene
I'll admit that the landing is rough
More so if you're landing on tuff
Then you'll bounce up again
In consid'rable pain
And out you will go with a snuff
One day on the M25
I was glad to have emerged alive
Though I killed 23
The parking was free
I really must learn how to drive.
A tool every gardener needs
Is one to eliminate weeds
This novel invention
will garner attention
From Sturminster Newton to Leeds
I once knew a young chiropractor
Who worked patients back with his tractor
Although efficacious
His bills were mendacious
With most patients sustaining a fracture
If you're set on becoming a quack
It helps to acquire the knack
Of dispensing green pills
And then issue great bills
Then slip out the door at the back
The things that I keep in my shed
Are not what I'd want in my bed
The difference, you see,
Is the rake next to me
That I swapped for the bitch that I wed
The reasons for not being here
Is so abundantly clear
My hard disc has crashed (Softers) Is = Are?
My graphics card's trashed
And my keyboard is covered in beer
The reasons for being here are many (pen) Pimm's I would have believed.
To critizize speling and meter, any?
But our true raison d'être
Of which we are les maîtres
Is that we are all rather zany
Let's drink to the flamboyant Floyd
Who'll now fill the bow-tied chef void?
With a glass of champagne,
You'll remove any pain,
And remember a man we enjoyed
One night at a bar in Bordeaux
Through a rosy wine-induced glow
i got very cozy
With M. Sarkozy
And woke up in charge of Renault
One day on the wharf in Mumbai
I encountered a Latvian spy
He was armed with a gun the last one was excellent, BTW
So I started to run
And got decked at the docks, then good-bye!
The Irish have voted with "yes"
To convert all their taps to Guinness
So, taking a bath
Will be more of a laugh
Than a matter of hygiene and finesse
The things that she did with her tongue
To the snippet of Schubert she sung
Involved much saliva
This pretty muff diver
Until the last note, which still stung [Rosie] I think you'll find it's spelled 'diva' ;o)
The things that he does with his pole
Would even surprise Old King Cole
'Cos with it he'd fiddle
And play paradiddle
On anything sporting a hole
The things he can do with his mind
If acted would make him go blind
And he thinks he's a hero
Acts like Emperor Nero
Who was not always very refined.
A toothless old hag from Tbilisi
Ran a chip shop whose products were greasy
Her beetroot (deep-fried)
With borscht on the side
Was used as hair oil in Assisi
My brother, who loves in Beirut,
Encountered a typo (minute)
He actually "lives",
Buy - hey now - what gives?
The "Whoops" button didn't reboot. with some chagrin, -Jux
My auntie, who lives in Tashkent
Has one curly leg slightly bent
While my uncle in Venice
Is nowt but a menace
Who once was arrested in Ghent
"Dear Sir, don't believe all you hear,"
The British do not love warm beer
Nor do they all dress
In the dark, nonetheless
It's well known that the men are all queer.
My sister, who works in Beijing,
Is confused 'cos it once was Peking
And my aunt in Firenze
Is all in a frenzy
'cause my uncle just left for Xiaoping
[Raak] Re: penultimate limerick. That was exactly the last line I had in mind, word for word.
A pleasant young chap from Osaka
Once sailed over Lake Titicaca
In the midst of this trip
Dislocated his hip
And loudly exclaimed, "Anta baka?"
On a raft in the midst of the ocean [Phil] Great minds etc.
Having run out of chamomile lotion
I tried using rum
And some barnacle gum
Applied with a rotary motion
A fearsome great beast, the gorilla
Attacking with sticks, like Attila
But with its own kin
It serves tonic , with gin
Imported each day from Manila
I stood all alone in the bunker
Above flew a bomb-carrying Junker
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